Chapter Twelve

TWO TACITURN MEN

Another evening, another dinner party! This one, once more, was at Lucas Lodge, and I was glad about it. When we had a dinner party at Longbourn, Mama was always overcome by her nerves, and she sometimes turned the whole household upside down.

This evening, Lydia and I went there with no other motive than to have a wonderful time, because Charlotte informed Lizzy that a portion of the officers had been invited. This would give us a stronger chance of getting to know them.

“I just hope that Lieutenant Finlay does not talk to us, or even come near me,” I whispered to Lydia. “He truly makes me uncomfortable, and I feel as if I never had a voice. I cannot stand to be next to people who take away my composure. I feel like I am on fragile ground.”

“Never fear,” Lydia said, taking my hand. “He will come nowhere near us. And even if he does, Colonel Forster, Denny or Sanderson will be there for us to be able to ignore Lieutenant Finlay, and no one would notice.”

“You are the best sister,” I said to Lydia.

“I know!”

I pinched her and she pinched me back.

* * *

The party began in such a perfect sort of way. The officers were there for Lydia and me to be fully occupied. Mary was sitting with Mr. Atkins, who was the only man who could make her become animated. Elizabeth was talking with Charlotte and Colonel Forster when I spied on Mr. Darcy watching her.

Elizabeth knew that he despised her, and she returned the insult. Her resentment was not a shame to me, because I echoed her sentiments. If there was one person who equaled Lizzy’s disdain for Mr. Darcy, it was me. Yet, as I watched the rest of the room, in search of where Mr. Atkins and Sergeant Denny were, I glimpsed Mary. Her eyes were arrested on something in particular, and I didn’t know why my eyes did not look past her. But rather, I was curious. When I followed her gaze, I was surprised to see that she was staring at Mr. Darcy!

Perhaps she was watching him as he was watching Elizabeth and was worried that Mr. Darcy would say something else that was cruel to our sister. However, the look that Mary gave was not a look of defensiveness. But rather, it was a look of curiosity. If I didn’t know any better, I would say that she was studying Mr. Darcy’s face because she admired it. However, I learned to stop caring very much for Mary, so soon, I ceased to note her. As cold as this sounds of me, I had my reasons for being indifferent towards everything that Mary did. I loved her, for she was family. But she made it very hard to like her, quite often.

* * *

When Colonel Forster left Elizabeth, Charlotte closed in, and they said something together. I could tell from the way that they looked; they were speaking of Mr. Darcy.

Since I was not far from Elizabeth and Charlotte, I was able to listen in on their conversation. Lydia was engaging Denny and Carter in conversation, for the moment, so I had the time to listen attentively.

“What does Mr. Darcy mean,” Elizabeth questioned, “by listening to my conversation with Colonel Forster?”

“That is a question which Mr. Darcy only can answer.”

Charlotte elaborated.

“But if he does it anymore, I shall certainly let him know that I see what he is about. He has a very satirical eye, and if I do not begin by being impertinent myself, I shall soon grow afraid of him.”

I turned to Mary and saw her watching Mr. Darcy as he approached Lizzy and Charlotte. Although he neared them, he had no desire to say anything, but Elizabeth would not be satisfied.

“Did you not think, Mr. Darcy, that I expressed myself uncommonly well just now, when I was teasing Colonel Forster to give us a ball at Meryton?”

“With great energy,” Mr. Darcy responded, “but it is always a subject which makes a lady energetic.”

“You are severe on us.”

“It will be her turn soon to be teased,” Charlotte interjected. “I am going to open the instrument, Eliza, and you know what follows.”

“You are a very strange creature by way of a friend! Always wanting me to play and sing before anybody and everybody! If my vanity had taken a musical turn, you would have been invaluable.”

I was interrupted when I sensed some eyes on me. Out of the corner of my eye, I felt a weight, a looming presence. Turning around, I saw that Lieutenant Finlay was staring at me.

Immediately, I buckled under the pressure of his gaze. His eyes and face had the sharpness of a hawk, especially since his expression was so relentless and unafraid. Accidentally, my eyes met his, and the impertinence of the man. He did not look down, smile, or nod to me. But rather, he merely faced me, and displayed no shame, but cold frankness. I looked down at my lap and faced away from him, but the damage had been done.

Lieutenant Finlay approached and sat down opposite me. As he sat there, he stared at me again and said nothing.

“Sir?” I said, nodding to him.

“You—how are you, Miss Kitty?”

“I am well, Lieutenant, and are you enjoying yourself this evening?”

“I—you… you seem to be enjoying yourself by observing others and spying on their conversation.”

Instinctively, I fanned myself harder, to hide my annoyance with him.

