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LADEN WITH BAGS, SOLEIL wondered if perhaps she and Virginia had gone a little overboard on their shopping trip. The coachman had made no complaints as he hauled her acquisitions into the house, but she had seen his strain under the weight of the packages. Hope had immediately wanted to show Miss Eliza her new dress, so she had escorted her to the older woman’s cabin before returning to the house.
As she walked up the stairs to her room, she considered giving an account of her purchases to Alex. Soleil’s thoughts were cut short as she entered her room and stopped mid-stride, taking in the sight that greeted her. Next to the window was an easel holding a blank canvas. Paints and brushes were arranged on a small table next to it. Attached to the canvas was a note written in bold, masculine print:
A very long time ago you stole my breath away with the most beautiful painting of a mountain landscape I have ever seen. I knew none before—and have known none since—who could match your talent and passion. It is my greatest wish to know that you have not lost that brilliant part of yourself.
~Yours truly,
Alex
With trembling hands, Soleil reached out to touch the brushes and paints. She felt the burn of tears as they collected in her eyes and ran down her face. Over the years, each time she had seen the painting supplies in the general store she had felt a pull toward them in her heart, as if they were calling to her. But such luxuries were the things of dreams.
Soleil chose a paintbrush, dipping it into the glass of water, savoring the weight and the feeling of rightness of it in her hand. She mixed a few of the pigments together, then dipped her brush in the paint. She dragged the brush across the canvas in one broad stroke. Then she stood back, staring at the single mark across the canvas, and the floodgates broke. Her body heated and trembled as emotions washed over her, almost to the point of being overwhelming. Sadness over what had been. Joy and hope for what could be.
Dipping the brush back in the paint, she made another stroke across the canvas. And then another. And another. Until her hand moved on its own, creating a picture her blurry eyes couldn’t see. Blues, greens, and yellows splashed across the canvas. Her hand moved frantically to bring the image to life. She painted not with her conscious mind but with her soul.
She painted until the diminishing sunlight made it hard to see the canvas. Even then, her hand moved the brush until there it was: the image her heart wanted to paint.
The brush fell from her hands as she doubled over, sobs coursing through her body. Staring back at her from the canvas was the version of herself she wanted to be. Carefree and full of joy. Hope sat beside her with a brilliant smile. And like a shelter from the storms of life, Alex knelt with his arms around them. He was the epitome of strength and protection.
Soleil hugged herself tightly as she rocked back and forth on her heels in front of the painting. It was the thing she wanted most, and the thing that scared her the most.
Exhausted from the outpour of emotion, Soleil lay down on her bed and closed her eyes to rest.
~*~
SHE HAD COME TO THE library because she couldn’t sleep, and reading soothed her. That’s what she told herself. But when Alex walked through the door as he did the previous night, Soleil knew that was a lie. Her heart rate quickened, and she had to fight to keep a smile from spreading across her face.
She said nothing as he crossed the room and sat next to her. To her surprise, he pulled a brush from his pocket and turned her so her back faced him. He pulled the ribbon from her hair and began brushing it from the bottom, working his way up. A feeling of home settled over her.
“Thank you for the paints and canvas. I can’t tell you how much they mean to me.”
“Have you used them yet?”
“Yes.”
“What did you paint?”
Soleil ran her hand over her lap, smoothing out her nightgown. She picked at its fabric. “My heart.”
“Will I be able to see it?”
Soleil could hear the double meaning in his question. “Maybe someday.” She was glad her back faced Alex, so he could not peer into her eyes and see the truths they held. Steering the conversation to a safe topic, she asked, “Do you like running your plantation?"
Alex sat silently for a moment. "Sometimes I do, and sometimes I do not. It offers both a reprieve and a constant reminder of pain.”
“I don’t understand. How can it accomplish both things?”
“It offers me a reprieve from my nightmares. After the war, I began seeing the carnage and faces of my fellow soldiers who were not lucky enough to make it out alive. The plantation allowed me to throw myself into the work needed to run it, thus avoiding sleep and those demons.”
“That’s not good for your health. It will kill you.”
