Lydia and I were all talk on the way home of our time spent with the officers’ wives. While Lydia was happy to have much to talk about, there was one thing that was still weighing on my mind.
“What are you fretting over?” Lydia noted. “You look too serious for my liking. I don’t like it when you get serious. Strange things happen when you do.”
“I was just thinking about what Mrs. O’Connor told us about those Dashwood women.”
“What of them?”
“Well, it is like us. Mama always talks about how, when our father dies, we will be left penniless and without a home. I did not think of it, until now. Hearing that such a thing can happen, and has happened, makes it all feel so…real. Till now, I never embraced the reality of that.”
“And, so, what will you do? Marry the soonest man that will ask you? Even if he is a clergyman!”
“I never said that. I just was thinking about it all.”
“And I don’t like you like this. No, we will not think of that. Papa is still healthy and shows no sign of being ill in any way. We don’t have to think of this.”
“But should we though? Maybe Mama is correct to be so worried all the time. I admit, that maybe, in some way… she is right.”
“Believe her to be right, but don’t lower our spirits because of it.” She took my hands and began to twirl me around. “Let us think of officers, of balls that may happen, and that all will turn out well, in the end. Officers may fall in love with us, violently. We shall marry dashing men and be happy!”
“I know that I wish to find joy!” I laughed as she continued to twirl us around. “But I don’t think I want to get married just yet. It seems just unnatural.”
“Then do not focus on marriage, but of dancing and balls! Just listen to me…we shall always be happy. Nothing tragic shall ever befall us. It is decided between us that we shall be happy forever!”
Lydia’s behavior was infectious. Soon I realized that there was no point in worrying about a future that had not occurred yet, and the present was all that mattered. Gaiety; just chase it!
Becoming too dizzy, we collapsed on the grass of the field that we had been walking through.
“Yes,” I agreed, “we will be happy forever. Our lives reside under a perfect star.”
Above us were clouds and the sky looked down with its best blueness. Somewhere in the world, there was danger, tragedy, unfairness, unevenness of fate, imbalance, fragile equilibriums, and somewhere, someone’s cake was going stale. But not here, in Hertfordshire. Here, we were above such misfortunes.
* * *
When we returned home, we were greeted by everyone, except for Jane and Elizabeth.
“Where is Eliza?” I asked, worried. “Should she not have returned by now?”
“I’m sure there is no need to worry,” Mama responded, “she probably is just not aware of what time it is and is staying at Netherfield Park longer than she expected.”
Soon before dinner, we received our answer by way of a servant from Netherfield Park. Riding down on horseback, he sent us a message of Elizabeth being requested to remain in Netherfield Park, to nurse Jane.
“If Jane needs nursing, then that means she really must be ill?” Mary noted, worried.
“Oh, I am sure that she will be well,” Mama rushed out, reading the letter. “Elizabeth has requested clothes to be sent up. Oh, that complicated girl!”
“She was right to go,” Father stated simply, but so sincerely, that our mother was silenced. “And if compassion and familial consideration are symptoms of impropriety, then that means that moral people are offending every day of our lives.”
“Mr. Bennet, you mistook my meaning.”
“Did I? It is so difficult to tell anymore.”
“Hill?” Mama called our servant. Hill entered and Mama ordered her to fetch Elizabeth’s best clothes, place them in her portmanteau, and given to the Netherfield servant. It was done so, and he was dispatched.
“Elizabeth and Jane not being present at dinner,” Father grumbled. “How ever shall we manage to end the dinner without kicking each other out of the room?”
“You speak nonsense, my dear,” Mama voiced.
“I suppose that your habits are finally beginning to become mine.”
With Jane and Elizabeth gone, we sat down to dinner. It all felt very strange.
“Yes,” I noted, filled with a strange sort of disquiet. “Their absence does make the dinner table feel imbalanced, I suppose.”
“I did not expect you to have such a reflection,” Father observed. “Rather, it is nice to know that you have finally managed to say something that is wise.”
His insult was stronger than his compliment, so I didn’t look at him.
The next day brought another letter from Elizabeth, elaborating on Jane’s condition. When it arrived, I was the soonest to grab hold of it. Lydia tried to snatch it from me, but I placed it behind my back and ran into the sitting room, where everyone else was.
“News from Netherfield,” I remarked, “Mama, please let me read it.”
“No, I want to read it,” Lydia objected.
“It’s in my hand.”
“But I’ve got the better voice.”
“No, you do not. I do.”
“Oh girls, will you have done?” Mama groaned. “Kitty already has it, so let her read it, Lydia.”
