The look in his eyes nearly kills me. He looks like I killed his puppy. How this man, who could have any woman he wanted was interested in me, I would never know. He has everything going for him. He’s beyond good looking. Every woman who sees him can’t help but stop and stare to then fantasize about him until the end of their days. It’s not only his looks that make everyone gravitate to him, but also how sweet and caring he is. A calming essence about him.
Tonight, I saw in his eyes that this wasn’t a fling to him. He didn’t only want sex and that scared me.
There are so many reasons for me not to get involved with Tyson Jacobs. First, I’m sure I’m ready for more, even after being alone for over a year. Second is the age difference. What would others think when or if they found out about us? Third, we work together. And fourth, what would happen to my heart when Tyson decides he’s tired of me, or when a younger, prettier girl comes around that’s interested and catches his eye? Let’s not forget that he’s also an escort. How can I be with a man when he’s with other women? Simple. I can’t.
With all the reasons not to start anything more with Tyson, there’s a very good reason for me to see where this could go. For the first time in forever, I feel alive. I feel wanted and desirable. Something that had been missing in my marriage without me knowing it.
My only problem is opening up to this gorgeous man who has heartbreak written all over him. Do I put myself out there or keep to myself and my fears?
Sensing his uneasiness, I turn in my seat and produce a small smile. I’m unsure if I pull off its authenticity when Tyson’s only response is the down turn to his full kissable lips.
“I’m sorry I made this weird. It was never my intention. After my failed marriage, I’ve learned that I need to follow my instincts, but with you I’m conflicted.”
He nods, and I direct him the rest of the way to my house without explaining anymore of what’s going on with internal struggle.
My house isn’t much to look at from the outside, but the inside is where it shines. Over the past nine months, I’ve remodeled a few rooms of my small house. I still have a lot to do, but I love each room that has been renovated. After moving out of the house Gerald and I had shared for the entirety of our marriage, I didn’t want a big house. There was no need. I had no children and likely never would being almost forty-years-old and starting over.
Parking his SUV in my drive, Tyson sits unmoving, looking straight ahead. I know I need to explain. It’s now or never. If I don’t it’s likely Tyson will drive away and never look back.
Unbuckling first my seatbelt and then his, I pry his right hand from the steering wheel, and hold it in mine. “Can we go inside and talk? I know I said I’d tell you while you drove, but this is harder than I thought it would be.”
“If it’s so difficult for you, then maybe I should go home.” He pulls his hand from mine and moves to put the SUV into reverse.
“What if I don’t want you to go home?” I confess with barely more than a whisper.
Even in the dim light from the street light, I see his Adam’s apple bob. Is he nervous too?
“You’ve got to give me something, Sadie. I’ve been going out of my mind over here wondering what the hell happened,” he chokes out.
“I will. I promise, but first let’s go inside. I want to be able to see you clearly when I talk to you.”
“Fine, but I reserve the right to leave if you don’t start talking.”
“Fair enough, but I promise I’ll tell you what’s going on.”
We silently climb out and up to my front door. I don’t like the tension that’s now between us, and I hate that I’m the one who put it there.
Stepping inside, I turn on a lamp on the side table, casting the room in a warm glow. I watch as Tyson takes in my home for the first time. The walls are painted two shades of grey, alternating on the walls of the room. The fireplace mantel along with my bookshelves are white and cover one wall. My couch is dark grey with big pillows that make it comfortable and relaxing. Two chairs flank the couch in a dark, purple velvet. It’s one of my favorite spots in the house to sit, read, and relax.
I sit on the couch and continue to watch. With Tyson in my living room it now seems small with his large body occupying the space, but I like the way he looks here.
“I was scared I wasn’t ready for more. Whatever this is, but now…”
“You’re not now?” he interrupts.
Shaking my head, I answer him. “No, when we were driving, I realized I didn’t want you to walk away tonight.”
Tyson sighs and sits down on the other side of the couch facing me. “What happened tonight, Sadie? If you would,” he sighs again, scrubbing a hand down his face. “Just talk to me, okay? I want to understand.”
“First, I want to start by saying I’m sorry for being late tonight. My mother called asking for money. Saying it was an emergency. But it’s always an emergency with her. Luckily, she doesn’t know my new address. She’s already hit up Gerald’s place hoping to find me there. As if I’d be there when he’s got some boy toy flouncing around in all his naked glory.” I shake my head, remembering the time I went back to get a box I’d forgotten out of the office and caught what’s his name on his knees in front of my then soon to-be ex-husband. “Don’t need that visual in my head again, anytime soon, or ever.”
Tyson smiles and relaxes into the cushions. “So, your ex is gay?”
“Yeah,” I rest my head on the back of the couch and roll it toward him. “I feel stupid for not realizing it until I caught him in the act.” I try to smile, but know I fail. “I should have realized when any sex we did have was from behind with him not being able to look at me.”
“Ouch,” he grimaces. “I’ve got to say sex from behind can be spectacular, but…” he pauses as his eyes regard me. “I promise to always look you in the eyes.”
