Lesbian Youth

This chapter addresses issues confronting lesbian youth including misogyny/transmisogyny, identity and coming out, sex, dating, sleepovers, and parents, as well as substance abuse, sexual health, and development. Lesbian youth in sports represent a unique population that will be addressed here in an effort to mitigate the challenges faced in competitive sports.

     BULLYING, HOMOPHOBIA, MISOGYNY, AND TRANSMISOGYNY

LEARN

Lesbian youth face different kinds of harassment from gay, bisexual, and transyouth, with some overlap. Distinguishing the unique experiences of lesbian youth requires sensitivity and empathy, as well as careful listening to individual stories. The following checklist is intended for lesbian youth to identify the various forms of discrimination and harassment. Be alert to the micro-aggressions which resemble those of women and other minorities, but are likely amplified because of intersectional influences (race, ethnicity, religion, disability, socioeconomic status, etc.). Moreover, lesbian youth need assistance increasing their ability to identify micro-aggressions, which are subtle, easily overlooked, and often excused.

PRACTICE I

Check off all the situations you’ve seen or experienced. It doesn’t matter if it happened to you or someone else; knowing about it or seeing it happen is also really rough.

    I’ve been called a dyke to my face.

    I’ve been called a dyke behind my back.

    I’ve been called a lipstick/femme lesbian to my face.

    I’ve been called a lipstick/femme lesbian behind my back.

    I’ve been called butch to my face.

    I’ve been called butch behind my back.

    I’ve been underestimated, dismissed, and/or passed over for an award, position, or role.

    I’ve been punished at school for holding hands with my girlfriend.

    I’ve been bullied by other students because I have a girlfriend.

    Religious people say I’ll go to hell.

    Others get confused about me liking girls, and think I want to be a guy.

    Being trans and a lesbian at the same time has brought double trouble-other students make fun of me and threaten me.

    Bisexual students make the most fun of me.

    I sometimes hate that I am attracted to other girls because it comes with bullying and harassment.

________________________________________

(Fill in the blank if there are others not listed previously.)

PRACTICE II

Explore the following terms, and see if you can recall any experiences that sound this way.

Homophobia: Discrimination and oppression due to sexual orientation. List experiences of homophobia you’ve experienced, witnessed, or heard about.

                                 

Misogyny: Discrimination and oppression originating in hatred, resentment, and jealousy of women. List experiences of misogyny you’ve experienced, witnessed, or heard about.

                                 

Transmisogyny: Discrimination and oppression of transwomen due to gender identity and/or sexual orientation. Although gender and sexuality are not linked, transwomen face enormous violence around their sexuality. List experiences of transmisogyny you’ve experienced, witnessed, or heard about.

                                 

REFLECT

•  The experiences listed above are only a short list... Lesbian youth experience many different kinds of bullying-talk about it.

•  Even if the adults in your life don’t know what it’s like for you to be a lesbian in your school/community, you can tell them and they may learn.

•  If some of the harassment is coming from staff at your school or youth organization, find an adult whom you can trust. Easier said than done? Ok, keep looking.

•  Persistence, tenacity, and the willingness to take action to relive suffering are aspects of self-compassion, which reduce the negative effects of bullying. Practice self-compassion.

     IDENTITY EXPRESSION AND COMING OUT

LEARN

Lesbian youth express their identity in very diverse and wide ranging ways.

PRACTICE

Describe and explore the ways you express your identity, or keep it private.

                                 

Explore how you feel about coming out. Is it comfortable to share with friends, family, strangers, and acquaintances?

                                 

REFLECT

•  It’s ok to feel more comfortable coming out with some people, and less comfortable with others.

•  Avoid self-judgment about where you are in the coming out process.

     DATING

LEARN

Lesbian youth have some role models for dating, romance, and sex. At the same time, power dynamics tend to be re-created within their relationships; some looking like dominance and submission, while others lean towards creating their own rituals. It’s important to know that the way lesbian youth and their partners relate need not conform to any pre-existing models, and that power differentials exist in a wide range of relationships.

