It seems to me that the only thing we’re happy to lose is weight, and even that’s a painful process! Apart from that, loss is usually devastating. But like it or not, loss is an inescapable part of life, and we all experience it. It is during these times that we experience some of the most intense emotions. The word loss itself is often associated with major life events: the loss of a job, a marriage, a loved one. But loss isn’t confined to huge crises. We go through many losses, big and small, in the course of a normal life. Our children grow up and don’t need us the way they once did. We grow older and can no longer keep up the pace that we used to have.
The Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale, which measures the impact of major life events on one’s health, includes forty-one events that trigger significant stress. Every event is assigned a number of points, and when the sum of those points hits 150 or more, the risk of illness goes up dramatically. It’s interesting to note that eight of the top ten events are losses; the only two exceptions are marriage and marital reconciliation.
Even retirement, which is usually a wonderful time of life, involves the loss of a decades-long routine, a steady paycheck, and sometimes a sense of purpose.
| Life Event | Stress Points |
|---|---|
|
1. Death of a spouse 2. Divorce 3. Marital separation 4. Imprisonment 5. Death of a close family member 6. Personal injury or illness 7. Marriage 8. Dismissal from work 9. Marital reconciliation 10. Retirement |
100 73 65 63 63 53 50 47 45 45 |
What sets loss apart from other situations is that many losses are permanent, and while a loss may someday be followed by something else that is good, the loss itself cannot be undone. When a friendship ends, you may make another friend and enjoy the same activities you enjoyed with your old friend, but the original friendship is gone forever, unless the friendship can be reconciled. You can’t reminisce with your new friend about that great vacation your families took together or the time when the two of you ate at a restaurant, only to realize that neither of you had your wallet.
When a marriage ends, whether by divorce or death, that union is gone forever. While you may remarry and find great joy, perhaps even greater joy than before, the special things that made your relationship with your first husband unique are a thing of the past. While the memories will give you pleasure, they’re a pale substitute for the real thing.
Once a person loses his job, even if he gets a better one later on, the sting of having been told to “go away” remains for a long time.
In A Grace Disguised: How the Soul Grows Through Loss, Jerry Sittser describes his experience after his wife, his mother, and his young daughter were killed in a tragic car accident. In a split second, he had lost his parent, his helpmate, and his child.
Struggling to come to terms with the tragedy he’d been plunged into, he had a dream one night. He was running west, trying to catch the setting sun and feel its warmth and its light. But he was losing the race. As he followed behind, the sun was always in front of him, heading toward the horizon. No matter how fast he ran, the sun kept its distance. In the dream, he lost hope and collapsed in the darkness.
Later on, he was describing the dream to a friend, who pointed out to him that the fastest way to reach the sun and the light of day is not to head west, chasing after the setting sun, but to head east and plunge into the darkness until the sunrise comes.
“I discovered in that moment,” he said, “that I had the power to choose the direction my life would head, even if the only choice open to me, at least initially, was either to run from the loss or to face it as best I could. Since I knew that darkness was inevitable and unavoidable, I decided… to walk into the darkness rather than try to outrun it.”
The good news is that there is something waiting for you on the other side of loss. It may be a different job, it may be a different spouse, or it may be a new ability to empathize with others who are going through a situation similar to yours. But you do have a choice. You can move through your loss and come out on the other side. The decision to move forward doesn’t eliminate the emotions that we feel, but the emotions will subside as time goes by. It is important not to let our emotions control us during loss. It is best not to make rash decisions or sudden changes until we have had an opportunity to mentally adjust to the loss.
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross was the first to recognize that there are patterns of response to loss when she studied people’s experiences of death and dying in the 1970s. She learned that most people go through similar phases when they undergo a major loss, and while not everyone goes through all the stages, her findings provide a good road map of what to expect when we suffer loss. Let’s discuss each of the five stages of grief:
Susan had been a customer service manager at a large mail-order service organization for nine years. She had worked her way up in the company from the time she was twenty-two years old, receiving good reviews and consistent promotions along the way. As manager, she had come up with a way to limit customers’ waiting time on the phone to fifteen seconds or less, and she raised the efficiency of her department by 30 percent.
She was in the middle of working on a pilot program that would do away with recorded responses to customer calls entirely, and live operators were helping every inquiry.
Business was still down because of the recession, but news reports were beginning to say that the economy was turning around and things were looking up.
