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Josh hadn’t talked about Sean’s death in years.
It hurt too much. Even now.
But with Lilly naked beside him, he felt compelled to make her understand why he’d never get married again and didn’t want kids. The world was such a terrible place and there were too many people out there who hated Americans. He would constantly fear for them and want to protect them. But couldn’t. He’d failed his brother. Failing a wife or a child...unthinkable.
“You know my youngest brother was murdered.” Lilly stumbled over the sentence but went on, “so I know how you feel.”
No way in hell did she know how he felt. He and his SEALs had been close enough to save both Sean and the ambassador to Libya. But they’d been ordered to hold while fucking politicians were awakened back in D.C., put on their thousand-dollar suits, and were brought by limousine to a conference room hours too late to make a decision. Sean had already been dead by the time the committee was assembled. The only thing they had decided in that room was how to cover up their lack of immediate action.
“Your brother was the ambassador?” Lilly asked.
With a sneer, Josh replied, “No. He was the TOG.”
“Excuse me?” She looked so innocent and beautiful as she peered over at him. “Is that an acronym for some kind of government job?”
He couldn’t hold in his chuckle. In a strange way, yes. “No. It stands for The Other Guy, the one no one knows so he’s never mentioned in the press, as though his life wasn’t as important as the ambassador’s.” Josh tamped down his rage and drew Lilly close. Having her beside him felt comforting. No woman, not even his ex-wife, had made him open up about his feelings. But Lilly was different. Special. It seemed so easy lying in bed and talking to her this way.
“Sean was the Information Officer for the U.S. Embassy in Tripoli, Libya, and usually traveled with the ambassador.” The gut-wrenching memories of those long hours wore on Josh, then and now. “We were going to meet up in Rome for a few days of R and R, when he finished the trip to Benghazi.”
“You were going to fly over to see him?” Lilly encouraged.
“No. I was already in the Med. Syria had been heating up, and we’d been sent there for a mission to—” He couldn’t tell her about the rescue of six CIA agents and their families who had been targeted by terrorists. Jack had been team leader of one of those ops. “I had teams close enough to help. Sean had told me they’d requested additional security several times but it had been denied. Fucking politics. The State Department feared it would send the wrong message to the Libyans.”
He sighed, then inhaled a fortifying breath. He’d never told anyone outside the Navy briefing about this next part. “Sean called me while they were under attack.”
His throat squeezed so tight he could barely breathe.
“He begged me to come save him and the ambassador. They were the only two left at that location because they’d sent everyone else to the CIA compound. They were waiting for their caravan so they could leave the city. It never showed. Instead, militia leader Ahmed Abu Khattala and his men attacked.”
Josh closed his eyes to hold in the tears and shame of his failure. “I stormed into the Admiral’s office on the aircraft carrier and demanded to be allowed to send in my teams. He was already on the phone loudly arguing with someone at the Pentagon asking for permission.”
Warm water hit Josh’s shoulder, and he opened his eyes.
Lilly was silently crying, trails of gold reflected in the subdued lamplight. This woman was as beautiful inside as she was outside. She was crying for his pain.
“Fucking politics.” Her words made him chuckle, releasing the pent up tension inside him.
“Yeah. Fucking politics.” Josh pulled Lilly onto his lap, and she threw her arms around his neck.
“I’m so sorry.” She rubbed his back and repeated those three words over and over. He wasn’t sure if she cried for the loss of her brother or his. It didn’t matter. They shared the pain, their naked bodies pressed chest to chest. She stole part of his heart with each tear.
No one had comforted Josh this way during the loss of his brother. The only woman close to him at that time had been Honey, and she’d been a mess, not even consoling her children. Josh had lovingly hugged his niece and nephew as they’d wept in his arms and held their hands as they said a final goodbye to their father at his graveside.
That day had reconfirmed the private oath he’d taken, he would never become a father. He couldn’t put his children through that kind of heart-wrenching pain.
Everything had fallen on Josh from the moment Honey had been notified of Sean's death by the State Department. He’d handled the business of death, and it was business with so many decisions to be made. From the expected question of where to bury his brother, to the unexpected life insurance policies Sean had secretly taken out, naming each child as beneficiary, days before he’d left for his last assignment to the Middle East.
Lilly sniffed and lifted off him to snag a tissue from the night stand. She blew her nose and tossed it aside. In a surprising move, she returned to him and straddled his hips. “So your sister-in-law and her children are now your responsibility?”
