Jolenta: Now that we’ve lived by fifty self-help books, people often want to know: What’s the big takeaway? Have you learned the meaning of life or the secret to happiness? What have all these books taught you?
Kristen: Long story short: not much.
Jolenta: I’m pretty sure that’s not true.
Kristen: I’m not saying I’m incapable of learning. But I can say this: Before embarking on this adventure with you, I already knew not to give all my trust to self-anointed gurus. I knew there wasn’t a single meaning of life, but rather a million meanings. I knew there wasn’t one right answer for how to be productive or how to experience love or how to connect with other humans or be how to be creative or how to feel at peace.
Jolenta: No one is more of an expert in you than you.
Kristen: Yes! Why would people who’ve never met you, who’ve never talked at length with you about your issues, who are clueless about your backstory and medical history and life—why would those somebodies know better than you about how to be you?
Jolenta: Obviously, they wouldn’t. But I totally understand the instinct to trust these writers. You and I both know I’ve been drawn to them plenty over the course of my life.
Kristen: Hold on. This actually gets to something important I’ve learned during the course of our experiment: I think I’ve learned to be more empathetic.
Jolenta: You’ve always been empathetic.
Kristen: Yes and no. I have loads of empathy for you, for my loved ones, and for people in the most general sense, but before By the Book, I didn’t have a lot of empathy for people who devoured self-help books. Honestly, I saw them as gullible fools. I wondered how they could fall so easily for fad diets, fake promises, and snake-oil salesman taglines like “the only guaranteed way to change your life.” But you helped change my mind about that. And so did our listeners.
Jolenta: We have the best listeners. Listeners, if you’re reading this: Know that we love you. We love that you write us by the hundreds each week to tell us about your lives, your insecurities, the problems you’ve faced, and why you sometimes turn to self-help books to get answers. Plus, we love all the photos you send us of your nature fixes and dogs in clothes.
Kristen: Yes, thank you. In addition to helping me put human faces and names to all the self-help readers out there, you’ve helped me to understand why people seek out these books in the first place. I mean, intellectually speaking, I knew why: Our mainstream medical systems don’t dedicate a lot of resources to the understanding of mental health; our social structures and economic systems don’t lend themselves to people caring for and getting to know themselves; most people don’t even get paid time off to have a kid or mourn the loss of a loved one, much less see a psychiatrist or get enough sleep. It’s understandable why people needing help would just grab a book.
But beyond the intellectual level, this is what I’ve come to terms with: Sometimes when we’re lost, any kind of direction can feel like a way toward something, even if the person giving us directions is just holding up a picture of an arrow that points at the ground.
Jolenta: Right, and on top of that, I think most people feel lost some of the time. Or if you’re like me, you feel lost most of the time. In our current culture, and in America, in particular, there’s not a lot of space for people who don’t feel okay. Confidence and extroversion and having it all—these are qualities we often mistake as synonymous with success. We often gloss over the fact that even the most confident people don’t start out that way or feel confident all the time. And on top of that we often consider acknowledging anything negative or asking for help to be weakness—when really it’s usually the first step toward positive change. You can’t change things you never choose to acknowledge. And hey, if I hadn’t been open about how unhappy I was, I would have never even thought of making By the Book with my amazing friend, Kristen!
Kristen: Aw, that’s so sweet. I wish the world told us more often, “It’s okay to not be okay. It’s normal. And it’s great to get help.” Long story short, I no longer see all self-help enthusiasts as suckers.
Jolenta: Weirdly, I’ve become more fascinated by self-help authors themselves during this process. And to be honest, I’ve kind of come around to your way of thinking about some of these people shilling advice.
Kristen: How so?
Jolenta: Real talk, a lot of them are complete frauds. I’m not just talking about the ones with degrees from diploma mills. Some of these authors are less self-help leaders than marketing geniuses who tap into whatever cultural moment is at hand. One minute the author is a pickup artist, the next he’s writing books on how to self-actualize. And even with the most well-intentioned ones, there’s a tendency to overstate promises, or to offer advice that’s just one obsessive person’s quirky way of self-soothing.
Kristen: So many authors seem to fall into that last category. They found something to fixate on that prevents them from going off the deep end—a method of obsessive cleaning, a repetitive set of tasks to complete before the sun comes up, meditating for two hours a day. But who are they to say that their personal pacifier is a fix-all? What makes them think it would apply to a general audience?
Jolenta: And speaking of general audiences, let’s talk facts: Two thirds of self-help readers are women. Two thirds of authors are men. At least, that’s what a study of Goodreads self-help books found. And our own research indicates that most self-help authors are white. A very large percentage are well-to-do. And way too many have tunnel vision. They don’t know what it’s like to be a woman or poor or a person of color. And yet they’re saying things like “If I could do it, so can you.”
Kristen: Yeah, it’s really easy for you to say that, dude, when you were born on third base. I don’t even own a pair of baseball cleats.
Jolenta: Exactly. And that’s assuming you even want to be like these self-proclaimed experts—many of whom preach superficial values and worship consumer-minded symbols of success.
Kristen: All things that don’t actually help people like me—or a lot of people, for that matter—enjoy life more or find happiness.
Jolenta: Yeah. I tend to think if a book is telling you that you should want the life the author has, you should be wary of the advice. Those authors are setting themselves up as idols, not helpers.
Kristen: I agree. Also, watch out for books that make you feel bad. If what you’re reading encourages you to call yourself a failure or blame yourself for bad stuff that comes your way, feel free to put it down.
Jolenta: One of the most surprising things about living by all of these books is how much advice I’ve discovered I don’t like. Turns out knowing what you hate and trying something new that rubs you the wrong way can teach you a ton about yourself. I know I hate being told to forgive, I hate when men advise me not to take things personally, I hate waking up early simply because doing so connotes drive in our society. These are all new facts I’ve learned about myself. And the more I know about what I don’t like, the closer I get to figuring out what actually works for me and what tips I do want to implement to make my life more enjoyable.
Kristen: I love that. Even when advice feels futile, you can still learn something about yourself. It just may not be what the author thought you would learn. I’m learning that it’s all about being kind. The advice that really inspires me is about spreading compassion and acting with grace—whether it’s how I deal with myself, my loved ones, my community, or even the planet.
Jolenta: So when it comes down to it, I say do you and be open to finding new parts of you. But don’t forget to trust your gut. You are the ultimate authority on yourself and what works for you. Just because it’s in a book and works for some people, don’t freak out if you aren’t enlightened by every self-help book you read. It doesn’t mean you’re broken; the advice might just be shitty.
Kristen: And don’t try to seek out perfection. Don’t believe anyone who tells you there’s a secret way to be happy all the time. Life is way more complex and interesting than a single emotion.
Jolenta: We know you’ve got this.
Kristen: You’re going to be fine.