I grabbed his jacket to steady myself. The rest of me froze while my face caught fire. My eyes closed as he kissed me, hungry and demanding. My knees weakened and it felt like I was falling or spinning or… launching into the stratosphere. I leaned into his broad, muscular chest and reveled in the warmth, tilting my head as his nose bumped mine.
I’d been kissed before after grad school when I wanted to experience the social world. Typically I’d been distracted from the actual sensations of kissing and sex by evaluating pressure, moistness, position of hands, open or closed lips, and everything else. Even the semi-long-term boyfriend rarely distracted me from the rest of what went on in my brain.
But with Archer…
The rest of the world disappeared. Every thought in my head disintegrated. I could only feel. His hands, his lips, his body. His touch intoxicated me.
He abruptly wrenched back, breathing raggedly, and retreated. He stared at me and his fists clenched.
I held on to my truck so I didn’t drop on my ass in the slush. I touched my lips. My head whirled; I would not have been surprised if cartoon hearts rotated around me in a halo. But I couldn’t speak. What the actual fuck just happened?
Archer groaned and stayed at least six feet away from me. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have come here.”
“You’re sorry?” I laughed in disbelief. Whatever heat remained from his touch dissipated in the chilly air. The distance between us gaped even farther. “That’s what you have to say? You’re sorry.”
The muscles in his jaw jumped and ticked, and tendons stood out in his neck. His shoulders tensed visibly under the thin, forest green sweater, like he was about to Hulk-smash something. “I’m not this guy. I don’t do this. I don’t get… emotionally compromised.”
“Emotionally compromised,” I said. Maybe I would just follow him around repeating the fucked-up things he said. “And people call me the fucking robot. Perfect. Well, maybe we call this a wrap. Leave my payment at the hardware store. I wouldn’t want to emotionally compromise you more.”
Even though every cell in my body screamed to run over, wrap my legs around his waist, and suck the lips right off his face. But I couldn’t risk it. I couldn’t risk him destroying what I’d rebuilt of my heart after losing Jamie and Dad.
Archer ran his hands through his hair until it stood on end, his eyes wild. “No. That’s not… God damn it. I can’t get close to any contributors. There has to be a degree of objectivity and separation, so no one’s judgment is compromised. But I want to know you better, Ada. I want to take you to dinner and find out what your favorite movie is. You’re exasperating but in a way I miss when you’re not there. I love the way your mind works and how ridiculously stubborn you can be about the strangest things. Your commitment to your family is so rare, and it’s something… something I’d like to have.”
He trailed off to nothing, still breathing hard. The words pained him as they ripped free, maybe, or he’d held them so long he choked. He sounded like he’d run a marathon, which was something since being attacked by a werewolf hadn’t impressed him much.
My jaw went slack. I stared at him. What did I say to that? He thought I was stubborn and exasperating and ridiculous, but he found those traits desirable? I couldn’t compute. I just looked at him, my mental wheels spinning and spinning without getting traction.
Did that mean he liked me? Like, liked me?
Archer searched my face. Desperation crept into his voice. “Say something, Ada.”
“Galaxy Quest.”
“What?”
I rubbed my face and hoped I didn’t cry – again. “My favorite movie. Galaxy Quest.”
“The goofy alien one?”
“Yeah.” I cleared my throat and wiped my eyes as I lost the battle against more ridiculous, uncontrollable emotions. “I always wished a spaceship would come for me. So maybe I’d get to fit in somewhere else.”
His expression softened. But he remained out of reach. “You fit in, Ada. You don’t give yourself enough credit.”
“It’s okay,” I said. I cleared my throat to get rid of the hoarse, scratching pain of forcing myself to speak. Maybe if I went home and cried to Hopper, he’d make me feel better. “I don’t know how to do this kind of thing,” I gestured between us, “even on a good day. And right now, there aren’t many good days. If there’s something you want from me or you see… happening, then I need to know. And if you’re done and going to be professional, then you have to stay that way. I can’t go back and forth.”
“I know.” Archer exhaled. “I’m sorry. I’ll… I’ll get you an answer today.”
An answer. Like it was as simple as him doing some quick pros and cons, sketching out a plan, and passing the information my way. Maybe it was that simple for him. Would have been damn convenient if I could have done the same, but it felt like most of the available data remained beyond my reach.
I nodded, stiff and uncomfortable as the cold worked through me and encased my heart in ice. “Okay.”
We looked at each other for a looooong moment, weighing regrets and things unsaid, then I turned and got in my truck. It wasn’t until I pulled onto the highway back to Chilhowee that the real terror of his answer remained. What if he said he liked me and wanted to do all those things he said? Did he have to quit his job or leave Chilhowee? And what the hell would I do? I had no idea where he lived.
But what if he said he would stay professional and that was it, nothing could happen? How could I be around him without struggling with those feelings, without admiring his confidence and strength? Could I really let him leave without kissing him again or making it clear that I wanted him?
My eyes burned and the road blurred ahead of me even after the wipers cleared the windshield of sleet. Why did I leave it up to him? Why did he make the decision? What if he’d given me the choice? What would I have done?
Tension gathered in my shoulders and I gripped the steering wheel tighter.
Before I knew it, my truck pulled up outside Betsy’s house. I stumbled up to her door and rang the bell, wiping my cheeks so I could grovel with a little dignity, but the moment she opened the door and gave me a look, I burst into tears.