A cancer diagnosis can unleash steady waves of well-intentioned opinions and advice. In my case, it felt like a tsunami. Friends, family, strangers, and professionals from near and far shared suggestions about the latest magic-bullet medicine, prayers, doctors, herbs, healers, supplements, research, books, clinical trials, and alternative treatments. Many of their recommendations required plane travel, large sums of money, or abandonment of the chemotherapy regimen I had begun. All required leaps of faith when I was already in midair. Every day someone suggested something they thought might increase the odds of my survival. All of it was offered with love and hope. All of it was overwhelming.
It was especially challenging to know what to do, as I did not tolerate my chemotherapy protocol well. After my first infusion, both my weight and white blood cell count dropped precipitously, and I was informed I would need to begin giving myself daily injections to make it through. Keeping to the schedule, I was told, was of paramount importance. My spinal fusion — only four weeks old when chemo started — did not take well to the treatment either, and after the second infusion I found myself back in a wheelchair.
Traveling down a treatment path that departed significantly from anything I had ever imagined, and then suffering from it, I fell prey to bouts of doubt about how and whether to keep to the plan. I was constantly weighing and sampling complementary treatments. I was vulnerable, scared, and in physical distress: the perfect conditions to make me susceptible to external influences. Not wanting to close the door on any option that held promise, I flirted with every possibility.
Around the time of my third chemo infusion, sicker than I had ever been, I got a call from an old high school classmate. He, too, was coping with a lymphoma diagnosis, but his doctors had put him on a different chemo protocol. He was further down the treatment path and doing well. He recommended a treatment center in Florida, antioxidant vitamins, and a couple of books, and he suggested I never let myself have a single thought about the possibility of dying. Then he told me that he knew someone who had been on the chemo regimen I was receiving, but she had recently passed away.
Hitting emotional bottom is a hard fall. But it also offers us something concrete against which to push and generate upward momentum. This conversation thrust me to the ground and left my head spinning. How was I meant to process all the information coming my way? How could I weigh all the options available and offered? How could I reconcile the contradictory information I was getting? How could I take other people’s ideas to heart and still take care of myself? I quickly realized that I couldn’t, and that was a good thing.
With the stakes so high, it became clear that I had succumbed to other people’s fears and become frantic for answers. I had put my mind in charge, and my mind (as well as everyone else’s) wanted more and more information and options. I had lost connection with my internal guidance system. When I tried to consider my choices without being centered in my heart and checking them against my intuition, I lost my balance altogether. Even though it felt like I owed people consideration of their ideas, there was nothing better I could offer than my own instincts and clarity. This meant establishing deeper and more consistent ways of attuning and listening to myself, and establishing better boundaries with others. I needed to own my journey, and I could help others let go of trying to save me by standing assuredly on my own feet and in my own inner knowing. It was clear that any effective way forward was going to depend on my ability to cultivate, source, and trust my own wisdom — no matter what the results might be.
Nothing gives more joy than when your heart grows wider and wider and your sense of belonging to the universe grows deeper and deeper. — Brother David Steindl-Rast
Thinking of gratitude in transactional terms makes us inclined to be grateful to others, and for external gifts and blessings. But in an effort to live gratefully in our relationships with others, it is best to begin by developing kindness and appreciation toward ourselves. This helps us reinforce gratefulness as an inside job.
The ways in which we do and do not relate attentively to ourselves are complex and beg for deeper exploration. Embedded in a culture that drives us to fixate on how we present ourselves for social approval, many of us are left with inner lives that feel malnourished. Our capacity to offer true appreciation and consideration to others is hampered if we do not also turn our attention toward ourselves, for exactly who and where we are. We must learn to deepen our self-trust before we can extend trust to others.
Living gratefully, we are called to act from the knowledge that simply because we are here, we are essential in the world. You are the precious portal through which love and life are given and received. You are both the source and the connection to a more infinite source — and deepening the robustness of this connection deepens your entire sense of relatedness. We can spend much of our lives longing and searching for belonging, and looking to others to fill us up. Meanwhile, we come home to ourselves in every moment, replete with the blessings of unparalleled kinship. If we listen, the universe reassures us of our true home within the larger constellation of everything. And all the while, we belong to love and life, and life and love belong to us.
