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Zack’s voice crackled, and then faded out. We found them. My heart thundered. I couldn’t tell from his voice whether it was good news or bad. Spots danced before my eyes, and I forced myself to breathe. No asphyxiation here, thank you. Air whistled in and out of my lungs again, and then I heard Zack speak.
“Masterton.”
The S&R base. They were being choppered out. Dear God. It must be serious.
Jasper rested his hands on my shoulders and squeezed. It centered me. “We didn’t hear that,” he said. “Please repeat.”
More radio silence, and then a popping noise. Zack’s voice came back faint, but audible. “Repeat—they are fine. Over.”
My lips wobbled, and I had to close my eyes.
“Zack, are you okay?” Worry threaded Holly’s words.
“All good. Heading back. Over and out.”
“Thank God.” Tears trickled down my cheeks, and I rubbed them away with my knuckles. Jasper and Holly spoke over my head, but I blocked them out.
“Hey.” Jasper claimed the seat next to me and tugged me into his arms. “It’s good news. Don’t cry.”
I laughed through my tears. It was croaky and slightly hysterical, but a laugh all the same. “I’m relieved. I was scared.” I swallowed hard and picked up my phone. “I need to tell my mum, in case she hasn’t heard.”
It beeped with a text from Iain before I could do anything.
They were found. All ok. More news soon.
We had a tight hug, the three of us, and I cried a little more. The idea of anything happening to Dad always seemed ridiculous until now. I vowed silently to make more of an effort with my parents, and not to get so easily offended by their thoughtlessness. I was lucky to have them both. It was more than Jasper and Holly did.
Relief, on top of no sleep, made me bone-achingly weary. Over the next half an hour, I spoke to Iain and Mum, and learned that transport was being arranged to pick up the trampers from the Masterton S&R base. I wasn’t needed for anything. Iain promised to give me the whole story when he found out, and I had to make do with that.
The media had little more information, and after yawning my head off, I accepted an offer to lie in Jasper’s room for a nap.
I collapsed onto his bed, fully dressed, and he tugged a comforter over me. “Get some rest,” he said. “I’ll wake you if there’s any change.”
I didn’t want him to leave. I felt as helpless as a small child. “Stay with me?” Jasper lay down beside me, and I snuggled into his arms. He made everything feel better. “I don’t know what I’d have done without you, this last week,” I said.
He huffed a laugh. “You’d have been fine. You’re stronger than you think, Caitlin.”
You’re bombproof. Bruce’s words echoed in my brain. Why did everyone see me like that?
“I’m serious. The café; making sure I was okay at my place during the blackout; and last night... You’ve been—” Wonderful? Amazing?
“Don’t say I’m nice. That’s like an insult to my manhood.”
I traced circles on his chest with my finger. “Okay. Not nice.”
“That’s as bad.”
“You must have been worried about Cindy, too.”
“A little. It’s weird. Like I said, I was totally into her for so long, but now I wonder what the fuck I saw in her.”
“Maybe she was right for you at the time?”
“Maybe I wised up.” He hesitated. “I had a lot of growing up to do. And I still do. I don’t know when I’ll be ready for another relationship.”
So he didn’t think of us as a relationship. That hurt, and it confirmed my fears. “When you are, let me know. You’re worth waiting for.” I made my tone playful, but he didn’t say anything for the longest time.
“Caitlin, I’m worried you think this is more than it is.”
Who was he trying to convince? Frustration bubbled in my veins. “Okay. Cards-on-table time. Right?” I rushed in before he could reply. “What do you think this is? Really? A casual fuck? A week-long booty call? A holiday fling?”
“Why do we have to define it?” He sounded strained.
“Because I want to know. I’m falling in love with you, Jasper. No. I’ve fallen. More like tumbled over the edge of a cliff. It cuts me inside, to not know how you feel or if you want me to wait for you while you go travelling.”
He froze. “No.”
“No to waiting?”
“No to everything. You’re not in love with me. You—”
I pushed myself to sit upright. “Oh no. You don’t get to tell me how I feel. You don’t love me—I get that—but I can still love you.” Like Steph loved Zack. I shoved the thought aside.
“I don’t want you to. I’m going to be away for a year. Maybe more.”
“Holly waits for Zack when he’s deployed. How is that different?”
“It just is.”
We stared at each other, and the truth slammed into me. “It’s not about me waiting for you, is it? You want the freedom to see other women.”
My words hung in the air.
Jasper looked away first. He rubbed a hand across his chin, his gaze fixed on the window. “What if I said yes?”
Logic told me I knew that. This whole thing had been commitment free.
Only, that didn’t work for me anymore. I was in love with him, and now I needed to protect what remained of my heart.