It was an average Thursday afternoon and the workday was winding down. When her boss called Susan into her office for their weekly meeting, Susan was ready to produce the latest figures, still improving, and possibly kick back for a few minutes and chat with her boss about their children, who were in the same grade.
The minute she walked into Renee’s office, Susan could tell there’d be no chatting that day. Renee looked upset. She offered Susan a cup of coffee and then told her that the company was cutting back; that they’d done everything possible to trim their budgets, but they were still losing money. Four managers were losing their jobs, and unfortunately, Susan was one of them. She could tie up loose ends the next day and then say good-bye to her colleagues. Renee was terribly sorry; it had nothing to do with Susan’s performance and everything to do with trying to keep the company afloat. Susan walked out of her boss’s office in a daze. At first she couldn’t believe it. Surely she was dreaming.
One minute life is good; the next, the world is turned upside down, and shock and surprise set in.
God has created us in such a way that our brains are very protective of us. The brain understands that sometimes we just can’t take in the reality of a big change; it would be too overwhelming to absorb everything at once. So it refuses to let all the impact hit us right away. I like to say that God has built us with shock absorbers like a car has that soften the impact when we hit a huge pothole in the road. During this stage, you feel numb, as if you’re sleepwalking. You may catch yourself just staring at the walls, unable to focus or do even everyday tasks. Out of the blue you’ll shake your head and say to no one in particular, “I just can’t believe it.”
Once the shock has begun to wear off, sadness sets in. Sometimes the pain is so intense that it emerges in physical symptoms. Fatigue, insomnia, loss of appetite, and even chest pain may occur. Waves of sadness roll over you like the ocean’s tide. Just when you think you’re feeling better, another one crashes up against you. Reading the Psalms can be very comforting at times like this.
This is the “Why me?” stage. It just isn’t fair! Susan thought time and again. She had worked hard and done a great job for her company. Surely there was another way they could have economized without cutting her job. Why hadn’t they cared enough to find a way to keep her?
Believe it or not, anger is a valuable part of the healing process. Unlike sadness, which is exhausting, anger energizes and propels us to move forward.
When angry, do not sin; do not ever let your wrath (your exasperation, your fury or indignation) last until the sun goes down.
(Ephesians 4:26)
I believe that anger is one of the most misunderstood emotions experienced by Christians. Many people believe it’s un-Christian to get angry, but the Bible doesn’t tell us not to get angry. Righteous anger is normal, unavoidable, and even healthy. But when anger bubbles and festers inside us, it creates all sorts of havoc in our minds and our bodies. It raises our blood pressure and can cause ulcers.
Many people believe it’s un-Christian to get angry, but the Bible doesn’t tell us not to get angry.
The Bible does tell us not to let the sun go down on our anger. In other words, it’s best to deal with anger quickly and decisively, and don’t let it control your actions.
Are you angry that your husband lost his job? That your mother is losing her health and strength? That your friend died? That’s okay. Be angry. But be angry and do not sin. Don’t blame God. Don’t speak ill of that former boss. Scream and throw a couple of pillows around (preferably while no one else is home). Then move on, because while your anger is natural, it isn’t going to change the situation. I strongly encourage talking to God openly during the entire crisis. Tell Him that you are angry and ask Him to help you handle your anger in an appropriate way.
After the shock, sadness, and anger have run their course, depression can set in. During depression, one’s overall sense of hope for the future has been lost. Life’s activities seem pointless, and a person often withdraws from connecting with friends and family. This is a normal response to loss, but if it persists for too long, it may be a good idea to see a counselor who specifically deals with the crisis experienced during major loss, or go and talk to someone who has experienced the same thing you have. A good friend of ours who is a pastor experienced the death of a son who was electrocuted under the platform in the church. To make matters worse, the accident resulted from faulty wiring that was installed by one of his church members. It took him and his wife a long time to recover from their loss, but now they help a lot of other people who have experienced the loss of a child.
Most of the time, depression born out of loss will gradually fade as the next stage comes into play. In the Psalms, David talked openly about feeling depressed, yet he refused to let the emotion control him (see Psalms 42:5–6, 11; 43:5). I would like to say again, be very careful of making major decisions during a bout of grief-induced depression. Any decisions are likely to be influenced by how you feel at the time and may not be what you will want at all when you have had time to heal.
