One
Sources of Misinformation
When Miss Manners assumed the quixotic task of civilizing society, fake etiquette was not a problem. That was because etiquette itself was not supposed to be a part of modern society. The prevailing thought was that we would all love one another, which would be achieved by hugging everything in sight, consenting or not, and voicing everything, presentable or not, that might be on our little minds and souls.
This was not working. So she put forth a radically different system by which we would all restrain ourselves just enough to keep life from being unpleasant.
No one could have been more surprised than Miss Manners when people started listening. Not necessarily behaving better, mind you, but at least listening. And soon etiquette and its public manifestation, civility, became part of the national conversation. Politicians won elections by calling for it, although not by practicing it, because that was considered a sign of weakness.
Miss Manners began to sniff success. Prematurely, as it turned out. Legitimate etiquette rules were still being neglected while people were actually obeying false rules. What had happened was that persistent forms of rude behavior—such as trying to squeeze money out of one’s social circle—were fraudulently passed off as traditions and enshrined as “expected.” (Well, you can expect anything.) Industries cashed in by claiming that etiquette requires expenditures that are apt to be both useless and vulgar. Some taught bad manners, making it a requirement to shout “Hey!” to get a device’s attention, and to give it orders without the softening addition of “please” and “thank you.”
Who is responsible for purveying this fake etiquette? (Not Miss Manners.)
From a Jolly Source
Santa Claus has a lot to answer for. If it was oh-so-cute to encourage little children to tell him their material wishes within the hearing of their parents, it is not so cute that solvent adults have now eliminated him as the middleman and beg from everyone they can reach.
Santa’s chief employer, the department store, had been keeping track of bridal couples’ silver and china patterns for the benefit of their guests who happened to ask. Stores, online and off, now have vast gift registries, but technology has also inspired everybody who wants anything without paying for it, for whatever reason or occasion, to distribute itemized wish lists to relatives, friends, guests, colleagues, acquaintances, and strangers.
• • •
Dear Miss Manners—My best friend emailed this Christmas wish list on behalf of her 12-year-old daughter to her friends (no family members):
“Greetings all: Zoe has asked me to email you her Christmas list. We’re going to my parents’/grandmother’s for Christmas, so if you need the address to ship anything there, please let me know.”
The list included a particular laptop, TV & DVD player, money/credit gift card, certain video games, a new bike (“she outgrew her old one”), gift cards (naming stores), a tablet, and so on. Then, “Look forward to talking to you all soon.”
Am I wrong for feeling accosted? I wouldn’t have minded a wish list that was actually reasonable, but my friend constantly makes remarks like, “You don’t have any children, so you should have plenty of disposable income.”
Gentle Reader—Once you acknowledged that you wouldn’t have minded a modest list, Miss Manners notes that you have conceded that this family can help you dispose of your disposable income. So you are just haggling over the price.
If such is the case, you need only ask your friend for other suggestions, in the hope that a cheaper one will slip in. But if you were as appalled as Miss Manners is at helping a child beg, the best rebuke would be to ignore the e-mail.
• • •
Dear Miss Manners—Is it possible to discourage or redirect adult relatives away from the practice of making Christmas lists? I have tried and failed— so far.
My husband and I are lucky enough to be able to buy everything we need and much of what we want. My relatives are in similarly good financial condition. However, they exert a great deal of pressure on us to produce Christmas lists, which suggests that they can’t be bothered coming up with something to put under the tree.
It’s depressing—are we really such strangers to each other? I would be happy to forego gifts altogether, but that option was not popular with my family. It’s not really the end of the world to take a chance on someone even if the present later ends up being regifted or sent to charity, is it?
Gentle Reader—Like you, Miss Manners has tried and—so far—pretty much failed to discourage people from trashing the ancient custom of exchanging presents and substituting the exchange of shopping lists.
What (she keeps asking) is the point? The choice of presents is supposed to produce that warm feeling of knowing that someone else has noticed you and considered how to please you. When that element of thoughtfulness is eliminated, what is left?
Of course she knows that the real answer is: getting stuff one wants and having other people pay for it. But as a rough reciprocity is required, no one should come out ahead.
Some solve this by making charitable donations in one another’s names, but that, too, is something people should choose and do themselves, not to mention for which they should get the tax credits.
Until we succeed in making people understand the value and meaning of giving presents, Miss Manners suggests that you nudge your relatives toward a minimal amount of thoughtfulness by putting “A book or movie that you think I might enjoy.”
From Sidewalk Therapists
Popular psychology, with its varying theories of healthy and rewarding behavior, has strongly influenced social conventions. Having abandoned its belief in dignity, privacy, and cautious steps toward achieving intimacy, it now mandates an indiscriminate show of affection.
Even the Victorian cult of sincerity, which a century later morphed into a ruthless requirement for honesty, including when it might unnecessarily crush the feelings of others, has yielded to the notion that we must put on a phony show of fondness for strangers.
Miss Manners has watched the hug become increasingly separated from the emotion that is supposed to prompt it. The bizarre notion that hugging should inspire affectionate goodwill, rather than express it, was promulgated in the 1960s, perhaps not unrelated to chemical and erotic stimuli.
But then, in the inevitable yearning for respectability, it took on moral overtones. Promiscuous hugging was credited with demonstrating benevolence—a general love and acceptance of humanity. And it was touted as therapy—uninvited touching being an end in itself, it would bring comfort to the forlorn, no matter who administered it.
• • •
Dear Miss Manners—My boyfriend and I went to the shoe store to return a pair of shoes that were too small. He was a little nervous about it. It went well, and he was able to get them in a larger size.
As we left, he thanked the saleswoman and gave her a kiss on the cheek. I’m thinking this is inappropriate. Am I wrong? I know he was just trying to be gracious.