You are loved just for being who you are, just for existing. You don’t have to do anything to earn it. No one can take this love away from you, and it will always be here. — Ram Dass
The practice of intentional self-appreciation is cultivated in the present moment. As is. As we are. Appreciation invites us to be fully present to what is “so,” and then to lean in with an open heart. When we direct attention toward ourselves, the present moment asks us to surrender the burden of the incessant goals, striving, and our need for accomplishment. We honor each moment when we release the litany of ideas about what might be required before we can be grateful for who we are: all those unfulfilled resolutions; things we think we need to have, be, or fix; and people whose permission or approval we think we should await. There are no preconditions for self-befriending. We can even set down the confining ways we have learned to identify ourselves in the world. You do not need to do, have, or be anything to be worthy of receiving your own acceptance and kindness. Instead, you can turn toward yourself, extending a more merciful appreciation for every aspect of who you are, exactly as you are. All of it. Here. Now.
It is human — and culturally encouraged — to want to work on, change, refine, and try to “better” ourselves, always aiming toward some yet-to-be and might-never-be future. But before we undertake any efforts toward self-improvement, we must first compassionately accept ourselves for the fullness and truth of who we are; acknowledge the courageous, circuitous path we took to get here; and recognize that it is all actually enough. We are served by approaching ourselves with a sweeping and inclusive embrace of the many qualities we may be inclined to judge or disavow. The exiled parts. The pathologized ways of being. The marginalized feelings. The hidden hurts. The tender sensitivities. You discover a gracious capacity for empathy when you learn to lean into yourself with the embrace of a close friend. And then, ironically, many of the things you have long wanted to “better” become compassionately integrated into a more beloved sense of self. You are the ever-available focus for your own loving exploration, and the unconditional consideration you so readily offer, and long for, from others.
Our capacity for gratefulness will depend heartily on the depth of companionship we offer ourselves. Learning to be present, we recognize that self-befriending will take us a very long way down the road of leading more grateful lives, and so we turn toward a more sacred partnership.
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What aspects of yourself are you most at ease sharing with the world?
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What aspects of yourself have you made less welcome? How might you ofter yourself more inclusive appreciation?
Self-trust is the first secret of success. — Ralph Waldo Emerson
The recognition that the shared human condition is one of vulnerability can offer great perspective and peace: the ways in which we see ourselves as broken or deficient are sadly more common than not. Many of us feel isolated and “other,” and then feel more other for feeling other, or feel bad for feeling bad. Fear of not doing enough translates into not being enough. Doing something wrong can make us feel there is something wrong with us or that we are wholly wrong. The practice of gratefully intervening in these self-judgments with unconditional acceptance, appreciation, and compassion — even celebration — is the path of self-befriending.
Let’s approach the practice of grateful self-befriending as a big step on the path toward unconditional love. We may place healthy conditions on our love for others, and we will surely have conditional terms for our relationships, but with ourselves we can experience the biggest possible playground of “unconditional.” If we hold our vulnerabilities and sensitivities as rich sources of information about how we deserve and need to be treated — not things that need to be changed — and if we honor ourselves with compassionate care, we can forge an abiding friendship that will deliver blessings in every aspect of life. This gracious space we make for ourselves will inform the space we invite others to occupy as well.
Renowned for his successful marriage counseling practice, Dr. John Gottman has brought tangible tools to the aid of thousands of couples who have longed for more intimate relationships. According to Gottman, one of the harbingers of a fruitful union is our capacity to accept influence from our partner, meaning that we readily accept, respect, and are willing to be impacted by their perspective. Among its many benefits, accepting influence establishes and increases humility and nondefensiveness, openness to new ways of seeing things, and cooperation.
A nurturing partnership with yourself can deliver wiser counsel than any outside influence. It places the value of trust where it is most helpful and lasting — within you. When you commit to deepening your self-trust, you seek and heed the intimacy of your own influence. You forge an intentional union with your insights and gut instincts. You listen for that still, small voice within, and rely on a reliable source: your intuition. Listening to inner wisdom and accepting your own influence is an act of compassionate self-befriending that will help to carry you everywhere, and through everything.