PRACTICE

Offer lesbian youth a chance to discuss topics of dating, romance, and sex. Invite them to be creative and invent ways of relating that work for them.

REFLECT

If this is new to you, the adult caregiver, let your lesbian youth be your expert. It’s ok to switch roles sometimes and learn from young people. In doing so, it also conveys that it’s ok to create patterns of relating that work for them, even if they are different.

     INITIATING SEX

LEARN

Cultural stereotypes can contribute to challenges lesbian youth experience initiating sex. This isn’t an issue for all lesbian youth, but can be a problem for some. With females socialized to be more passive in intimate relations, it can be a challenge for lesbian youth to enjoy sexual relations.

PRACTICE

•  This practice is a gentle reminder about talking with youth about sex, particularly lesbian youth.

•  Don’t hesitate to tell lesbian youth it’s ok to talk with you about sex.

•  Be direct and unafraid to address sexuality and diverse ways of loving people.

•  Help them see there are many different ways of relating sexually, and talking about it with their partner is how they can figure out what works for them.

•  Invite lesbian youth to tell you their romantic stories and/or experiences, only if they feel comfortable.

•  By letting lesbian youth know you are comfortable discussing this topic, you let them know you have empathy for their unique situation and challenges.

•  It’s ok if this practice never gets further than the invitation to talk.

•  Letting lesbian youth know you’re there for them around difficult topics is a gift!

REFLECT

•  Exploring sex requires courage, self-containment, and great empathy—on the part of youth and adult.

•  Talking about sex with adults may feel uncomfortable to lesbian youth at times.

•  It’s always ok to decline to talk about sex; give lesbian youth this permission, too.

     WANTING/NOT WANTING SEX

LEARN

Like other couples, some lesbian couples find their sexual interest wanes over time. While this may not be true for all lesbian couples, it is a situation lesbian couples do encounter.

PRACTICE

•  Teach teens about the many different ways people experience sexuality.

•  Among them are those people for whom sex holds no appeal.

•  Asexual individuals are considered a natural human variation in sexual interest.

•  Offer acceptance and validation for this way of being.

•  On the other hand, slut shaming in North American cultures leads lesbian youth who desire sexual relations to feel ashamed. The shame itself is extremely damaging to both the personality structure of lesbian youth, as well as their ability to relate to others.

•  Make an effort to tease out the presence of slut shaming in lesbian youth.

REFLECT

•  In American hypersexualized culture, youth are exposed to more sexual content than ever before. For asexual lesbian youth, validating their lack of interest in sex offers a protective factor for their emerging identity.

•  For lesbian youth with sexual desires, it’s very important to reinforce the healthy nature of wanting sex. Countering cultural influences is important for other females and nonbinary youth; however, it’s particularly important for personality and sexual development in lesbian youth.

     ATTRACTION, DATING, AND COMMUNITY

LEARN

Lesbian youth often experience invisibility, and as such, dating and finding partners can be a challenge. Finding yourself attracted to another girl, and not knowing if she’s into girls can make it hard to pair up, or even talk about it.

PRACTICE

Here are some tips to consider if you find yourself attracted to another girl, and you’re not sure if she’s open to it or not:

•  Begin slowly: Ask general questions like: “Do you have a crush on anyone?” Or, “Who do you think is cute?” Another option is: “Are you into anyone these days?"

•  Raise the topic: Inquire about current events in the news that pertain to LGBTQ+ youth to gauge their interest and open mindedness about the topic. Discuss marriage equality, Gay Straight Alliance in schools, etc.

•  Set boundaries with inappropriate stuff: If you hear an offensive joke, try to speak up and say it’s not ok to make jokes like that in front of you. Try to stand up for others if you hear homophobic comments, though don’t be hard on yourself if you can’t.
It’s really tough stuff!

•  Use media, entertainment, movies, and music: Discuss shows, music, and other entertainment that includes lesbian characters. Notice how your friend reacts when you bring up scenes or songs about females loving females. You can use this topic as a jumping off point to bring up girls kissing girls, and see how your friend feels about it.