“Seeing as how we are in a room, it is impossible to spy on anyone. You make it sound as if I was committing an affront. Also, you cannot speak yourself, because while I was watching others, you were watching me.”

His face was like stone.

“Quite.”

I stopped fanning myself.

“Do you have anything else to say?” I asked, at my wit’s end. Truly, I had no idea how to talk to this man.

“We have begun this conversation in a bad way,” he noted.

“You began the conversation, sir,” I said, “and therefore, I shall be the one to change it. Your cousin, Mr. Atkins, is a dear friend of our family.”

“So, I have gathered.”

“In your cousin, there is nothing wanting,” I added, “he is a worthy sort of man. While he may not be a gentleman, it doesn’t detract from his charms, let me assure you. You must be proud of him, and he may be proud of you, for being the protector of our national safety.”

“I do not approve of his choice of profession,” he continued, “the role of a solicitor is not a favorite choice of mine.”

“And what reason do you have for holding that lifestyle in disdain?”

“I can see that you do not approve of my opinion.”

“I do not.”

“Even before you have heard my reasons, or realize that I have the right to have an opinion outside of yourself?”

“You are putting words in my mouth. It is not fair. And I’m not sure that I like you.”

He did not speak at this. Rather, he merely looked at me.

“But tell me,” I responded, talking now even without thinking, “why do you look so meanly on those who study the law?”

“Your respect for the trade and my dislike of it is an indication of our differences of upbringing and lifestyle. Since I spent most of my life in town, I have gathered a wider acquaintance with the ways of the world. As a result, very often have I seen solicitors be nothing more than authoritative leeches. Their profession is law, but very rarely do they know how to wield it properly. Instead, it is usually administered with a cold corruption, and is influenced by outside forces. The law, as it is practiced in society, very rarely coincides with actual justice.”

“But your cousin is not like that. He could very well be a wise solicitor if he eventually rises above his current position. You cannot think of him so meanly.”

“I do not hate my cousin. I merely think he should have made a better choice. He made a mistake.”

“If you have given yourself the right to think as you choose, then so does he, and so do I. I do not agree, and you may think my answer is out of ignorance. My feelings will not be moved.”

We were interrupted when Elizabeth had been invited to play at the pianoforte. And I welcomed it!

Lieutenant Finlay had quite exhausted me. Even more so, I had no notion of all that I had said. It came out without thinking. Never before had I pursued such a serious conversation—but then I realized… no one had ever engaged a serious conversation with me before. It slowly gave me a headache, and I was not sure that I ever wanted to be so serious again.

We all turned to hear Elizabeth play and sing.

* * *

Elizabeth’s performance was not perfect, but it was lovely. Though not being proficient, she played without pretense, and everyone enjoyed her performance.

As she played, I could not help but turn my eye to Mr. Darcy. His face remained like stone, almost like a statue, had it not been for his legs. Instinctively, he was moving through the crowd so that he could get a better view of her as she played. Whether it was because he wanted to criticize her performance or he was enthralled by it, I knew not. A better person would have to analyze the scene, and not myself. I did not know or care what Mr. Darcy was feeling, but like it or not, Elizabeth was a subject that he could not fully ignore. I was happy that he ignored me.

After Elizabeth sang another Irish melody, we all clapped for her.

“Do you play?” Came a voice behind me. I turned and Lieutenant Finlay had moved from his seat and had come closer to me, behind the couch. Startled, I blurted out without thinking.

“No, I do not.”

“Ah,” was all that he said, and then he walked away. Immediately, I felt my cheeks redden. No doubt he was considering me as inferior to Elizabeth because I was not musical. Well, neither was Jane nor Lydia, so ha! But of course, he did not know that, so he must have been secretly triumphing over me. I felt flushed and overcome. Instead, I was certain that he found me to be inferior in some way. He clearly had too good an opinion of himself.

Soon, Elizabeth finished playing, and curtsied to the clapping that she received.

“Mary will sing now, Lizzy,” Mama said. This led to Mary actively jumping up and replacing Elizabeth at the piano.

“This is not going to be good, for all her playing,” Lydia whispered to me.

“I know. Since Mary has no choice but to always be regarded as the ‘plain’ one out of us, she tries to compensate for nature not being kind to her by acquiring talent.”

“What do you mean by that?” Denny asked us.

“You will see,” Lydia continued, unashamed, “she works hard for knowledge and accomplishments, and is always impatient for display. But she has neither genius nor taste, and though vanity has given her application, it has also given her likewise a pedantic air and conceited manner. Wait, you will see.”

Mary began to play, and Lydia could not have been more accurate. Elizabeth’s playing was easy and unaffected, and it was evident that she was more enjoyable to listen to, even though Mary was the more accomplished player. And yet, Mary’s concerto was listened to patiently, but not as enjoyed.