Gentle Reader—Let us suppose that it had been your unaccompanied father exchanging shoes, and then expressing his satisfaction with the transaction by kissing the saleswoman. Would you even be asking this question?
Miss Manners is guessing that you would be too occupied trying to explain to the police that this was only his way of saying “Thank you.” Perhaps if it were being handled by a female police officer, he could have expressed his thanks to her as well.
• • •
Dear Miss Manners—With sexual harassment in the workplace getting so much attention these days, imagine how much happier we would all be if hugging were not permitted among coworkers.
I am so tired of having my space invaded and feeling obligated to accept a hug. My skill at giving a light pat on the back or shoulder with minimal frontal touching is improving. However, a handshake can be equally affirming of one’s appreciation of another and is so civilized!
Gentle Reader—When embracing is condoned as ordinary—even desirable—behavior, abuse becomes easy. Miss Manners was shocked to read, in a discussion of harassment, a prominent feminist saying of a colleague that she hates it “when that dude hugs me”—and, then, when a “no touching at work” rule was proposed, responding, “I think that’s crazy,” and talking about how she always hugs her coworkers.
What if some dude hates it when she hugs him?
Miss Manners agrees with you that the handshake is quite cordial enough for most situations, which would free the hug to mean something warmer and consensual. Meanwhile, she also recommends performing a slight wave in front of your face, accompanied by a regretful smile. The assumption will be that you have something catching, but so be it.
When embracing is condoned as ordinary—even desirable—behavior, abuse becomes easy.
• • •
Dear Miss Manners—At a party, a woman I know fairly well came up behind me and ran her fingers up and down my back in a scratching sort of way. I asked her to please stop, that I did not like it. Her response was “I know you don’t like to be touched; that’s why I do it.”
I am at a loss as to how I could have responded. Am I doomed to be hugged and be pawed by people I would be comfortable touching with only a handshake?
Gentle Reader—As your acquaintance considers that annoying people is amusing, Miss Manners hopes that she will enjoy your giving a piercing scream the minute she touches you and shouting, “What are you doing?”
From Meanies
Some false pronouncements come from people who seem to be as mean-spirited as they are uninformed. Sometimes they make up rules that would penalize others and give themselves advantages. But often they have nothing to gain except the satisfaction of offering discomfort.
Birth, divorce, and death especially inspire them. Widows—but not widowers—are besieged by supposed sympathizers, who may be bearing casseroles but can hardly wait to tell them that they must remove their wedding rings, and that if they have been using the traditional form of address, Mrs. Horace Ryder, they must now be known as Mrs. Marybeth Ryder (an always-incorrect form most usually applied to divorcées).
• • •
Dear Miss Manners—My boyfriend of five years plus has an ex-wife, who took back his last name. She had left him for another man after eighteen years and re-married soon after their divorce. Now she is divorced again and I found it interesting that she took back her first husband’s name and did not revert back to her maiden name. What is your thought on this matter?
Gentle Reader—First thought: Surely the lady can call herself what she likes.
But as you asked Miss Manners to think it over, her guess is that this is the surname this lady had longest in her adult life, perhaps shared with any children of that marriage, perhaps used in her work. What’s it to you?
• • •
Dear Miss Manners—Most of our friends and acquaintances, married or not, have now embarked on the task of producing children. This means I am invited to multitudes of baby showers, sometimes more than one for each baby.
I disapprove of baby showers for two reasons: First, we are in a global resource crisis and people, especially Americans, should have fewer children, and second, showers encourage wasteful consumerism, when the mother can easily obtain hand-me-downs for her rapidly growing child.
I am also alarmed at the shocking number of otherwise intelligent people who, despite this being the first world with various forms of birth control widely available, still have unplanned pregnancies, and make no secret of this fact.
For these reasons and others, I am generally not thrilled when my friends become pregnant. I love my friends, but once they have kids, they fall off the face of the earth. It makes me sad to lose my friends and watch them throw away their promising careers and lives to enter the black hole of babydom (which, despite common arguments to the contrary, almost all do).
Given this, it seems inappropriate for me to attend baby showers. My friends are all familiar with my views on reproduction. I am happy to help my friends in other ways; come over and do the household chores for a day, for instance. But is there a polite way to decline to attend a good friend’s shower?
But is there a polite way to decline to attend a good friend’s shower?
Gentle Reader—Yes, certainly. It is: “Thank you so much for the invitation, but I will not be able to attend.”
Miss Manners notices that being familiar with your views did not deter your friends from having children, so you needn’t feel neglectful about refraining from repeating them after the fact.
• • •
Dear Miss Manners—Now that my pregnancy is showing, many women will greet me with short congratulations and then launch into frightening stories.
Normally, I try to say, “Pardon me for interrupting, but I’m afraid you have me confused with someone else. I’m sure you would not want to share such a personal story with a complete stranger.”
This works well with strangers, but is there a polite way I can stop co-workers and acquaintances from telling me their childbirth horror stories?
Gentle Reader—Pregnant ladies are so susceptible to sudden bouts of nausea that no one could blame you if you had to excuse yourself the next time you get whiff of a gruesome tale. Miss Manners suggests doing this often enough that they will catch on, but if they don’t, you won’t be around long enough to find out.
From Entertainment
It is often pointed out to Miss Manners that characters in films and television may exhibit bad manners. Well, of course they do. It’s called drama. Even she wouldn’t sit through the dramatization of people being polite to one another.
• • •
Dear Miss Manners—Can you convince popular stars to set a better example for our children? Everywhere my children look, from musicians, politicians, and even the figures in their video games, they see people getting away with bad behavior. And that’s besides the big shots who turn out to have been financial and sex criminals. How am I supposed to teach my children manners when that’s all they see?
