Jodi was confusing and frustrating the hell out of me. I didn’t understand why she wasn’t willing to fight for her life. I had been afraid of the world seeing me loving another woman. Now I was afraid I would lose that woman forever.
I dropped her off at her apartment. She didn’t invite me in and I didn’t push. I held off the tears until she closed the door to the apartment building behind her. I slammed my fists against the steering wheel until my hands went numb.
I roughly wiped the tears from my cheeks and drove to my sister’s house.
“You look like you’ve been crying. What’s going on? Is it Al again?” She hadn’t bothered to say hello. She gave me a hug. “Come on, let’s go out back. I’ll get us iced tea.”
I followed her to the kitchen, where she poured two glasses of iced tea, and out the back door to the deck. I had always envied Jen’s backyard. She, like my mother, was a master at gardening. Flowers in an array of colors lined up along the edge of the house and stood at attention in a circle surrounded by a stone border in the center of the yard.
I pulled out a chair and sat at the glass patio table. Jen set a glass of iced tea in front of me and sat on the opposite side of the table.
A few tears leaked from my eyes. Without a word, Jen went back into the house and brought out a stack of napkins. I dabbed at my eyes.
“Speak,” Jen said.
“I left Al,” I started.
“Oh, honey, that must have been so hard. I’m so sorry.”
I let out a laugh. The irony of it all hit me. “That was the easy part.”
“And what is the hard part?”
“Do you remember Jodi?”
“Of course.”
I took a swallow of the tea. I needed a moment to compose myself. “She’s sick. Cancer.”
Jen leaned forward. “Oh my God, Beth. I’m so sorry.” She reached her hand across the table and placed it over mine. “I know you were close.”
“Close is an understatement.” It was time for the truth to be told. I had spent too much time running from it—running from myself.
“What does that mean?”
I looked my sister straight in the eye. I took a deep breath, then looked away. A few more tears ran down my cheeks. Not as easy as I thought it would be. “I’m…” I turned back to face Jen. “I’m in love with her. I have been for a long time.”
I didn’t know Jen’s eyes could open that wide. It took her a moment to compose herself. “That’s not something…” She shook her head. “I’m just surprised…” She cleared her throat and started again. “Okay. Does she feel the same way about you?”
“She did. I don’t know anymore. She seems to have given up on life. On everything. She just recently found out about the cancer and she’s not handling it well.”
“What can I do to help?”
I wasn’t sure what to expect from my sister, but her kindness surprised me. “Nothing. Just…I don’t know. I just needed someone to talk to. I don’t know what to do to help her. I can’t let her die. I just can’t.”
“Of course not.” She handed me another napkin and I realized I had twisted the first one into a wet wad. “Does this mean you’re gay?”
“I don’t know what it means.” That was the truth. “Do we have to label it?”
“Have you been attracted to any other women in your life?” I guess the questions were to be expected. I never gave any indication that this was even possible.
“Nope.”
“Maybe you’re pansexual.”
“I don’t even know what that means.”
“It’s a sexual or romantic attraction toward someone regardless of their gender. You fall in love with their heart.”
“That sounds like it fits.”
“Have you told anyone else this?”
“I told Maddie about my feelings and why I left Al. She was very supportive. I haven’t told her about the cancer yet.” I wanted to know more about the treatment options and what decisions Jodi would make before telling her.
“You left Al because of Jodi?”
“I did. But when I told Jodi that, she said no. She said she didn’t have anything to offer.”
“How did you feel about that?”
“Freaking heartbroken. But the cancer and the fear of losing her…of her dying…” I closed my eyes. The possibility of her dying was more than I could bear. I cleared my throat. “Her cancer kind of overshadowed the fact that she had just rejected me. I’m still going to fight for her. Fight to be with her and help her fight for her life.”
“And how are you going to do that if she won’t let you in?”
“I have no idea. But I’m going to give it everything I’ve got.”