From Genesis to Revelation, we read of God’s forgiveness toward us and of our need to forgive others. It is one of the main themes of the Bible. We’re very eager to receive forgiveness, but we often find it extremely difficult to offer others the forgiveness that we have freely received from God. We may want to forgive, try to forgive, and pray to be able to forgive, and yet we remain bitter, resentful, and filled with angry and unforgiving thoughts. Why? If we want to forgive, why is it so difficult to do so?
The culprit is emotions. Fortunately, you can learn how to manage your emotions rather than allowing them to manage you. Forgiving those who have hurt us is one of the main areas where we need to apply what we are learning.
What can you expect from your emotions once you begin to operate in forgiveness toward yourself or others? God is ready and willing to forgive you, but are you equally ready and willing to receive His forgiveness? Your emotions can get in the way. You may not “feel” worthy of receiving such a wonderful and undeserved gift from God. You may “feel” that somehow you need to pay for what you have done wrong. You “feel” that you must sacrifice in some way in order to pay for your sins. If you do feel that way, I totally understand and can even say it is quite normal, but I also must say it is not God’s will for you. I persecuted myself for many years trying to pay a debt that Jesus had already paid. I sacrificed my joy by refusing to let myself enjoy anything because of my feelings of guilt. Thankfully, I have finally realized through God’s Word that I cannot pay a debt that has already been paid, and the only thing I can do with a free gift is receive it or reject it. God’s gift of forgiveness is free, and we should receive it as an act of faith.
We are to freely forgive others just as we have been freely forgiven. Forgiveness is a gift and cannot truly be deserved. How can anyone undo what has hurt or wounded you? My father stole my innocence through sexual abuse. How could he ever pay me back or undo what he did? The only way for me to be free was to forgive him and trust God for restoration. Although it was one of the most difficult things in my life to do, it was helpful for me to remember that God continually forgives me and never holds any of my sins against me.
Be gentle and forbearing with one another and, if one has a difference (a grievance or complaint) against another, readily pardoning each other; even as the Lord has [freely] forgiven you, so must you also [forgive].
(Colossians 3:13)
What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever been challenged to forgive? Has a friend betrayed you? Have you been so hurt by your spouse that your marriage couldn’t survive and ended in a divorce? Has your child been ungrateful and unloving?
I want to tell you about a woman whose hurt can hardly be measured. In January 1990, Sue Norton received the terrible news that her mother and father had been found murdered in their Oklahoma home. The killer walked away with an old truck and $17,000 in cash.
While she sat through the murder trial of Robert B. K. Knighton, she could feel the hatred in the air as her parents’ family and friends crowded the courtroom. By the last day of the trial, Norton knew that hatred wasn’t going to heal her of the terrible loss she had sustained. That evening she couldn’t sleep, and she spent the night praying for God to help her. The next morning, she had this thought: Sue, you don’t have to hate B.K. You could forgive him.
Forgive him?
That morning, as the jury deliberated, Sue got permission to visit B.K. in the holding cell. She recalls that when she saw him, she didn’t think of him as a killer. She thought of him as a human being. She said to the big man with steely eyes, “I don’t know what to say to you, but I want you to know that I don’t hate you. My grandmother… taught me that we are here to love one another. If you are guilty, I forgive you.”
At first, the man thought she was playing some sort of mind game with him. He couldn’t fathom that someone could forgive him for such a heinous crime. Today Robert Knighton resides on death row in Oklahoma. Sue writes him frequently, and she occasionally visits him. Because of her love and friendship, he has become a devout Christian.
Friends think she has lost her mind. But Sue says, “There is no way to heal and get over the trauma without forgiveness. You must forgive and get on with your life. That is what Jesus would do.”
Scripture makes it very clear that God expects us to forgive readily and freely. But our emotions flare up and aggressively resist our making this decision. Is there anything that can help us get past the emotions and obey God in this area?
God forgives me for much more than I will ever have to forgive others for.
The first thing that really helps me forgive is to remember that God forgives me for much more than I will ever have to forgive others for. We may not do what others have done to us, but then again we may do things that are worse. In God’s kingdom sin does not come in sizes like small, medium, and large; sin is just sin! Some sins leave more devastation than others, but God forgives them all. Some things that people do hurt us worse than other things, but the answer is the same for dealing with them all. Do yourself a favor and forgive quickly and freely. The longer you hold a grudge, the more difficult it is to let it go.