Said that way, it sounded like more than he considered it. “Honey isn’t like you,” he tried to explain. “She’s not strong. She doesn’t handle things well.”
“From my point of view, she’s handling you like the father in absentia.” Her tone was accusatory. “You’ve only been here a few days and how many times has she called? Hell, Josh, you’re talking like a divorced father, to the whole family, rather than a doting uncle.”
“Fuck.”
She was right. Honey had all but moved him into their life since the funeral. She called him constantly. She’d needed advice about every little decision, expecting him to take action and help her when the kids were acting out.
But he’d promised Sean to take care of his family. That might be a lifelong commitment but to what extent was he expected to care for them?
Lilly asked with jealous glint in her eye, “Does she casually touch you when you’re together?” She laid a light hand on his forearm.
“No, she’s not—” He stopped, remembering Easter with her and the kids. She’d demanded he sit at the head of the table and carve the ham. But he was a man and that was a man’s place. Right? And yes, she did casually touch him and hug him hello and goodbye. A bit too long sometimes for his comfort.
“Does she get a little close when passing by?” Lilly rubbed her breasts over his chest. He loved the way her nipples got hard and wrinkled as she dragged them through his hair. He was totally distracted by the woman in his lap, and Henrietta was the last thing he wanted to think about. But she pushed on.
“You said you don’t like helpless women, but she certainly gets your attention whenever she calls.” Lilly was right, again. He always answered Honey’s calls immediately.
“Jealous?” He cupped Lilly’s breasts and felt heat pour through the silken sheets that were the only barrier between his dick and her tight channel. He was hard as granite and wanted more of Lilly. He’d think about the situation with Sean’s wife later.
“If you ever call me, I promise to answer on the first ring.” He took a pebbled nipple into his mouth.
“Ring. Ring.” Lilly’s heated smile and the devious look in her eyes matched his need for her.
“What can I do for you, Lilly Girard?” He’d do anything for this amazing woman.
****
By the time Josh and Jack had finished lifting weights, running five miles, and swimming back the same distance, he felt every one of his forty-three years. The fact he did all that on less than three hours sleep, he’d never regret. Lilly had been insatiable last night. He’d given her four orgasms and had three himself. Pretty amazing since they hadn’t gotten started until after two o’clock. Thankfully, he’d sneaked out of her room and into his minutes before Jack knocked all bright-eyed and ready to roll.
They had rinsed the sand off in the outdoor shower and grabbed bottles of water from behind the quad bar before they both jumped into the pool.
While running on the beach that morning, he and Jack had smoothed out the plan they’d created the night before. Neither man liked that the Policía Federal Ministerial had practically taken over the operation, but it was their country.
Ed had pointed out that neither Josh nor Stacie should be anywhere near Cozumel until it was absolutely necessary since Zak had seen them together and she was supposed to be on her way back to the States to care for her ailing father.
As though their presence in the pool was an announcement for children’s playtime, Addi galloped out of the pool house in her bathing suit, water wings affixed to each arm.
“Last one in is a rotten egg!” Preston burst through the quad door from the stairs. “And eggs stink.”
“I don’t stink,” Greyson insisted. “I had a bath last night.”
Boys. Josh smiled. Those two were just like him and Sean when they were kids. They were best friends. Had to be since their father was a Navy officer and they moved every few years. But they always had each other. It had been a good life. Their father had been deployed a lot but he always came home with big hugs for them both.
His father’s face and words came back to him in a flash of memory. He was in his uniform, ready to leave again, hugging them all goodbye. “Don’t leave, Dad. We need you here.” Josh was...maybe eight?
He could hear his father’s words as though he was there, “I do this because I love you so much. Our American way of life is very special, and I want to keep it that way. For you. And your brother. And your children.”
His father had expected him to have children. He was all that was left to carry on the Madden tradition. No way would his nephew make it in the service. Not even in the Air Force.
But Josh didn’t have kids.
Water splashed in his face bringing him back to the two small boys in front of him.
“Throw me in the air, Mr. Josh,” Greyson demanded. Yes. Children were the reason he chose to defend our country. To maintain the freedoms he and Sean had possessed as children.
Lilly walked out of her room and headed to where Mateo and Calita had set out juice. The spandex of Lilly’s yoga outfit fit like a second skin over hips that flared out from a small waist. The matching sports bra held her delicious breasts in place but they still bounced slightly as she walked. Covering all those curves with an abaya would be a crime. Women’s bodies were meant to be appreciated by men.
