Do not [for a moment] be frightened or intimidated in anything by your opponents and adversaries, for such [constancy and fearlessness] will be a clear sign (proof and seal) to them of [their impending] destruction, but [a sure token and evidence] of your deliverance and salvation, and that from God.
(Philippians 1:28)
Learning to act according to God’s Word is much better than reacting emotionally to circumstances. It is admittedly not always easy, but it is possible; otherwise, God would not have instructed us to do so. In this chapter I want to examine four different areas. I encourage you to ask yourself honestly how you respond to them emotionally. The scripture above is one of Dave’s favorites, and he quotes it often. If we can remain constant during the ever-changing tides of life and the unwanted circumstances life brings, we will please God and find that He always delivers us.
Everything changes except God, and letting all the changes in our lives upset us won’t keep them from occurring. People change, circumstances change, our bodies change, our desires and passions change. One certainty in life is change. We don’t mind change if we invite it, but when it comes uninvited, our emotions can easily flare up.
John worked for an investment company for thirty-two years and was sure he would retire from that company. Without warning, the company decided to sell to a larger firm, whose management decided they didn’t want to keep a lot of the employees, and John lost his job. He feels that he wasn’t treated fairly when he was let go. Now what? John has a choice to make. He can either react emotionally by getting upset, stressed out, anxious, angry, and worried, feeling and saying lots of negative things. Or he can act on God’s Word and trust God to be his vindicator and source of supply for every need. It is totally understandable that John has these emotions, but if he chooses to react based on his feelings, then he will be miserable and possibly make the other people in his life miserable. If he chooses to make decisions based on God’s Word, however, he can make the transition with far less turmoil. Would his anger dissipate right away? Probably not. But if John truly gives his care over to God, his feelings will calm down and he can be confident that God will continue to work in his life, bringing justice for the injustice done to him.
Most changes take place without our permission. But we can choose to adapt. If we refuse to make the transition in our minds and attitudes, then we are making a huge mistake. Our refusal to adapt doesn’t change the circumstances, but it does steal our peace and joy. Remember, if you can’t do anything about it, then cast your care and let God take care of you.
For quite some time, Dave has met some of his friends a couple of times a year to play golf for three days. It has been something he really enjoys, but over the past couple of years he has found it necessary to make some changes. There was a time when he and his friends played fifty-four holes of golf for two days and then thirty-six holes the last day, but those days are past. It has become harder physically for him to do that. He’s in great physical shape, but nonetheless, he is seventy years old and very simply doesn’t have the same level of endurance he once had.
While I was writing this book, Dave and his friends went to Florida for one of their trips. When Dave returned home he said to me, “This was the last time I’m doing this.” He told me how much hassle and effort it was to get there, and that by the second day his back was tight and he had to ride in the cart and not play part of the time. In addition to that, he was wearing a knee brace because one of his knees was bothering him. He said he would have rather been home. His body is changing, so he mentally transitioned. He told me, “I will still be able to play, but now I will just do it a different way. The guys can come to St. Louis so I don’t have to travel because they are younger than me. We can play thirty-six holes instead of fifty-four the first two days and eighteen holes the last day.” That still sounds pretty intense to me, but for him it was a big change. His body is changing, and he is changing with it and keeping a good attitude about it.
Dave could have had a “male ego episode” and refused to admit that he was not able to do the golf trips anymore in the same way he has always done them. He could have gotten upset and decided he didn’t like getting older and all that goes with it. But instead he acted on God’s Word and made the transition gracefully. He realizes the day will come when he may need to make more changes, and he has already set his mind that when it does come, he will do so with a good attitude.
Since Dave enjoys his golf tremendously, I asked him how he would handle it if for some reason he could not play anymore, and his answer was amazing. He said, “I would probably be disappointed, but I would remember all the years I did get to play and be thankful for that. I would adapt and find something else to do.”
Readily adjust yourself to [people, things] and give yourselves to humble tasks. Never overestimate yourself or be wise in your own conceits.
(Romans 12:16)
In the previous chapter we discussed adapting to the different personalities we encounter in life. Now we are discussing adapting to changing circumstances that we cannot do anything about. How we respond emotionally determines how much peace and joy we have. Our thoughts are the first thing we need to deal with during change, because thoughts directly affect emotion. When circumstances change, make the transition mentally, and your emotions will be a lot easier to manage. If something changes that you are not ready for and did not choose, you will more than likely have a variety of emotions about it, but by acting on God’s Word and not merely reacting to the situation, you will be able to manage your emotions instead of allowing them to manage you.
If you have read my other books or watched me on television, you already know that I strongly recommend confessing the Word of God out loud. Even though what you confess may be the opposite of how you feel, keep doing it. God’s Word has inherent power to change your feelings. God’s Word also brings comfort to us and quiets our distraught emotions. If you haven’t read my previous book Power Thoughts, I recommend that you do. It gives an in-depth understanding of the power of our thoughts and words over circumstances and emotions.
