Eighteen

As they walked home, Gabe began to feel himself relax. Jarvis hadn’t won. Gabe had kept his lot, and Faith would keep hers. Jarvis wouldn’t cause them any more worry.

Faith turned to him. “Gabe, I’m so sorry your past had to come out like that. I’m sorry Jarvis made it necessary.”

Gabe shrugged. “If I hadn’t already told you and Ben, I’m not sure I’d have told the marshal he could get it all out in the open. But it’s out there now, and I don’t have to worry about someone coming into town and telling everyone about it. There’s a lot of relief in that.”

“I think we’re all feeling relief tonight.”

“I know I am,” Ben said. “There’s just not enough room out on Rose’s farm for all of us.” He grinned.

“I guess we could put up a barn,” Rose said.

That got a chuckle from all of them.

“Thanks, Rose, but it’d be a little hard to run my business from your farm.”

“I suppose.”

When they arrived at the house, Ben’s children were waiting on the front porch. “How did the hearing go?” Hope asked, running down the steps.

“It went real good. We keep our claims, and Jarvis serves some time,” Faith said.

Matt, who was maturing faster than Faith was ready for, slapped his dad on the back and hugged Faith.

Hope hugged them both. “Oh, I’m so glad. I’ve been so worried. We prayed and prayed.”

“And that’s what was needed. I know the Lord heard those prayers, and He answered them,” Ben said.

“He certainly did,” Faith added. “I think it’s time for a celebration supper.”

“I do, too, but you aren’t going to cook it. I’m going to make it for you,” Rose said. “Hope will help me. Won’t you, dear?”

“I’d be glad to. I cooked out at the farm using some of Aunt Faith’s recipes, and Papa said it was real good. Even Matt liked it.”

“Well then, I think I’ll go visit Amy and the baby and tell her to thank John for us again. I’ll let you two get on with it,” Faith said. “I’m just going to run in and freshen up, and I’ll be on my way.”

She turned and smiled at Gabe and Ben, her happiness glowing from her eyes. “I’ll see you all later.”

Rose and Hope went to make preparations for supper, and they talked Matt into running to the grocer’s for them.

“Want me to come help you catch up on putting those walls up?” Ben asked.

“I’d like that,” Gabe answered. “But first I’d like to talk to you about something. Come on over to my office, okay?”

“Sure.”

In only a couple of minutes, they were sitting in Gabe’s office, and he was trying to figure out how to bring up the subject uppermost on his mind.

“You going to get on with it, or are you expecting me to read your mind?” Ben said with a grin.

“You know what I want to say—ask, don’t you?”

“I’ve got a good idea, but I need to hear it from you.”

“I want your permission to ask Faith to marry me.”

“You have it. But it’s not me that you have to convince, my friend. It’s Faith.”

“I know. I’m praying she cares for me as much as I care for her.”

“I believe she does. That isn’t the problem.”

“What is it then?”

“It’s really not something I should tell you, but I don’t want my sister hurt any more than she already has been. And I don’t want you to ask her to marry you unless you can accept the reason she may tell you no.”

Gabe’s heart constricted in his chest. “Tell me.”

“Faith wasn’t able to have children when she was married to Noah. Of course she didn’t know that she would not be able to give him a child when she married him, or she never would have. She says she’ll never marry again because no man is going to want to marry a woman who can’t give him children. And she can’t bear the thought of disappointing another man.”

Gabe was quiet, trying to take it all in. He’d always wanted children—until he’d spent time in jail, and then he’d wondered how they would feel, what they would think when they found out about his past. Even though he was innocent, it was a past he wasn’t proud of.

He felt torn. He wasn’t sure how he felt for himself about what Ben had just told him, but his heart ached for Faith. He’d seen her with the Littletons’ baby. She loved children. Wanted one of her own badly.

“It’s a lot to think about, I know. That’s why I felt I had to tell you. Gabe, don’t ask my sister to marry you unless you can accept the fact that you’ll never have children.”

❧

When Faith came back from the Littletons’, Rose and Hope wouldn’t let her in the kitchen.

“Aunt Faith, we want to make a special supper for you.”

“But I can—”

“Faith dear, Hope and I have this all planned out. Now you don’t want to hurt our feelings, do you?” Rose said, putting an arm around Hope.

“You don’t want to do that, do you, Aunt Faith?” Hope asked with a sparkle in her eyes.

“Of course not—”

“Then go on and relax and pretty yourself up. You can come back when we ring the bell for the boarders,” Rose insisted.

