When we returned home, I had to sit up with our family until it was time for bed. When doing so, Lydia wanted to speak about the party, but I assured her that we could do it tomorrow when we walked to town. After all, that was the day which the regiment was to enter Hertfordshire and there would be a great fanfare.
When I went to my room, I got undressed as quickly as I could, put a lit candle on the desk, opened my journal and began to write the events of the party.
Before I began to write about my feelings on the subject, there was a knock on my door.
Closing my journal and wrapping my shawl around my shoulders, I told the person to come in. The door opened and I was surprised to see that it was Jane.
“I thought you would be awake,” she said, closing the door behind her. In her nightgown, with her hair fallen down the sides of her face, she looked more radiant than ever.
“What is it?” I asked.
She sat down on my bed.
“After what happened to you this evening, I was worried about you.”
“About me?”
“About what Mr. Darcy said to you. I could see that you were affected.”
I closed my eyes, realizing what she was talking about.
“Oh, yes. I had done so much to forget it.”
“I didn’t mean to have you remember that unfortunate moment.”
“No, I am listening.”
“I came to comfort you,” she said, “I know that it was very wrong of him to speak so. Your comment was neither rude, indiscrete, nor offensive. It was a simple comment.”
“Thank you. For a moment, I doubted myself. Jane, I was very—I was hurt.”
“I know that you were.” Walking up to me, she kissed my forehead. “You are not to blame for anyone ridiculing you when your words are innocent. Life is like that, however, where you will be faced with cruelty.”
“What was worse, is that I am angry with myself. I could not think of anything to say back to him, as a perfect response.”
“In such cases, you would do well to be better-guarded through silence. A young lady has more to gain, and a stronger since of fortitude, when she refrains from the vulgar act of seeking revenge.”
“But is that all there is for us?” I asked her. “Why can’t we speak?”
Jane looked at the floor for a moment, and then she responded.
“Because it is not proper. Before anything else, I want you to be proper.”
I bit my lip and looked at myself in the mirror.
“If you are the good sort of girl, then all sorts of rewards will come and find you,” Jane stressed, “and since you are a kind and joyous girl already, you can grow into the ultimate woman.”
“I don’t know if I can… I don’t know if I can stomach such a limp existence.”
“Limp existence?” Jane laughed quietly. “And what does that mean?”
I thought of Charlotte’s advice to Lizzy about Jane’s reserved manner. Though I hadn’t remained long enough to see how the conversation ended, I had heard enough. Should Jane learn about this advice that was administered? Should she be made aware that her disposition did not lend itself to charming the very man who was enamored with her. The very man who I used to admire!
Turning to Jane, I was torn, but not in the manner which you might assume. My motive was not stirred on by jealousy, but rather it was fueled by sympathy. She had been so kind to come and see me about the pain Mr. Darcy’s words inflicted on me—and in that moment, I could not bring myself to hurt her. For there she was, all goodness and compassion. Acting in the service as a mother, she wanted to soothe my active mind.
“Jane,” I began, “I know that you like Mr. Bingley.”
Jane folded her arms over her chest.
“I respect him,” she said, “and I find him very agreeable.”
“Is that it?”
“Well…”
“Very well,” I overrode her, “you may conceal your heart from me if that is your pleasure. However, I must advise you, that there is nothing wrong with showing him how you feel.”
Jane looked at me, confused.
“I do show him—in the way that is correct.”
“But are you certain that he knows it?”
“I have only just met him. It is not right to do any more.”
I saw into her heart. She did not have the ability to exert her flirtations any further than as she already had done so. If they could even be regarded as flirtations to begin with.
I had done my duty, and I believed that I had done correctly. But I could do no more than that.
“Very well,” I said.
She stood up to leave. When she went to the door, I called out to her.
“Yes?” she asked, turning around.
“Thank you,” I said softly, regarding the solace she offered me.
“You are welcome.”
“Oh, and if you see Elizabeth before you go to bed, could you thank her for me?”
“Yes, of course, I shall.”
She left my room and my soul felt lighter.