Gentle Reader—Well, it’s not all they see, unless you are modeling bad behavior at home. And surely you don’t believe that it would be easier to persuade people who are successful to change their ways than to influence your children.
It is not that Miss Manners thinks that child-rearing is easy. But one of its constant tasks is to teach children how to evaluate the world. You have been telling them to judge what is right rather than just to copy celebrities. So think of those people as kindly providing you with examples for discussions of “Is that your idea of fairness?” and “How would you like it if someone did that to you?”
• • •
Dear Miss Manners—It seems that more and more TV commercials, TV shows, and movies are showing actors talking with food in their mouths. I used to think that was strictly a no-no, but am wondering if that is now considered appropriate.
I sometimes argue with my son over this, but it is hard to persuade him it is not correct behavior when we see it all the time on TV and in the movies. Please tell me it is still considered rude!
Gentle Reader—Not only that, but Miss Manners considers it foolhardy to allow your son to think, much less argue, that television is the place to observe model behavior.
From Restaurants
How restaurants came to be considered places of social worship has always puzzled Miss Manners. She thought they were businesses that sold and served cooked food.
Then why the sudden manners hysteria on the part of people afraid they will incur scorn from waiters and headwaiters? Surely they have been practicing eating at home their entire lives. But restaurants have succeeded in setting themselves up as etiquette judges.
Actually, the assumption that correct service is what is practiced in expensive restaurants is misleading. Because it cannot be known in advance what the customers will order, restaurateurs are obliged to compromise. They set the table with basic implements, but must bring specialized ones for particular foods. They put out bread and butter immediately and serve salads before the main courses so that hungry patrons don’t gnaw their napkins while their meals are being prepared. None of this is necessary, or considered proper, in private entertainment.
But even aside from those limitations, good restaurant service is rare at any price. It is common to have waiters interrupt conversation to take orders, recite specials, troll for compliments or tips, fail to supply necessary implements, and remove plates before everyone at the table has finished eating.
• • •
Dear Miss Manners—In restaurants, I frequently use the one knife provided to cut up unruly bits of lettuce and overly large slices of cucumber, etc., in my salad. When finished, I leave this knife on the salad plate to go away. Nearly always, the server takes the used knife and puts it back at my place, or tells me to keep my knife.
Am I improper to use a knife for my salad, or is the server improper to put soiled silverware back on the table? May I ask for a new knife for the main course?
Gentle Reader—The temptation, for Miss Manners, would be to use the knife to go after the person in the kitchen who is responsible for putting the salad together. As she has never seen a proper salad knife offered in a restaurant, however pretentious, she expects any salad ingredients that cannot be easily cut with the side of the fork to be served in bite-sized pieces.
If not, the diner is entitled to eat as best possible, which may include using whatever knife is at hand. Unless the restaurant provides knife-rests (Miss Manners is beginning to think she should open a silver shop), soiled implements should not be returned to the table. There is no need to be hesitant about asking politely for a fresh knife.
• • •
Dear Miss Manners—No matter how elegant or upscale the restaurant, near the end of service I will be asked, “Are you still working on that?” or “Are you still sawing (or picking) at that?”
To me this suggestion implies I’m laboring to stuff as much food down as possible, or picking through the garbage looking for something edible. I assume the servers mean no harm, and simply don’t know better. I don’t want to offend them, or get them in trouble.
Would it be rude for me to suggest that, “May I take your plate?” is a much more pleasant option? Does it make a difference if I’m a regular client and know the servers by name?
Gentle Reader—Unfortunate language seems to spread rapidly around the restaurant industry. Other common annoyances are pushing for compliments (“How are you enjoying your meal?”) and commenting on the diner’s eating (“Well, you sure put that away”).
If you know the manager, you might initiate a discussion about this while otherwise complimenting the restaurant. But Miss Manners must remind you that it is not up to you to retrain the staff. She just wishes somebody with authority over them would do it.
From the Wedding Industry
No source of etiquette misinformation comes close to providing the astounding output of the wedding industry. And now that lavish weddings are almost the only form of formal entertaining, the selfishness and greed that characterize these bogus traditions have spread to other occasions and everyday life, and even become accepted as a legitimate way to behave.
Perhaps wedding etiquette fraud works because its targets are so eager to receive instruction. That includes people who have long been etiquette scoffers. Having always boasted that their choices of clothing (which always turn out to be standard “casual”) and entertaining (which they always label “spontaneous”) are independent of prevailing patterns, they suddenly want to know what is proper in the way of wedding celebrations.
Oddly, it is also true of those who declare that the most important characteristic of their wedding is that it should be “personal” and “about us.” As approximately a hundred percent of those being married declare that as their priority, one would imagine that the traditional forms would have disappeared.
The trouble is that much of what they are told has little to do with actual tradition, much less with kindness and consideration for others.
But no. Bridal couples may tweak the conventions, but they still want to know what is expected.
The trouble is that much of what they are told has little to do with actual tradition, much less with kindness and consideration for others. “It’s the bride’s day” (or sometimes “their day”) is almost universally accepted as license to bully relatives and members of the bridal party and to exploit guests. Miss Manners is surprised that bridesmaids and wedding guests don’t unionize to demand decent working conditions.
Here are some of the common forms of rudeness that have been re-classified as desirable and even required.
Self-Aggrandizement
Many couples find tedious ways to turn the attention from the emphasis on religion or civic society to their own thoughts, feelings, and life stories. This begins with the staged public (and subsequently posted) proposal, patterned on cartoonists’ imaginary version of olden times, with the gentleman on one knee proffering a ring to the surprised lady. It has taken hold to the extent that people describe themselves as not “officially engaged” until it takes place, as if an engagement were something that had to be validated by an audience and not simply an agreement between two people to marry.
