As Rajni recounted all of these memories aloud, she was aware that Jezmeen was paying close attention. This was what Jezmeen wanted to know.
“I always blamed myself for all the hardship that you all endured afterward,” Rajni said. “I know Mum got back on her feet eventually, but you and Shirina had to deal with having very little. Mum was always so stressed out, and I felt like I had caused that. The whole situation was enough to scare me straight.”
“That’s when you changed,” Jezmeen recalled. “I was too young to really question it but I remember that when you returned from the trip, you were more stern. You threw out all of the makeup I used to nick from your room.”
“The makeup, the outfits, everything. It made me feel like I was doing something to help. I told myself that I was still me, but I just needed a break. My rebellion against Mum had really hurt our family. Then . . .” She sighed. “Then I went to university, met Kabir, and married him as soon as I graduated. I didn’t miss the fighting with Mum.”
“Raj, you didn’t hurt our family,” Jezmeen said. “Those relatives did. They spread hurtful rumors and they withheld something from Mum that she badly needed. They’re the immoral ones, not you.”
“I know that now,” Rajni said. Her eyes were filled with tears. She fumbled for the packet of tissues in her purse. “I know it and I don’t know it. I know in my head that it’s not fair to feel responsible for all of that loss, but things could have gone differently for Mum, and for you guys.”
“Or not,” Jezmeen said. “That brother of Dad’s probably never intended to give up his land. And so what, Raj? We all survived. It wasn’t the worst childhood. We had a roof over our heads. Auntie Roopi looked out for us. You looked out for us.”
“I didn’t. I just nagged and hovered over you to keep you from letting Mum down the way I had.”
“It didn’t work, though,” Jezmeen said with a grin. “I spent most of my life telling you to shove it.”
“What about Shirina? She had such a rotten time growing up that she ran away and into the arms of another family.”
“Also not your fault,” Jezmeen said firmly. “You said yourself that Mum took way too much responsibility for Dad’s death—the evil eye and all that. You’re doing the same thing. You’re making connections between something that happened years ago as if you’re the only reason those things were possible. We’ve all made our own choices. You’re the one who always reminds me of that. You tell your students and Anil the same thing as well.”
Anil. Rajni shut her eyes and tipped her head back. “Anil’s certainly made his choice,” she muttered.
“What do you mean?”
She might as well tell Jezmeen. Those engagement pictures would probably be up on his social media sites soon. “He’s engaged.”
“What? I didn’t even know he was seeing someone.”
“Me neither. She’s thirty-six.”
Jezmeen’s eyes grew wide. Rajni took in a breath. “They’re having a baby.”
“Fuck me,” Jezmeen said. Rajni flinched as Tom Hanks’s ears perked up at the swear word. “Sorry!” Jezmeen called to him. He waved back to show that he wasn’t offended. “Rajni, what the hell?”
Rajni wiped her tears away with the back of her hand. “He’s forgoing university and everything we’ve worked for, so he can start a family with this woman.”
“I mean, why didn’t you say something?” Jezmeen asked. “You’ve known this the entire trip?”
“Yeah, but I don’t think I was really admitting it to myself.”
“It’s a lot to come to terms with,” Jezmeen said.
“I don’t think I listened to what Anil really wanted,” Rajni said. “He’s completely locked me out of his life now.”
“There you go again, blaming yourself,” Jezmeen said. “Listen, if Anil’s cutting you out, that’s his choice. You didn’t push him to do that. You didn’t push him to make any of his choices. I guess . . . the thing is, does he seem happy with the way things are turning out? Are you okay with that?”
“No,” Rajni said. “How can I be okay with Anil throwing his life away?”
“He might not see it that way,” Jezmeen pointed out. “It’s not the life you imagined for him—that doesn’t mean it’s the wrong way to live.”
“But—”
“Look, Raj. You just said you’re sorry for breathing down my neck, and for being such an uptight, morally righteous prig. You deeply regret wasting all those opportunities to be a cool big sister because of that massive stick lodged up your bum.”
Not quite how Rajni would have phrased it, but she let Jezmeen continue.
“It hurt when Mum forced convention on you, didn’t it? Wasn’t it infuriating to have to live up to her standards? What mattered more to Mum than your safety that night was how it looked to other people. Don’t tell me that this isn’t the same thing.”
“It’s not,” Rajni said. “I don’t care what people think.”
Jezmeen snorted. “Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckity fuck,” she suddenly sang aloud. Tom Hanks looked up in amusement.
“Stop it,” Rajni hissed. “What will Tom Hanks thi—” She stopped when she noticed the smirk on Jezmeen’s face. “It’s not the same thing, Jezmeen. He’s my only child.”
“So this is about Anil being your only chance at parenting?”
“. . . Maybe,” Rajni said.
“Would it be different if you had more children, then? If you had a daughter?”
If I had a daughter. It wasn’t the first time Rajni was pondering what life would be like if that sibling for Anil had materialized. She didn’t have an answer for Jezmeen. What she knew was that all of this felt terribly unfair, but so did Dad’s death, and the land being taken away, and Mum’s cancer and Mum dying. It was unfair that Shirina was in Chandigarh right now, doing something she thought was necessary to save her marriage. Looking out the window, Rajni saw that they were still deep in farmland and it was impossible to avoid thinking of what they had lost.
But maybe Rajni could avoid losing anything else. “Excuse me, Tom Hanks?” she asked.
“Sorry, ma’am,” Tom Hanks said. Rajni only addressed him to chastise him for speeding.
“Can you go faster, please?” she asked. “We need to get to Chandigarh urgently.”
“Ma’am, you’re asking me . . . ?”
“To hurry up,” Rajni said. “Get us there as fast as you can.”
With that, Tom Hanks slammed his foot on the accelerator and the farmland around them stretched into an infinite green blur.