Phil Graham changed his son’s clothes for the second time in less than an hour. He desperately wanted their son to look his best, but a tooth was coming through and the constant dribbling had yet again soaked the front of his T-shirt.
‘Here you are, Sam, the top with the giraffe on – Mummy loves this one.’ He almost lost it then and swallowed back the tears. Phil promised himself at the very beginning of this nightmare he’d be strong for both Sam and Ellie, so the tears would have to wait until he was alone. He couldn’t stop the flow then, when climbing into the big empty bed, missing Ellie’s warm presence beside him – it was almost too much to bear. But during the day his son kept him occupied and gave him focus.
Sam was too young to understand what was happening but, with the resilience children so often display, he adapted, in many ways oblivious to the changes they were living with and the reality of his mother being cruelly absent from his life. Phil worked hard to keep his baby son happy, and as for himself, he tried not to dwell on the future.
After Ellie’s accident, when it was touch and go whether she would survive, Phil hit rock bottom. Four of the most agonising weeks of his life followed with the awful uncertainty which accompanied each day. Then came the wonderful news she’d woken from the coma and spoken to Grace. But the excitement of taking Sam to see her was soon shattered, as Phil was plunged into the depths of despair once again when it became apparent his wife didn’t know him. Ellie didn’t recognise him or their son – a shock and unexpected complication which was so hard to bear – soul-destroying to say the least. It hadn’t occurred to him that this might happen, but Phil’s wife, his beautiful Ellie whom he loved so much, stiffened when he kissed her and looked at him with such horror that yet again his life appeared to be collapsing around him. He felt sidelined, forced to simply watch like an outsider and powerless to control what was happening to his family, his universe. Later, once Sam was asleep, Phil sobbed like a baby himself.
Mr Samms, although an excellent and understanding doctor in whom they all had complete confidence, couldn’t predict how long it would take for Ellie’s memory to return. It seemed for all his years of medical training and experience, the neurologist was no wiser than Phil in this matter and, hard though it was to accept, he couldn’t rule out the possibility she might never recover her memory. To Phil, this was unthinkable. What if his wife never remembered him or their baby? Their marriage? The happy times they’d shared? How could he go on without her by his side, and how would it affect Sam in the long term to have a mother who couldn’t remember him? Necessity forced Phil to push such thoughts to the dusty corners of his mind. Yet, they refused to remain there, haunting him in his weaker moments at night when he felt so alone, and when Sam cried and he felt inadequate to meet his son’s needs without Ellie there to share the responsibility.
Phil was aware he would never have coped without the brilliant support of Grace and Derek. They were his rock during those horrendous weeks of uncertainty, even though they too were feeling as low as he was. Phil’s parents lived in Spain, where they’d retired six years previously, and due to his father’s failing health, were unable to return to England to offer any support. Keeping them in the loop about Ellie’s progress became yet another duty to take on board, and he had yet to break the news to them about her amnesia.
At work, Phil’s boss showed remarkable understanding and generosity, insisting he take extended leave for as long as necessary, and in return, Phil tried to work from home whenever Sam was asleep. Any work he could do remotely also helped to occupy his mind in those lonely, late hours and keep him sane. But he was aware his boss’s generosity couldn’t last forever, and he would need to return to some version of normality soon.
Now Ellie was awake, Phil wrestled with the immediate future and the next step to take. Without anticipating a complication such as amnesia, he’d assumed his wife would simply return home, and they’d pick up the threads of their life once more. But typically, fate threw up other notions, painful, unfair factors which railing against couldn’t alter. While Ellie didn’t remember Phil or their baby, the nightmare rolled on, but for how long? No one could provide answers, and it was so hard to keep hope alive when there seemed to be no end in sight.
Phil’s biggest, yet so far unspoken fear, was that Ellie was somehow blocking the last ten years from her memory because she’d been unhappy with their life together. The idea was abhorrent, but one he couldn’t shake off. As a couple, they appeared to have it all; a beautiful home, financial stability and Sam, who was very much a wanted baby. They’d been so happy when he was born, or at least Phil had been; did he really know Ellie’s true feelings, her innermost thoughts? Was it even possible for one human being to know another so completely?
Phil constantly wrestled with his fears and insecurities – how could his wife not remember their wedding, the wonderful honeymoon they’d shared, the birth of their child? Could she subconsciously no longer want to be a wife and mother? These insidious thoughts constantly buzzed around his brain, yet Phil didn’t dare to voice them, even to himself.
Sam’s wet fist on his father’s face reminded him it was time to set off for the hospital, and he picked up his chuckling son, almost envious of the child’s oblivion to their predicament. If only Phil could close his eyes and wake up to his normal, wonderful world – if only Ellie had taken the car that fateful afternoon instead of deciding to take her bike. If only were two words Phil was beginning to loathe with a passion.