Faith wasn’t sure how she felt about not being allowed in her own kitchen, but she knew they were trying to give her a treat, so she decided to take her time getting dressed. It might be fun to act like one of her boarders.

She never had much time to pretty herself up before a meal. Trying to pin up an errant strand of hair was about it. She didn’t even have to pinch her cheeks for color; if the range didn’t provide it, one look at Gabe usually did.

Gabe. Her heart still hurt that his past had to come out the way it did. He’d suffered much in the last few years, as she had. And there’d be more to come for her. She loved the man. Loved him with all her heart. But after visiting with Amy and holding that precious child of hers, Faith knew she had to try to distance herself from Gabe.

For much as she loved him, she had to let him find someone else, someone who could give him children. She was going to have to accept the fact that she would have to watch Gabe Logan marry and have a family with another woman.

Faith caught her breath at the sharp pain that thought brought to her heart. She wasn’t sure how she could stand it, but she had to. Gabe loved children as much as she did. She’d seen it numerous times in his actions with Matt and Hope and with any child who crossed his path. She’d even seen the same longing she felt in his eyes when he’d watched her holding little Lily.

Loving him was something she couldn’t imagine not doing. But letting him know was something she must never do.

Her heart twisting with unshed tears, Faith began washing her face, finally letting the tears flow at the hopelessness of her feelings. Streaming down her face, her tears mixed with the water in the basin below.

Dear Lord, please give me strength to distance myself from Gabe, to accept that I can’t have a life with him, and to be happy for him when he finds someone to love.

❧

Gabe got ready for the celebration supper Rose and Hope had planned with a prayer in his heart that, by the end of the evening, he would know what to do about Faith.

He and Ben had worked in silence after their talk, with Gabe going over all Ben had told him. Faith couldn’t have children. Did it change the way he felt about her? No. Only in that his heart hurt for her and he wanted nothing more at that moment than to comfort her.

But would that hold? he’d asked himself. Could he ask Faith to marry him and truly accept that they’d never have a family? He’d never want to make her feel as if she was letting him down, and Ben was right. Unless he could accept her as she was and love her for the wonderful woman she was, he shouldn’t, couldn’t ask her to marry him.

When he’d gone back to his room, Gabe had taken all his concerns to the Lord. “Lord, I know I love Faith with all my heart, and I never want to hurt her. I admit I’ve dreamed of having a family with her, but I don’t believe the possibility of having a family is why I fell in love with her. It’s her, Faith, that makes my day brighter, that gives me hope for the future.”

Gabe’s heart twisted in pain at the very thought of not having Faith in his life. He just couldn’t imagine it, not now. Not after seeking her sweet face first thing of a morning and waiting to hear her tell him to sleep well the last thing at night. What he wanted most was to be able to wake to that face each morning and kiss her goodnight before he went to sleep.

So he continued to pray, “Dear Lord, I believe I can be the husband Faith needs, with or without children in our lives. I believe I can accept that we’ll never have children and love Faith more each day even without them. I want to ask her to marry me, to share our lives together. But only You know the future. If I cannot accept that it will just be the two of us for the rest of our lives, then please keep me from telling her how I feel. I do not want to hurt her in any way. I leave it in Your hands, Lord, and I thank You for all the blessings You’ve bestowed on me. Your will be done. In Jesus’ name. Amen.”

The supper bell rang, and Gabe went down to celebrate the victory over Jarvis with the others. He hoped that by the end of the evening he’d be celebrating something even more important to him.

Faith looked beautiful in a blue and yellow dress that brought out the red in her hair. His heart told him how much he loved her, and Gabe knew from the peace that stole over him the instant he saw her that he would ask her to marry him before the night was over.

Rose and Hope had gone all out, making fried chicken, cream gravy, peas, and biscuits for the meal. They’d even made an apple pie for dessert. It was truly a celebration dinner, and everyone was overjoyed upon learning the results of the hearing.

“I can tell you, your family hasn’t been the only ones praying,” Mrs. Warner said. “Ida and I spent the whole time you were gone upstairs praying.”

“Why thank you, Lottie and Ida. The Lord heard your prayers for sure,” Faith said.

“Well, you’ve all become like family to us,” Ida Fairmont said. “And we sure didn’t know what we’d do if you lost this place. None of us are ready to move on, and some of us may never be.”

“I can’t tell you what that means to me—to all of us—to hear you say that. And we’re so glad you are here to celebrate with us.” Faith was touched at their words.