• • •
Dear Miss Manners—When is the appropriate time frame after a proposal to throw an engagement party?
Gentle Reader—An increasing number of gentlemen seem to think that the proposal itself should be a surprise party, and make it as public as possible, rather than a private moment for the couple.
That nullifies the traditional intent of the engagement party, which is to announce an engagement. (Yes, really—no matter how many people believe its purpose is to open a fundraising season.)
But Miss Manners has long since lost that battle, with every step of the courtship posted on social media. She would at least request that the engagement party be held closer to the proposal than to the wedding.
• • •
Dear Miss Manners—When one of my girlfriends got engaged, I was very happy and excited for her, as she had waited for this proposal for what seemed a long time. She texted me with a photo of the proposal taking place, and I quickly texted back my congratulations.
The next day, I followed up with a phone call to congratulate the happy couple again and find out the details of the proposal.
Imagine my dismay when, a few days later, my friend discussed with me how disappointed she was in her friends’ response to her engagement! She proceeded to tell me that it really bothered her that none of her good friends took her out for champagne to celebrate or for a manicure. I sat there in silence as she talked about what she has done for her friends who have gotten engaged, but no one did it for her.
Am I a bad friend for not doing these things? I assumed there would be engagement parties, bridal showers, and everything else that comes along with this engagement, so I never thought of doing something extra so quickly for her. Is this something I should bring up with her as to why it bothered me that she came off so self-centered?
Gentle Reader—First, a warning: Do not agree to be a bridesmaid to this lady. If in the first flush of this happy time, her thoughts are not focused on her new life with her fiancé, but on how others should pay her obeisance, it is only going to get worse.
Miss Manners’ next caution is against discussing your friend’s fault or your own grievance. Rather, you should be leading her into talk about the virtues of the bridegroom and listening to tedious wedding details (should the tablecloths be pink or rose?). That is the duty of a good friend under such circumstances.
• • •
Dear Miss Manners—Why are brides so full of themselves these days? Perhaps because this particular bride was named after a jewelry store and believes she is the Hope Diamond?
In any event, I received an eight-page Save-the-Date booklet from the soon-to-be bride and groom, bragging about their international travels, fine dining, careers, and overall passionate love for each other. The couple will be married in a private ceremony at an exotic locale, with receptions for the adoring masses to follow five months later.
This announcement was preceded, earlier this month, by a shower invitation requesting gift cards. How do you suggest I respond to this correspondence? I do not plan to attend either event, as I live out-of-state.
Gentle Reader—How one responds to beggars generally depends on whether they seem truly in need, and whether they impress you as people who would benefit from your help.
Neither seems to be the case here. Never having heard of a destitute case indulging in fine dining, Miss Manners understands why this plea does not touch your heart.
You need only respond to the shower invitation with a note offering your regret at not being able to attend and your best wishes. It is not necessary for you to point out to Miss Manners that you actually feel no regret. In fact, you do, but it is regret that people are not ashamed to make such demands.
Living Above One’s Means
One could hardly expect this wealth of advice on how to be selfish to be available free without commercials. It comes laced with strange but stern directives about what purchases would be “expected” at a proper wedding: welcome baskets, party favors, signature cocktails, sit-down dinners with many courses (including another dessert in addition to wedding cake), color-coordinated decor, photo booths, makeup artists, disc jockeys, change of dress for the bride at the reception, limousines, and, above all, “originality” precluding the use of the families’ accustomed backgrounds and style of living.
Typically, these add up to tens of thousands of dollars. Few can easily afford that, and many go into debt. But the industry has a solution: Make relatives and friends pay the bills.
• • •
Dear Miss Manners—It used to be that a wedding was a simple event. The Bride had a shower, which the Maid of Honor hostessed. Now there is an Engagement Party, the Bachelorette Party, the Shower, the Bridal Luncheon and the Wedding—also Spa Day, Professional Hair & Makeup, etc.
My daughter is getting married and it feels like a nine-month event. Her plan is to have a Bachelorette Party in a city seven hours away.
When I suggested that the bridesmaids be given an idea of the cost, she became high-handed and told me that the party is about her and that I am trying to nickel and dime her wedding—which is swiftly following her graduation, five years of tuition not yet paid.
I consider that letting bridesmaids know the approximate cost of the party prior to making definitive plans would be common courtesy. I am concerned how much brides now carry an attitude of entitlement for what now has become the “Wedding Show,” and possibly losing the meaning of the actual marriage. Am I wrong?
Gentle Reader—To take into consideration the feelings and practical circumstances of those who were supposedly chosen for their friendship?
If you cannot rein in your daughter, perhaps her bridesmaids will. Even indentured servants, which is what many brides assume their bridesmaids are, were not expected to subsidize their oppressors. Miss Manners advises anyone offered such an honor to ask what it will involve before deciding whether to accept.
And then there is the poor bridegroom. Has anyone warned him what to expect of life with someone with elaborate plans to honor herself at others’ expense?
• • •
Dear Miss Manners—Traditionally the bride’s family comes up with the cost of the wedding. But now that marriage has become so diversified, who holds that responsibility? Grooms to grooms, brides to brides—and has this changed the tradition as far as straight marriages goes?
Gentle Reader—That custom was causing trouble long before gay weddings became legal. It referred to a time when young brides were married from under their parents’ guardianship, and the wedding expense was offset by the expectation that all subsequent living expenses would be paid by their bridegrooms.