The second thing that helps me forgive is to think of God’s mercy. Mercy is the most beautiful gift we can give or receive. It cannot be earned and is not deserved—otherwise, it wouldn’t be mercy. I like to think of mercy as looking beyond what was done wrong and on to why it was done. Many times people do a hurtful thing and don’t even know why they are doing it, or they may not realize they are doing it. Sometimes they are reacting to their own pain without realizing they are hurting others. I was hurt so badly in my childhood that I in turn frequently hurt others with my harsh words and attitudes. But I did not even realize I was being harsh; because life had been so hard and painful for me, that harshness had become part of me. It was just simply the way I was. It was easy for God to show me mercy because He saw why I was doing what I was doing. He saw the hurt little girl who had become hardened as a method of protecting herself from more pain.
It helps me forgive when I realize that “hurting people hurt people.” When I am trying to navigate through my pain, I often have to talk to myself. I remind myself to believe the best of every person. I think, I doubt that the person who hurt me did it on purpose. Then I remind myself that there is a reason why they did what they did. Perhaps no one will ever know what that reason was except God, but there is always a reason. Sometimes the reason is simply that the person who hurt us does not know God, or does not know how to call on His power to help them resist temptation. Actually thinking through these various scenarios helps my emotions to calm down and makes it easier to forgive.
If I stay angry, I am giving Satan a foothold in my life.
The third thing that helps me forgive others is to remember that if I stay angry, I am giving Satan a foothold in my life (see Eph. 4:26–27). When I forgive I am keeping Satan from gaining an advantage over me (see 2 Cor. 2:10–11). Actually, one of the most valuable things I have learned is that I am doing myself a favor when I forgive. If I don’t forgive, I am poisoning my own soul with bitterness that will surely work its way out in some kind of bad behavior or attitude.
The root of bitterness contaminates and defiles not only the one who is bitter, but others around him as well.
Exercise foresight and be on the watch to look [after one another], to see that no one falls back from and fails to secure God’s grace (His unmerited favor and spiritual blessing), in order that no root of resentment (rancor, bitterness, or hatred) shoots forth and causes trouble and bitter torment, and the many become contaminated and defiled by it.
(Hebrews 12:15)
When the children of Israel were about to be led out of Egypt, they were told by the Lord on the eve of their departure to prepare a Passover meal that included bitter herbs. Why? God wanted them to eat those bitter herbs as a reminder of the bitterness they had experienced in bondage. Bitterness belongs to bondage! If we want to avoid bondage, we must avoid bitterness.
The word bitterness is used to refer to something that is pungent or sharp to the taste. It is said that the bitter herbs the Israelites ate were probably akin to horseradish. If you have ever taken a big bite of horseradish, you know it can cause quite a physical reaction. Bitterness causes precisely the same type of reaction in us spiritually. Not only does it cause us discomfort, but it also causes discomfort to the Holy Spirit, who abides within us.
The Bible teaches us not to grieve (vex or sadden) the Holy Spirit by letting bitterness, indignation, and wrath abide in us. We are to banish it from ourselves! (See Eph. 4:30–31.)
How does bitterness get started? According to the Bible, it grows from a root. The King James Version speaks of a “root of bitterness” (see Heb. 12:15). Roots always produce fruit, and in this case the fruit is poisonous.
What is the seed from which that root sprouts? Unforgiveness! Bitterness results from the many minor offenses committed against us that we just won’t let go of, the things we rehearse again and again inside until they become blown out of proportion and grow to a troublemaking size. I recall occasions when Dave and I argued in the early years of our marriage, and instead of dealing with the issue at hand, I brought up many other issues. Some were things that had happened years before. Dave asked me where I kept all that information stored! He is such a positive and forgiving person that he couldn’t imagine my retaining every offense he had ever committed against me. Until I learned a better and wiser way to live, I let all those little things pile up inside me, just waiting for the moment when I could haul them out and use them as ammunition. I had been given a wonderful, godly man but did not know how to appreciate the gift God had given me because I stored up little offenses and refused to let them go.
Aside from all the minor things we might allow to be blown out of proportion, there are sometimes major offenses committed against us. The longer we allow our bitterness and resentment to grow and fester, the more of a problem they become and the harder it is to be free from them. Hopefully, it is obvious by now that the best thing to do regarding any offense, large or small, is to forgive quickly and completely.