“Me first.” Preston stood in front of Josh, arms up.
“Let’s move into the deeper water for you, big boy.” Josh backed toward the other end of the pool. Preston wore a pair of faded board shorts, so unlike the meticulously dressed boy he’d come to know. Maybe his pristine ones were in the wash. He grabbed the child’s small frame and threw him easily over his head, a squeal of delight fading into a splash. Josh’s heart warmed as Greyson stepped up. He hoisted the small child and flipped him into the shallower end, away from where Jack gently tossed Addi into the air and caught her before dipping her tiny body into the warm water.
These kids were a lot of fun. And they were good kids, obeying their parents, although sometimes grumpily if they needed naps.
“Thank you, Mr. Josh.” Preston hugged his neck then whispered in his ear. “And thank you again for saving me. You said we can talk, man to man.” The boy clung to Josh’s neck. He could practically feel the child gather his resolve. “Can we talk...later? Like when Mom’s not around?”
The boy tore at his heart. “Sure thing.” He hugged Preston tight to his chest. When the child eased his grip, Josh asked, “You ready to fly?”
Preston leaned back. “High this time. Really high. Please?”
If he could be guaranteed children like these two, he’d consider having some.
Josh stopped cold. He ran a mind check. Did he mean it? Would he really consider having kids?
“My turn.” Greyson reached his skinny arms up toward Josh and gave him a smile showing a missing tooth.
“Lose something, son?” Josh asked and pointed to his own smile.
“Oh, it fell out last night at supper. It’ll grow back.” The shrug the little boy gave him was one he’d seen Jack give a hundred times. “Can you fly me into the deep part? I can swim you know.”
“Come eat, boys,” Lilly called from the outdoor dining area. “You big boys, too. Jack. Josh. Don’t let Mateo’s breakfast get cold.”
The familiar morning chorus of “Yes, ma’am” came as they all made their way to the buffet.
Lilly caught Josh and Jack and pulled them aside, out of earshot of the children. “I think something happened at the wedding yesterday, but Preston won’t talk to me about it. And today he wants me to take him shopping for new clothes. He claims he doesn’t have the right clothes for Mexico. He actually said he wanted more clothes like yours.” She raked her gaze over Jack from head to toe. “Do you own anything other than board shorts and t-shirts with local bar logos?”
“Kid’s got good taste.” Jack smiled at his sister. “Want me to talk to him?”
“Actually, Preston asked to talk to me in private,” Josh stated. “But I don’t know much about kids.”
“I’ll give you back up,” Jack offered and smacked him on the shoulder.
Thank God for Jack.
When the entire family, along with Stacie, were seated, Jack announced, “I have to take the dive boat tour this morning.” He glanced at Josh in confirmation and question, “Anyone want to come with me?”
“I do.” Preston looked at his mother as though asking permission.
“Me, too. Me, too,” Greyson begged.
Lilly glanced between Jack and her boys, then back again. “I don’t know, boys. Jack will be dealing with guests, it’s not like when it’s just family.”
“I know these guys,” Jack reassured her. “They come down a few times every year and their wives are diving with them.” He threw his arm around Jillian’s shoulders. “I wish you didn’t have that last-minute tour at the museum this morning, but I promise we’ll dive again soon.” He placed a kiss on her temple.
“Calita is all set to take care of Addi,” Jillian reassured him. “They want to double check the fitting on my wedding dress with my shoes so I have to go into Cancun anyway.” She smiled up at him and sassed, “You’re going to love my dress.”
Jack’s gaze grew heated as though his whole family and company weren’t sitting right there. “I can’t wait to see you in it on Saturday. Then you’ll be mine. Forever.” He leaned in and kissed his fiancée. Jillian’s hand went up to cup Jack’s cheek and they deepened the kiss.
“Me kiss.” Addi puckered her jelly-smeared lips into a tiny bow. When her mother and soon-to-be-father didn’t respond immediately, she patted Jack on the shoulder. “Me want a kiss, too.”
Yep. If Josh could have children like these, he’d consider it. But with his luck he’d have whiny brats like Honey’s.
“Get a room,” Levi jeered from the other end of the table. “Oh, yeah. You already have one. A whole pool house filled with rooms. Before you start groping each other and giving our nephews a real education, how about finishing breakfast so you can get to that dive boat?”
Jack’s middle finger flew up in Levi’s direction.
