We have been talking mainly about people who have lots of feelings and live by them, but have you ever met someone and thought, Do you even have a pulse? There are people who don’t seem to feel much of anything. In some ways life is easier for them, but cold emotion must be controlled the same as excessive emotion. The two main problems I see with people whose emotions are minimal are (1) they may not accomplish much in life unless they learn not to let their lack of strong feelings control them, and (2) they can be dull to live with. Just as the emotional person must learn to live by principle rather than emotion, the emotionless person must do the same. Whether we have too much or too little emotion, we cannot live according to it.
Some people may be emotionally cold because they’ve been hurt in life and have become hardened and desensitized. They don’t want to feel because they learned early on that feeling is often painful. They have developed ways to deny or turn off their feelings. Many of these people have addictive behaviors. I recently watched a television show about a woman who was a hoarder. She absolutely could not get rid of anything. Her stuff made her feel secure. This addiction was destroying her family and her life, so she sought professional counseling. The goal of all counseling is to get to the root problem that is causing the excessive behavior, and they discovered what hers was. During her childhood years, her father had a job that required her family to move almost yearly. Each time they moved, she lost her friends and had to leave behind most of her possessions that she had become attached to. She remembered one particularly painful experience, watching her father burn some of the toys and possessions she was very fond of. Her father should have been more sensitive to her reaction to how he handled the moves, but he wasn’t. He could have allowed her to keep a few of the things that were the most important to her, but sadly, a lot of adults think only of themselves when making decisions that affect the entire family, and they leave a trail of wrecked and wounded people behind them.
As an adult, she associated getting rid of anything with pain and unpleasant memories, so she simply held on to everything. Her entire home looked like one giant trash can. She was addicted to stuff and used that addiction to control feelings of pain connected to loss. As she began to clean out her house with her family members and counselors and get rid of a lot of her possessions, she felt a lot of emotional pain. But she also enjoyed the feeling of freedom she was experiencing. She understood that her healing would not come overnight or easily, but she was determined to overcome her addiction. I am happy for that woman because I love to see people confront their problems, tear down walls of bondage, and learn to enjoy freedom. I suggest that you stop right now and ask yourself if you have any self-made walls that need to come down in your own life.
Many people who seem to be cold and emotionless have merely developed ways to numb their pain. They may have become masters at isolation. They feel safe only when they are not involved with anyone. After all, they cannot get into trouble or face rejection if they do nothing and say nothing. In my case, I had been hurt so much in my childhood that I became a control freak in order to keep people from hurting me. I thought if I stayed in control I would be safe. A wonderful Bible teacher and author named Lisa Bevere wrote a book called Out of Control and Loving It. I like that title, and I immediately knew when I saw it what Lisa was trying to convey. When we feel we must control everything and everyone, we are usually stressed to the max all the time. After all, running the entire world is hard work. But if we learn to control ourselves rather than trying to control other people, we will more easily love and enjoy life.
People who don’t exhibit much emotion need healing just as excessively emotional people do. Anytime we discover that we are out of balance in an area of life, we need to confront it and work with the Holy Spirit to bring it into balance. If one is too emotional, she needs to be less so; and if one is emotionless, he needs to stir himself up a bit. If a person talks too much, she needs to learn how to be quiet. But if someone is too quiet, he needs to learn to make conversation for the sake of relationship and a well-balanced social life.
I have learned in life that if I wall others out, I also wall myself in, and I lose my freedom.
People who have been hurt often build walls that they hide behind to protect themselves. But I have learned in life that if I wall others out, I also wall myself in, and I lose my freedom. I am a strong believer in tearing down unhealthy walls and letting God become our wall of protection.
Violence shall no more be heard in your land, nor devastation or destruction within your borders, but you shall call your walls Salvation and your gates Praise.
(Isaiah 60:18)
This beautiful scripture brings us a wonderful promise. Salvation through Jesus becomes our wall of protection. We no longer need to live lives full of violence, devastation, and destruction.
Another scripture tells us that if we don’t have self–control, we are like a broken-down city without walls (see Prov. 25:28). So no matter how many walls we think we are building to protect ourselves, if we do not maintain balanced emotions, all our walls are mere illusions and not walls that protect us at all.
The walls we build around us to keep sadness out also keep out the joy.
Jim Rohn
The walls we build around us to keep sadness out also keep out the joy.
Jim Rohn
Some people are quiet, shy, and more laid-back simply because of their personality. I am a talker and my husband is not, and there is nothing wrong with either of us. But when anything becomes excessive to the point that it is hindering our freedom or hurting other people, we cannot say, “That’s just the way I am.” Dave needs to talk to me more than he might prefer to at times because that’s what I need, and love requires that we make sacrifices for the sake of other people. There are also times when I would like to rattle on and on in conversation, but I notice that Dave isn’t really enjoying it so I decide to be quiet or I go find someone else to talk to.
We must work with God to find the balance between being who we are and not excusing rude or unloving behavior by saying, “That is just the way I am.” God is in the business of changing us into His image, and that means He helps us control our weaknesses and He uses our strengths.
