jake

I have a new plan. This week is my ‘trying to forget’ week. This is my normal day. Where I’m just a kid at school learning about oxygen and barium and buying a day-old pie for lunch. I’ve even had a shower. And so far, so good. The two morning classes sped by without me feeling too far behind and now I’ve got a lunch meeting with Mr Cap. I’m hoping it means I’ve been accepted into the science program over the summer break that he told me to apply for. I’m glad Mum made me come to school today because it feels like it could be a good day after all. Ellie’s agreed to hang out and study together, so it’s looking up already.

As I walk out of the cafeteria, I see Lucas and Tien watching something on a laptop. They’re huddled together so tightly their heads are touching. I can’t help it. I walk over.

‘Howdy,’ I say. I get a half smile from one and nothing from the other. So I sit down really close to them and try to see what they’re looking at.

But Lucas slams the screen of his laptop shut and glares at me. ‘Haven’t seen you in a while,’ he says.

I frown. I don’t understand what I’ve done. ‘I’ve been sick.’

‘Not what I heard. Heard you were wagging. Heard you’re this close,’ he holds his fingers together, ‘to being thrown out.’

I roll my eyes. ‘As if.’

Tien leans towards me. ‘I heard you were hanging out in the city trying to glimpse Alex in his fancy uniform.’

This time I laugh and they loosen up a bit too. ‘I heard I was in jail,’ I say dryly.

Lucas fixes me with a stare that he uses when he’s trying to work out who your current crush is. He’s been using it since year seven and it’s pretty pathetic. I glare back and he gives up and looks away.

‘So I need to know what I’ve missed. Can I read your notes for maths?’

Tien sighs like it’s all a drag. ‘Yeah. I guess. But stop cutting classes. I have no one to compete with in science if you aren’t around.’

‘Okay. Deal,’ I say, holding out my hand to shake Tien’s. ‘You going to show me what you’re watching now?’

Lucas smiles and opens his laptop. He hits a button and a flash of bodies appears on the screen. Porn? I look closer, realising it’s two bulked-up men in skimpy satin costumes.

‘Wrestling?’ I say incredulously.

They both laugh like it’s the funniest thing in the world. If only Alex was still here. I’d have someone to save me from this crap.

‘I’ve got a meeting with Mr Cap. I’ll see you clowns later.’

I can hear them yelling at the screen as I walk away.

The science lab is in the new part of the school built a few years ago. It’s clean and white and impressive. Most of the other classes are in rooms in the old red brick building that has a smell no amount of cleaning products will ever remove. The science lab is my favourite part of our school. And Mr Cap is my favourite teacher. He’s taught me science for the last two years and I think it’s because of him I love science so much. He’s not interested in small talk or working out why you’re in a bad mood one day. He’s not one of those teachers who intrude in the name of wellbeing. He just teaches you stuff.

The first class I had with him he asked if anyone knew any scientific principles that we thought would stand up to rigorous testing. Everyone was looking at their books, shuffling papers, and trying not to catch his eye. Normally I wouldn’t be the first to speak in a class, but that day, I think I had something to prove and I put my hand up. I told him I thought the law of cause and effect was a pretty robust principle. Alex had nudged me with his elbow, impressed.

Mr Cap smiled. Apparently my answer had just proven why science was so important. He went on to explain that some scientists do indeed believe that whatever you send into the universe comes back, and that every cause has its effect; and every effect, its cause. But that particular principle leaves no room for a thing called chance. And there is every possibility that the evolution of the planet was just one big magnificent accident.

Mr Cap then wrote on the whiteboard in a red marker: ‘It is impossible to establish complete causality. That nobody can guarantee the particular manipulation of a variable is the sole reason for the perceived outcome.’

There were sighs around the classroom, like science had just gotten hard. But Mr Cap didn’t seem to notice.

My ears went red first. I felt stupid. Like the only time I put myself out there, I got it wrong. But instead of trying to humiliate me, Mr Cap explained how impressed he was that I’d know any of this at all. He said if we all came here to learn each week and left our prior beliefs at the door, we’d all make great scientists one day, because we’d be able to prove things for ourselves. That’s what science was. The chance to test out a theory and find a definitive answer. Alex walked out of the class underwhelmed, but I was sold from that very moment.

I can see Mr Cap through the window. He’s reading at one of the desks and I knock lightly on the door. He takes ages to look up, but when he does he gets up straightaway and walks over to unlock the door.

‘Jake,’ he says, like he hasn’t seen me in a really long time.

‘Hey, Mr Cap,’ I say, heading to the desk where he’s sitting and feeling like I belong here.

‘How are you?’

Sitting down, I go to answer, but stop myself. I can’t just lie to Mr Cap. It’s not right. ‘I’m okay. You know.’

‘I don’t know, but I can make an educated guess,’ he says with a smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes. ‘Is there anything wrong?’

I shuffle my feet, and lean back in my chair, wanting some space from the conversation. I wonder what Mr Cap’s take on cause and effect would be if I told him what we did. Would he revise his scientific theory?

‘Nah,’ I say finally.

He nods. ‘Well, I wanted to see you, Jake.’

‘Is it about the science program?’

He nods slowly and my stomach shifts. This is what I need. Something to look forward to.

‘Unfortunately, due to your poor attendance lately, the principal’s decided to send someone else.’

‘What?’

‘I’m sorry, Jake. You’re the best student here but you’ve missed days of school. And without any real explanation.’

‘Not that many days,’ I say, my mind running backwards trying to count them all.

‘Thirteen actually. That’s almost three weeks and we’re only in week six of term.’

I can feel my face growing hot and the blush starting to spread.

‘But I won’t miss another day. I promise. I’m here today.’

He nods and I see the bald spot on the top of his head and for some reason it really disappoints me.

‘It wasn’t my decision to make.’

‘This sucks,’ I say, feeling like my body is about to explode.

‘I know. But there’s always next year. And there’s the science prize. It’s not done, Jake. This isn’t everything.’

But it is, Mr Cap. Don’t you get it? This is everything.

‘I’ve got class,’ I say, getting up and making the stool leg drag along the floor like I know Mr Cap hates.

I make it to the door before my eyes flood with tears.

‘I’ll see you this afternoon, Jake. We’re doing prac.’

Not me, Mr Cap. I’m going to the skate park. I let the door slam behind me as I wipe the bottom of my t-shirt across my face, removing any sign of emotion. The corridor is almost empty because everyone is outside having lunch. I make it to my locker without seeing anyone I know. I leave all my schoolbooks and just grab my empty backpack. I’m not planning on coming back for a while.

‘Boo,’ says a voice behind my locker.

I know from the striped socks and the red Converse that it’s Ellie. Not even the thought of talking to her makes me want to stay.

‘I got you the last pie. You owe me five bucks,’ she says.

I sling my backpack over my shoulder as she closes the locker door and hands me a paper bag that feels a bit damp because it’s so hot.

‘Hey, you okay?’ she says, inspecting my face.

‘Yeah. Headache.’

‘Thought we were going to study?’

‘I’m going home.’

‘No you’re not. You’re going to fail if you keep this up. Come on. Let’s go study. We’ve got a free period next. Then it’s prac. Your favourite.’

The pie bag is starting to burn my hand. I slide the pie out and bite the stiff-edged pastry. Ellie leans forward and takes a bite too and grins at me. ‘Okay, you only owe me $2.50 if we share.’

‘Here. You have it. I’m not hungry anyway,’ I say, handing her the bag. ‘I’m going.’

I manage four or five steps before she yells after me, ‘I bought you a pie! And you’re leaving? Not cool, Jake. Not cool at all.’

Yep. Don’t I know it.