Miss Manners need hardly point out how silly it is to apply this automatically to brides who are out on their own and self-sufficient. Weddings are family occasions, and families should talk them over and decide, without pressuring one another, what each element feels it can willingly and reasonably contribute. Only then should the plans be made so that they are affordable.
• • •
Dear Miss Manners—Our daughter wants to have a destination wedding in Ireland. The setting would be a group of buildings that will house twenty-six people. The reception will be held at the site.
As her parents, what is our financial responsibility? She is thirty years old and has been working and not living at home for over ten years.
Gentle Reader—It’s your money, and you get to decide—not your daughter, not Miss Manners, and not etiquette itself, which does not pass out bills.
• • •
Dear Miss Manners—A stranger, who is a friend of a coworker my husband works with (someone from a well-to-do family who is getting married), called to invite me to be an honorary hostess for the couples’ engagement party.
The caller told me that as an honorary hostess, I was to pay a certain dollar amount to help with expenses and to be a greeter to the friends and family. And of course bring a gift in celebration.
I said I would call back. Although I had lost my job, I decided to go along with the request because of workplace politics, and, being in a small town, social politics. Is there a pleasant way to back out of such a request without hurting my husband’s reputation? Or our social reputation?
Gentle Reader—An “honorary hostess”?
As in, we’ll give you a title and hope that you don’t notice that really we are just saddling you with the bill?
Miss Manners is constantly amazed at the extortionist inventions people come up with in the much-maligned name of hospitality.
You can, however, still back out by saying, “You know, I am so honored that you asked, but I just don’t feel as if I know the couple well enough to be a hostess of their party. Perhaps after we do, my husband and I could discuss with them another type of celebration that might be pleasing to all of us.” Perhaps by the time of their fifth anniversary, they will have stricken your name from the target list.
• • •
Dear Miss Manners—I just heard about a couple who is getting married and charging their guests up to $200. If you want to attend the wedding, it will cost a certain specified amount. If you want to go to the reception, it will cost another specified amount. If you want to EAT at the reception, it will cost more, up to a total of $200 each.
So it could cost guests, if they’re a couple, $400 to attend this wedding. I wonder if they’re expecting a present on top of this.
Gentle Reader—Certainly they are expecting to squeeze their guests as much as possible. But this offer does not strike Miss Manners as a bargain, and she imagines that those who agree will decline the honor of buying in.
• • •
Dear Miss Manners—We received a wedding invitation that we are unable to accept. I wrote a regret and sent it to the address on the reply card. We would, however, like to give the couple a gift. In looking through the invitation enclosures we found, to our dismay, that the only item for which they registered was money to fund their honeymoon.
I find this distasteful in the extreme and wonder if Miss Manners has any suggestions for gifts for this couple?
Gentle Reader—A begging bowl in their pattern?
• • •
Dear Miss Manners—Since my generation has apparently failed miserably in teaching our children the concept of hospitality, it seems clear to me that the whole concept of weddings should be rethought. Who better than Miss Manners to preside over this process?
Brides could sell tickets (with different price points, to accommodate people who are still paying off those pesky student loans). This eliminates the need for people to try to find a wedding gift that will please her. Brides could set up hair and makeup stations outside the venue, so all the women will have matching hair and makeup.
Final touch: provide robes, so everyone will be dressed alike, preferably in an unflattering style/color, so the bride will be the only pretty woman there.
I have paid $2 for a glass of soda at a reception and been buttonholed by the bride, who reminded me that I hadn’t sent a gift yet and she could take a check “right now.” (Yes, that really happened. The friendship has cooled.) Dear Miss Manners, I despair.
Gentle Reader—As well you might. What you predict is very close to the reality of many of today’s weddings:
Many couples see the event as autobiographical pageants in which they are the producers and stars, thus the attempts to costume everyone else. And the concession stand. The assumption is made that guests must pay to attend, if not in the form of buying tickets, then of contributing to the costs of the wedding or honeymoon, and buying whatever the couple states that it needs.
Why those targeted go along with this, Miss Manners cannot understand. Surely there is better entertainment available at the price. And if more refused to pay up, the custom would naturally wither.
• • •
Dear Miss Manners—My fiancée and I have decided it makes more financial sense to elope on a nice beach somewhere than to spend money we don’t have (nor do our parents) on a big wedding.
However, I come from a close-knit Southern town and I know some friends and neighbors will be horribly offended that they were not invited. I know a couple who have held grudges for years over this sort of thing!
What is the kindest way to explain to them that I care about them very much but don’t have thousands of dollars to spend on a fancy wedding?
Gentle Reader—Let’s first make sure that they care very much about you. Is it that an emotional attachment makes them long to be with you at this important milestone in your life? And not that weddings are the way they enjoy luxurious entertainment at little expense? That bit about grudges is a bad sign.
However, if the affection is mutual, and finances are your only problem, Miss Manners can help. Eloping is indeed a way of escaping the participation of others. If, however, you really regret not being able to include them, then you should include them. You just have to detach the concept of “wedding” from “lavish,” “expensive,” and “fancy.”
An informal wedding can be charming—even a relief from the overblown, pretentious extravaganzas so common today. You can send first-person, handwritten notes to those people you care about, inviting them to your beach wedding. If it is not scheduled at a usual mealtime, you can serve them punch, or beer, or lemonade, and a homemade cake.
Your true well-wishers will have the pleasure of witnessing and celebrating your marriage. Anyone who is disappointed not to be treated to champagne, a four-course dinner, and an evening of dancing (not to mention the auxiliary events that so often turn a wedding into a weekend of activities) may decline. And any grudges on that account need not bother you, because they will not be held by friends.