After Susan lost her job, she went through the stages of grief over the course of several weeks. Slowly, she began to emerge from her feelings of shock and despair, and she realized that the world wasn’t coming to an end. While she had taken great pride in her achievements and identity as a customer service manager, she realized that her job was only one—albeit important—facet of who she was. She was still a wife, mother, daughter, and friend. She hadn’t lost her talent or her discipline or skills. She just needed to use them somewhere else. She updated her résumé and started looking for another job.
It took a few months, but Susan was able to find another position that utilized her skills… and her new company had a more generous vacation policy. By the time a couple of months had passed, Susan was happily ensconced in her new job.
I believe that when a major loss occurs, there is no place for it in our thinking. It is so shocking and painful that we simply don’t know how to think about it. The greater the loss, the longer it can take to heal. Time allows us to get mentally adjusted to the way things are now, and we can finally make plans for the future.
You cannot prevent the birds of sorrow from flying over your head, but you can prevent them from building nests in your hair.
Chinese Proverb
You cannot prevent the birds of sorrow from flying over your head, but you can prevent them from building nests in your hair.
My friend Lauren didn’t get married until she was forty-five. She would often joke that by the time she met her husband-to-be, she had a better chance of sighting Elvis than of meeting the love of her life. It soon became clear, though, that Bob was indeed the love of her life; she called him “her present from God.” Sometimes it was hard to believe that anyone could have such a wonderful marriage!
A little over a year ago, Bob went to the hospital for a routine gallbladder surgery. He’d been very tired and run down for several months, and Lauren was hopeful that after the surgery he’d get his old energy back and feel better than ever. A couple of days after getting home from the hospital, it was clear that something was still wrong with Bob. Lauren took him back to the hospital, where they found a “superbug” infection. While it was serious, there were antibiotics that could treat it, and Lauren was told that Bob would probably be able to come home in just a few days.
The next morning, Lauren’s phone rang at 6:00 a.m. It was the hospital, calling to tell her that Bob had gone “code blue” two times during the night, and he needed emergency major surgery to save his life. He made it through the surgery, but the infection had already attacked all his major organs. For a month he remained at death’s door, able to communicate with Lauren only once, when he opened his eyes and mouthed the words, “I love you.” After thirty-one days in the ICU, Bob died.
Lauren was devastated. She’d waited so long to marry, and now she was a widow at the age of fifty-five, after just ten years of marriage.
I recently sat down with Lauren and asked her to tell me about her experience during the year following Bob’s death. How did she cope? What did people do that was helpful? What wasn’t helpful? I asked her to give my readers some of the benefit of her experience of grief. While her experience is with death, I’ve noticed that each point applies to many kinds of loss. Here are some of the things she shared.
Lauren told me that after Bob died, she couldn’t imagine getting through the rest of her life without him. She told herself she just needed to get through the next year, which would be the hardest one, but that was too overwhelming. Little by little, she kept reducing the length of time she needed to get through in order to make it. A month was too daunting; even a week or a day felt like too much. Finally, she realized that all she had to do at any given moment was just keep breathing and eventually she would make it through. “Just keep breathing” became her motto.
I remember a time when I experienced a major loss and I kept saying, “Just get up and put one foot in front of the other.” I felt I needed to just keep moving so I didn’t sink into the despair I felt.
After Bob died, Lauren wanted to run away. Bob had spent two years lovingly renovating their home, and everywhere Lauren looked, she saw evidence of Bob. In fact, she had often referred to their house as Bob’s love letter to her. She feared that the house would become more of a prison than a home. Lauren had also been thinking about changing jobs during the previous year. She found herself thinking about quitting her job and moving to a new city. Perhaps it was time to start over.
Early on, Lauren decided not to do anything for a year. She stayed in the house and continued working, and by the time a year had passed, she’d found that her house was a comforting place full of wonderful memories. She eventually did leave her job, but by then her thinking was clearer, and she was able to make a smooth transition to a working environment that was better for her.
It’s okay to cry. In fact, crying is good for you. Dr. William Frey, a highly respected biochemist, led a research team that studied tears for fifteen years. They discovered that tears shed for emotional reasons are made up of different chemicals than tears that are caused by irritants or by peeling onions. The emotional tears contain toxins from the body that onion-generated tears do not contain. They concluded that chemicals that accumulate in the body during times of stress are removed from the body inside tears of sadness. Not only that, but they contain high quantities of a hormone that is one of the best indicators of stress. Suppressing those tears actually contributes to physical diseases that are aggravated by stress, including high blood pressure, heart problems, and peptic ulcers. And did you know that only humans can weep? All animals produce tears to lubricate their eyes, but only people cry because they are upset or sad.
