I would admit, though only to myself, that sitting in the living room watching TV while Matt worked at his desk was one of my favorite things. He typed away at his computer like his life depended upon it, even though it was Saturday afternoon. I knew he was able to remotely log in to his work computer from home, and he often had things he had to take care of even on his days off. I had to leave for work in about an hour, but these moments, me sitting there flipping through the channels, him sitting at his computer, were truly companionable. And I loved it. I was not made to be alone.
Of course, it would have been a hell of a lot easier on me if he wasn’t wearing a pair of shorts made out of some stretchy material that clung to his thighs. His legs were muscular and long, the blond hair so light it was hard to see sometimes, but I had no doubt I’d be able to feel it if I ran my hands along them. He had great legs. I was pretty sure he knew I thought so, and that was why he was wearing the tiny shorts in the first place. I realized we had the heat on, but didn’t he know it was thirty degrees outside? It was the middle of October, for Christ’s sake.
“Is it that you have attachment or commitment issues?” he asked suddenly, startling me out of my TV coma.
“What the hell are you talking about?” I grumbled.
“It would make sense,” he continued conversationally. “You never knew your father; your mother passed away; Carrie moved out and left you. So, yeah, it would make sense that you would be wary about making a commitment to someone else.”
I did a slow pan over to him because he was talking crazy, to see that he’d turned his chair to face me. “No. I don’t have commitment issues.”
Matt’s lips turned down into a frown. He looked genuinely confused. “Then why haven’t you made a move on me?”
I turned my attention back to the TV. I had no idea what was on the screen, but I kept my attention firmly fixed there. There was no way in hell I was going to have this conversation.
“Alex.” He said my name softly, with a hint of pleading in his voice. When I didn’t turn to look at him, he gave a frustrated sigh. “I see the way you look at me. You try to hide it, but I see. I know you find me attractive.”
I was listening raptly, but I continued to pretend to ignore him.
“You know damn well how I feel about you. How much I want you. There’s no way you could miss it. I’ve made it blatantly obvious.”
He had—that was true. Whenever we were together, at any point in the past four years I had known him, he was always making suggestive comments. But since he had moved in, it had become even more obvious. A casual touch on the arm lingered far longer than necessary. Matt always shoved his fingers through my hair if he walked behind the couch while I was sitting on it. His body brushed up against mine if we passed each other in the hall. There was that whole after-run bathroom ritual for fuck’s sake. I’d never done anything to acknowledge it. But I sure hadn’t discouraged it either.
“You can’t say that we aren’t compatible. We’ve been living together for months, and our relationship just keeps getting stronger. We enjoy each other’s company. We get along like pancakes and syrup. We’d be great together, and you know it. So, if it’s not the commitment thing, then what is it?”
Compatible didn’t even begin to describe how well we fit together. Even when we annoyed each other or pissed each other off, we got over it quickly and moved on. I’d never had this kind of connection with anyone. But still, I said nothing.
“Dammit, Alex! Tell me!” he yelled. That made my gaze snap back to his. I didn’t think I’d ever heard him raise his voice like that, not even when he was arguing with his siblings. I was genuinely surprised to see real anger on his face. His green eyes blazed, and his features were hard and set. If I hadn’t been so pissed off myself, I probably would have thought the intense emotions on his face were hot.
“Tell me,” he commanded once again, his voice quieter but still very firm. “I want the truth. What the fuck is holding you back?”
I snapped. I didn’t know if it was his tone of voice or the hard look on his face, but suddenly I wanted him to know exactly what kept me from grabbing his hips, pushing him against the wall, and kissing him until he forgot how to breathe. Because I would have done that years ago if it hadn’t been for one thing.
“Fine! You want to know? The truth is you act like I’m some sort of hero. From the moment I met you, you had this whole hero-worship thing going on. And I can’t live up to that! I wasn’t going to start something with you only to have you leave me when you figured out I wasn’t some damned hero. If that means I have commitment issues, then I guess I do!” I yelled it at him. I hadn’t meant to be angry, to let that show, but the more I said, the more I realized I was angry. I wanted him so much and on so many levels. But he’d put me on a pedestal I was destined to fall off. I wasn’t going to set myself up for failure.
He just blinked, nonplussed. I knew I had surprised him with that. But then, slowly, a smile broke out on his face. It was small and tentative, but it was definitely a smile. I couldn’t help the scowl that crossed my own features. This wasn’t some damn joke.
He hadn’t moved from his seat the entire time, just turned the chair around to face me, and now he wheeled it closer until he was at the edge of the couch, close enough to touch. “How could you ever love me if I treated you like you were ordinary?” he asked softly.
Now it was my turn to stare. I had no idea what to say to that.
Matt’s smile grew a little wider. “Oscar Wilde. ‘Never love anyone who treats you like you’re ordinary.’ Alex, you are a hero. You’re my hero, and you have been since I met you. But it’s simply because of all the things you are, who you are, not just because of your job. Believe me, I am fully aware of your faults. Doesn’t diminish my feelings for you in the least.”
If this had been any other conversation, I would have made some witty quip about how I didn’t have any faults. But he’d totally thrown me off my game. The whole time I’d known him, I’d been treating him like a kid with a case of hero worship, instead of like a man who knew what he wanted. I couldn’t downshift that fast, and the change in perspective was completely overwhelming.
I stood up quickly. “I have to get ready for work.”
He frowned, and I watched his eyes flick to the clock. “You don’t have to be there for more than an hour. It takes you ten minutes to get to the station.”
“The roads are crappy. All this freezing rain…It’ll take me longer to get there. And I might be needed.” I was already walking down the hall to my bedroom. When he called my name, I ignored him. I got dressed in my uniform as quickly as possible. He didn’t say anything to me when I walked back out to the front door. I was grateful.