• • •
Dear Miss Manners—I know nowadays just about anything goes, but what does etiquette dictate regarding wedding guests each being asked to bring a snack tray or some sort of food for the reception? I know the bride personally, and I know this is strictly for her convenience.
Gentle Reader—If anything goes, Miss Manners would think it would be the targeted guests, who would choose to go to more welcoming sites for their picnics.
The Shakedown
Following the engagement, a couple generally goes shopping. For free. Rather than assembling what they might need for their new—or, more likely, old—residence, they shop to compile lists to distribute to those whom they expect to pay.
• • •
Dear Miss Manners—While gift registries may never be “proper,” they are a necessity in today’s world.
A relative who lives far away from me neglected to have a bridal registry. She ended up having to make one at the last minute to alleviate the burden of her and her husband-to-be’s parents having to field many questions from attendees. They had to start an informal list of what the folks who called in said they were bringing, because these attendees did not want their gift duplicated!
I was able to order the (large) gift in advance and have it wrapped and waiting on hold for me to pick it up when I got to my destination. All I needed to pack was my handwritten gift card.
It also makes it easier and more economical for the gift-giver who is not able to attend. Most registries offer free shipping, free gift wrap. In today’s day, when often the events are far from even the hometowns of the recipients, gift registries are important.
Gentle Reader—Sorry, but you are not going to win this argument with Miss Manners, especially when the particular solution you describe (minus the registry) is actually more correct. Having a gift wrapped and sent in advance is the proper way to send wedding presents and conveniently easier for both the long distance traveler and the bride who doesn’t want to lug home stuff after her wedding, where misplaced cards and sometimes-disappearing boxes are a problem.
Miss Manners hopes that she is not the first to inform you that most stores—actual and virtual—will ship their merchandise, no registry necessary. And if there are duplicate presents, the bride can always return them. Now wasn’t that easy?
• • •
Dear Miss Manners—I have learned about another way for couples to get cash instead of gifts for their wedding without coming out and crassly asking for it.
We were invited to a wedding, and I was talking to my sister about what to choose from the gift registry. She noticed that the couple had requested two slow cookers, and I added that I saw they had registered for three identical wool blankets.
I ordered an item, but when I tried to have it sent to my house instead of to the couple, I found the item could only be sent to the address set up for the couple. I contacted the “store” and was told they didn’t have that feature (to send it to a different address) but the person I was communicating with said he would “bring it up at the next meeting.”
Later I talked to the bride-to-be, and she told me that they don’t actually get the gifts, they get the value of the gifts put into their account and they can spend however they want: “We don’t want to get anything we don’t want.”
Gentle Reader—Oh, a laundering scheme. There seems to be no shortage of commercial enterprises to help people shake down their guests.
This one is particularly insulting as it tries to fool those guests into thinking that they are exercising even the minimal amount of choice in how they spend their money by selecting something that the couple have fraudulently said that they wanted.
Miss Manners is afraid that this sort of thing will stop only when people refuse to go along with the demands of their supposed hosts, whether these demands are made in the form of shopping lists, a.k.a. gift registries, or blatant or devious demands for money.
Unfortunately, many people have resigned themselves to this as the price for attending weddings. Why they want to attend the weddings of people who are practicing extortion on them, Miss Manners cannot imagine.
Why they want to attend the weddings of people who are practicing extortion on them, Miss Manners cannot imagine.
• • •
Dear Miss Manners—My husband’s cousin has just sent out the third save-the-date card in the last four years. The last time was for a destination wedding. This time it is for a winter wedding.
Each time, the family does showers or donates money to help out. But there are never any weddings or any discussions about broken engagements or any gifts or money returned.
Am I obliged to help out or attend yet another pre-“wedding” money grab? How can I extricate myself politely?
Gentle Reader—What an interesting hoax these people have invented. Please reassure Miss Manners that you are not on the verge of falling for it a third time. The adage “Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me” comes to mind.
In any case, even under the best of circumstances, a save-the-date notice does not require a response. It is merely a courtesy to those who want to plan ahead, and neither an announcement nor an invitation, although those who sent them are obliged to follow up with invitations when the time approaches.
• • •
Dear Miss Manners—We have been invited to a wedding and do not know the couple. We are unable to attend. Should we still send a gift or money? It is an awkward situation.
Gentle Reader—It is only awkward if you believe that strangers will be devastated to think that you don’t care enough about them. Even if you did know them, Miss Manners assures you that good wishes are all you are required to send with your prompt and polite response declining the invitation.
• • •
Dear Miss Manners—My partner of 20 years and I have been together so long that getting married, now that it is legal in our state, almost feels like a renewal of vows. As such, we have opted for a small celebration and are avoiding many of the traditional elements that feel either age-inappropriate or wrong at this stage of our life: There will be no church ceremony and elaborate reception with multiple wedding attendants in formal attire.
Because when we met, being gay and getting married was inconceivable, we find ourselves unsure about etiquette. Some of our issues are probably similar to any more established (older) couple being married.
One thing I am unsure about is: must we have a wedding registry? We need nothing and our wants are specific and expensive. For us, the privilege of being legally married in front of friends and family is truly enough.
Gentle Reader—Congratulations—not only on your coming marriage, but on your wish to apply taste and sense to that spectacle that has become the typical American wedding. Miss Manners finds it sad that wedding greed has become so institutionalized that you question whether it is proper NOT to tell people to buy you things.
Policing Fashion
As if it weren’t difficult enough to choose among thousands of identical strapless, puffy, or peekaboo white dresses, brides, as the producers of wedding extravaganzas, seem to feel entitled to costume everyone else.
• • •
Dear Miss Manners—My mother is 70 and plus-size and the dress that she bought for the wedding is very elegant yet semi-plain. My fiancé’s mother is driving me nuts because she would like to wear a ball gown that is bigger than my dress and has a large amount of jewels and gems on the dress.