As she played, I looked at Mr. Darcy. His eyes said it all. He found Mary to be as foolish as me, but I dare say that he stored his contempt for me and Lydia the most. With Elizabeth, it was a conundrum. He may have despised her at first, but now I was not so certain. Yet, I would never know about that.

And then, like a moth to a flame, I had no choice but to steal a glance at Lieutenant Finlay. As Mary played, he scratched his chin and didn’t look at her at all. But he saw me staring at him, and I looked away, in shame once more.

That was it! I had reached the edge of my tolerance and I was resolved to not care about either man more. If I chose to care for their bad opinion, then I would not sleep for the rest of the week. It was not to be borne.

When Mary finished, the clapping was polite, but Lydia was of another mindset.

“Since Mary loves to play, and I love to dance,” Lydia wailed, “I long for the Boulanger!”

“Let’s ask Mary if she will be willing to play some Scottish or Irish airs for us,” I said, “but first, we must see if we have partners. Mr. Atkins, can you oblige?”

“Yes, I can,” Mr. Atkins replied, “most ardently.”

“And of the rest, I am of no doubt,” Lydia said, turning to the officers. “Denny, Captain Carter and Sanderson, I know that you must long for a dance, do you not?”

“I do—do, Miss Lydia,” Sanderson stuttered, “very much.”

Denny and Carter agreed.

“Then she will do it for us!” Lydia cried, grabbing my hand. Taking me over to Mary, we began our appeal.

“Mary,” Lydia said, “we need you to play something jolly.”

“Yes,” I said, “we want to dance. Play that piece that you were practicing yesterday morning. One of those Irish melodies.”

“Very well,” Mary said, happy that we offered her a means of showing her talents.

Denny, Sanderson, and Captain Carter joined us, along with Liam, Maria, and young Orwell Lucas. Mr. Atkins could not dance, because he had to turn the pages for Mary, but there was enough amusement.

As we lined up, I passed Mr. Darcy. I could practically feel the scowl that was on his face. Also, I had passed Colonel Forster, who had been talking with Lieutenant Finlay. Despite my desires to never hear what the latter thought or felt, I sadly had the fate of hearing words that were not meant for me.

“It is always amusing to see the lightness of young ladies,” Colonel Forster noted, “it reminds me of what we are working so hard to protect.”

“I find that I cannot agree with you, sir. This was a dinner party of talk and discussion. There is no room for a dance.”

“And why not? Finlay, who ever told you that smiling and happiness were shallow things should have been court-martialed, lined up against a wall and shot.”

“I do not despise natural liveliness, but only when a young lady or gentleman cannot ever think on anything seriously. When that happens, it is a sad day indeed.”

“You are still young enough to think that a life lived with merriment is not a life worth living. Wait till you get my age. Then you will realize that happiness is the only thing that matters.”

I had two enemies that evening: Mr. Darcy and Lieutenant Finlay.

Yet I joined the dance all the same, and that was my walk of defiance. I danced, I laughed, and I was happy, while they stood there, being the most disagreeable men that I had ever met.

I was tired of being shackled down to principles of others that didn’t exist! Principles that restrained those of us who were harmless, and these restraints were placed on us by those who were harmful. I hurt no one by dancing. But men such as Mr. Darcy and Lieutenant Finlay hurt many people, by their constant criticisms.

* * *

Hypocrisy, thy name is Darcy!

What a world we live in when people cannot see their own folly?

Mr. Darcy, who had been scorning us with his indignant looks when we began to dance, suddenly had a turn of mind.

At some point, Elizabeth had passed his way when he was speaking to Sir William. Even as we danced, I could see that Sir William had presented Elizabeth to Darcy as a dancing partner. Mr. Darcy obviously agreed to dance with her, but it was Elizabeth who had been the one to pull away.

What a delicious turn of events. The proud Mr. Darcy stooped to join the activity that he looked on us in disdain, only to be upbraided by Lizzy’s choice to not be so fickle in her principles.

Later that evening, I wrote in my journal all that occurred…

Always I know how it shall be. The proud, conceited, and self-important, prop themselves up on morals that they only practice at their leisure. But when circumstances turn their practices upside down, they give way to even worse behavior than they ridiculed. Their morals are as changeable as them.

Well, say what you will for all of them, and fie what they think of me! For Kitty Bennet is no liar. I speak as I feel and do not pretend to be something that I am not. I am not false, and even more-so, I am harmless. While they cause harm in their wake and cast aspersions at individuals such as me.

I know how the world is, no matter what people think of me. Like Colonel Forster said, I merely discovered what is important in life. It is gaiety—chase it!

They are all such fools.