Questioning Youth

Gender and sexuality can feel rigid and defined, especially in North American culture. Questioning youth remind us that this is an illusion. Chapter Seven explores fluidity and openness to both gender and sexuality. It offers youth and clinicians/educators an opportunity to explore sexual and gender identity with openness and without the need to label.

     GENDER FLUIDITY

LEARN

Some young people feel most authentic without labeling their gender, while others feel the need to take on new labels to better express themselves. Whether you’re figuring things out about your gender or are absolutely certain, just know it’s ok to be however you want! Genderqueer, agender, bigender, pangender, and other terms are separate ways to express gender expansiveness or non-conformity. In the practice below, evaluate your queerness, for you. Just look at how fluid your gender feels, or not. Remember, it can change over time; it can also be stable over time. Everyone is different, and change happens.

PRACTICE

(0 = not at all; 10 = totally)

1. When thinking about your gender identity, how much does it match the one you were assigned at birth?

2. When thinking about the binary terms for gender (male/female,) how much do they apply to you?

3. When imagining how you’d like to be seen by others, how well do the binary gender terms fit you?

4. Do you feel more gender expansive than the binary terms allow? If so, discuss how much.

REFLECT

•   Going beyond the gender binary means you embrace gender fluidity and/or expansiveness.

•   It’s ok if this leaves you feeling different. Most people feel different in some way, especially LGBTQ+ youth still figuring it all out.

     SEXUAL FLUIDITY

LEARN

Another way youth can be questioning is around sexuality. Experimenting and identifying as anything other than straight can involve a process of coming to awareness and out to others. The following practice invites you to consider sexuality beyond the obvious straight/heteronormative and being open to any possibility that fits you.

PRACTICE

Explore the terms for sexuality:

•   Pansexual

•   Bisexual

•   Omnisexual

•   Skoliosexual

•   Demisexual

•   Grey Ace

•   Asexual

•   Polysexual

REFLECT

•   Looking up the terms above, (or find definitions in the answer key in Chapter One) if any are unfamiliar to you; it could be one way to better understand yourself and your emerging sexuality.

•   For some people, there is variation and fluidity throughout their lives. For other people, sexuality remains stable. Let yourself know who you are, whether it changes over time or not.

     IMPERMANENCE

LEARN

In Buddhist psychology, we learn that so much is ever-changing—everything is impermanent! Questioning youth seem to understand this at a deep level while challenging the definitions of gender, sexuality, and what it means to be human.

PRACTICE

Anatta is the state of self that is ever-changing.

Consider the statement above.

To what extent do you/do you not identify with the changing nature of being human?

                                 

Do you feel your gender and sexual identities are fixed, rigid, and exactly as you were assigned at birth? Discuss.

                                 

Are the assumptions made about you, your gender, and/or your sexuality always accurate? Why/why not?

                                 

Could there be parts of you that change and develop over time? If so, what, why, and how? If not, why?

                                 

In what ways are your gender identity and/or sexual orientation fluid and changing or fixed and rigid?

                                 

REFLECT

•   It takes courage and bravery to question anything!

•   That you’re even taking this time to explore the variations in human nature, sexuality, and gender identity is a gift to you, and to the whole world!

•   When you take this time to better know yourself, with kindness, and remembering that there are others like you, it transforms. You transform, your interactions become very different, and everyone around you starts to seem quite different, too.

     GROWTH MINDSET AND NEUROPLASTICITY

LEARN

Research by Carol Dweck (2006) suggests that having a “growth” mindset contributes to greater success. This mindset embraces the idea of impermanence described in practice #3, and grounds it in research. We now know that the brain is plastic, and can generate new connections throughout life. With this in mind, people can definitely grow and change. They can cultivate new talents, skills, and abilities simply by being open and practicing.

When it comes to questioning youth, it’s like the growth mindset is already in action. The days of “fixed” mindset are long gone; the genes and intelligence we are born with aren’t simply what we get—it can be so much more over time! Similarly, the gender assigned at birth, and the sexuality we are assumed to have may change over time, and/or not be fixed at all.

PRACTICE

Fixed mindset:

How do you feel about change?

                                 

How do you feel about stagnation? Has your personal style ever stagnated, stalled, or just gotten plain stuck?

                                 

Growth mindset:

In what ways are you open to and embracing change?

                                 

What aspects of change excite you?

                                 

Which parts of change are frightening or worth avoiding?

                                 

Gender and/or sexuality:

When you consider your gender and/or sexuality, which mindset applies best? Fixed or growth, and why?

                                 

REFLECT

•   Remember, there are no right or wrong answers, and no “correct” way to be.

•   Being you can change over time as you figure out who you are, as well as what you need and want to thrive.

•   Take all the time you need to explore your gender and sexuality. Whichever mindset you take, just be you!