I believe that she should look elegant and subdued to match my mother’s dress, but she feels that she will look matronly. She wants to dress very fancy, but I believe that she is trying to purposely be the center of attention, therefore outshining my mother and also trying to pull attention off me and onto her.
I know she wants to look good and she does look amazing for her age (51) but I believe this is not the appropriate place. I have told her several times that I want her to look elegant and not brothel-esque. I told her nothing strapless or with too much beading or sequins because she will make my mom look underdressed. Am I a bridezilla? How should I approach the situation?
Gentle Reader—By turning around. Instead of approaching, you should be backing off.
As you are understandably worried about going around the bend, Miss Manners must tell you the danger signals. One is believing that you are in total charge of costuming. You can set the standard of formality for your guests and hope for the best; you can state your wishes to the bridesmaids and hope that they consent. You may even be able to dictate to the bridegroom. But to attempt doing so to his mother is as impertinent as it is useless. She is an adult and will use her own judgment, good or bad.
An even worse sign is worrying that someone else will outshine you. There is unlikely to be an occasion in your life when you can be as sure of being the center of attention as at your wedding. But is that really what will be foremost on your mind while you are being married?
• • •
Dear Miss Manners—When my nephew was married, the soon-to-be mother-in-law insisted that the invitation read “Dress to impress.” Most guests were a bit put off by this, but she was very serious.
On the wedding day, most of the guests were dressed nicely, but some were much more casual. This is when the bride’s mom went to a few of those and chastised them for being underdressed, and reminded them of the invitation. Many of the other guests, including myself, felt this was very wrong and since then, our families have fallen at odds, with many not even talking.
If this is acceptable on a day that these guests are at her daughter’s and new son-in-law’s to wish them happiness, I would be very grateful to know. And even if my feelings are wrong I would apologize to this person!
Gentle Reader—As you undoubtedly know, you are not taking much of a risk. How likely is it that Miss Manners would approve of running around scolding one’s guests, especially about something that they can no longer do anything about?
Besides, the lady accused these people falsely. Her wording did not specify whom the guests were supposed to aim to impress. Some may have wanted to impress people whose tastes differ from the conventional.
Reruns
A term now in common usage that puzzles Miss Manners is a “real wedding.”
She recalls from nineteenth-century drama what a sham wedding was: A cad would persuade a virtuous lady to elope, produce an imposter to act as a clergyman and pretend to marry them, and shortly after, abandon her to ruin. The planning always seemed to take more time than the enjoyment.
More recently, and more sympathetically, people who were not legally allowed to marry held extra-legal weddings, called commitment ceremonies, to mark their unions.
Silly Miss Manners would have thought that a “real wedding” was one in which a couple actually got married in a legal and optionally religious ceremony. Some sort of celebration almost always follows, but while that is called a “wedding reception” or a “wedding breakfast,” it is an add-on.
But now people want to divorce the marriage from the wedding. What they mean by a “wedding” is only the pageantry. The white dress, the costumed attendants, the “giving away,” the huge cake, and, of course, the presents—and these may even be produced without benefit of matrimony.
Silly Miss Manners would have thought that a “real wedding” was one in which a couple actually got married in a legal and optionally religious ceremony.
It is not often couples with no intention of actually marrying who stage these events (although there are instances), but instead couples who are already married. Some are just married and want to repeat the event for different spectators. Others are long married but complain that they now want the trappings they missed at the time.
The targeted “real wedding” guests are no more charmed by this than Miss Manners. It seems that the emotional element of witnessing a binding union is essential. The legal part is so crucial that emotions do not seem to be dampened when the bride and bridegroom have previously been living as a couple. Miss Manners cannot blame others for their lack of enthusiasm for reruns.
The legal part is so crucial that emotions do not seem to be dampened when the bride and bridegroom have previously been living as a couple.
• • •
Dear Miss Manners—I am eloping with a small group of twenty of our closest family members being present. I am a new doctor in residency and simply do not have enough time this year to do a proper wedding. We would like to host a party in a year for all our extended family.
The question is whether or not I can have a bachelorette party with girlfriends who will not be attending the elopement this year but come to the party next year.
Gentle Reader—Elopements being clandestine by definition, Miss Manners is unclear what the twenty family members are doing. Holding the ladder while you make your escape?
She suspects that you are actually having a wedding—a ceremony at which people become properly and legally married—and an anniversary party next year. Your confusion is a predictable side effect of mistaking the meaning of previously well-understood terms.
Pre-nuptial parties are held before the wedding, and the guests who are invited to one should be invited to the other. Skipping these little events should save you valuable time.
• • •
Dear Miss Manners—I have a family member who had a destination wedding. A month later, they were doing a second wedding ceremony and reception locally, which is the one we planned to attend.
The day of, we found out the second wedding was off but the celebration was still on since the bride’s parents had paid for it. What do you suggest I do? Should I still give the cash gift to the family member? This is a little tricky since they got married a month before technically.
Gentle Reader—You seem to be under the impression that wedding presents are the price of admission, so reruns ought to be discounted, if not free. Rather, they should be given out of goodwill to bridal couples, especially, but not exclusively, by those who care enough about them to attend the wedding. Whether you feel any goodwill should determine both your presence and your generosity. A non-wedding is unlikely to inspire this.
• • •
Dear Miss Manners—We have a friend who had a destination wedding last year. Now they are having a bridal shower and another wedding in the state they live in. Is it right to have a bridal shower when you have been married for almost a year?
Gentle Reader—How far back does your friend intend to rewind events? Miss Manners suggests that you might want to stop before she gives herself a high school graduation party.