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What does your intuition tell you it needs in order to be a trustworthy source of wisdom? How does your intuition want to be consulted, treated, and heeded?
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What are some qualities in yourself you have judged that you could instead appreciate as lovable quirks?
Trust is the active engagement with the unknown. Trust is risky. It’s vulnerable. It’s a leap of faith. . . . The more we trust, the farther we are able to venture. — Esther Perel
Given that gratefulness is not transactional but is an orientation to life that emanates from inside us, we can embrace the idea that being grateful in all of our relationships is fundamentally sourced, practiced, and burnished from within — through the moment-to-moment ways we relate to ourselves and our experiences of life.
With enough presence and perspective, we see that love may be unconditional, but relationships are not. If someone who treats you poorly, knows what hurts you and does it anyway, disrespects your needs, does not accept your influence or care for your vulnerabilities — this may be a relationship or a situation to walk away from. And if the person mistreating you and ignoring your needs is you, wrap yourself in compassion as you stop yourself in your own tracks — it is due time for self-befriending. Walk out the door of self-judgment and down the path of compassionate self-appreciation . . . now.
Possibility is awakened, or not, every day through how we treat ourselves. Without the strength of grateful self-regard, possibility in any area is going to be circumscribed by our internalized limitations. We cannot know what is possible with others or with life until we give ourselves permission for a more unlimited and grateful experience of ourselves.
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If you were to stop waiting and treat yourself exactly as you long to, what new opportunities would arise?
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How might appreciating the greatest fullness of who you are right now invite you to act differently in the world? What might it inspire?
Let’s thank our mistakes, let’s bless them
for their humanity, their terribly weak chins.
We should offer them our gratitude and admiration
for giving us our clefts and scarring us with
embarrassment, the hot flash of confession.
Thank you, transgressions! for making us so right
in our imperfections. Less flawed, we might have
turned away, feeling too fit, our desires looking
for better directions. Without them, we might have
passed the place where one of us stood, watching
someone else walk away, and followed them,
while our perfect mistake walked straight toward us,
walked right into our cluttered, ordered lives
that could have been closed but were not,
that could have been asleep, but instead
stayed up, all night, forgetting the pill,
the good book, the necessary eight hours,
and lay there — in the middle of the bed —
keeping the heart awake — open and stunned,
stunning. How unhappy perfection must be
over there on the shelf without a crack, without
this critical break — this falling — this sudden, thrilling draft.
— Elaine Sexton
Nothing can dim the light that shines from within. — Maya Angelou
When we seek a deeper experience of love and belonging, we are called to step away from the scales of self-scrutiny and appraisal, to move away from the magnifying mirror of self-judgment into which we so often look. We remember that our essence cannot be compartmentalized. Our essential nature asks for a wider lens within a much larger, more grateful context — that of the grand human family, across continents and across generations, united in vulnerability and connected in belonging.
Grateful living helps us to deepen a sacred connection with ourselves, as we are. When we welcome the varied terrain of experience within us, the opportunities and gifts of insight and intimacy are endless. When we practice being grateful for who we are and how we are, wherever we are, we cultivate a reservoir of self-trust — a touchstone we can return to again and again for nourishment and guidance.
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May you hold yourself with self-appreciation and trust.
Stop. Look. Go. Practice
Think back to when you were between 7 and 12 years old. This is a period in life when you developed important aspects of your social and emotional identity. This is also a time when you solidify meaningful forms of self-accompaniment. Think about some things you did when you “spent” yourself fully but were filled to overflowing by the activity, something you could do for hours and lose all sense of time. Maybe it was playing a game, reading, writing, solving a puzzle, painting, drawing, playing music, hiking in nature, building or making things, dancing, playing a sport, or creating anything.
A joyful activity in your youth is surely something that aroused gratefulness in you, and it may be calling to be reexplored or explored in a new way that honors any current limitations you have. Oftentimes as kids we can be happy for hours in only our own company. We can call on this self-befriending later in life, too.
