jake

Ellie is lying on her back with her eyes closed. She spins past me on the roundabout and I take off after her, holding the metal edge and running as hard as I can to keep up. I dodge the bag of rubbish someone’s left on the ground.

‘Faster,’ she yells with a laugh in her voice.

‘I can’t,’ I say, letting go before I take off with the roundabout.

‘Then jump on!’

Without thinking I fling myself onto the metal cage, and hit my shin hard on the bar. I manage not to swear as I rub the spot. She opens one eye and pats the metal next to her. I shuffle over, and lie down, my elbow bumping hers, making my heart race. Too close. She’s too close.

‘Shut your eyes if you don’t want to feel dizzy,’ she says.

Instead I keep them wide open, staring up into the dusty sky, terrified of what will happen if I shut them. My body is so rigid, so tense, so frightened to move in case more of me touches her. We turn and we turn and we turn, slowing on each rotation, just like a gigantic spinning top in Mr Cap’s science class. Looking up we could be anywhere. It’s just when I look across at the park that sags under the weight of nobody ever cleaning it or doing any maintenance that I know exactly where I am.

I think about everything that’s happened. Too many things. I can’t keep them straight in my head. We keep spinning. Just. I don’t know what will happen when we come to a complete stop. Will she leave?

The light is dimming. It’s that strange time of night when I never feel settled.

‘So it’s just you and your mum?’

‘Yeah.’

‘Alex said your dad wasn’t around. Where is he?’

I breathe. I sneak a peek. Her eyes are still closed. Her face calm.

‘In jail,’ I say quietly, and wait for the reaction.

‘Oh,’ she says finally but still doesn’t open her eyes, and I wonder what she’s thinking. ‘Alex never told me that.’

I don’t know what to say now, how to skip to another subject that’s easier for us. One that doesn’t include Alex, but can be just ours. My head races through the possibilities. School. Home. But it’s all stained by Alex. He was there first.

‘What did your dad do?’ she says as she fits an elastic band around the tiniest bunch of hair without opening her eyes.

I don’t want to talk about this. Not to her. Not to anyone. I don’t even talk about it with myself. I’m quiet for the longest time and so is she. I know she’s waiting for me to tell her. If she was like everyone else she would have spewed out an apology and moved on. But Ellie isn’t like anyone else.

She pulls out her hair elastic and flattens the little bundle. I want to fix the strand that is sticking up, but my fingers are frozen to their metal bed.

‘He did some bad stuff,’ I say, causing her hands to stop moving.

‘Oh.’

‘Yep.’

‘Do you see him?’

‘No. He’s in Queensland. But I didn’t see him much before. He’d already left us.’ I try to never talk about my father. When it first happened, when he went away, I told Alex because I had to. But I don’t like thinking about it now.

‘When does he get out?’

I shrug. ‘I don’t know. We don’t have any contact.’

‘Are you angry about it?’

‘No. But I worry …’

She jumps on my words. ‘What? That you’ll end up like him?’

I wasn’t going to say that. I was going to say that I worry about my mum, but now that Ellie’s said it, I realise that’s exactly what I’m worried about. That no matter what I do, his badness is in my genes, and I can’t outrun it anymore. I don’t answer her.

‘Wow, that’s pretty honest.’

Her fingers touch my arm and I shudder.

‘Not really,’ I say, wishing we could change the subject.

‘You aren’t going to end up like your dad. No way.’

I feel a rush of energy in my body. If only she knew that I already am.

‘Your mum’s done a good job then, on her own,’ she says quietly, as she turns slowly onto her side and opens her eyes, just as I look at her. My face floods with heat and I look away.

‘Come back to school, Jake,’ she says. ‘Please. It’s boring without you around pinching my food. Lucas and Tien are no substitute. I need my friend back.’

Friend. I force a small smile in the dark. I don’t want to be friends. ‘I haven’t left. Not officially. Not yet anyway.’

‘So come back. You could catch up. I could help you,’ she says softly, making me hope that she really cares.

It’s so possible. I could go back. Finish the year. Make Mum happy. I could.

‘Have you seen the psych yet?’

‘How do you know about that?’

She shrugs. ‘You know. Things get around.’

‘Tomorrow. I don’t want to, but Mum’s making me.’

‘Well, I bet she wouldn’t make you if you came back to school. Started doing all your homework and proving you were serious about it. Please?’

I start to nod without thinking about what I’m doing. Ellie squeals and then grabs me. It’s awkward because I’m lying on my back and she’s on her side and I can feel her body and I reach to grab her back and then she starts to pull away, but by then my mouth is near hers and I’m kissing her.

And it’s beautiful.

Her lips are wet and soft and sweet and her mouth tastes like chips and salt and I can feel her tongue and it’s everything I knew it would be. And then just as quickly, she’s gone. The kiss is done. Over. Finished. And she’s sitting up and I don’t know what just went wrong.

I can’t look at her. The moment’s gone.

‘Jake …’ she says, one word hanging in the night. And she doesn’t need to say anything else. She doesn’t need to explain that Alex came first. That Alex is here, between us, unseen but looming. I know it too.

‘Jake …’ she says again, and this time her fingertips brush my bare arm and I’m looking at her and she’s looking away.

‘Yeah.’

‘Is this about you and Alex? You trying to get back at him?’ Her voice is so soft it’s like I imagined it.

‘No,’ I say, horrified she’d think that of me.