Dave and I have very different personalities, and yet we get along fabulously. It was not always that way, but we’ve learned to be what the other needs and yet not go so far that we lose our own freedom. I try to meet Dave’s needs and he does the same thing for me. Dave likes things that I don’t enjoy, but I still encourage him to do them so he can feel fulfilled, and he treats me the same way. When a friend or spouse needs you to adapt in some area to make the relationship better, it is foolish and selfish to say, “Sorry, that is just the way I am.” We may be more comfortable and find it easier to do what we feel like doing, but we can make adjustments and still not lose our individuality.
The apostle Paul said that he learned to be all things to all people in an effort to win them to Christ (see 1 Cor. 9:19–22). In other words, he adapted to his surroundings rather than expecting everything and everyone to adapt to him. I am sure his decision allowed him to enjoy a lot of peace and gave him many more friends. We can make ourselves very miserable and have stress-filled lives by never being willing to change or adapt. We are all different, but we can get along peacefully.
As I mentioned earlier, my husband’s personality is mainly phlegmatic, and mine is choleric. Those personalities are opposites, but we complement each other when we walk in love. I make decisions very quickly and Dave tends to want to think about things a long time. I flow more out of instinct, but he uses more logic and reason. The truth is that we need both in order to make consistently good decisions, so God gives each of us a part of what is needed and wants us to lean on each other and work together. I have gotten better at waiting over the years but will never be as naturally good at it as Dave is. Choleric people do everything quickly, and phlegmatic people do things more slowly and deliberately. I can clean up the kitchen quicker than Dave can, but he will do it better because he’s more precise in what he does.
We have twenty people in our immediate family. That includes Dave and me, our four children and their spouses, and ten grandchildren. We are close and spend a lot of time together, yet we have a wide variety of personalities among the twenty of us. My two sons and I are full-on choleric, and all three of us are married to wonderful phlegmatic people. One of our daughters is phlegmatic, as well as two sons-in-law and one grandson. Of course other family members possess even different blends of personality. One daughter is melancholy, sanguine, and choleric. My point is that we have quite a variety of people who all view things differently and need different things to sense fulfillment.
My daughter who is melancholy requires compliments from her phlegmatic husband, who frequently forgets to give them. He thinks she is beautiful but might not even think to make the effort to say so. They have discussed this several times, and he finally started making reminder notes on his calendar. The more laid-back, emotionless person needs to find ways to remind himself to do what needs to be done. There have been plenty of times in my life when I have had to actually make notes in my journal reminding myself to not talk too much or to mind my own business or to not come across as controlling. If the loud, more aggressive people have to tone it down a bit, I think it is only fair for the quiet, less emotional, and nonaggressive people to find ways to stir themselves up. I can look at a very nonaggressive person and think, Do you even have a pulse? and of course they do; it just beats a little slower than mine does.
Many marriages fail because people won’t make an effort to give their spouse what he or she needs. We tend to think that if we don’t need something, then nobody does. Or if a person does have a need that is different from our own, we tend to belittle that need. That kind of attitude is one of the quickest ways to ruin a relationship. Thank God that in our family we’ve learned and are still learning that everyone’s needs are valid—even if a need is hard to understand or difficult for us to meet.
Love demands that we all be willing to grow and change. That process is a bit more difficult for people who are more laid-back and easygoing. Changing takes work, and sometimes they just don’t want to make the effort or even see the need. To be honest, I reached a point in life where I became weary of thinking I needed to be less aggressive, while all the people who appeared to me to have no pulse were applauded for never making any waves. If your personality is phlegmatic, you might want to make more of an effort to participate in what is going on around you and be enthusiastic about it. If you are really, really quiet, you might want to make an effort to speak up a bit more, even if it is not the most comfortable thing for you. Your talking more is not any harder than my talking less! Try to get excited along with the people you care about who are enthusiastic about their latest plan or project. It is one of the ways you can show love.
I remember coming home with excitement about my latest goal or plan and feeling like Dave threw ice water on all my enthusiasm. His response was more logical, but it was not good for our relationship. He may have needed to balance me out a bit, but I needed him to join me in my dream. He has learned to do so, and I have learned not to have a new dream or goal four times a day. One day he said, “You are the visionary and I am the pro-visionary,” so we look at things from two different angles. I sometimes think about just my enthusiasm for completing the goal, but Dave has to think about how we are going to achieve it. God said that when a man and a woman are married, the two will become one flesh, but He never said it would be easy. Good relationships require a lot of hard work, education, and willingness to meet each other’s needs.
The truth is that more-aggressive people care about a lot of things that less-aggressive people don’t care about at all. We eat out often, and frequently out of respect I will ask one of my easygoing family members where they would like to eat or what they would like to eat. And they usually say, “It doesn’t matter; I don’t care what I eat.” This amazes me because I always care where and what I eat and cannot fathom a person not caring what they eat. I know to the exact teaspoonful how much cream I want in my coffee and what temperature it should be. I would never say, “Just give me coffee with some cream, please.” I would say, “Coffee with cream on the side so I can put it in myself.”
