The three most harmful negative emotions are anger, guilt, and fear. And anger is number one. It is also the strongest and most dangerous of all passions. When a crime is described as being one of passion, that means it was fueled by anger. Anger is such a dangerous emotion that people end up in prison because of what it causes them to do! While we need to take everything the Bible teaches very seriously, clearly it’s important to pay special attention to what God tells us about anger and how to handle it.
Anger manifests itself in different ways. One type of anger is characterized by quickly blazing up and then subsiding just as quickly. Another type tends to settle in and take root; like a low-grade virus, it lingers in the mind and waits for the perfect opportunity to take revenge. Another type of anger provokes us to take quick action. Anger can manifest in yelling, hitting, damaging, or otherwise bringing harm to its focus. Anger criticizes, withdraws, ridicules, humiliates, despises, teases, and puts down; it disrespects, rebels, and may even turn around and take on the role of victim. Some people bury their anger, but like a volcano, anger can stay under the surface for only so long. One way or another, it will emerge.
Some people become irritated by the slightest inconvenience, while others seem to stay calm no matter what happens. These differences are due partly to the temperament we each are born with and partly to the circumstances we encounter in the early years of our lives while our personalities are being formed.
Although we cannot use “personality type” as an excuse for a bad temper, it is wise to realize that different people do handle conflict differently. Dave rarely gets upset about anything (except while he’s driving). If he encounters a really grouchy waitress or clerk, instead of getting angry because they are rude to him, he teases them and tries to get them in a good mood. But if someone is rude to me, I’m more likely to feel anger rising and be tempted to tell them what I think of their behavior. That is exactly what I did for years until I learned how to manage my emotions. I’m not always successful, but at least I succeed more than I fail, and the good news is that I am still growing.
I’ve often thought it unfair that I have to work so hard at controlling myself, while for Dave, control seems to come naturally. But we all have strengths and weaknesses in different areas. Complaining about our differences doesn’t change them. You have to play the hand you are dealt. Take what you have and do the best you can with it.
Many Christians are confused about anger. They think that as godly individuals they should never get angry. They wonder why they keep having to deal with anger when it’s something they don’t want to feel. Anger can be an involuntary response whether we want to feel it or not. A person with damaged emotions from past trauma or abuse may, and probably will, respond in a self-protective mode and display anger more easily than someone who was never mistreated. Thankfully, through God’s help those damaged emotions can be healed, and we can learn to have more balanced and reasonable responses to people, things, and situations.
Not all anger is a sin, but some of it is. The Bible speaks of a righteous anger that even God Himself has. It is anger against sin, injustice, rebellion, pettiness, and other such things.
God’s Word says, “When angry, do not sin” (Eph. 4:26); and Proverbs 16:32 says, “He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, he who rules his [own] spirit than he who takes a city.” I recall one morning as I was preparing to go to preach, Dave and I got into an argument. I was studying and he said something to me that made me blaze up quickly with anger. We said some unkind words to each other and then he left for work. I continued to think angry thoughts and have angry feelings. Then my anger turned into guilt and I started thinking, How can I possibly go to church and tell others how to conduct their lives according to Scripture if I cannot control my anger? The feelings of guilt not only continued but they intensified. As the pressure mounted, I started to feel almost frantic when suddenly I heard God whisper in my heart, Anger is not a sin; it is what you do with it that becomes sin. That was one of the first lessons God gave me in understanding that emotions cannot be expected to merely go away because we have become Christians, but rather we are to learn how to manage them.
Ephesians goes on to say, “Do not ever let your wrath (your exasperation, your fury or indignation) last until the sun goes down” (4:26). When we do hold on to anger, it gives the devil a foothold in our lives (see v. 27). This scripture has been life-changing for me by helping me learn more about emotions and what to do with them.
What is the difference between apparently innocent emotions that are just a part of life and emotions that are sinful? Unacceptable and sinful anger is that which motivates us to hurt our fellow human being. When we want to lash out vengefully and inflict pain on others, we are definitely out of God’s will. Not even the injustice of others gives us the right to inflict pain on them. God says clearly that vengeance is His, and our position is to be one of faith in Him, waiting patiently and lovingly as He works justice in our lives. When Jesus was about to be captured prior to His crucifixion, Peter took out his sword and cut off a soldier’s ear. Jesus rebuked him and healed the man’s ear. Peter seemed to be justified in his actions, but Jesus condemned his behavior.
Peter was given to fits of temper and was rather emotional, so anger was his natural response to things he did not like or did not feel were right. Even a short study of the life of Peter reveals his emotional nature, but God allowed him to see his own shortcomings and the problems they caused and Peter was eventually changed.
