It was clear Kerri didn’t want to talk to her anymore. Talking was pointless anyway, with their inescapable doom in front of them. She’d always hoped for a quick death, especially when she was in his hands. She’d prayed for him to kill her, but God always abandoned her, just like now. Maybe it was her destiny, or karma, to suffer at the end, to pay for her many transgressions.
Janine had accepted her own death many years ago, when her life had turned to darkness, after meeting Ryan Jackson.
“We don’t have to say anything. Is it okay if I just sit with you?” Kerri asked.
“Sure. You’re the captain.”
“I’m sorry. I am so very, very sorry.” Kerri’s voiced cracked.
“Sorry about what? We had a huge emergency over the ocean. Several emergencies, as I recall. You landed the plane on the water. We did a kick-ass evacuation and ditching, and we all got out. We just got separated from everyone else. Kerri, you and I both know we had very little chance of survival. We did okay, considering the crappy hand we were dealt.”
“You’re right. We did an okay job, and thanks, I think. That was a compliment, wasn’t it?”
“Yeah, it was. You made a smooth landing in a 767 on the ocean. It was amazing. I wish we could’ve had a chance to fly together again.”
“Really? I thought you wanted nothing to do with me.”
“No. That’s not true. I really enjoyed our layover in Maui and the night flight back to LA.”
Kerri looked confused. “Then why didn’t you answer any of my calls or texts?”
Janine sighed. “It’s a long, boring story.”
“I’m not going anywhere right now, and I’m interested.” Kerri sounded sincere.
“I didn’t return your calls because I can’t be in a relationship with anyone.”
“I wasn’t asking for a relationship. I just wanted to take you out to dinner.”
“I felt sparks, Kerri, and I know you did too.”
Kerri looked down for a moment before answering. “Yes. I felt a connection with you too. That’s why I was so persistent. Why can’t you be in a relationship with anyone? Are you married?”
Janine couldn’t put the words together to explain her past. She had no explanation, no excuse, for what she’d done. What Ryan had forced her to do. She couldn’t let the last words she’d ever speak be about that monster.
“Yes. I’m married.”
* * *
Kerri asked no further questions of Janine.
She was rarely surprised by things people did, but she’d never expected Janine to be married. She just didn’t seem to be the type of person who would cheat on her husband with another woman. But then again, she’d been fooled by other women, and getting involved with a married lady always seemed to get her in trouble.
She’d thought things were different with Janine. More than anything, when Kerri had first met her, she’d seemed to be an honest, kind person. She remembered Janine’s apprehension when they first went snorkeling in Maui, and then the way she overcame her fear and finally trusted Kerri in the water.
Where had that woman gone? Why was she now a curled-up ball of hopelessness? True, they were in a desperate situation, but what had made this bright, beautiful woman turn into a sullen, angry mess? Since it was Kerri’s last few hours of life, she had to know.
“So, if you’re married, why did you kiss me on the flight deck?”
“You kissed me, as I recall.” Janine poked her head out from under her blanket.
“Okay, let’s say it was a mutual decision, so why?”
“Why not? You’re a gorgeous woman, it was very romantic that night, and I wanted to kiss you. That’s all.”
Kerri didn’t believe her. “So, I was just a bi-curious bit of fun?”
“No. You certainly were not.”
Kerri was becoming more confused. “Are you married to a woman?”
Janine sighed. “No. I’m not married to a woman.”
“Then what gives, Janine? I really would like to understand.”
Janine sat up, pulled her head out from under her blanket, and turned to face Kerri.
“As I said, it’s a long, boring story. Since we’ll be dead soon, what’s the point of hiding it anymore? Yes, I’m married to a man, Ryan Jackson, but we’ve been separated for three years. I intended to divorce him as soon as I could save the money for a high-powered attorney.”
“Why do you need a high-priced divorce lawyer? Is he being difficult?”
“Difficult doesn’t come close to describing this man. Ryan is wealthy, powerful, and vindictive, and we have a five-year-old daughter.”
“Oh, I see.”