Mother Girard sighed. “Will they ever grow up?”
Lilly smiled. “Nope.”
When the lovebirds finally broke the kiss, Josh heard Jack’s whisper, “I love you so much.” He then leaned over to the little girl he would soon adopt legally. Their lips smacked. “I love you, my little princess.”
“Love you, too, Daddy.”
Josh was amazed at how easily his friend said those words. And meant them. Josh had only ever said them to his wife and by comparison to the two across the table from him, Josh wasn’t sure he’d been in love with his ex. He was sure he’d been in lust and loved having a hot woman to come home to after training or a mission.
Then she’d found someone else while he was on a six month deployment that had turned into nearly a year. They’d been separated more than they’d been together during the time they’d been married. Strangely, except for the convenient sex, he’d never really missed her.
“Josh, you going with me today?” Jack asked, then before Josh could answer he added, “We’ll be back in plenty of time for our appointment on Cozumel. It’ll help take your mind off...things.”
Yeah, like the fact that he had no control over the quality of the mission. Just like in the SEALs, he was depending on unreliable intelligence gathered by untrained people he didn’t know. Josh fucking hated this. But he couldn’t do a damn thing about it except take Ed’s calls every hour when the PMI agent checked in. If it hadn’t been for Arturo Mendoza’s promise of cooperation at their meeting the other day, Josh wasn’t sure if Jorge Guzman wouldn’t shove Josh and his team out of the way to garner his government’s praise for capturing an international terrorist. Fucking politics and brown-nosers.
They’d have at least six hours to kill. Josh shrugged. “Sure. I’ll go down anytime.”
Lilly almost spit out her juice. “Sorry,” she choked out. “Something went down the wrong pipe.” Her cheeks reddened, and she continued to cough. “That didn’t come out right.” She coughed some more.
“Stop while you’re ahead, sis.” Levi suggested then bit off a chuckle. “See, you’ve got me doing it.”
“Mommy.” A wide-eyed Greyson patted his mother on the back. “Are you going to be okay?”
“Yes.” She sucked in a breath. “I’ll be fine.” She sipped her juice.
“Good. Then can we go on the dive boat with Uncle Jack?”
“Come with us, Lilly,” Josh encouraged. Quietly he added in that commanding voice she responded to so well in the bedroom, “Dive with me. Let me show you my favorite world. I’ll be right there at your side.”
“Fine.” Her gaze swept the table. “I’ll go, but I won’t dive. I’ll take the boys snorkeling.”
The boys wiggled their butts in their chairs and waved their hands in the air while whooping with joy.
In a non-verbal conversation with Jack, he and Josh agreed Lilly’s gear would go on the boat.
“Do you have room for me?” Stacie asked. “I’m available and a certified instructor, just in case you need a second dive master.”
“Absolutely, Stacie. And I'll be glad to have you aboard.” Jack’s double meaning wasn’t evident to his family but Josh caught it. She smiled and nodded.
Josh finished his breakfast, wiped his mouth with the pretty cotton napkin, and laid it next to his empty plate. “How about I help you prep the boat?”
“Thanks. It’ll go twice as fast.” Jack gave both Jillian and Addi a kiss then stood. “Ready?”
Preston shoved the last of his waffle into his mouth and talked around it. “Can I go with them, Mom?”
Lilly looked at her boy with raised eyebrows. “Don’t you think you should have asked your Uncle Jack first?”
His pleading eyes asked the question before Preston could swallow.
Jack threw his arm around his nephew. “Come on. It’s about time you learned the hard work to boating. It’s not all jump in and go.”
“We’re going to do a man’s work, Mom.” Preston peered over his shoulder. “But will you bring my mask? And snorkel? And a towel?” He added, “Please?”
“Give me a second to grab my gear.” Josh needed to retrieve his dive gear, but it was the gun he wanted to be sure to slip into his bag. And his knives.
“Preston, real men take care of their own gear. Go get yours.” Jack instructed, releasing the boy. “We’ll meet back here in five minutes.”
Josh was ready and waiting in two. He saw Lilly open the blackout drapes to her room and couldn’t have stopped his feet from heading her way if a gun had been pointed at his head. “I’m glad you’re going with us this morning.”
“I rolled over, and you were gone.” She stepped close to him and slid her hands up his forearms, and over his biceps and shoulders before she pulled his face to hers. “Where’s my good morning kiss?”
He dropped his lips to hers and kissed her sweetly. “I want you to dive with me today.”