How do you respond to change? Do you act on God’s Word or merely react to the situation? After the initial shock, are you willing to make a transition mentally and emotionally?
Disappointment occurs when our plans are thwarted by something we had no control over. We can be disappointed by unpleasant circumstances or by people who let us down. We may feel disappointment with God when we’ve been expecting Him to do something and He doesn’t. There are even times when we are disappointed in ourselves. Absolutely nobody gets everything they want all the time, so we need to learn how to deal properly with disappointment.
When we are disappointed, our emotions initially sink, and then sometimes they flare up in anger. After some time goes by and we have thoroughly expressed our anger, we may feel the sinking of emotions again. We feel down, negative, discouraged, and depressed. The next time you are disappointed, pay attention to the activity of your emotions, but instead of letting them take the lead, make the decision to manage them. There is nothing unusual or wrong about initial feelings of disappointment, but it is what we do from that point forward that makes all the difference in the world.
I learned long ago that with God on our side, even though we will experience disappointments in life, we can always get “reappointed.” If you or I have a doctor’s appointment and he has an emergency and has to cancel, we simply make another appointment. Life can be that way too. Trusting that God has a good plan for us, and that our steps are ordered by Him, is the key to preventing disappointment from turning into despair.
A man’s mind plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps and makes them sure.
(Proverbs 16:9)
Man’s steps are ordered by the Lord. How then can a man understand his way?
(Proverbs 20:24)
These two scriptures have stabilized my emotions many times when I was in a hurry to get somewhere and found myself at a standstill in traffic on the highway. Initially, I get a sinking feeling, then I get aggravated, and then I say, “Well, since my steps are ordered by the Lord, I will calm down and thank God that I am right where He wants me.” I also remind myself that God may be saving me from an accident farther down the road by keeping me where I am. Trusting God is absolutely wonderful because it soothes our wild thoughts and emotions when things don’t go the way we had planned.
How do you react when you get disappointed? How long does it take for you to make a transition and get reappointed? Are you acting on the Word of God or merely reacting emotionally to the circumstance? Are you controlled by what is around you, or by Jesus, who lives inside you?
If we don’t ask ourselves questions and answer them honestly, we will spend our entire lives never truly knowing ourselves. Remember, only the truth will make you free (see John 8:32).
Trusting God completely and believing that His plan for you is infinitely better than your own will prevent you from being disappointed with God. It is impossible to be miffed at someone you really believe has your best interest in mind. When you are angry you want to lash out at someone, but it is unwise to make God your target. He is the only One who can help you and truly comfort you; therefore, it is much better to run to Him in your pain than away from Him.
We expect certain things and behaviors from ourselves, and when we fail to live up to those standards, it’s easy to get angry with ourselves. For some people, that anger is deep-seated and long-standing. It is good to have high expectations of yourself, but not unrealistic ones. Perfectionists especially have problems in this area. They want to be perfect—and they never will be. We can be perfect in heart, but we won’t arrive at perfection in our performance as long as we are in flesh-and-blood bodies. Thankfully, we can grow spiritually and learn to behave better, but I want to encourage you to learn how to celebrate even your small victories instead of being angry with yourself. It is only natural to feel disappointed in ourselves when we fail, but once again we need to not let the disappointment turn into a deeper problem. Get reappointed by reminding yourself that God loves you unconditionally and is changing you little by little. Look at your progress instead of how far you have to go.
We all disappoint ourselves at times. A few years ago I behaved very badly in a relationship, and to this day I am still sorry about the way I acted. I was working with someone and our personalities did not blend well at all. After trying for several years to make it work, I finally realized that I needed to make a change for both our sakes. I kept putting it off because I didn’t want to hurt the other person. The longer I waited, the more her weaknesses irritated me, and I am sure mine irritated her. Because I felt trapped, it made me angry, and I reacted to the way I felt instead of taking proper action and doing what I knew I really needed to do.
I thought my reason for the procrastination was noble: I just didn’t want to hurt her. But no matter how noble my motive was, I was still disobeying the Holy Spirit’s leading, and that always ends up bad. When the relationship ended, it was not pretty, and I know we both regretted it. I did all I knew to do to make things right, but it was one of those situations that simply could not be fixed and I felt really bad about it.
It took me awhile, but I finally received God’s forgiveness and made every effort to learn from my mistake. Let me assure you that staying angry with yourself because you failed won’t do any good. Are you disappointed with yourself? If you are, then right now is the time to let it go and get reappointed. It is time to stop living by how you feel.
Let endurance and steadfastness and patience have full play and do a thorough work, so that you may be [people] perfectly and fully developed [with no defects], lacking in nothing.