* * *
Now that I was alone, I continued to write in my journal:
I do believe that I am quite in agreement with Charlotte Lucas. For Mr. Bingley does not know Jane’s character as we do. Thus, it presents the idea that concealing one’s feelings can cause damage to one’s outward desires. After all, a concealment can be little more than a deception—it can even be presented as a lie, because a truth is being concealed. This bit of advice is vital to me because it has encouraged me to realize how important it is to reveal the truth that is in our hearts. Whatever faults father places at my feet, and Lydia’s, we are at least honest. We are not afraid to display what we really feel, and thus we find enjoyment in that. It is pleasant for one’s convictions to be supported by other people’s wisdom. Thus, I am now committed to my purpose; I shall trust my own heart and head and speak as I find and feel. Falsities be damned! Cold and superficial prudence, adieu!
And as for my own heart, I shall confront it now and forebear myself against it.
I face the reality that is before me.
Seeing Jane here now, ready to comfort me in the way that our mother should have, has stirred my sisterly compassion. It is neither sound nor safe to admire a man who your sister desires—especially when he desires her. It hardly displays sisterly affection or loyalty. Though I am not Jane’s favorite sister, she still does love me, and that is enough. From this day forth, I shall not think on Mr. Bingley in any other way than him being a creature who I am indifferent to. If he speaks to me, I shall be kind, but nothing out of the common way.
Thus, I shall leave him alone. I am resigned—and I am glad for it.
* * *
The next day, all five of us Bennet sisters walked to town, eager to see the regiment militia as they arrived. Even Mary cast aside her serious demeanor and gave way to the joviality of the day.
“While I do not understand the excitement that ladies have over a redcoat,” she voiced, “I understand the importance and respect that a soldier deserves. After all, they are our protectors, and they deserve our esteem.”
When we arrived in Meryton’s main street, which was our main road, there were already crowds of people lined up on both sides. To be sure, most of the crowd consisted of women, but that was to be expected.
Among the crowd was Mr. Dixon, who saw us and made his way up to us.
“Mr. Dixon,” I exclaimed, waving to him as he accosted us, “the post has given you the day off? Even though it is not a Sunday?”
“Fortunately, I managed to be given a day of reprieve,” he answered, “and someone else shall be delivering the happy letters at Longbourn.”
He stood by me, and I let the general enthusiasm of the crowd wash all over me.
“What are you thinking?” he asked me.
“I am thinking that life is a series of many dull moments of sitting quietly and comfortably in a drawing room, while having nothing to do. But every now and again, there are moments of joy, excitement and bliss that give us a spark of life to help us through the monotony. I feel like this will be one of those moments. Am I making any sense at all?”
“You are indeed,” he said, “though I hope that you shall not forget those of us who do not wear redcoats.”
“How can I forget my neighbors?” I asked. “Never!”
He laughed.
“Good. Then yes, I understand you very much.”
Suddenly, we heard music come from down the road. All was awakened, and we all began to cheer. From down the street, we all stood on our tiptoes and looked to our left. There, as if it were a crimson wave, we saw a sea of red coming towards us, with white breeches and black boots.
In the front of the regiment were drummers and flutists, and flagbearers. With incredible formation and control, the army marched into the square in perfect tempo. All of us Bennet sisters cheered for them as they marched down the road.
Unable to control ourselves, Lydia and I began to giggle to each other.
“This is the best thing that has come into Hertfordshire,” Lydia said after she caught her breath.
“I know!” I agreed. “We will never be bored again.”
“Oh dear,” Mr. Dixon said, reading our expressions. “Whatever shall happen to us provincial gentlemen? You shall leave us behind, forgetting all that you promised.”
“Never fear, sir,” I assured him, “a new arrival simply brings new conversation.”
“Nothing more and nothing less, I guarantee,” Elizabeth added.
“Lizzy, how can you be so tiresome?” Lydia objected. “These are officers!”
“A man in a redcoat is still a man. Color doesn’t signify much change; it only means that their virtues and vices appear brighter, due to color association.”
Mr. Dixon laughed at this.
I did not say anything about it, however, because I was so excited at seeing the officers. Despite herself, Mary cheered for them. Jane smiled, but no redcoat bore the look of Mr. Bingley, so her smile was complacent.
Among the officers, we were able to pick out the legendary Colonel Forster, who headed up the regiment. He was a distinguished older man, with a gentle smile, but authoritative air.
Eventually, the officers finished marching through the street and disappeared as they headed to their headquarters in Meryton. When there was no more spectacle to be had, we all felt our spirits subside and we aimed to return home.