Stop: Offer your attention to being still or slowing down. Bring your awareness to the present moment and allow yourself to sink into it. Put both hands on your chest. Focus on your breath while letting your heart soften.
Look: Fix your memory on one activity that engaged and delighted you fully as a child. Focus on how it made your mind, body, and emotions feel to be engaged in this activity. Feel those same sensations coming to life in you now as you remember this part of your life. What activity so absorbed your attention as a kid that you would lose track of time? Something that so fully engrossed your senses that you would not hear someone calling you? Something you loved to do so much that you were “all in”? Write down what this inquiry brings to the surface for you now.
Go: Reinvigorating the things we most loved to do when we were young can be a very energizing grateful living practice. We can gain great benefit from making a commitment to bring more exploration, play, and creativity into our lives, and we discover ways these gifts can bring us into connection with, or help us serve, others. There may be opportunities for you to volunteer or get involved with others engaged in this activity — or start a group of your own. Pursue the things that take you “all in” — and that bring your heart alive.
Perspective Prompts
One way to gain perspective is to look at ourselves as if beholding a newborn; our essential nature is so much more available to us in infancy. Babies remind us of the marvel of human life and also its fragility. To become and remain incarnate is nothing short of miraculous. If we can show ourselves the unconditional cherishing we bring to a new life, we can know ourselves anew. It can take our breath away to revel in our magnificence; yes, even in the midst of our messiness. If we allow ourselves a larger field of appreciation, we will come to life more fully.
Let yourself be awestruck by the marvel of your existence. See yourself through eyes of wonder and through the warmth of your own embrace. Pick yourself up with love.
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I am a miraculous expression of humanity.
Consider the history that preceded your arrival; we are each the product of millennia of intentionality. Let’s honor the energies and intentions of our ancestors toward life. We are the result of so much longing and effort. Our cells are filled with the imprint of generations, and if we could be held by all those who came before us, we would be celebrated so gratefully as perfect — an unimaginable, unrepeatable miracle — exactly as we are. A beautiful surprise.
Imagine yourself at the center of a circle of your ancestors, with their arms outstretched to celebrate you and thank you for carrying on their lineage with such magnificence.
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My life is a celebration of the longing and energy of all those who came before me.
It is a radical act to acknowledge how whole and complete we are, especially within a culture bent on trying to convince us that we are not enough. It is a radical act of gratefulness to celebrate all that is abundant and extraordinary about us and our lives. We can give ourselves credit for resilience in the face of lives that are not always easy. We can affirm our courage and strength. We can delight in the idiosyncrasies that are the basis for the love that others feel toward us. And we can be grateful for the conditions that have allowed us to develop our extraordinary strengths.
When you feel lacking, consider all of the ways that you are already enough, and the ways that your ordinary is more than extraordinary.
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I am cause for celebration, just the way that I am.
When we ally ourselves with our innate beliefs and spiritual principles, we are reminded that we are each perfect “children of God.” We are made of longing and courage. The world wants us here, now, as we are. Who are we to question this? We were made for purposes that we can spend our entire lifetime exploring. Grace invites us forward to embody ourselves with aplomb and guides us to fulfill our essential being. If you believe in unconditional love, then bring it home to yourself. Tend to your wonders.
Invite yourself to live as if — as if you are fully chosen at all times, as if you are aligned with the exact intentions of the universe and your true nature, as if you are imperfectly perfect and perfectly imperfect. You are.
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I attend to the ways I wholeheartedly belong.
Our capacity to experience pleasure rests in our ability to be comfortable with who we are. From a place of self-acceptance, we can better notice beauty and celebrate life through all of our senses and see ourselves as an essential part of the whole. We can play, rest, laugh, and be creative with abandon. Abandoning the need to do more and be more opens the doors to the fullness of enjoyment, and enjoyment is a worthy aspiration.
Notice more of the pleasures in being exactly who you are. Embrace your quirks and let them show more, laugh at yourself, and find the occasion to laud your humanity, with love.
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I discover joyful pleasure in moments of self-abandon.