“No, Kerri. You don’t see.” Janine pulled up the long sleeve of her uniform dress to reveal a dozen raised circles on the inside of her upper arm. “These are from Ryan. He would burn me with his cigarettes when I didn’t do what he told me to.”
Kerri looked at the scars on her flawless skin with horror. What kind of bastard would do this to his wife?
“Did you know he was like that when you married him?”
“Of course not.” Janine hesitated, like she was struggling whether to say any more.
“You don’t have to talk about this if you don’t want to.” Kerri needed more information, but she didn’t intend to pry.
“At this point, it doesn’t matter if I try to hide it anymore. I want you to know why I couldn’t call you back. My daughter and I are on the run. My husband is violent and abusive, and I have to maintain a very low profile to keep us safe from him.”
Kerri tried not to react, just listen.
“I met Ryan in college. He was a handsome, fun frat boy with money. I knew I liked women, but I got drunk at a party and woke up with him on top of me. He was very charming, and he convinced me to date him, and then I ended up pregnant. He wanted me to get rid of the baby, and I sure didn’t want one, but I just couldn’t go through with an abortion. He was mad at me, but he said we had to get married because I was carrying the next heir to the family fortune.”
“Wow. Did you want to marry him?”
“No, but I didn’t know what to do. Then his family worked on me. He took me to meet them, and his parents were nice, living in a huge mansion. They were thrilled we were having a baby and promised I’d never have to worry about anything. They insisted on paying for everything, but they wanted a quick, small wedding, with no press. I felt like I was caught in a big machine, had no say in anything, and was just dragged along.”
“Did you love him, Janine?”
“Not really. I thought I could learn to love him, for the sake of the baby, but I was wrong. Also, my own parents were furious with me for getting pregnant. My dad told me I was a stupid loser and was throwing my life away. They cut me off financially, and they didn’t even want to meet Ryan.”
“I’m sorry they reacted that way. That must have been very hard for you.”
“They were right, and I was an idiot to marry him, but I did it anyway. In the beginning, he got used to the idea of having a baby and was good to me. He bought only the best of everything and became obsessed over my body as I grew bigger. Apparently, he had a thing for pregnant women. He started demanding all this weird sexual stuff. I tried to go along with it, to make him happy, but I just couldn’t. That’s when he started drugging me.”
“He drugged you when you were pregnant? What the fuck was wrong with him?”
“Everything was wrong with him, Kerri. Absolutely everything.”
Janine was silent, and then Kerri saw a tear roll down her cheek. She reached over and gently took Janine’s hand in hers.
“We don’t have to talk anymore.” They sat next to each other on the raft, shoulder to shoulder, not speaking.
* * *
Janine settled against the comfort of Kerri’s shoulder, her eyes closed, fighting the demons from her past. Why had she even opened her mouth about Ryan? Was she making some futile attempt to purge all her resentment and self-loathing, like popping a giant pustule, before she died?
No. It wasn’t that. It was a lot simpler than trying to purge herself. In the last moments of her life, she just wanted to be honest with someone, for the first time in many years. She wanted to tell her truth to someone who cared about her, in hopes she could forgive herself for the mess she’d made of her life.
Kerri didn’t judge her but just listened with kindness on her face. She hadn’t intended to tell Kerri about the abusive relationship she’d been in with Ryan. She only wanted to tell Kerri why she had to rebuff her calls and texts. But something about Kerri made her feel like she could trust her. It wasn’t her captain’s authority, or her dashing good looks, but some other quality that made Janine feel safe to talk to her. Maybe it was because Kerri was a person you could count on.
Whether she was piloting a massive 767, helping a novice snorkeler, or being in charge of a raft with seventy panicked people, Kerri sought out responsibility. She stepped up to be a leader when others ran away. As a flight attendant, Janine trusted her with her life when she was working in the cabin, and she trusted her now.
“What’s your daughter’s name?”
“Molly. She’s about to turn six.” Janine tried to swallow in spite of the lump in her throat.
“What does she look like?” Janine sensed Kerri’s kindness as she tried to steer the conversation to a different topic.