‘But we’re friends. You know that,’ she says, turning back to me and biting her lip.

I nod, feeling stupid. ‘Yeah. Course.’

‘I’m sorry,’ she says, like I’m the mistake, like I’m the apology that has to come.

I shrug like it doesn’t matter. But inside I ache. ‘Okay.’

She slaps her knee and says, ‘Bloody mozzies. They’re eating me alive. They always do.’

But the air is clear of mozzies. The air is warm and sweet and still. And ruined.

‘I’d better get home,’ she says, trying to delicately climb from the roundabout as it sways with her weight.

‘See you at school tomorrow, Jake. Okay?’

She jumps clear and I watch her back away from me.

‘Yeah. Okay,’ I say, knowing it’s just one more big, fat lie. Then it’s almost as if she reads my mind, because she stops in the darkness, just far enough away so I can’t reach her.

‘Don’t bullshit me, Jake. Are you going to be at school or not?’

‘Yeah,’ I say in the loudest, fakest voice I can manage.

I don’t want to be here. But Mum has left me no choice. She drove me here, to this practice in the suburbs, and then said she’d come in with me unless I walked myself in through the glass doors. She’s so set on me going back to school.

There are others waiting in the room. Some have parents sitting too close, fussing over them. One is pretending to sleep. I walk to the counter and wait for the receptionist to get off the phone. Her voice is too high and her nails make a clicking sound as her fingers pound across the keyboard. I can see the top of her head where the hair dye has started to grow out. She hangs up and takes her time staring at the computer screen before pulling an indifferent smile. ‘Yes?’

‘I’ve got an appointment with Dr Michaels.’

‘First time here?’

‘Yeah.’ And hopefully last.

‘You have to fill this in,’ she says, sliding a clipboard across the bench to me.

‘Thanks.’

I take the clipboard and her black pen and find a seat on the outer circle of the waiting room. Some kid is curled up in the corner and his mum is patting his head with one hand and texting with the other. I tick boxes and scribble answers doubting that anyone actually reads these forms. Then I take the board back to the desk.

‘Won’t be long,’ she mouths to me, while also listening to someone on the phone.

I nod and go back to my seat. As soon as I sit down a boy looks over at me. He’s in a school uniform, complete with fancy blazer and tie. His forehead is covered in a strange sort of rash and he reaches up to try and brush his hair down over it. He does a half smile and then looks away. I pull out my phone and scroll through messages, wishing I could text Alex and know he’d text me back. But we’re so far from that now. And after everything that happened with Ellie I know I can’t message her either.

‘Jake Reynolds,’ I hear a man say. I look up and see a middle-aged guy with glasses scanning the room. It’s so tempting to stay in my seat and pretend it’s not me.

I let him call my name out again before slowly standing and shuffling over to him. He nods at me, and then starts to walk away, so I follow. We weave down a long corridor with lots of little rooms off to each side. There must be a lot of kids needing a lot of help if all the closed doors mean someone is in a psych session.

‘Just in here,’ he says, opening a door to a room about the size of my bedroom. In the corner is a box of toys and a small wooden table with pens and pencils on it. I hope they’re not for me.

‘Take a seat, Jake,’ he says, pointing to a proper chair.

‘I thought you were going to put me over there,’ I say, laughing.

‘No. You’re a bit big for that,’ he says without any humour.

I sit down opposite him, my stomach full of nerves, and my pits clogged with sweat.

‘I’m Matthew,’ he says, looking at me intently. His eyes are dark chocolate brown, like Alex’s. ‘Just to get a few things cleared before we start, these sessions are confidential, unless I feel that you’re a danger to yourself or others. I want you to feel like you can tell me anything. Okay?’

I want to laugh and shout, I’m a teenager, dickhead. We don’t talk about stuff to strangers, okay? Instead, I nod.

‘So you’ve been dodging school.’

‘Yeah.’

‘Can you tell me why?’

I shrug.

‘From what your principal said, you’ve been a good student. Why the change?’

I shrug again and look around the room to try and find a clock. I want to know how many minutes I have left.

‘Are you bored?’

I shrug. And this time he scribbles something on a pad.

‘Do you intend to go back to school, Jake?’

‘Dunno.’

‘Thing is, it won’t be your choice for much longer. They’ll expel you.’

Even though I know it’s true, his words hit me in the gut so hard I can barely breathe.

‘Do you want to be expelled?’

‘Oh yeah, it’s my dream,’ I say, because I can’t stand how stupid this all is.

‘Let’s try to limit the sarcasm.’

‘Yeah. Why don’t we?’ I look back at him, chopping his face into pieces with my eyes. How did I get to this?

‘If you don’t want to talk to me, Jake, then there really is no point to you being here.’

‘Agreed,’ I say, hating myself for sounding like this.

‘Okay, well, we’re done. Thanks for coming in.’

He stands up. He actually stands up like he’s going to walk me to the door. I refuse to move. He knows he has me trapped. I’ve got nowhere to go.

‘I can’t help you, Jake, if you won’t talk.’

But I can’t talk to him. And the only person I can talk to doesn’t want to talk to me. I feel like I’m going to throw up. Everything’s surging through me. I stand up so quickly the chair tips backwards and hits the ground.

‘You’re right. You can’t help me.’

I’m out of there before he’s even made it around the desk. I don’t care anymore. There’s no point to any of this. There’s no Alex. There’s no Ellie. There’s no hope.