(James 1:4)
If you have not developed patience, then having to wait may bring out the worst in you. At least that was the case with me until I finally realized my emotional reactions were not making things go faster. The Vines Greek Dictionary states that patience is a fruit of the Spirit that grows only when we are subjected to trials. We would all like to be patient, but we don’t want to develop patience because that means behaving well while we are not getting what we want. And that’s hard!
Some people are naturally more patient than others due to their temperament, but I have found that even very patient people have at least a few things that irritate them more than others. As you may have guessed, Dave is very patient. Waiting does not bother him all that much. He would be fine in the traffic jam on the highway, unless of course it was going to make him late for his golf tee time. He is a bit impatient with drivers on the road who do things he is sure he would never do. But since his personality is easygoing and adaptable, waiting isn’t that hard for him. It was however, very hard for me for many years. I finally realized that God consistently allowed me to be put in situations where I had no choice but to wait, and He did it so I could develop patience.
Patience is extremely important for people who want to glorify God and enjoy their lives. If one is impatient, the situations they encounter in life will certainly cause them to react emotionally. The next time you have to wait on something or someone, instead of just reacting, try talking to yourself a little. You might think, Getting upset will not make this go any faster, so I might as well enjoy the wait. Then perhaps say out loud, “I am developing patience as I wait so I am thankful for this situation.” By doing that, you will be acting on the Word of God rather than reacting to the unpleasant circumstance.
Each time we exercise patience, we strengthen it, just as we develop our muscles each time we exercise them. I get sore when I exercise, and it hurts, but I know it is helping me. We can look at exercising patience the same way. Don’t merely think about how hard and frustrating it is, but think about how peaceful you will be when waiting never bothers you.
Do you wait well? How do you act when you’re working with someone who is really slow at what they are trying to do? How does getting caught in a traffic jam affect you? What if someone takes the parking space you have been waiting for? The more intensely we want something, the more our emotions will act up if we do not get it. Sometimes what we want is simply more important to us than it should be, and we need to realize that and not behave childishly. Common sense tells us that it is rather foolish to get into a rage over a parking space or some of the other simple things people tend to get upset about. What situations are difficult for you? How do you behave emotionally when you have to wait? On a scale of 1 to 10, how well do you handle yourself when things don’t go your way? I have found that honest answers to questions like these are helpful in making progress toward managing our emotions.
How do you react to people who are rude? Do you respond in love as the Word says we should, or do you join them in their ungodly behavior? Not one of us appreciates irritable and irritating people. One definition of rudeness is being abrupt and unpleasantly forceful. I think there are a lot of people in the world like that today, largely because of the stressful lives most people live. People are trying to do too much in too little time and have more responsibility than they can realistically handle.
When a clerk in a store is rude to me, I can instantly feel my emotions start to rise up. As I said earlier, emotions rise up and then move out, wanting us to follow them. When I feel that, I know I need to take action. I have to reason with myself and remember that the person being rude probably has a lot of problems and she may not even realize how she sounds. I certainly remember lots of times in my life when people asked me why I was being so harsh and I didn’t even realize that I was. I just had a lot going on and felt pressured, so the pressure escaped in harsh voice tones. That did not excuse my bad behavior, but it was the root of the problem.
I am very thankful that I know the Word of God and have Him in my life to help and comfort me. But I try to remember that a lot of people in the world who are difficult to get along with don’t have that. I always want my behavior to be a witness for Christ and not something that would make Him ashamed of me. That being the case, I have had to work very hard with the Holy Spirit in developing the ability to act on the Word of God when people are rude instead of merely reacting to them with behavior that matches or tops theirs.
Jesus said that we have done nothing special if we treat people well who treat us well, but if we are kind to someone who would qualify as an enemy then we are doing well (see Luke 6:32–35).
This area is actually a very big one and presents a situation that we will deal with on and off throughout all our lives. People are everywhere, and not all of them are pleasant. So we must make a decision about how we are going to react toward them. Will you act on the Word of God and love them for His sake? Or will you merely react emotionally and end up perhaps acting worse than they act? Have you ever let a rude person ruin your day? Make a decision that you will not ever do that again because when you do, you are wasting some of the precious time that God has given you. When a day is gone, you can never get it back, so I urge you not to waste it being emotionally distraught over someone you may never even see again.
If you are in a situation that requires you to be with one of these hard-to-get-along-with people every day, I urge you to pray for them instead of reacting emotionally to them. Our prayers open a door for God to work through. Sometimes when we pray, God will lead us to confront a person like that. I am not saying we just have to put up with the person’s bad behavior, but remember that confrontation should still be done in the spirit of love.
Decision and confession: I can patiently wait for the things I want in life, trusting God to bring them in His timing.