“She kind of resembles a younger version of Mel. She has freckles, strawberry-blond hair, and the biggest smile you’ve ever seen. She’s the light of my life.”
“Is that why you ignored Mel? Because she looks like your daughter?”
“Yes, and she doesn’t deserve that. I just can’t face the fact that I’ll never see Molly again.”
Kerri reached for her hand. “I’m sure she knows how much you love her.”
Janine had to change the subject, or she would be a blubbering mess. “Who’s waiting for you at home?”
“Just my dog, Brownie. She’s a sweet old thing, and I have a great pet sitter.”
Kerri became very quiet and stared straight ahead.
Janine gave her space for a few minutes, then felt the wind whip cold salt spray against the back of her neck. Their time was very limited, and she wanted to know more about Kerri.
“Will you tell me about your family?”
“Huh? Oh, sorry. I wasn’t listening.”
“What’s the matter, Kerri? Do you have some kind of plan?”
“I wish, but I’m all out of ideas. I was just wondering if I could have done anything differently during that emergency. Maybe I missed something on a checklist, or the fuel leak, and I could have saved the gas so we could’ve made it to Hilo. I’m wracking my brain.”
Janine saw the genuine concern on Kerri’s face.
“What’s the point of beating yourself up? We are where we are. You did your best, didn’t you? That’s all that matters.”
“It’s nice of you to say that, but that’s not the point. I’m responsible for all this.” She swept her arm across the entire raft.
“If I made a mistake, everyone’s death will be my fault.” Kerri looked away from her.
Janine’s heart ached at the anguished look on Kerri’s face. She turned Kerri’s cheek toward her. “You didn’t cause this. An engine blew up. Shit happens.” She looked deep into Kerri’s eyes. Kerri had to hear her words.
“Guilt is a useless emotion. It doesn’t solve anything, and believe me, I know. Don’t waste your last hours on earth on something you cannot change.”
Kerri put her hand over Janine’s and held it to her face. “Thank you.”
Janine looked over her shoulder at the darkening horizon. “Let’s talk about something else. Why did you keep calling me after I didn’t respond?”
Kerri smiled sheepishly. “Because I had a great time with you in Maui, and I couldn’t stop thinking about you.”
Janine’s face felt hot. She knew her ears were red and hoped Kerri wouldn’t notice. A vision of Molokini came into her mind, and she felt herself smile.
“Maui was so beautiful. I had a great time with you too.”
“I felt something with you when we kissed on the flight deck. I know you felt it too. I was just confused that you didn’t want to talk to me. I didn’t know about your family situation, and I didn’t mean to harass you. I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay. I knew it could never go anywhere because of Ryan. I didn’t mean to be rude to you, despite what the Stew Network said.”
“What did the Stew Network say?”
“Let’s just say, they were less than complimentary.”
“Now I really want to know. What did they tell you about me?” Kerri appeared very intense.
“Well, a few people said you were a womanizer with a very notched-up bedpost.”
“Really. I think I can guess who told you that. Based on what they said, I can understand why you’d never want to become involved with me. Too bad you believed them.”
“They said your nickname was Don Juanita. What was I supposed to think?”
Kerri chortled. “I guess I deserve that.”
Janine laughed with her. Kerri’s soft brown eyes sparkled when she laughed.
They leaned back against the raft tube, their hands still connected.
“You know what?”
“What’s that?”
“I have many regrets in my life, but the most recent one is that I didn’t return one of your phone calls. I would’ve liked to go on another date with you.” She squeezed Kerri’s hand.
Kerri returned the squeeze.
“I was planning on taking you to my favorite restaurant in Kona. You can watch the sun set into the ocean from your table.”
“That sounds lovely. I’m sorry we’ll never get a chance to do that.” Tears stung her eyes.
What was the point of trying to maintain her composure in front of the passengers anymore? She’d never see Molly again, she and Kerri had never even had a chance, and soon her life would be over. The impending doom weighed her shoulders down like an impossible burden. At least she wouldn’t face death alone.
Please, God. Make it quick.