•  Ask another friend: If there is someone else at your school who is out as a lesbian, mention their name to your friend. Notice their reaction. Alternatively, you can go to that person and ask if they know if the girl you like might be open to it. Sometimes friends know things that other people do not.

•  Be brave! If you feel comfortable, you can try the direct approach and ask: “Are you gay?” You can also drop hints that you’re interested in girls.

REFLECT

•  It can be hard to broach the topic of sex and dating.

•  Stop talking about this topic if you, or your friend, becomes uncomfortable. You can say: “I know I brought this up, but it’s really hard for me. Maybe we can talk about it another time."

•  It’s important to avoid directly asking people about their sexual orientation unless you have a close relationship already. People can get really embarrassed, and feel outed even though that wasn’t your intention.

•  It can be hard to find the right time to talk to someone about sexuality and attraction. Find a private place.

•  Finding people who are like you can be a little challenging. It just means you need to look in places like the GSA, the gay and lesbian center in your community, or new friend groups. You can do it!

     SLEEPOVERS AND PARENTS

LEARN

Parents often feel more comfortable with same gender sleepovers in adolescence. This tends to result from the fear that heterosexual hookups can lead to pregnancy and STD transmission. When parents learn about their daughter being lesbian, a same gender sleepover can cause conflict between lesbian youth and parents.

PRACTICE

Tips for lesbian youth to use when dealing with parents:

•  Reassure your parents that the door will always be open to your room.

•  Tell your parents that you respect them and that you are honorable. Then stick to it.

•  If you really want your girlfriend to sleep over and it makes your parents uncomfortable, find the compromise where nobody is happy. Agree to be in open sight and don’t fool around, or just sleep separately. At least you two can be nearer to each other.

REFLECT

•  Negotiating parental rules and limits around sex and dating is challenging for youth, maybe more so for lesbian youth because the social structure doesn’t support their development.

•  See if you can balance your needs with your parents’ rules. It’s hard, but if you care about them and yourself at the same time, you can find the middle path.

     “LOTS OF LESBIANS PLAY ELITE SPORTS” (ZIEGLER, 2016)

LEARN

Two weeks before Jason Collins came out, WNBA star Brittney Griner came out. She received much less media attention.

WNBA TV revenue is $10 million compared to the NBA’s $2.67 billion per year.

Many lesbian athletes came out earlier, such as Sheryl Swoopes in 2005, and the consensus among WNBA players was that it’s easier to count straight players than lesbians.

Ziegler disagrees with this consensus. From his perspective as a gay sports journalist, there is a preponderance of lesbians in elite-level team sports.

For lesbian youth, athletes also serve as civil rights activists who’ve paved the way for coming out and being authentic. (This is also true for gay, bisexual, and transyouth, too.)

PRACTICE

•  As part of your development into adulthood, your sexual identity is a critical element. Learning about the lesbian athletes who are out there is one way to find role models that empower and inspire you.

•  Read up about tennis pro Martina Navratilova, tennis pro Billie Jean King, pro soccer player Abby Wambach and her new wife Glennon Doyle.

REFLECT

•  Athlete Ally is a nonprofit organization promoting LGBTQ+ allies in athletics.

     EARLY CHILDHOOD SEXUAL EXPERIMENTATION

LEARN

Some lesbians have had early sexual experiences in their childhood. The urge, curiosity, and interest in exploring sex is totally normal and doesn’t necessarily appear for the first time in the teen years. For some, messing around in childhood is quite common and need not be associated with shame—especially if both people consented.

PRACTICE

This practice is an invitation to give yourself permission to move beyond any childhood sexual experiences that leave you feeling shameful.

There’s nothing more to this practice than letting go and allowing yourself to be perfectly human with all the positive and negative experiences that come with the ride. Try it now.

REFLECT

•  Letting go is much easier said than done. If you find this practice challenging, just know it’s ok! It’s common.

•  Take your time with letting go. Sit with the idea for a while without committing to it.

•  If any part of your childhood experiences felt traumatic or violating, they probably were. Letting go may be much harder in these situations. Take the time to heal the experience in order to let it go. Rely on professional help to do so because it’s pretty hard stuff.