Surprised that she favored me in that moment, I opened the letter and began to read.
Dear mama, father, and sisters,
I spent most of yesterday and the night in Jane’s room. This morning, she is a little better, but she is still in a fragile way. Mother and father, I wish for you to visit, so you can determine the best judgment to be undertaken. For my part, it is difficult to say what is best. Complete rest is preferred, however, I do not wish to impose our company on the Netherfield household for much longer.
Mr. Bingley is amiable, concerned about Jane’s condition, and is very accepting of our company in his home. Yet our presence here will inevitably try the patience of the ladies of the household. And already Mr. Darcy has shown his despicable spirit. I worry that being here might do more harm to our reputation than good.
Come as soon as you can.
Elizabeth
“Eliza is being most unfair to Mr. Darcy,” Mary declared.
“What are you talking of?” I protested. “She speaks of him perfectly. He is the most disagreeable man that I have ever met—and is severe and has a condescending brow.”
“But does he?” she asked. “Or maybe he is very serious, and it gets misinterpreted. If Elizabeth is looking on him with a prejudiced eye, perhaps she misconstrues his meaning to things.”
“Mary,” Lydia pointed out, “he was cruel to Elizabeth when they met, don’t you remember?”
“Precisely, Mary,” Mama supported, standing up, “do not speak of things that is very evident to everyone else—the man is the worst.”
Truly, why was Mary defending Mr. Darcy? From what I recall, this was not the first time that she attempted to explain his proud disposition. In the next second, I understood why she empathized with him. For she and him were similar in the way that they both had a natural tendency toward gravity. Oh well! I wasn’t in the mood to ask her.
“Elizabeth might be making it sound worse than it is,” Mama remarked, getting up. “The last thing that I intend is to have Jane return home immediately. Mark my words, if she stays at Netherfield Park for a little longer, Mr. Bingley will be half on the way to falling in love with her. Lydia, Mary, and Kitty, get your things. We are going to Netherfield Park.”
“I have my studies,” Mary said, “I need to practice a new piece today.”
“Oh, very well. Lydia and Kitty, you will oblige me.”
Lydia and I accepted eagerly and soon we were on our way to Netherfield Park. Since it was three miles in a carriage, the journey was very short and soon the three of us were announced.
Elizabeth rushed down the steps to greet us, and while she did so, Mr. Bingley, Mr. Darcy, Mr. Hurst, and the Bingley sisters stood a little apart from us.
“I am so happy to see you,” Elizabeth said, coming up to us. Lydia and I embraced her, and we followed her up the stairs, to Jane’s room.
As we did so, I stole a glance at all the household’s occupants. Miss Bingley and Mrs. Hurst were whispering things to each other, while there was a judgmental look in their eyes. They were looking down on us. Mr. Hurst looked bored and as if he had nothing to say at all. Mr. Bingley looked kind, was affable, and attentive to us. And lastly there was Mr. Darcy himself. I do not know what power possessed me to look at him, for surely nothing good could come of it. And I was too right. His eyes followed Elizabeth, stern. Lastly, he turned to Mama, Lydia, and me. If there was any way that he could have hardened his expression even more, he found a way. What, therefore, could be upsetting him now? Or did he shrivel away at the mere sight of Elizabeth and our presence?
* * *
“Oh, my dear, my dear!” Mama shrieked when all of us were in Jane’s sick room. The door had been closed and we were shut away from any prying eyes.
“Oh, Mama,” Jane croaked, her throat still a little sore. “I feel like such a terrible imposition. I feel so foolish under the weight of their kindness.”
“Oh, hush about that,” Mama assured her as Lydia and I sat on the bed, both of us a little spiritless when seeing Jane looking ill. “Mr. Bingley is clearly happy to have you here, and so am I. For truly, you are in as much comfort here as you would be at home.”
“With any hope, I wish to return home tomorrow.”
“No, no, no, we will have none of that. You will stay an entire week complete.”
“Mama, that is too much!”
“No, rather, it is just enough. If you were downstairs with us, you would see how Mr. Bingley is overjoyed with you being here, and the company that he receives because of it. The look of reverence and admiration. Jane, even when you are ill, you always manage to do what is best for your family.”
“And how are you?” I asked. “You look better than I expected, however, is it worse within?”
“Precisely,” Lydia added, “if you are dying, do not hide it, and tell us, so the doctor can be here every day.”
“Lydia, you are exaggerating things as much as Elizabeth,” Mama noted, caressing Jane’s cheek. “Jane, you are getting better, are you not? I have seen you when you are very ill, and I am pleased to see that you are on the road to a full recovery.”
