Beth took my hand as we sat in the waiting room. It was warm and comforting. I was sure mine must have been ice-cold. “Nervous?”
“Little bit,” I replied. It was all I could do to keep from passing out. I forced myself to keep my breath steady so I wouldn’t hyperventilate.
“Just a little bit? I guess that’s good for your first procedure.”
“If you believe that, I have some swampland in Florida I’m looking to sell.”
“I could tell by your trembling hand that you were lying.”
The room painted a calming yellow shade had twenty or so chairs lining the walls and about ten more in the center of the room. Only a dozen were occupied. Almost everyone had their eyes locked on their smartphones. A few watched the silent television hanging on the wall, words from closed captioning crawled across the bottom of the screen.
I stood up when I heard my name called, still holding on to Beth’s hand.
“Can I come?” Beth asked.
“I’ll come back to get you when she is all set up with a gown and IV,” the nurse said.
“You got this,” Beth said. She squeezed my hand. I was reluctant to let go. “I’ll see you soon.”
I nodded and silently followed the nurse. Her scrub suit boasted the characters from Rug Rats. It brought me back to when my kids were babies and transfixed on the TV and that cartoon.
My kids. I missed them terribly. I still hadn’t told Annie what was going on, but had a hard time keeping my composure when I filled Andrew in over the phone. He had offered to request emergency leave to come home. I asked him to hold off on that. I needed to stay focused on getting through this procedure. I didn’t want to have to worry about him worrying about me.
I was led to a small room made up of one real wall in the back and three curtains that were pulled closed to make up the other three walls. A hospital gown was lying over the bed and I was instructed to remove all my clothes and change into the gown—ties in the front. I was given a large purple plastic bag with a drawstring for my clothes and a smaller one for my shoes.
I was changed and in bed with an uncomfortable IV in my arm when Beth was led into the makeshift room.
“That color looks good on you,” she said. “Pale green is definitely your color.”
“It kind of matches the color of your face,” I answered. “You don’t look so good. I think you’re more nervous than I am if that’s even possible.”
“It is.” She pulled a chair close to the bed. I hoped she would take my hand again and she didn’t disappoint.
The nurse fiddled with the regulator thing on the IV tubing. “The doctor will be here in a few minutes,” she said. “Do you need anything?”
“A hamburger would be nice.”
She laughed. “Afraid not.”
“I’ll get you a hamburger once this is over and you’re up to it,” Beth said. She ran a finger over the back of my hand she was holding. It sent a shiver through me. I made sure she didn’t see how it affected me.
“The hell with that. I want steak and lobster after this.” I shook my head. “So far this isn’t nearly as fun as I thought it would be.”
“No, huh? Okay. Steak and lobster, it is. I promise.”
Dr. Daniels pulled the curtain back and stuck his head in. “How we doing?” he asked before coming all the way in. “You ready for this?”
“Ready as I’ll ever be,” I answered. “Too late to run out now anyway. This gown doesn’t cover up enough to escape in.”
“That’s the plan.” He pulled a small stool up to the side of the bed and sat down. “Just to remind you, we’re going to be doing targeted therapy. You chose to forgo traditional chemotherapy. We are going into the abdomen with a small cut…” He gently pulled the sheet down and opened up part of my gown, exposing my stomach. “Right here.” He pulled a black Sharpie from his coat pocket and made an X where the cut would be and signed his name above it. “We carefully snake a catheter to your pancreas and implant the medicated disc to the area above the tumor. We remove the catheter and glue the small incision.” He paused, giving us a chance to absorb the information. He had explained this along with the doctor who was running the study already, but I appreciated the fact that he was going over it again. It was a lot to take in.
“The disc not only slowly releases a localize chemo med, it should also stop the tumor from invading the liver. The disc is biodegradable. It will dissolve on its own after all the medicine is released. Any questions so far?”
I shook my head. He looked over at Beth and she did the same.
“The chances of side effects are fairly low, but there have been some cases in the study ranging from mild to more severe. None have been life threatening. But some have been very unpleasant for the patient.”
Beth gave my hand a squeeze. I was so glad for her support. I don’t think I could have gone through this on my own.
The doctor continued. “We monitor you weekly, looking to see if the tumor is shrinking, which is our first goal. When we get to a more manageable size, we add radiation to the regiment. Final step is surgery. Best-case scenario is removal with clean margins.”
“And if the margins aren’t clean?” Beth asked. He had covered this before, but I’m sure she just wanted to make sure she understood it.
“Then we weigh our options. Full on chemo, more radiation, possibly a second surgery. Have you signed all the paperwork yet?”
As if on cue, the nurse came back into the room. “Got it right here.” She held up stack of papers.
The doctor stood. “Very good. Any final questions?”
“Well, I’m not crazy about the fact that they would be final questions,” I said. I was actually starting to feel better about the whole situation. I might not be dead in a matter of months after all. I kept a check on my optimism, though. I didn’t want to get too hopeful. Beth, on the other hand, seemed to have enough hope for the both of us.
The doctor chuckled. “I guess I’m going to have to work on my bedside manner. Let me rephrase. Do you have any other questions before surgery?”
“I do not. Beth?”
She shook her head. “Nope. I think you covered everything quite nicely.”
“All right then. After you sign the consent forms, you’ll be given something to relax you and then you’ll head to the OR where we’ll get ’er done.”
He took his leave and the nurse proceeded with the paperwork. When everything was signed and dated, she plunged a syringe into the port on the IV line.
“Is that going to put her to sleep?” Beth asked.
“It’s going to relax her first, but she’ll be asleep by the time she gets to the OR.” She checked my vitals one more time. Everything was in order. My blood pressure was slightly higher than normal, but she said that wasn’t unusual. “Anything else you need?” she asked, then left when I said no.
Several minutes later, my mind started to feel a little fuzzy. I wasn’t sure if I liked it or not.
“How ya doing?” Beth asked.
Her eyes looked a little bigger than normal. “To be totally honest, I’m scared. So, if you’re a praying woman, get down on your knees. I’m not telling you to actually pray. I just like my women on their knees.” Beth burst out laughing and I joined in.
“Miss Michaels,” a blurry man with a clipboard asked, interrupting us. He scanned my wristband.
I nodded.
“I’m Jason. I’m here to transport you to surgery. All set?”
I nodded again, afraid my speech might slur. I wasn’t sure what they gave me, but I was tempted to ask if I could take some home.
He unlocked the wheels on the bed and wheeled me toward my destiny.