“I know, but I would rather die than lose my mind. Besides, I have no family except a few cousins I barely know. No one would care if I were no longer among the living.”
“I would care,” Soleil whispered.
“That means the world to me.” Alex kissed the top of her head.
“How does it bring you painful memories?” Soleil asked, uncomfortable with the emotional tension created by her statement.
“When I was a young boy about the age of six, I met a boy named Solomon. He was African, the son of one of my father's slaves. We began to play together during the day. We grew up together, and were best friends throughout our childhoods. When we were about fourteen, my father sold him. At that point we were like brothers, and it was like losing a part of me. When I begged my father not to sell him, he laughed in my face. He told me it was my fault for becoming attached to him, and that this was his business, and Solomon was his property to do with what he pleased."
"I am sorry for your loss. I have lost someone I felt was like a sister to me as well. I know that pain."
Alex was curious who she was talking about. Until this point, he had thought her life for the past six years was filled mostly with solitude. He found a little comfort in knowing she had had a friend at some point. "Who did you lose?"
"That is a long story for another night. But I promise I will tell you one day."
The death of her dear friend was something that Soleil had not spoken about with anyone, and she wasn't ready to do so yet. "I am reminded of her every day. The pain never really leaves you. How did you cope with your loss?"
"You helped me."
"How did I do that?"
"The loss of a brother had wounded me, causing me to be angry and bitter, especially toward my father. You helped me to be happy again. You helped me feel whole again. You surprised and amazed me with your simple wisdom and caring nature. It stunned me that your beauty on the outside matched what is within. Even though I knew my future would be one I despised, it seemed a little less daunting with you in it."
Soleil felt her heart flutter as she absorbed his praise.
Alex used his index finger to lift Soleil's face and kiss her tenderly on the lips.
"You surprise me as well,” she said. “How could a man as kind as you have come to be in a world filled with such cruelty and hatred? But I am grateful for you all the same. Alex, I..." Soleil’s words died on her lips as her mind screamed for her to keep them buried deep in her heart. But she needed to speak them, to give them life. “Alex, I love you, and it scares me to death. You have shown me more kindness than I have ever known. You see me not as an object, but as a person. But what can become of us? What can be our future? I wish to be no man’s secret.”
Alex kissed the top of her head. "I cannot tell you how much joy those words bring to my heart. Yes, you deserve nothing less than to be proudly displayed in society as my wife, but we both know that cannot be. But you will be the wife of my heart. I will cherish and protect you until the day I die. Can that, and my love, be enough?”
“Perhaps it can be. I do not know.”
Alex scrubbed his hands across his face. “It is late. We will save these questions for another day. It is time for us to retire.”
Soleil rose from the seat. "You are right, I am tired." She stood on her toes and kissed him on the cheek. While reason told her their union could never be, Soleil trusted in Alex. They would figure their situation out together.
~*~
“I HAVE A SURPRISE FOR you.”
Soleil’s gaze shifted from the peas she shelled to Alex’s handsome face. His jubilant expression was contagious, causing a hint of excitement to ripple through Soleil’s body.
“Yet another? I am afraid at this rate you will spoil me into delusions of deserved grandeur.”
“They shall not be delusions, my dear, for you deserve everything I can give to you and more.”
Heat bloomed on Soleil’s cheeks. She looked away with a shaky smile. “What is this surprise you speak of?”
“Another picnic. This time, only you and I,” Alex said, undeterred by Soleil’s dismissal of his compliment.
“That sounds like fun.”
“Good. Meet me in the stables in fifteen minutes.” Alex retreated from the kitchen before Soleil could ask questions.
The bank of a beautiful lake came into view after about thirty minutes of riding. Alex and Soleil dismounted, and Alex tied the horses' reins to a nearby tree limb. Soleil looked around at the beautiful scenery as Alex retrieved the food and blanket.
"What is this place?" Soleil asked.
The blue water reflected the sun, causing it to sparkle like diamonds. Soleil’s gaze skimmed across the clear water. She noticed a small boat tethered to a pole on the shore, not too far from where they were.
"This was my favorite place to come as a child."
"Did you bring me here before?"