Lauren told me that during the first few months of grieving, she would routinely get into her car and go for a “crying ride.” She’d close the windows, drive down the highway, and let herself wail, scream, and cry (not to worry, she said; she could always see the road). She told me that the emotional and physical release was palpable, and that she always felt some relief by the time she pulled back into her driveway. After each big cry (on the road or at home), Lauren would tell herself that she was one good cry closer to healing, which made her feel like she was making progress.
Many of us tend to put other people’s interests ahead of our own. Lauren realized that it was very important for her to cut herself more slack than usual and to pamper herself. She decided to get a massage every week and be good to herself in general. If she didn’t feel like cleaning the house on a Saturday or bringing a covered dish to the church potluck supper, she didn’t do it. She tried not to criticize herself for not being a superwoman. She treated herself to cut flowers and manicures. Giving herself permission to go easy on herself helped her get through those difficult first few months.
Researchers have learned that dealing with the death of a loved one requires the same amount of energy as working a full-time job. Which means if you’re working, then you’re working two full-time jobs! Other big losses are nearly as debilitating. It’s easy to get into habits that are hard on your health, such as eating poorly, going to bed late, even neglecting personal hygiene like brushing your teeth. Do your best to get rest; take naps. Try to take care of your health… Getting sick will only compound your challenges.
Whether you rely on friends who are there for you over the long haul or join a support group, it’s vital to make sure that you don’t try to “tough it out” by yourself. You’ll know soon enough whom you can rely on. No matter what, it’s very important to be able to talk freely with others who understand the magnitude of your loss. Lauren was fortunate to have good friends to whom she could say (almost) whatever was on her mind. She also joined a Christian support website called Grief Share (www.griefshare.org), which sends out daily e-mails filled with helpful encouragement and insights.
Even though Lauren and Bob treasured each other, she was haunted by a brief exchange that took place not long before Bob got sick. He had told her that he missed hearing her play the piano. Tired from a long day at work and still cleaning up from dinner, Lauren retorted, “And when exactly might I have time to do that?” In his usual gracious manner, Bob said nothing, and Lauren forgot about her comment until after Bob’s death. But once she remembered it, she’d often think of that cutting remark and start to cry. Why had she been so mean to the man who loved her unconditionally? Finally, she began to realize that she’s just human; that she was tired and impatient that day, and she had no idea what lay ahead so very soon. Bob wouldn’t want her to beat herself up over this, and certainly not while she was in the throes of grief. He would want her to think of the love they shared and the happy memories they’d made over the years.
Regret is not a very useful emotion. You can’t undo what’s been done, but you can hinder your healing and make yourself sick. Learn from your past mistake and resolve not to repeat it. Then let it go.
Learn from your past mistake and resolve not to repeat it. Then let it go.
There are two versions of an old tale about an ancient king who called all his counselors and wise men together and gave them a challenge. One version says he asked them to summarize the wisdom of the world. The other version says the king ordered his wise men to come up with a sentence that would always be true, no matter what the situation. In both versions of the story, the sentence that met the king’s requirement was “This too shall pass.”
Lauren reminded herself frequently that things would change. That change might be slow, but she wouldn’t always be in such terrible pain. She told me that she is making progress. She doesn’t cry as much as she did, she enjoys things now that had not held her interest for a long time, and—most important—she has hope for the future.
Consider keeping a journal. There’s something about writing that helps us work through difficult issues. Maybe that’s because your journal is one of the few places where you don’t have to censor yourself or worry about a reaction to your words. It is also a chronicle of your journey that will serve you well. As you read through it, you can get an objective view of the progress you’ve made. Lauren hadn’t realized that she was making strides until she looked back over a few months’ entries and noticed that she no longer tossed and turned for hours before falling asleep. Being able to see healing progress in black and white will help you realize that you are indeed moving ahead.
Well-meaning people will say things that will upset or offend you. The day after the first anniversary of Bob’s death, one of Lauren’s coworkers came up to her and said, “Well, it’s been a year; you okay now?” No! Lauren wanted to say. I’m not okay! But she knew that her colleague was doing her best to be empathetic and encouraging. So she smiled and said, “I’m doing better, thanks.” Remember that even if they don’t always say the right thing, people are trying to be supportive. You can be gracious and appreciate their intentions, even if they don’t always succeed.