I love going to Starbucks because they have great customer service. They will customize your coffee order so it is precisely what you want, and if they make it wrong, they are usually happy to do it again. My order has morphed over the years and goes something like this: “A large coffee, and could you make a fresh pot? I would like it in this double-wall insulated cup that I brought in with me, and I need hot water on the side and half-and-half in another cup. I would like the coffee extra hot.” While I am waiting for my order I hear many people say, “Coffee, please.” I can’t imagine making it that simple. A lot of people order in the drive-through, but that is something I would never do because I want to watch my order being made so I know I am getting exactly what I want. I cannot imagine not caring!
I love the stability and adaptability of the less-aggressive members of our family, and I desperately need them. If all twenty of us were like my two sons and me, we might kill one another. The bottom line of what I am trying to say is that we all need one another and should appreciate the relationships God gives us.
I know people who can wear the same outfit twice a week every week for ten years and not care, but I won’t wear the same pajamas two nights in a row. I need a lot of variety, but our beloved phlegmatic people just don’t care. My phlegmatic daughter sleeps in an old undershirt, but I want to look cute when I go to bed. She doesn’t care what she looks like in bed, but I care what I look like everywhere!
If we can learn which battles to fight and which ones to leave alone, we might win the war. For example, although God has changed me a lot, I will probably always be a little bossy. Dave knows that, so he doesn’t fight the battle of trying to change me. He knows my heart and lets me be who I am. In restaurants I sometimes (actually quite often) suggest what he might want to eat. I am so good at making decisions that I thoroughly enjoy making them for everyone. He listens to me, and if my suggestion suits him he orders it, and if it doesn’t he just gets what he wants. He could get upset and tell me to stop trying to tell him what to do and then I could get my feelings hurt, and we could waste an entire day being angry at each other, but we have learned that type of behavior is useless. We’ve gotten to the point where our differences amuse us rather than upset us.
Instead of resenting the fact that people are not like us and trying to change them, we should strive to get along and trust God to change what needs to be changed in each of us.
Even when you think someone has no pulse, I can assure you they do. It just beats a bit slower than other people’s. Loving people unconditionally is the greatest gift we can give them and ourselves. I have learned that one of the secrets to my own personal peace is letting people be who God made them to be, rather than trying to make them be who I would like them to be. I do my best to enjoy their strengths and be merciful toward their weaknesses because I have plenty of my own. I don’t need to try to take the speck out of their eye while I have a telephone pole in my own.
A woman I know was widowed not long ago, and she was telling me about her relationship with her husband. This woman is pretty strong-willed and likes things to go her way. She told me that when she was first married, she noticed a lot of things about her husband that annoyed her. Like any good wife, she told her husband about his annoying traits and habits so he could change.
Gradually it dawned on her that although she was very good about telling her husband all the things about him that needed to change, he never returned the favor! As she wondered why, she realized that somewhere along the line, her husband had made a decision not to look at—or for—her flaws. He knew she had plenty! But he wasn’t going to focus on them. It occurred to her that she could continue to point out all his annoying traits—or she could choose not to. Just as her husband had done.
At the end of our conversation, she told me that in the twelve years they were married, her husband never said an unkind word to her. I think we can all take a lesson from that.
Casting the whole of your care [all your anxieties, all your worries, all your concerns, once and for all] on Him, for He cares for you affectionately and cares about you watchfully.
(1 Peter 5:7)
Obeying this scripture is a bit more difficult for those of us who care about most everything and a lot easier for those blessed and less-emotional people. Because I care about most things in life and want them to go a certain way, my care can easily turn into worry if I am not careful. God has worked in and with me for years, and I can honestly say that I rarely ever worry now, but it took me a long time to learn not to try to do something about things I could not do anything about.
For example, I really can’t do anything about what people think of me, so being overly concerned about it is a total waste of time and energy. My husband certainly does not care what people think of him. On occasion when I have asked him how he feels about some negative thing someone has said about us, he tells me he doesn’t feel anything, but instead he just trusts God to take care of it. I have gotten very upset at times when unkind articles have been written about me in the newspapers or we have been judged unfairly, but Dave just says, “Cast your care.”
We have had a lot of arguments in the past over that statement. I want him to share my feelings, but he really can’t because he simply isn’t bothered by the things that bother me. I know he is right when he tells me to cast my care, but since I am already in the midst of caring, that is not the answer I want. Thankfully, God has helped me and continues to do so, and Dave has been a good example to me. But I have to work at not caring more than he does.
If you are a more emotional person, I’m sure the less emotional people in your life have frustrated you at times. Nothing seems to bother them and lots of things bother you. I get it! I have been there and I do know how you feel, but I have also lived long enough to realize that living by feelings is a big mistake. It is true that the best way to live is to learn to cast your care and let God care for you.
Decision and confession: With God’s help I can get along with and adapt well to all kinds of people.