Justice was served today, but why does it feel so wrong? It brought me no satisfaction to see Ben led to the cells. He looked at me as he was taken away. I’d expected hatred, but there was nothing but pity. Why? Why did he pity me? And how dare he? I’m not the one doomed to spend at least eleven years in prison. I hope I never see him again. He used me, and I still don’t understand how.
Elliot finally broke down and disrupted the judge’s sentencing with some shouting and crying. Cynthia Hughes dragged him out of the court after raised words from the normally placid judge.
I ran into them on my way out. I tried to apologize but Elliot was so angry.
“You’re not sorry,” he said. “You’re a liar. He didn’t push anyone. I saw what happened.”
“So did I,” I responded calmly. There were solicitors and court officials all around us. “You’re imagining things, Elliot. It doesn’t matter what I said. Mr. Elmys confessed.”
“So I wouldn’t have to be a witness,” Elliot snapped back. “So I wouldn’t have to take the stand to tell everyone you lied. He did it to protect me.”
“You’re not supposed to say anything about that, Elliot,” Cynthia Hughes chided him.
“Why?” I asked. “Why wouldn’t he want you to clear him? If he really believed he was innocent?”
Elliot didn’t reply immediately. He stared at me with brooding hatred. Finally, he spoke. “He was worried they might make me talk about it—” He clammed up.
“The secret,” I blurted out. “The one you almost told me about at the house?”
“I should never have spoken to you. I should never have told you he was going to take me away. I should never have trusted you.” He turned his fierce eyes on me. “You’re a liar. He never hurt that man. You’re a liar and I hate you. I never want to see you again.”
Those were his last words to me. Cynthia Hughes put her arm around his shoulder, gave me a courteous but cold nod, and took him outside.
I think back to that night and wonder about what really happened. It was so dark and chaotic. What did I really see? Did Sabih step back and fall? Or did Ben Elmys lash out and kick him over? I thought I knew the truth, but now I’m not so sure. Does it matter? I’m almost certain Ben had a hand in David and Beth Asha’s deaths, and if he hadn’t fought Sabih, my friend would still be alive, so he was responsible for his death.
Maybe deep down, part of me wants to see Ben suffer for rejecting me? Does it matter? The man I loved was an illusion. The real man deserves to be locked up.
I could be kidding myself, though. Maybe punishing Ben Elmys for Sabih’s death means I don’t have to keep punishing myself. Perhaps the suffering of another is my absolution?
There’s never going to be absolution, though. The man you loved proved to be rotten. Everything you’d thought about him was wrong. All those happy moments were tainted. He had been trying to use you in some way. To cover his tracks and compromise any potential police investigation?
It didn’t matter, because whatever his motivation, he’d pretended to be someone he wasn’t. Everything you thought you felt about him was built on a lie. He hasn’t just killed your friend, and the memories of the good times you’d shared when you thought you were in love. He’s murdered your hopes for the future. How will you ever trust anyone again? How will you trust your own judgment? How will you love anyone like that ever again? How will you ever be able to feel so deeply? You’ll always hold something back so no one can ever hurt you the way he did.