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A WEEK HAD PASSED SINCE Soleil’s encounter with Elizabeth in the sitting room. She had purposely been avoiding Alex ever since. She kept herself busy helping Vivian and taking care of Hope. The jealousy and disappointment she had felt at the possibility of Alex marrying the other woman confirmed what she feared: if she fully let him into her heart, he would destroy her. He could make her truly love him, and when he left her it would break her heart.
She lay in her bed, staring at the wall as she let her mind wander. Soleil had retired to her bedroom over three hours ago, but had been unable to fall asleep. Her sleep had become more and more restless lately as she dreamed about the couple she assumed were her parents.
In her dreams, they would all three be standing together talking until suddenly the couple began to fade. She would call out to them, but they continued to fade away until they had completely disappeared, and she was left unable to conjure any image or thought of them. She would be wrenched from her dreams panting and crying uncontrollably.
It was almost unbearable to have the image of these people in her mind and not being able to recognize them. It was as if the ability to truly remember and know them was at the edge of her brain, teasing her.
She got out of bed and quietly exited the room. It being past midnight, Soleil assumed everyone else in the house would be asleep.
Soleil walked soundlessly through the house, using the wall to guide her through the darkness. She walked until she came to the big oak door of the library. It had been so long since she had had the opportunity to sit and read a good book. She pushed the door open, stopping for a second when it croaked in protest, then continued when the noise subsided. She walked around the room, running her fingers over the leather spines of the books she passed.
It was too dark to see, but she didn't feel the need to light a candle. Any book would be a welcomed retreat for her mind, no matter its contents. She finally chose the last book her fingers came upon and picked it up. At the back of the library, a window seat allowed the light of the full moon to illuminate the small area. Soleil took the book over to the seat and curled her legs under her before she began reading.
~*~
ALEX HAD BEEN WORKING diligently in his office. It was well past midnight, and the rest of the house was enveloped by sleep. He had already changed the candles twice and would need to do so again. It had been taking him much longer to complete his work since Soleil had entered his home. He often could not concentrate, his thoughts drifting to those beautifully sad eyes. He wanted so much to erase the hurt and replace it with the warmth he knew had once resided there.
But he didn’t mind the extended work hours. It gave him a valid reason to avoid his bed and the demons that greeted him there.
Every time his thoughts turned to her, he would chastise himself for being so weak. Soleil deserved a better man than he could ever be. He was no longer the young man she had known. He wasn’t even a fraction of him. War had transformed Alex from an optimistic seeker of adventure and glory into a mentally broken man. Soleil deserved a man strong enough to tackle the world for her—including his own mind—and lay the sun at her feet. He was not that man.
It would be best if he sent her back to her parents in France, despite her protests. Even though he knew it would be the best thing he could do, he just couldn't bring himself to let her go.
He knew she was avoiding him, but he wanted her to love him again as she once had. He wanted to see her eyes light up again with unrestrained joy when he walked into the room. It was selfish of him to want such things, especially since he could never give her marriage and the life that she deserved, but his heart would not listen to reason.
As he sat in his office consumed with thoughts of her, he heard a door creaking somewhere in the house. He stood from his desk and walked out of his office. It was dark throughout the rest of the house, but he did not take a candle so as not to alert the possible intruder to his presence.
He walked toward where the noise had come from, and stopped when he came upon the library. The door was slightly ajar, just enough for a small person to slip though. He passed though the opening, grateful the door did not make any noise as he pushed it a little wider.
Nothing could have prepared him for the scene he came upon. After scanning the room, his eyes rested on Soleil sitting in the window seat at the back of the library. She had tucked her legs beneath her and leaned her head against the glass. The light of the moon set her honey skin and curly hair aglow. She looked so ethereal, like a fairy or some other mythical creature that existed only in the pages of books.
He ambled over to her as if pulled by an invisible line. When she finally became aware of his presence, Alex watched as what could only be described as sheer terror gripped her.
Panic filled her eyes, her breath coming in uneven gasps. She cowered behind the book she held as if he would strike her. "S'il vous plaît pas. Please don't... I'm sorry. I didn't think anyone... Please don't hit me."
Alex stopped cold in his tracks, mystified, hurt and angry at her suggestion that he might be so cruel as to hit her without cause. He didn't know which emotion was more powerful at that moment. "Why would I hit you?"
Soleil pulled the book slowly from her face, but continued bracing herself for a beating. "I invaded your library without permission. I should not have taken such liberties. I'm sorry—I couldn't help myself."
Alex clenched his jaw, then relaxed when he realized his expression might be fueling her fear. "Why would you think that would raise my ire? I have told you before and I shall tell you once more that you are a guest in my home. You may explore whichever portions of my home and estate you wish. I would never lay a finger on you for any reason, especially not over anything so trivial."
Soleil seemed to fully relax, tears slipping down her face. “I’m sorry,” she said as she wiped them away. Each one she removed was replaced by another. “I don’t know why I am crying. I seem to be a bundle of raw emotions as of late.”
Alex's heart nearly broke for her. He sat next to her and gathered her into his arms. She leaned into his chest and allowed herself to sob into his shirt.
When she finally cried her last few tears, Soleil lifted her head and turned in Alex's arms, showing him her back. She pulled on her nightgown’s neckline, exposing her bare shoulders and the top of her of her back. Scars crisscrossed the exposed flesh. "When I first came to be with Mrs. Williams, she caught me in her room without permission. I was putting away the laundry I had done. She told me that I was never to enter her private quarters without her permission. I received ten lashes for that mistake.”
