part0021

There is a great deal of mysticism about finding a life partner. In the old movies, the hero and the heroine look across the room and, as their eyes meet for the first time, they immediately know that they are meant for each other. Many young people are told that “when the right one comes along, you will know.” In the Disney movie, the wise owl tells Bambi and Thumper that animals suddenly get twitterpated in the spring. The Bible, however, warns that feelings, including romantic attraction and infatuation, can often be misleading. Hearts are deceitful (Jer. 17:9); charm and beauty are seductive (Prov. 31:30a); and in many cases, “There is a way which seems right to a man, but its end is the way of death” (Prov. 14:12). Samson thought he had found “love at first sight” (Judg. 14:1–2; 16:4). In the end, however, what he believed to be love was only his lust, which then proved to be his ruin. Single people must guard their hearts and have biblical priorities as they look for a spouse. Scripture tells them that nothing is more important in a marriage partner than possessing fear of the Lord: “But a woman who fears the LORD , she shall be praised” (Prov. 31:30b).

Many Christians have been told that they should look for the special person whom God has picked out just for them. While it is true that God in his sovereign will has determined whom we will marry, Scripture does not teach that we should expect mystical guidance in finding the perfect spouse. We are responsible to make a wise choice based on what God has revealed in his fully sufficient Word (Ps. 119:105). As in the story of Samson (with Delilah), God will not always prevent someone from making unwise or even sinful choices. I have known people who thought God had—through an impression, a fleece, or some other mystical means—told them whom to marry. In most of these cases, the objective examination of the prospective partner would have demonstrated that he or she was unsuited to be a godly spouse. Such marriages are usually very unhappy, with the believers who made the foolish choice often being tempted to blame God. In reality, they are victims of their own misguided theology.

There are biblical limitations on whom you may marry. Scripture forbids marriage between close relatives (Lev. 18:8–18). Is one party still legally married to someone else? Has one of you been unlawfully divorced? Jesus says, “Whoever divorces his wife, except for immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery” (Matt. 19:9; see also questions 31–33). Are there other unresolved entanglements from the past, such as children from prior relationships, an existing relationship such as a previous engagement, etc.? Both parties must have such issues resolved in a godly way before they are free to enter into a marriage that will honor the Lord.

According to Scripture, a believer should not even consider dating or courting an unbeliever. The old covenant forbade the Israelites from marrying outside the covenant community: “You shall not intermarry with them; you shall not give your daughters to their sons, nor shall you take their daughters for your sons. For they will turn your sons away from following Me to serve other gods; then the anger of the LORD will be kindled against you and He will quickly destroy you” (Deut. 7:3–4). In the New Testament, Paul issues a general warning about being “bound together” with unbelievers (2 Cor. 6:14–18). He also explicitly mentions his right to “take along a believing wife” (1 Cor. 9:5), and likewise tells widows that they are free to remarry whom they will, “only in the Lord”—that is, only a Christian (1 Cor. 7:39). The tragic example of King Solomon, whose heart was drawn away from the Lord by foreign wives, serves as a warning for those who would disobey these commands (1 Kings 11:1–8). If the wisest man who ever lived could be turned into a fool by marrying outside the faith, how much more should we all beware of our own romantic choices?

Some Christians claim that they plan to use their dating relationship for the purpose of evangelizing their boyfriend or girlfriend. Paul says that they can’t know whether they can lead another person to faith: “For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will save your wife?” (1 Cor. 7:16). When a believer opts to pursue a romantic relationship with an unbeliever, it is usually the believer who is being influenced. The very fact that a believer is willing to choose this other person over his or her relationship with the Lord is a dangerous compromise. More compromises are likely to follow.