To be wronged is nothing unless you continue to remember it.
Confucius
I mentioned earlier that the more we feed a negative emotion, the stronger it becomes; the less we feed it, the weaker it becomes. We can feed feelings of unforgiveness by simply meditating on and talking about what the person has done who hurt us. If you want to forgive someone, you must make a commitment to stop focusing on what was done to you. One way we feed bitterness is by telling others so they will feel sorry for us, but it is a dangerous thing to do, especially if we keep doing it again and again. At times it is healthy to express how you feel about something that has been painful. As I said earlier in the book, secrets can make us sick. I am not suggesting that we need to live lonely lives, never sharing our pain with anyone, but harping on something continually is quite different from sharing in a healthy way.
I have learned that once I make a decision to forgive—to let the offense go and forget it—I must also stop talking about it unnecessarily. The more I pay attention to the offense, the more strength I give it. But if I ignore it, then it is easier to get over it emotionally.
Once I make a decision to forgive—to let the offense go and forget it—I must also stop talking about it unnecessarily.
We all want justice when we have been hurt, and it’s often difficult to be patient while God brings it. We are very tempted to take revenge instead of remembering that God said vengeance is His, not ours.
We know Him Who said, Vengeance is Mine [retribution and the meting out of full justice rest with Me]; I will repay [I will exact the compensation], says the Lord. And again, The Lord will judge and determine and solve and settle the cause and the cases of His people.
(Hebrews 10:30)
There have been times when I’ve found myself planning what I will do to get back at someone who has hurt me. I have also been guilty of thinking about the good things I’ve done in the past for that person that I won’t do anymore. I will either hurt the person or withhold blessings, and neither one of these plans exhibits the character of Jesus. One night I lay in bed after hearing that a certain person who was a business associate was saying unkind and critical things about me, and the more I thought about what I would say to them, the more upset I became. My emotions were so stirred up that I couldn’t sleep. As I continued my unkind, unloving, ungodly thoughts, I felt a nudge from the Holy Spirit. He let me know that He had a better plan. He suggested that I forget the unkind remarks that had been made about me and instead send the person who spoke them a gift and let them know how much I appreciated them. The thought of it made me laugh, and right away I saw that God’s ways give us joy, while our ways often make us miserable.
As soon as I switched my thinking over to God’s plan, I no longer felt the rage I had felt previously. I was still hurt and my emotions were wounded, but thinking of doing things God’s way enabled me to make a decision based on His Word rather than on my feelings. I lay in bed thinking of what gift I would give the person and what I would say in the accompanying note. As soon as the office opened the next morning, I asked my assistant to order the gift. And guess what: I felt instant relief from the agony I had experienced the previous evening! When I saw the person afterward, I still felt a twinge of pain, but it was minor compared to what it could have been.
The person who spoke unkindly about me never knew that I was aware, but God knew, and He is the One who recompenses us for the injustices in our lives.
Our responsibility is to make right decisions based on God’s Word, and His job is to heal our emotions. We usually want to feel better first, but God wants us to do what is right first, no matter how we feel. When we do, we are growing spiritually and will enjoy more emotional stability the next time we are faced with a difficult situation. When we make a decision to forgive, we probably won’t feel like forgiving. After all, we have been treated unjustly, and it hurts. But doing the right thing while we feel wronged is extremely important to our overall spiritual growth. It also glorifies God.
Our responsibility is to make right decisions based on God’s Word, and His job is to heal our emotions. We usually want to feel better first, but God wants us to do what is right first, no matter how we feel.
For many years I tried to forgive people when they hurt or offended me, but since I still had negative feelings toward them, I assumed that I wasn’t successful in the forgiveness journey. Now I realize that no matter how I feel, if I keep praying for the person who injured me and bless rather than curse him or her, I am on my way to freedom from destructive emotion. To curse means to speak evil of, and to bless means to speak well of. When someone has hurt us, we can refuse to speak evil of them, even if we’re tempted to do so. We can also bless them by talking about their good qualities and good things they have done. If we only look at the mistakes people make, we won’t be able to like them. But looking at their whole lives gives us a more balanced picture of them.
Nothing I have said will keep you from experiencing emotional pain when someone hurts you, but it can help you in the process of forgiveness. These methods have helped me, and I truly believe they will help you.