Moses lost a privilege he had looked forward to for years due to uncontrolled anger. In Numbers 20:1–12 we see that he reacted emotionally in anger toward the Israelites one time too many, and God told him he would not be permitted to take them into the Promised Land.
I can understand Moses’ anger, because leading the Israelites through the wilderness and listening to incessant complaining would have made me angry too. But to whom much is given, much is required. Moses was given a privilege above other men, and he was expected to manage his emotions.
Controlling the passion of anger, especially if you have an aggressive and outspoken nature, can be one of the more challenging things you will face in life, but controlling it is certainly possible with God’s help. Remember that a man who controls his anger is said to be strong enough to conquer an entire city (see Prov. 16:32).
Will you make a decision not to let anger control you and your actions?
Nothing justifies an attitude of hatred. I admit that I hated my father passionately for many, many years. That hatred did not change my father or make him pay for his wrongdoing, but it did poison me. It took away my peace and my joy, and my sin of hatred separated me from the intimate presence of God.
First John 4:20 reads: “He who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, Whom he has not seen.” We cannot maintain love for God and hatred for man in our heart at the same time. When God tells us to forgive our enemies, it is for our own benefit.
We may have been cruelly treated and have every reason to hate someone, but we have no right to. No one was more unjustly treated than Jesus, and yet He asked God to forgive His tormentors, saying they did not know what they were doing (see Luke 23:34). The Bible says they hated Jesus without a cause (see John 15:25). That has always seemed very sad to me. He came for only one purpose, and that was to help and bless humankind, and they hated Him because He was good and they were evil.
John tells us that hatred in our hearts is equivalent to murder (see 1 John 3:15).
The Bible speaks of righteous anger, which is anger against all sin and everything that offends God. Abuse and injustice of all kinds make me angry. I get angry at the devil when I see children starving in India, Asia, Africa, and other places I have traveled to for mission outreaches.
Even God has righteous anger! God got angry when He saw the hardness of His people’s hearts (see Mark 3:5). Thankfully, His anger is for a moment, but His favor is for a lifetime (see Psalm 30:5). Even though God is slow to anger, I am sure there are many injustices in this world that do make Him angry. I am certainly glad He manages His emotions, aren’t you?
Although righteous anger is not a sin, what we do with it can become sin. I am very angry at the devil, but I have discovered that the only way to get him back for the evil he does is by doing good myself. Good is the one thing that Satan, the personification of evil, cannot stand. I always say, “If you want to give the devil a nervous breakdown, just get up every day and see how much good you can do.”
Uncontrolled anger, even righteous anger, can quickly turn into rage, and that is dangerous. For example, people who are angry concerning abortion laws, or prayer being taken out of school, or the loss of Christian rights that is prevalent today feel righteous anger, but even that can be displayed improperly. We are all aware of Christians who have done great harm to others because of uncontrolled rage over an injustice. But remember, we are to speak the truth in love, not in rage. That doesn’t mean we can’t be strong as we speak out against injustice, but any lack of control will only open a door for the devil—and this is particularly true when it comes to anger. We must remember—and obey—what the Bible says: “Don’t let the sun set on your anger!” (see Eph. 4:26).
Anger that is expressed inappropriately is a problem, but so is repressed anger. Anger that is stuffed inside and not dealt with properly will eventually come out one way or another. It may show up in depression, anxiety, rage, or any of a variety of other negative emotions—but it will come out. It can even manifest in sickness and disease. If we don’t deal with our anger quickly, we will eventually either explode or implode.
If we don’t deal with our anger quickly, we will eventually either explode or implode.
The right way to express anger is to talk to God. Tell Him all about the way you feel and ask Him to help you manage the feelings properly. We have not because we ask not! (See James 4:2.) Talk to a professional or a mature friend if necessary, but do not pretend you’re not angry when you are. That’s not managing your emotions—that is ignoring them, and it is dangerous.
One thing that helps me deal properly with anger is to realize that sometimes God permits people to irritate me in order to help me grow in patience and unconditional love. None of the fruit of the Spirit develops without something to make us exercise them. Ouch! I wish I could magically have all these wonderful fruit working full force in my life without any effort on my part, but that is just not the way it works. The offending person’s bad behavior is not right, but God often uses them as sandpaper in our lives, to polish our rough edges. He is more concerned about changing our characters than He is about changing our circumstances to make them all comfortable for us. God promises deliverance if we trust Him, but the timing is in His hands.
If I get angry when someone does something to me that’s wrong, is my anger any less wrong than the wrong they committed? I think not. Sometimes their wrongdoing merely exposes my weakness and I am able to repent and ask God to help me overcome it. Be determined to get something good out of every trial you face in life, and don’t ever let the sun go down on your anger.
