The week with Jodi had been amazing. I didn’t know I could feel like that. So loved. So wanted. So a part of someone else. I’d only slept home one night and went back to Jodi’s the next day after work with clothes and several bags of groceries.
We were about to put the romance on hold and start the radiation treatments. I knew Jodi was anxious, both to get them started and to get them over with. We were told that the treatments themselves were short, only lasting about fifteen minutes a session, and painless. But there was always the possibility of side effects. So, fear of the unknown held a space in the back of my brain as I’m sure it did in Jodi’s.
Jodi came out of the bedroom dressed in a button-down dress shirt and a crisp pair of jeans. “I’m ready to go, if you are.”
“Why are you so dressed up?”
“I am meeting the procedure that is going to help me back on the road to perfect health. I wanted to make a good impression.” She smiled. It was so good to see her fighting this and happy to be alive again.
“Well, you look great. That radiation should be very impressed.” I had taken the day off from work, leaving Cindy in charge, so I could spend the rest of the day with Jodi.
The trip to the hospital was relatively quick. The wait to get the treatment—not so much. Jodi was unusually quiet as we sat in the waiting area. I gave her hand a squeeze. “How ya doing?”
“I’ll be better when this is over with.”
“Want me to see what’s taking them so long?” A tech in bright green scrubs called Jodi’s name before she had a chance to answer. I stood up when she did and gave her a kiss. “You got this, honey.” I sat back down to wait and reflected on how far I had come with Jodi, from my first thoughts of loving her and the fear it provoked. So much so that I had to bury it inside me. To now, when I could kiss her in a semi-public place. Maybe it had to do with my fear of losing her. I didn’t want to miss any opportunity to show her how much I cared.
“How did it go?” I asked her when she came out.
“It was a simulation. I had forgotten that this appointment was a CT scan to locate the tumor and the exact place to aim the radiation.” She lifted her shirt to show me a small mark on her skin. “Right here.”
I hadn’t gone with her to the appointment to discuss the radiation therapy and what to expect. I made a mental note not to miss any other appointments. It wasn’t like Jodi to forget things, but she was so overwhelmed with this disease, I wasn’t surprised.
“No side effects today, so if you want you can go to work after you drop me off. I wanted to work on a new design idea I have for a sign, so I’ll be fine.” I was happy to hear that. She’d finished the sign orders she had already started when she was first diagnosed but hadn’t done any work since. It had been like she was sitting back, waiting to die.
I took her up on her offer to just drop her back off at home but decided not to go to work. I ran home, grabbed a few odds and ends that I wanted with me at Jodi’s, and then headed to my mother’s.
“Hi, sweetie,” Mom said. I found her in the backyard, working in her garden. “No work today.”
I sat in a nearby lawn chair. “No, Jodi had her first radiation appointment today.”
“Oh, that’s right. Let me go wash my hands. Come on in. I have iced tea in the house. You can tell me how it went.”
I filled my mom in on the few details for today.
“She is so lucky to have a friend like you.”
I tapped my finger on the side of my glass, avoiding my mother’s eyes. “It’s more than that, Mom.”
“She’s your best friend. I know that.”
I took a deep breath and searched for the best words. I decided to dive right in. “I love her.” I looked up at her to gauge her reaction.
“Of course, you do, honey.”
I let out a small laugh and shook my head. This wasn’t going to be as easy as I thought. But so far it would have made a great comedy routine. I started again. “I’m in love with her.”
A look of confusion crossed her face. “What do you mean?”
I gave it a minute to sink in. I could see the cogs turning in her head and the moment she understood.
“Oh. Um…Oh.”
“Yeah.”
“Was it something I did?”
“What?”
“Did I not pay enough attention to you when you were growing up? Or maybe I should have remarried after your father died. You probably needed a man around to see how life was supposed to be.”
“Mom. Stop. You didn’t do anything. This isn’t something that’s wrong.”
She went to the fridge, opened the door, and peered in. “I have cheesecake if you want a piece.”
“Mom, sit down. I don’t want cheesecake. I want to talk to you.”
“How about a sandwich?”
“Should I not talk about this?”
She turned toward me. “I didn’t raise you to be gay.”
I didn’t bother to correct her. Words and labels didn’t matter. I loved Jodi, and as they say, it was what it was. She could call it what she wanted.
“Mom. Sit. Please.”
She did. Silently.
“You know Jodi. She’s a great person. She makes me happy.”
“I don’t know what you want me to say.”
“I just want to know that you still love me.”
She reached for my hand and held it between her hands. “Oh, honey. Of course, I love you. I will always love you. I just worry. This isn’t an easy thing.”
“I fought it for a long time, Mom, and I was miserable. I tried to be married. And I was miserable. It’s different with Jodi. I’m happy. So happy.”
“Is it because of all the men that have hurt you that you want to be with a woman now?”
“No. They have nothing to do with this.”
“So, what now? Are you going to have a gay wedding?”
I couldn’t help but laugh. “I think it’s just called a wedding. And I don’t know what’s going to happen. It is way too early for that. Right now, we just need to concentrate on Jodi getting well.”
The conversation took a turn to Jodi’s health. The three most important people in my life now knew—and the world didn’t end. I had spent so much time running from myself and from the truth that it felt like I had been holding my breath and could finally breathe. It was such a relief. Now we just had to get Jodi better. Maybe I could think of a thing or two to give her something to live for. I made a quick stop at Jen’s house before going back to Jodi’s. There were a few things I wanted to borrow.