I know Beth was surprised by the kiss. To tell you the truth, I had even surprised myself. I was feeling closer to her every time I saw her. I stopped fighting the growing feelings and stopped pushing her away. I knew she wouldn’t make the first move. She was respecting the decision I had made when she first said she wanted to be with me. I wasn’t sure how far or how fast I should take this, but that kiss was definitely the first step toward finding out. I knew it was ballsy to do it in a public place, but I couldn’t help myself in the moment. And Beth seemed fine with it, much to my relief.
We ordered our coffee and found a couple of comfy chairs by the window. “I’m glad we got out for a while today,” Beth said.
“Me too. If it’s nice tomorrow maybe we can go to the park and sit by the water after you get out of work.” I sipped my coffee and decided I needed to let it cool down a little.
“Maybe we could feed the ducks. I can pick up a couple of loaves of bread.”
“Oh no,” I said.
“No duck feeding?”
I shook my head. “We can feed the ducks, but not bread. It’s not good for them.”
Beth laughed. “Just cause you’re off of gluten, no one can have it?”
“I read it. Honest. I don’t lie—hardly at all—anymore.”
“Anymore? Good to hear. So, what do we feed them? Chicken feed?”
I tried my coffee again. Still too hot.
“Need more cream?” Beth asked and was up getting it for me before I even had time to answer. She handed me several containers, and I added two to my coffee and sipped again.
“Thank you. You take good care of me.”
“You’re worth it. Anyone ever tell you that?”
I thought about it for a second. Claire certainly hadn’t. “Nope. Just you.”
“That’s cause everyone else is an idiot. Now tell me what we feed the ducks so I can pick some up.”
“Cracked corn, frozen peas, or corn that’s been thawed, cut grapes.” I tapped my chin trying to remember what else I had read. “Oats.”
“I think I have some instant oatmeal at home. Do you think they would like the apple and cinnamon flavor?”
“Are you out of your mind? They shouldn’t eat that. They much prefer the maple and brown sugar variety.”
Beth laughed out loud. “You’re such a goof.”
“That’s why you love me.”
She turned serious for a moment. “It is. It’s one of the many reasons.”
The coffee shop was filling up, I suspected the nearby movie theater had just let out. The gentle hum of conversation replaced the silence that greeted us when we first walked in. “How many reasons are there?” I asked.
She thought for a moment. “Six thousand, four hundred, seventy-two and a half.”
“What’s the half?”
“You squeeze the toothpaste from the middle of the tube. But you always clean any toothpaste that oozes out before you put the cap back on. Minus one for the squeeze and plus a half for the clean cap.”
“You’ve got this down to a science, huh?”
“Pretty much.” She sipped her coffee. Her tone turned serious. “Are you ready for next week?” Radiation. Five days a week for three weeks. The latest scan showed that the localized chemo they had inserted had shrunk the tumor by about ten percent. The next step, radiation, would hopefully shrink it even more. The smaller it was when they performed the final surgery to remove it the better all around. Was I ready? I guessed so. I wasn’t looking forward to it or the possibility of side effects.
I nodded. “Ready as I’ll ever be to have a radioactive beam shot into my body.”
“Stop it. You’re turning me on.”
I laughed. The mouthful of coffee I had just taken threatened to come spewing out. I managed to swallow it down without choking. I continued to laugh until I had tears in my eyes. I needed this. I needed Beth. How could I have not recognized it sooner? I had been in such denial. I think I had wanted her since the first time we sat down and had a conversation. But so much had been in our way. Most of that was gone now, but not the cancer. I sent a silent plea up to the Universe for healing so I could live my life with Beth, if she still wanted me. I realized I hadn’t done that. I hadn’t asked the Universe, my spirit guides, or anyone else on the other side for help with this. How utterly foolish of me to try to face this alone.
“You okay?” Beth asked. “You got very quiet there all of a sudden.”
“Yep. I was just thinking.”
“Care to share?”
“I was thinking how grateful I am to have you. And how wonderful you are.”
“That goes both ways, my friend.”
Friend. That was the category I had kept her in. Forced her to stay in. I hoped it wasn’t too late to explore other possibilities.
“What do you say we blow this Popsicle stand?” I asked.
“What? What does that mean?”
“You’ve never heard that before? Do I have to teach you everything?”
“There’s a thing or two I’m willing to let you teach me.”
I was getting the feeling she hadn’t changed her mind about being with me. The thought sent a tingle through me, and I was momentarily lost in the feeling.
“Well?”
“Um…”
“What does it mean?”
Oh that. I had completely forgotten the question. “It means let’s get out of here.”
“That’s a funny way to say it.” She stood, reached for my empty coffee cup, tucked it inside of hers, and offered me a hand. I accepted the help and carefully boosted myself up.
“Here we go,” she said. “Blowing this Popsicle stand.”
Here we go, I thought. Here we go.