Conversation flowed over the meal and through the dessert, and Gabe was wondering if he’d ever get to talk to Faith alone. But finally everyone seemed ready to call it an evening, and he breathed a sigh of relief.

Still he wondered when his chance would come, but he didn’t have to wait long. As if Rose read his mind, she held her hand up as Faith began to clear the table. “No. You aren’t cleaning up either. Ben and Matt are going to help us. We’ve already come to an agreement on that. It’s a beautiful evening. Go out on the porch for a spell, or take a walk and enjoy it.”

“But I—”

“Gabe, take her outside please,” Ben said.

“How about it, Faith? Want to sit a spell or take a walk?”

She hesitated only a moment. “I believe I’d like to take a walk.”

He held out his arm, and she slipped her hand into the crook of his elbow. Gabe felt his chance had come, and he was going to make the most of it. They went outside and down the porch steps. “Which way? Over by the river or downtown?”

“How about both? Downtown first and then the river.”

They strolled down First Street, with Faith commenting on first one and another lot that had changed in the few months they’d been there. “I can’t believe the change in Guthrie. What was a sea of wagons and tents is fast becoming a real city.”

“A year from now, we won’t recognize it,” Gabe said.

They turned down Oklahoma Avenue and headed toward Division Street. Many of the businesses were in frame buildings, and several brick buildings were going up.

They didn’t talk much as they turned on Division and headed toward the river, but the silence was comfortable. And with each step that brought them closer to the river, Gabe knew what he wanted more and more.

It was getting close to twilight when they reached the riverbank, and after watching several people in rowboats fishing for a while, they started back to the boardinghouse.

“Would you sit with me for a moment?” Gabe motioned to the swing.

“I’d better not. I need to go get things started for breakfast.”

Before he could object, she hurried inside. Gabe sighed. Well, he wasn’t about to give up. Not now.

❧

Faith’s heart hammered in her chest as she hurried to the kitchen and put on an apron. She had to distance herself from Gabe. Had to. She loved him more with each passing moment, and she shouldn’t have gone on a walk with him.

The kitchen was spotless and empty. In fact, the whole house seemed quieter than usual—except for the sound of Gabe’s footsteps coming down the hall.

“Faith, please. I’d like to talk to you.”

“Gabe, I—”

The man didn’t give up. He walked over and took the bowl she’d just taken down from the cabinet out of her hands. He put it on the table and turned back to her. “Please?”

The look in his eyes shot straight into her heart. She’d never felt so shaky in her life, and she was afraid to speak. She could only nod.

“I’ve been wanting to tell you this for a while now. . .” Gabe walked toward her until he was standing a breath away. His arms came up on each side of her as if he thought she would bolt. He leaned his forehead on hers. “I love you with all my heart, Faith Anderson. I—do you think you could ever feel the same way about me?”

“No! Oh Gabe, it doesn’t matter if I do or not. You mustn’t love me. I. . . I’m not the woman for you.”

“Yes, you are.” He moved closer.

Faith held a hand to his chest and shook her head. She had to tell him. “No. I can’t give you children, Gabe. I’m not the woman—”

His hands came up to cup her face as he looked into her eyes. “Faith Anderson, you are the only woman I love and the only one I want. Whether we can have children or not doesn’t matter. I don’t have the kind of past I’d want to tell my children about anyway.”

“You’ll come to regret it.” And she didn’t think she could bear it if he did.

Gabe shook his head. “No. I won’t. I can live without children, but I don’t want to spend my life without you. If it is the Lord’s will that we not have children, so be it.

“You say that now, but—”

Gabe touched his fingers to her mouth. “I say that because it is true. All I truly want is you in my life for now and for always. I’ll be content as long as you are by my side for the rest of my days. I love you, Faith. Please say you’ll be my wife.”

Faith’s heart was so full of love for the man she couldn’t find the right words to say. As she hesitated, Gabe gathered her in his arms and tipped her face to his.

“I love you, Faith. But if you say go away, I’ll leave you alone, and I won’t bother you again. The choice is yours.”

Then his lips claimed hers in a kiss that told her just how much he loved her. And Faith responded, knowing that no matter where she lived, home was in Gabe Logan’s arms.

When she finally drew back, Gabe whispered in her hair, “What’s it to be, Faith? Will you marry me, or do I need to leave you alone?”

Faith stood on tiptoe and turned his face to hers. “Don’t leave me alone. I’ll marry you, Gabe Logan, because given my choices, I’d much sooner have love.”