This is a good time to ask yourself if you are angry about anything or at anyone, and if your answer is yes, then you can begin controlling that emotion right now.
Some of the explosive people we encounter in life are actually people who are full of anger over something they have buried and refused to deal with. Even they may not understand why they feel so angry all the time. They are like time bombs ticking away, just waiting for someone or something to set them off. They explode at the slightest provocation, and quite often their anger seems extreme for the situation they are dealing with.
Melody’s mother was mentally ill, and she frequently locked her in the closet for punishment. Some days she spent more time in the dark closet than she did in the house. This abuse left Melody very angry, but not knowing how to deal with her anger, she simply left home when she was old enough to do so and tried to forget the whole thing. That sounds good; after all, we are instructed in God’s Word to let go of what lies behind. However, that does not mean to avoid dealing with it. Melody married at the age of nineteen because she was desperate to experience love, and she and her husband had three children within the first five years of their rather rocky relationship.
Melody was moody. She was either depressed or angry most of the time, and it seemed that everyone had to walk on eggshells, so to speak, to prevent setting her off. The atmosphere in the house was very tense. Melody frequently overreacted to minor situations. At dinner one evening, her daughter Katie, who was three years old, accidentally spilled her glass of milk at the table. Melody got up and threw her chair across the room as she ranted and raved on and on about how nobody in the house seemed to be able to do anything right. The meal was ruined for everyone. Her husband, James, left the house to prevent starting an argument with her and making things even worse, and the children sat at the table with fearful looks on their faces, crying and wondering what Mama would do next.
Melody was always sorry shortly after her explosions, and she tried to make up for her bad behavior by doing something nice for the children, but the guilt she felt because she could not control herself was almost overwhelming. She didn’t know what to do, so she did nothing. Eventually, her depression became so bad that she was advised to see a psychiatrist. Thankfully, the one she went to was a Christian in addition to being a great counselor, and he was able to help Melody see that deep down inside she was still very angry about the way her mother had treated her, and this was causing all her emotional problems. He helped her face the truth, forgive her mother, and learn how to control her emotions.
Melody’s story ended well, but there are hundreds of thousands of people in the world like Melody who are emotional time bombs just waiting to explode. Sadly, they may spend their entire lives being miserable and ruining relationships because they never deal with the root of their problem.
Although there are very serious situations like Melody’s that require a lot of time to heal, there are also things we deal with daily. Each day we may have an opportunity to be offended or to not take the offense. Some psychologists teach that we need to express all our anger, but according to God’s Word, there are many things that we need to just let go of.
One teacher wrote the following on her classroom blackboard: “Hatred is stored-up anger; therefore, it is a loving thing to get mad.” That is a ridiculous thing to teach children. It would be much better to teach them to forgive. Surely the types of offenses the children were dealing with daily did not warrant a “let your anger come out session.” Some psychologists tell people when they are angry to pound on a table or hit something until they feel they have released their anger. I don’t see any such suggestions in the Bible, and I think if I pounded a table when I was angry, all I would get would be a sore hand. If these are the types of things we are learning and teaching our children, it is not surprising that our society is so dangerous today. It is sad indeed when we have to offer special classes to teach people how to handle road rage! Or when we have to fear that someone may walk up and shoot us because they are angry about the way their life has gone.
Since God’s Word tells us not to let the sun set on our anger, surely God expects us simply to let some things go. As we navigate life, we will need to be generous in mercy in order not to be angry most of the time. In the Amplified Bible we learn that to forgive means to “let it drop (leave it, let it go)” (Mark 11:25). That plan sounds pretty good to me. We must learn to choose our battles wisely in life because there are far too many to fight them all. Sometimes God still says, as He did to the Israelites, “The battle is not yours, but God’s” (2 Chron. 20:15).
How can you know when to express anger and when to just let it go? I can only tell you what works for me. My first line of defense is to give it to God—to simply let it go and trust Him to do what is right. If the issue keeps bothering me for more than a few days, I will talk to Dave or perhaps one of my children in the hope that just getting it out in the open will bring release. I don’t talk to them in a spirit of gossip or criticism, but I do it to get the help that I need. Sometimes another person can offer a different perspective on the situation that I am not seeing. If none of that works, then I start seeking God about whether or not He wants me to confront the person who has angered me. If I feel that He does, then I do it.
Sometimes it is best for the other person if you confront them, but I always want to make sure I am doing it for their good and not my carnal need to tell them off or try to change them. Rather, I express anger properly or give it to God. I am not repressing it. I have let it go and it is not festering in me, causing infection and damage to my soul.