“If you like,” Mr. Dixon responded, “I have my wagon with me, and would be more than happy to drive you all back to Longbourn.”
“That would be delightful,” I replied merrily as I bounced up to him. “See? We shall not forget you, Mr. Dixon. Isn’t he a wonderful neighbor?”
“It is a kind offer,” Jane responded, “but I should not like to put you out of your way, Mr. Dixon.”
“Not at all, I assure you,” he responded, and we went to his wagon, which was resting along a side road. Helping each of us into the wagon, I was the last that he offered his hand.
“I know that you like to sit in the driver’s seat, Miss Kitty,” he said. “Would you be willing to be company for me?”
“Oh, that would be delightful,” I said, without thinking.
“Kitty, it would be wiser if you remain in the back with us,” Elizabeth pointed out.
“I shall be fine, Elizabeth,” I assured her. “What? Do you think I will be thrown from the seat and fall into a ditch? I think I will be safe.”
Elizabeth gave me a ‘do not be a flirt’ look, but I knew that I was not breaching propriety in any way. After all, Mr. Dixon was an old friend. Everyone knew that friendship between us all was all that he cared for.
Mr. Dixon placed me in the seat next to him and began to drive us home.
* * *
“So,” Mr. Dixon began as we rode back to Longbourn, “a regiment of soldiers. From what I have heard, women fall prey to the charm that a redcoat brings.”
“Are you worried about us?” I asked, jolly.
“I can see that it has put a large smile on your face.”
“You know that I try to smile wherever I may. And whenever I may. Well, if you are worried that we shall toss our hearts to the first officer who smiles at us, never fear. Mama has engrained in us the maxim of ‘we must marry a gentleman of a large enough fortune’.”
For a moment, he looked sad.
“And what is that look for?” I asked.
“It is the look of a man who has heard such a maxim so many times before. Everyone is rolling around, scraping, and scrapping for the best match, but will wealth give you everything that you all want?”
“Of course, it won’t,” I responded. My frankness made him look at me, surprised. “But it will suit our mama, who always is thinking of our security, as well as for herself if our father died. Her mind, like many a mother, is to marry us off to save the family, ourselves, and herself.” I leaned in, whispering, “That is Jane and Elizabeth’s duty, I believe. After all, they are the older sisters, and they have the greatest likelihood of making the ideal match. It’s been made very evident to me that I will not have such a brilliant life.”
“You are as pretty as your other sisters.”
“Thank you, but the world thinks differently. Either way, I am not upset with it. You see, I have a different desire—a different feeling.”
“And what is that?”
“I want adventure, Mr. Dixon. I want something else that is wholly unique. That is what makes me happy about seeing the officers. They offer us stories, compelling ideas, and thoughts about the horizon that is always out of our reach. I want them for their company, but I am not sure that I want anything else outside of common and harmless joy when seeing them. I want to find them charming and have them find me so. But I think that is the end of it all.”
He smiled at me.
“You are wise, Miss Kitty.”
I looked at him, around the edge of my bonnet.
“No one has ever called me that.”
“Then they are not looking at you properly.”
“Thank you, Mr. Dixon. I want to believe that you are right.”
He laughed as we rode along.
When we arrived home, Lydia and I raced into the house and told Mama everything about the way the regiment had entered Meryton. Mama was just as excited as we were after we finished our narration. She wanted every detail, and we were happy to tell it again and again. Initially, she had wanted to go herself, but she woke up that morning with a stomachache.
Eventually, all conversation was exhausted, and Father entered. Of course, he did not wish to hear anything about it, since it had nothing to do with his books, or whatever it was that interested him.
He deliberately ignored us by immediately playing a game of backgammon with Elizabeth.
While Mama was animated, dreaming and scheming if any of the officers might be men who were receiving a grand inheritance, I was able to reflect.
There was a hidden reason that I loved the idea of the regiment coming into town. Their arrival was a perfect distraction for me because it would give me the ability to move away from any feelings that I had for Mr. Bingley.
The weight of letting go was hard, but I was willing to bear it.
But now, with the entrance of many men in handsome redcoats, one pleasing image can shift your attention from another, and my heart could be lifted from an unwanted attraction.