Nor is it enough that someone merely professes to be a believer. Scripture warns that many who claim to be followers of Jesus prove to be false (Luke 8:13–14; James 2:14–26; 1 John 2:19). I have seen several cases in which people will claim to be Christians, or will pretend to become Christians, so that they can court or marry a certain believer. In more than one case, tragedy (abuse and/or divorce) resulted. When considering marriage, you must look beyond someone’s profession for evidence of a vital relationship with the Lord. According to Jesus, “You will know them by their fruits” (Matt. 7:20). Do they exhibit the fruit of the Holy Spirit (Gal. 5:22–23), or are they characterized by the deeds of the flesh (5:19–21)? Are they committed, serving members of a biblical church? Do they have a good reputation with their church leaders? These are all good indicators of a person’s true spiritual state.

Even real Christians may not be prepared for marriage. Someone who is young in the faith may still need to work through some serious sin issues (e.g., lust) or may need to grow spiritually in the understanding of the grace and love of Christ, so that he or she will be able to exercise such grace and love with a spouse. Some true believers may lack the personal maturity required to take on the responsibilities of being a spouse and a parent, or may not yet have the capability to fulfill their godly role in the marriage.

Because most people rely almost solely on physical and emotional attraction, I began by emphasizing the objective aspects of choosing a spouse. It is important first to be sure that he or she is a committed believer who is ready to assume the responsibilities of marriage (Prov. 31:30). While it is true that romantic feelings can be deceptive, it does not mean that we must completely disregard them. Some might wonder, “Does it matter whether we are attracted to each other?”

From the standpoint of Scripture, it is possible for two mature believers who share a biblical view of marriage to have a successful marriage even if they were not greatly attracted to each other physically or emotionally before marriage. Throughout history, many couples have entered into marriage, often arranged through their families, before they knew each other well (for instance, Isaac and Rebekah in Genesis 24). God arranged the very first marriage, between Adam and Eve. While I am not advocating a return to arranged marriages, my point is that two people who have shared values can make a marriage work. In the play Fiddler on the Roof, Tevye sings the song “Do You Love Me?” to his wife, Golde, as they recall their arranged marriage twenty-five years before. They conclude that they did learn to love each other as they shared life together.

While objective qualifications are the most important (and most neglected) considerations in choosing a spouse, I do believe that it is important for one to be attracted to the person whom he or she is considering marrying. God’s design is that a husband and wife find delight in each other, both physically and emotionally (Prov. 5:18; Song 1:2). Most people would not want to be married to someone who did not find them to be attractive and delightful. Leah suffered because Jacob did not love her the same way he loved Rachel (Gen. 29:30–31). It would not be fair to marry someone merely for being the logical choice.

Single believers must exercise great caution when considering romantic relationships. It is all too easy to become emotionally and/ or physically entangled with the wrong person (Prov. 7:21; 31:30a). Frequently, pride leads people astray: “He who trusts in his own heart is a fool” (28:26a). It is all too easy to fall in love with someone who does not measure up to biblical standards.

In addition, single believers should carefully study what the Bible says about Christian maturity in general and the marriage roles in particular. First, believers should examine themselves to ascertain how they need to grow and learn to become the kind of people that women or men of godly excellence would want to marry. Then they should study the Word of God (e.g., Prov. 31:10–31; Eph. 5:22–33) to know what qualities they should look for in a prospective spouse. I often give an assignment to single believers to make a prioritized list of the characteristics that they are looking for in a mate. Biblical requirements come first, followed by personal preferences (e.g., common interests and hobbies, physical appearance). Finally, I encourage them to pray for a future wife or husband in light of this list and to use the list to objectively evaluate any prospects who may enter their lives.

It is wise for single believers to take advantage of the wisdom of those in the body of Christ who have happy and successful marriages. While some of us grew up in homes with exemplary marriages, many of us have not had close exposure to a marriage that reflects God’s design. It is beneficial for single believers to spend time with, and seek counsel from, couples whose marriages enjoy God’s rich blessings. They will thus be able to determine what to seek in a spouse, as well as what they should strive for in their role as a husband or wife.