When someone mistreats me, I initially feel angry, then I spend the next few minutes or hours, depending on the seriousness of the mistreatment, getting the emotion under control. I talk to myself and tell myself how foolish it is to let some unkind person ruin my day. I follow Scripture and pray for the person who hurt me. I try to believe the best of the person who offended me and try to get my mind off the offense and onto something more pleasant. I find within a short period of time the emotion is calming down. Obeying and meditating on the Word of God is medicine for our souls. It brings not only instruction but comfort in every situation.
As you can see, there are several ways we can deal with anger, but remember that we can’t express it in an unloving way, we can’t repress it, and we can’t ignore it. Anger is a real emotion, and we have to deal with it one way or another.
Have you ever heard the statement “Perception is reality”? If we perceive that we’re in jeopardy, then whether or not it’s actually true, we behave as if it’s true. And our behavior shapes the quality of our lives. We’ve all heard about people who lived like paupers, living out their final years without decent food, clothing, and shelter because they were worried about finances. Then after their deaths, it’s discovered that they were actually rich, sometimes with millions of dollars in savings accounts!
They lived in fear and desperation when they could have lived in luxury. They believed they were poor and lived accordingly.
How we perceive things is how we see them. In my childhood, I suffered abuse that made me feel the need to defend myself from emotional and physical attack. Because of that conditioning, those feelings and responses remained for many years into my adulthood. I frequently perceived that I was being attacked and needed to defend myself. But my life had changed! I married Dave, who is my biggest supporter and cheerleader. Imagine my surprise when he asked me one morning why I acted as if he were my enemy!
It took a long time for me to let the Holy Spirit work with me and teach me to judge things through the eyes of God, not the eyes of an abusive world. On that particular morning, Dave had expressed disagreement with me about something, and I received it as rejection. My anger flared and words began to fly. In those days I still had a shame-based nature and felt so bad about myself that if anyone disagreed with me or tried to correct me about anything, I always got upset.
I spent many years in confusion about anger because I didn’t understand the root of my problem. I would find myself angry and argumentative when I had initially intended to have a very simple discussion about something. Satan had a foothold in my life, and I needed revelation from God in order to see clearly. He taught me that I had a root of rejection in my life that manifested in anger, and that when people disagreed with my opinion, I took it personally as if they were rejecting me. I did not yet know how to separate my “who” from my “do.” If people didn’t agree with everything I did or said, I felt they were rejecting me.
I was preparing to go teach God’s Word that morning, and Satan saw an opportunity to create a disturbance by taking advantage of my weakness. He managed to start an argument between Dave and me, knowing it would leave me feeling guilty and condemned and prevent me from teaching God’s Word with confidence. But God came to my rescue! He showed me that the anger I felt just needed to be managed. I repented for the argument, called Dave and apologized, and went on to my meeting with peace.
Over the years, as God healed me from my past pain, I gradually felt less and less anger. But while He was healing me, God taught me that my anger was not sin if I controlled it. My emotions were damaged, and I often reacted the way a wounded animal would. Today, I rarely feel angry unless the threat or attack toward me is genuine.
God has given us the emotion of anger to let us know when we are being mistreated; kept under control, it is a good thing.
When angry, count to ten before you speak; if very angry, count to one hundred.
Horace
When angry, count to ten before you speak; if very angry, count to one hundred.
Horace
Maybe you’re thinking, I have so many strong emotions; how am I going to manage them all? I have found that God usually deals with me one issue at a time. By reading this book you are gaining an overall understanding of emotions and, hopefully, why you feel the way you feel at times. You are learning that you must first and foremost depend on God, then take action and be aggressive in your determination not to be a slave to your feelings. I frequently remind people that nothing changes just because you read a book. It’s what you do with the knowledge you gain from reading the book that will lead to change.
I realize that change is not always easy, and perhaps there will be times when you think, I just don’t know if I will ever get this right. But I assure you that if you will not give up, you will keep making progress, and eventually you will have many of your emotions trained and they simply will not be unruly. They will respond the same way a child does when we train them properly. The more we refuse to let our negative emotions rule us, the weaker they become, and eventually we just need to do daily maintenance.
I am not saying that you will never feel angry again, but the anger you do feel will be much easier to manage than it has been in the past. I can honestly say that twenty years ago I was very emotional and now I am very stable. I know from experience that the principles I am sharing with you will work wonderfully in your life if you diligently apply them. Always remember that gaining a victory is more difficult than maintaining it once you have it.
Decision and confession: I will not live as an angry person. I will deal with anger in a godly way.