At least he made it seem like there would be a next time.
“I sense there’s more to tonight. Something’s holding you back. Am I right?”
“So many things,” I admit without looking at him.
When I do get the courage, Tyson’s eyes regard me sadly.
“You make me feel beautiful, desirable, and wanted in ways that I’ve never felt before. Most importantly, you make me feel alive. I’m happy for the first time in… forever. Truly happy and all that has to mean something. Right?”
He clears his throat, but still doesn’t look happy. “I’d like to think so. What’s holding you back?” he swallows. “What’s wrong with me?”
“Oh, Tyson,” I scramble onto his lap and cup his cheeks in my hands as I look down at him. “There’s nothing wrong with you. How can you think that?”
His light green eyes shutter. “You don’t want me.”
“I want you,” I lightly kiss his full pouty lips. “That’s not the problem.”
“What is?” he implores me.
“The fact that everyone wants you and once you get tired of me, you’ll find someone much younger and prettier.”
“Age is only a number. Don’t give it power over you. Over us.”
“I know, but,” I let out a deep sigh. “This is all new to me. I’m not used to being a cougar. If it was the other way around, I probably wouldn’t care.”
“A cougar? Is that what you think you are?” he asks on a laugh.
“I’m the definition of a cougar, Tyson,” I cry out. “There’s a fourteen-year age difference.”
His hand rubs up and down my back in a soothing motion. “I know, but like I said don’t give the number power. From the moment I saw you in the halls at work, I’ve been attracted to you. I don’t care how old either of us are.”
“It’s easy for you to say because no one’s going to think badly about you for being with me,” I huff.
His brows furrow. “Who’s going to think because you’re fucking me you’re a bad person?”
“Is that all this is? Fucking?”
“I don’t know, Sadie. You tell me. I want more,” his jaw ticks. “But you’re the one holding back.”
“I have reasons,” I sigh, resting my head on his shoulder.
“You have reasons, but what do you feel right now, right here, wrapped in my arms?”
“Safe, treasured, beautiful.” And so much more I don’t want to admit.
“All good things, so why are you holding back?”
Tears sting the back of my eyes, and I choke out my confession. “I don’t want you to break me. I already feel too much.”
“Hey,” he says, pulling back to look at me. “I don’t want to break you either. That’s not the plan.” Looking up at the ceiling, he mutters. “If you only knew.”
“Then tell me. Maybe it will help.”
“Or it will hurt my chances, and you’ll run far, far away,” he says, continuing to speak to the ceiling.
What could he possibly say that he thinks will make me run away?
Does he want a dozen babies?
Is he wanted by the law?
“Well, I’d like you to share, but I understand. It was hard for me to open up, and I won’t push you. I haven’t even told you everything.”
Tyson perks up. He sits up, his hands gripping my hips. “What else is there?”
“We work in the same building, and if you continue on, you’ll be working under me on some projects. Well, I’ll oversee your boss, but I’ll get the final say in who’s campaign we use and if I choose you, then it could be seen as favoritism.”
He blows out a breath. “I hadn’t thought about that.”
“I have and there are options, but if we’re only fucking, then there’s no need for me to put into motion something that could possibly discredit me.”
“I don’t want that, and stop saying that we’re only fucking, okay?” he growls, setting me down on the couch to stand and pace the room. “We’re doing more than fucking. At least, I am. That’s why we’re having this discussion.” Tyson stops with his hands on his hips. “Is there anything else?”
“One more,” I bite my bottom lip not wanting to say, knowing it’s a deal breaker.
“Fuck,” he says defeated and sits back down, hanging his head. “It’s that bad?”
“I’ve only been with one other man before you, and look how that turned out. He’s gay,” I laugh out bitterly. “It may be the way things are done now, but I don’t want to share. I’m monogamous to a fault. Even though I was separated and filed for divorce, I stayed true to my vows and stayed faithful, unlike Gerald.” Taking in a deep breath, I try to gather myself before letting it out. “I don’t know the reasons why you’re an escort, but that’s a hard limit for me.”
“A hard limit, huh?” he smiles, and I want to melt, but then remember all the women he has probably fucked since our first night together.
“It’s non-negotiable,” I state, knowing I’ve just ended things.
“I guess it’s a good thing I quit.” He smirks back at me.
Did I hear that correctly?
“What?” I know my mouth is hanging open, but really, what?
Tyson chuckles while pulling me back onto his lap. His eyes light up along with his smile.
“Let me preface this by saying nine out of ten dates were non-physical, but I knew that I couldn’t be with another woman after our night together. I was notified of a date that I was less than excited about and knew what I had to do. Quit.”
“Really?” I can’t help but question him again because I never thought he’d quit let alone because of me.
“Really.” He plants a slow and delicious kiss to my lips. “Now, why don’t you show me to your bathroom where we can take that bath we were planning.”
Sliding off his lap, I stand. “Follow me.”