You cannot wait until you feel warm and loving toward someone who hurt you to forgive them. You’ll probably have to do it while you are still hurting and forgiving is the last thing you feel like doing, but doing it puts you in the “God league.” It puts you squarely on the road that is “narrow (contracted by pressure),” but leads to the way of life (Matt. 7:14). It puts you on the road less traveled, the one that Jesus Himself traveled on. Don’t forget that one of the last things He did was forgive someone who didn’t deserve forgiveness, and He did it while hanging on a cross being crucified. I think some of the last things that Jesus did were specially designed to help us remember how important those things are.
If someone hurts you, cry a river, then build a bridge and get over it.
Unknown
If someone hurts you, cry a river, then build a bridge and get over it.
Unknown
Many people decide that forgiving those who have hurt them is just too hard, and indeed, forgiving is hard! But in making the decision not to forgive, they are making one of the most serious mistakes they can possibly make. Why is it so serious? Because our intimacy with God is hindered if we won’t forgive those who have sinned against us. The Bible clearly says that if we don’t forgive others, God will not forgive us our sins and iniquities (see Matt. 6:14–15). If our sin stands between God and us, then we will find it difficult to hear from Him and to feel His presence. I firmly believe that harboring unforgiveness steals our sleep, our peace, and our joy. It affects our health and adversely robs us of our well-being in general. Show me someone who doesn’t have a forgiving spirit, and I’ll show you someone whom very few people want to be around.
Sometimes we have harbored resentment for so long that we don’t even realize we have it. It has become part of us—and that is really dangerous.
I can remember thinking at one time that I had no unforgiveness at all in my heart, but God showed me two specific things that surprised me: I was angry at one of my daughter’s friends because I did not like the way she treated my daughter, and I was also angry toward my son because he just wasn’t what I wanted him to be at the time.
Have you ever felt angry toward someone you loved because the choices they made in life disappointed you or didn’t meet your expectations? I am sure you have, because this is one of Satan’s more subtle traps. We are not angry over something the person did to us but something they did not do. We disapprove of their choices, even though God has given them the right to make them. We may try to encourage those we love and care about, but we must not try to control them. God tells us to train up our children in the way they should go, not the way we want them to go (see Prov. 22:6).
Barbara had five children she loved very much. They were all grown and all but one had children of their own. Although Barbara was a knowledgeable Christian, she had difficulty letting her children make their own choices. Quite frequently her behavior sparked arguments between her and her children. They felt controlled and manipulated, but she insisted she was only trying to help them. Their anger would hurt Barbara’s feelings, and Barbara’s behavior would make them angry. The result was a vicious cycle that made all of them unhappy. Barbara didn’t realize it, but actually she behaved the same way with most of the people she knew. As a result, people began to avoid her.
Barbara attended church and a Bible study group, but sadly she never stopped making unloving comments about other people’s choices and decisions. She was a type of Christian described as “carnal,” which I mentioned earlier in the book. She believed in God but never stopped doing what she felt like doing. Sadly, she ended up with very few friends, a husband who left her for another woman, and children who avoided her whenever possible. The root of her problem was pride. She believed that her way was right for everyone and that she was just trying to help people, even though they truly did not want her help.
I felt angry toward my son because he wasn’t as spiritual as I wanted him to be, but I was wrong, and through God I found the strength to tell him that I was. The humility God enabled me to show in saying, “I was wrong,” and the unconditional acceptance of him as he was, started a healing in his life that eventually helped him make right decisions and get on the right road. Prior to that time, he had felt my disapproval, and all it did was drive the wedge between us deeper and deeper.
I have discovered that sometimes when I’m hurt, it’s not because of something another person did to hurt me; it’s because I had an expectation that I shouldn’t have had. There are of course things we have a right to expect in our relationships with other people, but we must make sure that our expectations are realistic and that they still give people the freedom to be themselves.
Nothing changes in our lives until we make a decision to act on the information we have. Here are a few decisions you can make that will enable you to live free of the agony of bitterness, resentment, and unforgiveness:
I believe that Satan uses unforgiveness to bring destruction into our lives. God tells us again and again in His Word how important it is to forgive. I believe it is foolish to disobey God in this area. I plan to work with the Holy Spirit every day of my life to resist letting my emotions prevent me from forgiving those who hurt or disappoint me. I will not let Satan control my destiny! I pray you will make the same decision.
Decision and confession: I will quickly and freely forgive those who hurt me. I refuse to ruin my life with bitterness.