Alex had never dreamed of committing violence against a woman, but he wished more than anything he could have met Mrs. Williams, to return the treatment she had bestowed upon Soleil.
He put his hands on Soleil's shoulders and turned her to face him. He looked her in the eyes as he said, "I promise you I will never lay a hand on you as long as you live. I would like nothing more than to protect you. I failed you once, and I will never do it again. I hope I can once again regain your confidence someday. It would give me no greater joy than for you to trust me without hesitation."
"I can tell you are a very good man, but I do not know if I will ever be able to fully trust you. You are the embodiment of everything I have feared these past six years. That is my truth, no matter how much I wish it wasn’t.”
“When I lost you, I felt as if my entire world was ending. I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat. I would wake up every night from a horrible nightmare, sweating and gasping for air. I could not stop the images of all the horrible things that may have happened to you from flooding my mind. It would appear my imaginings were not too far from the truth. And then I went to war and fought next to men who wanted to keep alive the institution that had stolen you away from me. I cannot describe the guilt and sorrow that has plagued my every waking moment for so many years. Finding out that you were so close, and still I never found you, nearly kills me. I want to spend every day from now until I die making it up to you. I want to spend every breath in my body making sure you are safe and well taken care of. I do not expect you to ever love me again. In fact, I am not a man worthy of such a gift. But I will love you for the rest of my life, and my soul will love you for the rest of eternity."
Soleil’s eyes softened on hearing his declaration. Maybe he would be lucky enough to one day get her to believe in what he said. "What about the woman who came to visit you?"
"I have never felt anything more than polite tolerance for Elizabeth. You are the only woman who fills my heart, the only woman whose beauty captivates me so fully that I wish I possessed the ability to write Shakespearean sonnets."
Self-preservation, trust, hope, fear. It was as if her thoughts were so palpable Alex could reach out and touch them. Her emotions warred across her face before she came to a final decision. With a deep breath, she said, "I admit I feel a connection and attraction to you as well."
A wide grin spread across Alex's face. He turned her again and pressed her back to his chest. He wrapped his arms around her, hugging her securely to him. "Good. Now tell me about your life for the last six years, and I will tell you about your life before then."
Soleil relaxed against him, and after a moment’s pause began to tell her story. She told him about waking up in a wagon with no memory of who she was, or where she came from. How scared she was on the day she was sold. She told him about the good and the bad things that happened while working for Mrs. Williams.
"When I worked for Mrs. Williams, I did everything for her. I took care of her bills and all her accounts. I did her shopping and made sure she took her medicine. Every night I would read to her from whichever book she chose. That was my favorite part. I loved being able to get lost in the pages of a story."
"Where did you learn to handle money?"
"My father."
They were both struck momentarily mute from shock.
"How do you know that?"
"I don't know. The words just sprang from my mouth. Did I remember something?"
“It would appear so.”
Soleil tried hard to remember something else. Anything else. "No other memories are coming to me."
"Don't force yourself. It is good that you have finally remembered something, and the rest will come to you in time."
"You are correct. It is frustrating having something in the back of my mind, but being unable to figure it out. We should change the conversation. Tell me about our past.”
“As you wish.”
Soleil released the need to have control over her memories so she could enjoy the experience of listening to Alex tell stories of the past. He told her about the many adventures they’d had together. Her favorite was about how he had learned to style her hair, which made complete sense because she still to this day loathed the task, and it was not a skill she could execute well.
They sat talking on the window seat for hours. Alex ran his fingers through her hair and gently stroked her arms. They lost track of the time, speaking with one another until the sun peeked over the horizon and shone through the window. Soleil had to get back to her room before Hope came bounding in from the nursery.
They both reluctantly rose and strolled toward the door.
"Thank you for sharing with me," Alex said.
"It was a great relief to be able to share the burden I have carried for the last few years, so I must thank you for caring and wanting to listen."
"It was my pleasure. I am willing to listen to anything you ever need to say. I want to spend more time with you."
"To what end? This night was wonderful. But we both know it cannot go beyond this."
“I love you with all that I am. No one will ever take that away from me. I will let nothing stand between us.”
“You make such pretty declarations, but they cannot be more than empty promises. The law itself forbids our union. You cannot take on all of society. Perhaps we should cherish the memories from this night, and make it the first and last of its kind.”
Alex didn’t reply. Instead, he lifted his hand to graze his knuckles across her cheek. He lowered his head, his lips hovering above Soleil’s in invitation. He wanted to kiss away all the doubt and hurt in her world, leaving only joy and hope for the future. Uncertainty swirled in the blue-green depths of her eyes, but Alex waited patiently. He wanted her to realize the power she had in this moment. The power she had over him at all times.
He could almost see the moment understanding dawned in her eyes. Even then she kept her distance. Right when he thought she would not accept his invitation, Soleil surprised him—and herself, based on her expression—by closing the distance between their lips. Her lips moved tentatively over his, exploring the sensation.
Alex wrapped his arms around her, pulling her in close. He wanted to keep the kiss gentle, but the desire that built in him with each stroke of her curious lips over his threatened that resolve. For a moment the kiss deepened, then he placed his hands on her shoulders and pushed himself back before his primal urges took over.
Soleil ran her fingers over her parted lips, her eyes never leaving his.
“Or maybe it can be the first of many more amazing nights to come,” Alex said in a husky whisper. “Good night, my sunshine.” Before she could respond, Alex turned her toward the door and gave her a soft push forward.
Soleil didn’t protest as she walked through the door to return to her room.