And lastly, two canards in particular have achieved wide belief: that guests must give presents costing the amount that the hosts spend to entertain them, and that the bride has a full year in which to acknowledge presents.
Doesn’t anyone wonder why etiquette would abandon its millennia-long devotion to hospitality and gratitude to encourage brides to stiff their guests?
• • •
Dear Miss Manners—Is it true that the price of your gift for a wedding should also be commensurate to the food that will be served in the reception?
Gentle Reader—No. If so, you would owe them extra for that second helping Miss Manners saw you take, putting your total above the cost of the slow cooker you sent.
• • •
Dear Miss Manners—How much time is appropriate for sending thank-yous for wedding gifts? We think that they have one year.
Gentle Reader—No. Miss Manners puts it at twenty minutes after receiving each present, although those less strict might give them a full day.
• • •
Dear Miss Manners—Our youngest son got married last year. I have one friend who emailed me four times asking when she is going to get a thank-you card from the newly married couple. She even asked two of our mutual friends if they received anything.
I have personally thanked many people, and told them that eventually there will be an official thank-you card. Most people don’t mind. They say it’s the 21st century.
My son’s wife is in school, pursuing a LL.B degree, looking for an internship, and also volunteering, and not home all day doing nothing. She says she will send cards within the year of marriage.
Gentle Reader—No, she won’t. There will never be a time that she considers acknowledging other people’s generosity as important as her studies, internship, volunteering, and whatever else she is doing, including resting up from all that.
But other people also have busy lives, and some of them took the time and trouble to be generous to her and your son, who could equally well write the letters. (Where is his responsibility in your complaint?) Thanks are due when presents are received. Miss Manners warns you not to take comfort in your friends’ polite assurances that they don’t care.
From Well-Meaning Parents
Did Miss Manners forget to blame parents (and we all know that this generally means mothers) as everyone else does?
The ancestor of bogus etiquette pronouncements was innocent enough. It was parents saying, “Honey, don’t use the guest towels to clean up after your soccer game.” They did not add “or warts will grow on your hand,” although that is what people still believe.
Still, it is the one injunction that is widely observed. That, at least, is testimony to the possibility that the children were listening after all, although not to everything.
• • •
Dear Miss Manners—Friends and family refuse to use the brand new (and very cute) guest towels provided for them in the guest bathroom. The towels are freshly laundered and consist of one full set for each guest, hanging neatly on towel racks.
Upon checking the bathroom, I noticed that the guest towels were hanging unused, and various mismatched towels of all sizes from a nearby linen closet were being used and draped over the tub and sink. One guest had gone so far as to use a few dish towels, despite the bath towels being on an adjacent shelf!
When I expressed my wonder, the response was that the guest towels are too good to use. One guest said she thought they were only for decoration, although I specifically told her otherwise when showing her the accommodations. Even after I invited them once more to please enjoy the use of the guest towels, my requests were ignored. Other than padlocking the linen closet, how do I avoid this?
What about the rule of respecting a hostess’s wishes? Or the one prohibiting raiding her closets?
Gentle Reader—Sounds reasonable to Miss Manners. Nothing else works.
Why refraining from using guest towels is the only universally observed rule of etiquette, she cannot imagine. Yes, children were instructed not to use them to wipe their muddy faces. But they were also taught to sit at the table until everyone was finished, to write letters of thanks, not to break into lines, to answer invitations promptly, not to hit others in the playground, and a bunch of other rules that they no longer observe so strictly.
Did they not notice that these items are called guest towels? So they are meant to be used by guests? So that when they are guests, they are supposed to use them?
Even if they were unable to make that leap, you have repeatedly told them that the towels were for their use. What about the rule of respecting a hostess’s wishes? Or the one prohibiting raiding her closets?
The notion that the towels are “for decoration” is bizarre. Your furniture decorates the house, but you presumably allow the guests to sit on it. If you have pretty plates on the table, should the guests not eat from them?
• • •
Dear Miss Manners—In our guest bath, I have a rectangular napkin holder for folded decorative paper napkins to be used by guests for drying their hands. My thought is that I am providing our guests with a more sanitary way to dry their hands rather than multiple guests using the same hanging hand towels.
What is mind boggling to me is that many guests appear to prefer using the hand towels rather than the disposable napkins. Am I off base in believing that the napkins are a nice and appropriate alternative?
Gentle Reader—Your guests are actually using the guest towels? Shocking! But at least when you slap their hands, their hands will be dry.
What boggles Miss Manners’ mind is why anyone would hang towels in the bathroom when expecting guests who are not expected to use them.
From Miss Manners Herself
• • •
Dear Miss Manners—My girlfriend is very particular about table manners. She makes a point of leaving a scattering of food on her plate at the end of a meal rather than finishing every crumb like I do.
I know it only amounts to one or two forks full, but having traveled extensively in very poor countries, I think this is wasteful and absurd. The plates are also harder to wash. What are Miss Manners’ thoughts?
Gentle Reader—That she would like to be excused before someone discovers her responsibility in this matter. But that would be cowardly.
The sad truth is that a century ago, it was indeed the case that children in affluent families were taught not to finish everything on their plates. The embarrassing part is that the rule was phrased as “Leave something for Miss Manners” (and in England, “Leave something for Lady Manners”).
So yes, while some people were starving, others were wasting food. Miss Manners was not starving, because she got all the rich folks’ leftovers.
It was Eleanor Roosevelt’s grandmother who repealed this rule. As recounted in Mrs. Roosevelt’s Book of Common Sense Etiquette, “My grandmother came to believe that food was needed in the world and we who had an abundance should not waste it.”
Miss Manners agrees—thoroughly and, as you might notice, selflessly.
