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“’Stop saying that.” Jasper sounded exhausted rather than angry.
“What? That I love you? I can’t take it back.”
“It doesn’t change anything between us.”
I studied him. His slumped posture and the way he rubbed at the back of his neck added up to one cranky, hurting guy. I hurt too, but mine was on the inside.
“Do you have their leashes?” I asked. The dogs still scared me, but I could manage them for a short distance.
Jasper dug into his pocket and pulled out a tangle of chain and leather. “I’ll clip them on. Here, Lily.” He snapped the first in place and then the second, before handing them to me. “Thank you, Caitlin. I appreciate it.”
“I’ve never done this before.”
“Hold tight. They have a tendency to pull.”
I took a step back, and then another, and the dogs moved with me. Jasper stayed where he was.
“Are you coming too?”
“In a bit.”
“What do I do with the dogs?”
“The side gate isn’t locked. Let them loose in there, and they’ll go to their kennels until I go back.”
Something wasn’t right. I didn’t want to leave him there. “It’s raining. Why stay out in it?”
“Why not?”
Holly asked me to check on him. Said he was in a filthy mood. That made him sound angry, but Jasper looked defeated rather than pissed. “Are you okay?” I asked.
“Jesus. You’re as bad as my sister. I’ve got cramp in my leg. I can’t walk on it at the moment.”
“Where’s your stick?”
“At home.”
“Should I bring it back with me?”
“I’ll be fine.”
It would take me no more than ten minutes to get to Jasper’s house and back. I nodded. “Okay. See you.”
I spun on my toe and set off, my hands tight around the leashes. Christ. They pulled like a pair of huskies with a sleigh, and I had to do a half-jog to keep up with them. I was concentrating so much that I forgot to be scared, and it was only when I flicked the side gate open and the dogs surged inside that I realized what I’d done.
My knees trembled with adrenaline, and I rapidly unclipped the leads and hung them on a hook by the kitchen door. I did it. I walked two giant dogs. Go me. I checked that they had water, then made sure the gate was secure behind me and set off to go back to Jasper.
Stubborn man. He might plan to walk back under his own steam, but I didn’t plan to let him.
He sat on the bench, head tipped back and eyes closed. I cleared my throat, to get his attention, and he jerked upright. “The dogs?”
“They’re fine. Are you?” He said nothing, and I advanced a step closer. “Walk back with me?”
“Sit here a minute first.” He scooted across the seat and patted the dry spot next to him.
“Okay.” I sat. “What’s up?”
“You wanted cards on the table? Here are mine. I hate being a gimp. Not being fit. I used to run freaking marathons, and now I can’t even walk my dogs on the beach. I hate asking for help. I have my pride, y’know.”
I nodded, uncertain what to say.
“And I’ve had this plan for so long—months—to get out of here and see the world. I leave in just over two weeks, and I should be excited.”
“But?”
He held out a hand to me, and after a moment’s hesitation, I took it and tangled our fingers together. “But every time I see you, I ask myself if I’m doing the right thing.” He squeezed my hand and lifted it to his mouth, before pressing a delicate kiss on the knuckles. “I don’t have anything to give to a relationship, but you make me want one anyway. I’m not planning on fucking around with other women, so you know.”
“Why did you say it, then?”
Jasper sighed. “I was trying to push you away. Again. But you keep coming back.”
“Not anymore. I’m moving back to Wellington tomorrow, and I’ve got plans for other premises, so I’ll be finishing in the gym in a few days.”
“You didn’t change your mind about El Roach, did you?”
I chuckled at the memory. “No. I’m taking on the Oriental Bay property, but sharing it with those two ladies we met. The ones who run a cheesecake business. It’s all sorted, apart from the paperwork.”
“Seriously? That’s amazing. Well done.” His voice was warm with pride in the near darkness. “They’ll miss you at the gym.”
“I may do special deliveries, but I haven’t decided yet.”
“I’ll miss you too.” His soft words made my heart lurch. “I keep wanting to ask if you’d like to come travelling with me, but I guess you can’t now.”
He made is sound so unimportant, but it had such huge implications. Tears pricked at my eyes. “No, I can’t. I couldn’t afford it—either the trip or taking the time off.”
“Yeah. I kinda thought that.” He played with my hand, stroking my fingers in an absent-minded way. “You can always move in with me for the next however many weeks it takes to get your new place set up.”
A tear trickled down my cheek. “If things were different, I’d say yes without hesitation.”
“But?”
“The reality is you leave in two weeks, and I need to put my life back together. Without you.”
“I guess.” He kissed my fingers again. “No sense in asking if you want to come back to my place tonight?”
The tears flowed freely now. Should I? No. My heart was cracked wide open. One more night with Jasper would break me completely.
“No.” I chewed on my lip. “This is it for us, Jasper. I don’t expect you to stay faithful to me while you’re overseas. You’re a free agent.”
“What if I don’t want to be? What if I asked you to wait for me?”
“I could do that, but I don’t want to tie you down. You want to see the world, and you need to do it unencumbered.” I swiped at my face. “Look me up when you come home.”
“Aww, shit. Don’t cry, Caitlin.”
I held onto my control by the thinnest of threads. “I’m going to walk back now. You coming?”