"Yes, I did. Many times, when you came to visit. We would lie in that boat staring up at the sky daydreaming for hours."
"That sounds lovely."
"This was the place I would escape to whenever I wanted to feel close to you when you were gone."
Soleil could see the happiness from the memories and sadness from the lost possibilities play across his face.
"Come. Please sit."
Alex laid out the blanket and sat on top of it with the food spread out before him. Soleil walked over to the blanket and sat next to him. Alex wrapped an arm around Soleil's waist and pulled her between his legs so that her back rested against his chest. She did not protest the embrace and closed her eyes as she laid her head against his shoulder.
Alex kissed her cheek and spoke in a low voice, "I have never brought anyone here. Everyone should have a place they find sacred and this is mine. I decided to bring you here to show you how much you mean to me. Only you have seen this part of my soul."
Soleil could think of nothing to say to such a declaration. He was bearing himself to her, heart, and soul. Instead of speaking she turned and kissed him with all the tenderness she possessed. As they pulled apart she said, "Thank you for sharing this with me."
"Thank you for understanding,” Alex said with a tender gaze, as he rubbed his knuckles over her cheek. “Are you hungry?"
Soleil had been so busy dealing with Hope- who wanted to be particularly disagreeable this morning- that she didn't get a chance to eat breakfast before beginning her chores. She was ravenous and was glad that her stomach hadn't already announced that fact.
"Yes. Very, actually."
Alex picked up a bunch of grapes and pulled one from the stem.
"Open your mouth."
Soleil obeyed the request enjoying the intimacy of the gesture, even though it was silly because she was perfectly capable of feeding herself. When Alex brought the next grape to her lips Soleil playfully nipped at his fingers. Her breath hitched as desire darkened his intense blue eyes. As quickly as the desire appeared it was gone, replaced by a light-hearted gaze. Alex picked up a few grapes and placed them in Soleil's hand.
"Here take these and move back some. I want you to throw them at me and I will catch them."
"As you wish." She took the grapes and moved out of Alex's arms across the blanket. "Here they come."
Soleil threw the first grape and her eyes went wide with awe as she watched Alex dive over the blanket catching it in his mouth. Laughter flared in the depths of her chest and burst forth unbridled. She laughed so hard she had to hold her stomach to suppress the ache in muscles she hadn’t engaged in a long time.
Alex swallowed the grape and said, "I thought you might find that amusing."
Soleil's laughter quieted as she replied, "How could one not find a grown man behaving in such a manner humorous? You looked absolutely absurd."
"A lesser man would be wounded by your statement. Since I am no such man, we shall do another. This time we will stand."
They stood, and one by one Soleil tossed the remaining grapes for Alex to catch. She continued to laugh at each jump, dive, or other maneuver Alex made to catch the grapes. She had almost forgotten how much fun something so simple could be. It was wonderful to be here laughing with him. When all the grapes were gone they sat back down to eat the rest of the fruit, cheese, and bread. Alex lay on his side in front of Soleil who sat upright looking down at him.
"Thank you, Alex. Thank you for giving me such a wonderful day."
"This is just one of many to come."
Soleil picked up an apple and took a bite as a distraction while she thought of a way to steer the conversation back to the safe, cheerful ground they had been treading.
"Tell me what your dreams for the future were when you were a boy. Adventurer? Philosopher?"
"Adventurer of course, like any proper boy. I wanted stories to be written about my journeys. And then a painter, a lawyer, a doctor, and anything else that didn't lead to my eventual fate of taking over my father's business. Then of course when I became a young man I wanted to be a loving husband to an extraordinary woman and father to the beautiful children we would be blessed with." Alex paused looking purposefully at Soleil. "At this moment I am beginning to think the last part can become my reality."
"Except that I can never be your wife. So alas, I think it will continue to be yet a dream."
A sly grin stretched across Alex’s lips as if he knew something she did not.
"The great thing about dreams is that they belong to us so that we can shift and shape them to our liking. To make them fit with our reality."
"One can only do that with his own dreams and not with those of others. My dream is only for Hope's safety. I will do nothing to risk that. Since my dream is in opposition to yours I fear we are at an impasse."