“Because of Eliza’s attentions to me and the doctor’s prescriptions,” Jane added, “I am very much feeling better. Though I am not fully on the mend, I know that there is nothing more the matter with me. I am sorry if my illness alarmed you.”
“Even when you are sick and bedridden, you still feel sorry for imposing yourself on others,” Lizzy said quietly. “I suppose Jane shall be Jane till the very end, when all the rest of us have become sordid under the ways of the world.”
Mama did not know how to reply to this, so she continued to speak to Jane. Able to untangle myself from the trio, I moved toward Lizzy, who was standing further away from the group, and more against the wall.
I was curious, and I had questions. Therefore, I moved next to her and stood by her as she watched the scene.
“Jane puts on strong faces, but you will tell me the truth. Is she really getting better?”
“I am happy to hear you so serious in your affections,” Elizabeth said, “and it is comical how a sick sister can bring out your gravity. Then again, I suppose that it should be the main thing to be grieved over.” Lizzy took my hand and held it. “Yes, Kitty. I do believe that she will be doing better and will soon have a full recovery.”
“Good. And what of you? What has spending the night at Netherfield Park been like?”
Elizabeth rolled her eyes.
“I have only been here for a day and a half and already it feels like a day too long.”
“Really?”
“They are a people who will brook no argument, their standards of what make an accomplished woman are too high for practical reach. They firmly believe that a woman is not accomplished unless she can play, sing, know many languages, has mastered many different fields of study, must know how to draw, paint, dance, read, and something in her air and expressions, in the tone of her voice, and her manner of walking. If she does not excel at all these things, then she is not an accomplished woman.”
“I have never seen such a woman.”
“That is precisely what I told them, Kitty. Precisely what I told them. I ended the evening with the Bingley sisters altogether embarrassed at the dirt on my hem from my walking, down to my blousy hair. By the end of the evening, they wished that they had never known me. Mr. Bingley is the only balm to this trial. They also have made rash judgments about me. Mr. Hurst considered me singular for preferring reading to cards, Miss Bingley declared that I took pleasure in reading, and had no pleasure in anything else. Yet, I had no occasion or care to lose my temper at them. First, I am in their home, and second, I could easily withstand their contempt.”
“But what about Mr. Darcy? Before I arrived, Mary was philosophizing about how Mr. Darcy is perhaps not as bad as we would think him to be.”
“She is correct. He is not as bad—he is worse.”
I chuckled.
“Why does he hate us so?” I asked.
“It is me that he hates.”
“No, he despises me as well.”
“Let me guess. He did not like the color of your gowns, or thinks that when you show any signs of happiness, you are causing offense?”
“Precisely.”
“He is a hateful man. Do not allow his words to mean anything to you. Nor care for the Bingley sisters, or Mrs. Hurst’s insipid husband. There is a littleness to them all, excepting Mr. Bingley.”
“Yes,” I echoed. “Except for him. Oh well, at least there is someone good enough for Jane.”
And it was true. I had completely overcome my jealousy, and I was quite proud of it. Of course, I would continue to seek out the officers, to help me shift my attentions from my disappointed affections—and for good measure. But my resolution had saved me.
I chose to relinquish any hopes of Mr. Bingley. So, I did.
I chose not to be jealous of Jane, and only happy for her. So, I did.
I was amazed at my own ability to control the matters of my heart—at least where heartache was concerned. But if someone were to cancel a dance! No, I do believe that I would cry. It is the little things in life that I shall weep over. But larger things that ought to knock me down—no, I think I could withstand it with fortitude.
“Yes,” Elizabeth said, happily. “We are to be happy that she has found the only man in England worthy of her.”
“If they get married, then we will be saved. We will. Yes, yes, we will.”
Elizabeth gave me a strange look.
“I never heard you speak about the entailment before.”
“I suffered a bit of a shock.”
“Tell me more.”
“I don’t want to talk about it. I will only say this: our future is fragile. Oh, I do hope they get married. If they do, then I won’t have to worry about anything.”
“Tell me what has made you become more serious,” she urged, “I am dying to know.”
“Why, when you know that it is not merry?”
“Because ever since the officers have come into town, you talk of nothing else. It’s nice to hear you speak of a serious subject matter.”
“Elizabeth, you must stop being so prudish.”
“I am not.”
“Are too.”
“Am not.”
“Are too.”
“Am not.”
“Girls, quiet!” Mama cried. “Can you not see that I am talking?”
Elizabeth and I suppressed a smile and obeyed.