If someone’s unjust treatment of you caused the loss you have experienced, be sure to forgive them completely. Feeling hatred and unforgiveness is like taking poison and hoping it will kill your enemy. All the bitter feelings we experience when we are treated unjustly hurt only us, and not the person who hurt us.
Finally, Lauren told me that one of the most healing things she did after Bob’s death was to remember to be thankful for the good things she still had. Every morning on the way to work, she’d pray. In the beginning, she simply told God how she was feeling. One day it occurred to her that all she was doing was complaining, and God must be getting bored and annoyed. So she thanked Him for giving her Bob for ten years. That changed everything. She thought of more things she was thankful for: all the wonderful memories she had; the fact that of all the people in the world, God had chosen her to give Bob to. Then she thanked Him for her home; for the blue sky and crisp breeze and pink flowers. Before she knew it, Lauren was spending more time in prayer thanking God than complaining to Him. And she felt better too.
When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears, and delivers them out of all their distress and troubles. The Lord is close to those who are of a broken heart and saves such as are crushed with sorrow.
(Psalm 34:17–18)
Lauren told me that she believes God mourns with us when we suffer a great loss. I think she’s right. After all, when Jesus taught us to pray, He told us to call God “Abba,” which is best translated as “Daddy.” What daddy doesn’t ache when his little boy comes home defeated after striking out at his Little League game? What mother doesn’t feel her own heart break as her little girl comes home from school having been taunted on the playground? In the overall scheme of things, these are tiny losses and hurts, and the parent knows that. But the pain of seeing your child suffering is piercing nonetheless.
Immediately after teaching the disciples to pray what we know as the Lord’s Prayer, Jesus asked, “What man is there of you, if his son asks him for a loaf of bread, will hand him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will hand him a serpent?” (Matt. 7:9–10). In other words, because He is our Father, God suffers when we suffer. And while He could change our circumstances in an instant, more often than not, He doesn’t. But when He sees His child suffer, He suffers too.
When you are feeling loss and sorrow, ask God to hold you in the hollow of His hand, to whisper His comfort and to stroke your head, like a parent fussing over His fevered child. You may or may not feel that comfort, but God’s Word is true, and so is He.
Believe it or not, it’s very easy to help a friend who has suffered a loss. We tend to want to offer a solution to our friend’s suffering, but what they really need and want is understanding. Once when I was going to a funeral I told God that I simply did not know what to say to the person and He said, They just need you to sit with them. During painful loss, people need someone to listen to them talk about the loss and what they are feeling, and quite often it is better not to try to give advice because most of what we would say wouldn’t help them anyway.
A friend of mine experienced the death of her youngest son. She asked to meet with me and of course I wanted to help her, but I noticed that most of what I offered as advice made her angry or defensive. At first I was hurt, but then I realized that her pain was too intense to allow her to hear advice; she needed someone to listen and simply keep telling her that she would make it through the tragedy.
Below are a few good things to say—and a few things not to say. But the most important thing to remember is this: What you say isn’t really important. What is important is just to be there for your friend. When in doubt, just say, “How are you doing?” She’ll take it from there.
A sympathy card is a gift. It’s an even better gift if you add a handwritten line or two. It doesn’t have to be long. Just a heartfelt sentence saying something like the following will be like salve on a wound: “I know this is a terribly difficult time for you, and I want you to know that you’re especially in my thoughts and prayers right now.”
If you knew the person who died, a brief reminiscence is tremendously comforting. For example: “I remember Tom’s beautiful smile… He had a way of making me feel so special whenever we spoke.”
If your friend has lost a job or her health, a card is a wonderful way to show her that you care.
Within a few weeks of a funeral, the initial wave of sympathy to the bereaved passes. Then the days become long and lonely. Most people go back to their lives and the grieving person is left by themselves. Suddenly the mailbox is full of the usual bills and catalogs and the telephone is silent. A brief phone call to just say, “I’ve been thinking of you. How are you?” will be a gift to your friend that she’ll never forget. Do it every now and then; any time is a good time.
When you see the person who suffered the loss, you can give comfort through physical touch. Take her hand and squeeze it gently; give her a warm hug or a simple pat on the back. Loving touch is one of the ways we show love.
Decision and confession: With God’s help I will recover from my loss and be thankful for what I still have.