"Your dream of Hope's safety is far from opposing my own. I would never see a single hair on her head harmed. Maybe one day I will figure out a way to make the rest of our two dreams one. I love a good challenge."
Alex’s confidence was borderline arrogance, but it was a part of his strength that Soleil loved.
"Come let us go out on the water. I believe my old boat is still sturdy enough for two."
Alex rose from the blanket and extended his hand to help Soleil rise. She walked beside him to the little boat. Doubt and thoughts of potential disaster flooded her mind as they drew nearer to it. It had seen better days and it appeared dry rot had taken over a few of the boards.
"Are you sure that it can carry us both? It looks frail enough to break under the weight of a child."
Alex chuckled at her apprehension as they took the last steps toward the boat. He took hold of it and pounded on the side to test its stability.
"Yes, it is a bit older, but I know it will be strong enough for the both of us. Come, take off your shoes."
Soleil watched as Alex took off his boots and tossed them toward the blanket before doing the same herself. He rolled up the cuff of his pants then came and scooped Soleil into his arms. He waded into the water and deposited her in the boat.
"See, you are sitting in it and it hasn’t broken yet. I’m sure you weigh more than a child, do you not." Soleil laughed at his quip. "It holds for the moment but let us see how it fares with your added weight. I’m sure that’s equivalent to five or six children.”
Soleil enjoyed their banter and the smile that seemed to be a permanent fixture upon her face whenever in Alex’s presence.
Alex untied the boat and pushed it out onto the water. When far enough from the shore, he climbed into the boat and grabbed the paddle from beneath the seat.
"I am rowing us farther out onto the water and still we are safe."
"Next time I would still prefer a different boat."
"Next time you say. You give me hope that we will share a companionable outing again in the future."
"I am sorry to give you false hope. It was merely a slip of the tongue."
The smile slipped from Alex’s face. Soleil swallowed, afraid she had gone too far and offended him.
"May I make a request of you? Ask a favor?"
"You may ask anything you like," Soleil replied earnestly.
"I admit I do not have a plan for our future yet, and I know you deserve more than I can give you. But I would selfishly ask that you do not fight our love. Instead, cherish it. If today were the last day we each had on this earth I want us to leave at peace, knowing that not even our greatest fears kept us from grabbing hold of the gift of our love."
Soleil rubbed her hands up and down her skirt as she sat in silent contemplation. Her mind screamed for her to resist the temptation in his words and protect herself from the pain that would inevitably follow. But her heart wanted nothing more than to enjoy every waking moment she had with Alex. Her pulse quickened, and nervous energy coursed through her veins as she pondered her choices.
"You make an excellent point and although I still find it a bit foolish I will agree with your request."
Alex let out a shout of victory. He placed the paddle back under his seat and pulled Soleil onto his lap causing the boat to tilt under the concentrated weight.
"You will not regret this. I will make you the happiest woman that ever lived." He brought his lips down to kiss her with the promise of what was to come. As they pulled apart Alex lifted Soleil in his arms and stood, rocking the tiny boat.
"Attendre! Wait!" Soleil protested.
Without heeding her objection Alex jumped over the side of the boat into the lake. They surfaced laughing while Alex held Soleil securely in his arms. Soleil pushed away and splashed water on his face.
"It was not my wish to get wet today."
"I was attempting to be thoughtful. You looked as if you could use relief from the heat." Alex replied with a playful grin.
Alex swam towards Soleil only for her to swim away. When he no longer pursued her, she laid back floating across the water looking up at the sky.
"A great relief it is. But now my clothes are soaked through. How will it look if we return dripping wet?”
“True. We should return to the shore to dry in the sun.”
They swam back to the boat and climbed in over the edge. Alex took hold of the oars and began directing them back to the shore. Once back on land they laid on the blanket and Alex pulled Soleil to his chest and gently stroked her hair.
“Thank you for today. I believe I needed it more than I realized.”
“As did I. You are most welcome.”
Soleil replayed the day in her mind and enjoyed the feel of Alex next to her. After a while, she heard his breathing deepen and looked to see him asleep beside her. She closed her eyes and joined him in sleep.