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When my phone rang with an unknown number in the morning, I assumed it would be a business call.
“Good morning,” I said in a cheery voice. “This is Caitlin.”
“Hey. It’s Jasper.”
I froze.
“I got your number from Holly.” He sounded wary.
I forced myself to breathe and tried to retain my bright attitude. “Hi. Yes. What can I do for you?” Shit. I was talking to him like a customer. I wanted to slap myself in the head.
“I want to talk to you. Can we meet?”
This was like a rerun of the call from Bruce. “I’m pretty busy,” I lied. “Not sure I’ll have time.”
“I’ll come into Wellington. You don’t need to drive up to Kapiti. Although you’re coming back for your kitchen stuff at some point, aren’t you?”
“I’m probably coming this weekend, to clear it out.”
“Okay. But how about meeting today? I can work around your schedule.” He hesitated. “It’s important, Caitlin.”
When he said my name like this, his voice husky with promise, I’d say yes to anything. “Okay. This afternoon? In the cafe opposite El Roach.”
“What time?”
“Two-ish?”
“I’ll be there. Thank you.”
*
What was I thinking? One look at him, and I’d be lost again. I spent the next hours flipping back and forth in my head, whether to go or not. To call off at the last minute. To wear something pretty. To tell him about Bruce wanting to get back with me.
It’s important, he said. So was my sanity.
I was ten minutes early, but Jasper was already here. He sat at a window table, flicking his gaze left and right at the people going past. It was unfair how gorgeous he looked, with probably little in the way of maintenance. I, meanwhile, had showered, blow-dried my hair, taken time with my makeup, and agonized over what to wear.
I paused on the street corner and tugged down my skirt. I liked this one, it was stretchy and flattering, but I still felt the compulsion to make sure it covered my knees. I took a step forward and knew the moment he saw me.
He smiled.
Like the sun peeking out from behind cloud, it warmed me inside. I picked up my pace and pushed open the door, to find Jasper standing to greet me.
“Caitlin.” He leaned forward and kissed me lightly on the cheek, and I did the same. His rough stubble was a delicious prickle against my skin that sent butterflies amok in my stomach. “Thank you for coming. I know you’re busy.” He pulled out a chair for me. “What would you like to drink?”
“A trim latte, please. In a takeout cup.” In case I needed to run away. I could plead work.
He walked slowly and unaided to the counter, to place the order. His stick leaned against the wall next to his chair. Would he take it with him when he went abroad, or would he manage without?
“So,” said Jasper as he reclaimed his seat, “how are you?”
Well, there was a loaded question. I haven’t slept since I saw you. I can’t stop thinking about you. I constantly tell myself I should have hung onto you until the last possible moment, before you went overseas.
“I’m fine,” I said.
His dark eyes filled with concern. “When Holly says she’s fine, she usually means the opposite.”
“Why did you want to see me, Jasper?”
If he was surprised at my sharp tone, he didn’t show it. He drummed on the table with his fingers, and then picked up a packet of sugar and played with it. He was nervous about something, but what?
“I miss you,” he said. “A lot. What we had was good, and I don’t want to lose it.”
My cheeks burned at the memory of how good it had been. Better than good.
“Actually, what we had was amazing.” His voice was rough. “And I’d be a fool if I didn’t try to make up with you. I am a fool.”
This was uncannily like the conversation with Bruce. “Make it up, how?”
The waitress chose that moment to deliver our drinks, and we thanked her.
Jasper waited until she left before speaking again. “I’m planning to cancel my trip.”
My mouth dropped open. “Why?”
“Because I don’t want to leave you.”
My heart, already vulnerable, dissolved into a puddle of mush, and my brain spun in circles. I had no words. I wanted to grab him and hold tight, and never let him go, but caution surfaced.
My hands were sneaky things—they’d drift across the table toward Jasper if I didn’t give them something to do, so I cupped them around the hot drink. “What about all the places you want to go?”
He shrugged.
“And the friends you planned to see? Will you be able to get a refund on your flights?”
“None of it matters. Not compared to what I’d be losing. You.”
I wanted to believe him. God. I’d longed for him to realize this, but the memory of how he behaved was too raw to step past so easily.
“You hurt me,” I said. “You’ve been an ass.”
“I know.” He twisted his mouth, shame clear on his face. “And I’m sorry. I don’t deserve you.”
“No. You don’t.” I paused and dragged my emotions under a semblance of control again. “What’s changed? And how can I be sure you won’t change your mind again?”
Jasper scrubbed his face, then met my gaze. I was sure the pain I saw in his eyes was a mirror of my own. “The trip,” he began. “I thought I wanted it. I thought I could walk away from you, but I can’t.”
A dozen questions bombarded my brain. “What will you do about work? You sold your share of the gym to Sam.”
“Sam said there would always be an opening for me to go back. We’ll work it out.”
Could it be this easy? I wanted to believe him. I’d dreamed of a future with Jasper, and now it hung before me, shimmering with possibility.
What was stopping me from saying yes? Two things. “I’m moving into the Oriental Bay kitchen next week, and I’m going to be working long hours, getting established there. I’ll be living in the city, while you live and work on the coast.”
“We can work that out.”
And now for the big one. “I don’t want you to cancel. I think you should still go.”
“What? Why?”
“Because you wanted to do this for so long. If you don’t go, you’ll always wonder what if. And one day, you may resent me, for not going when you had the chance.”
“I wouldn’t do that.”
“You might.” I paused while I got myself under control. Stupid, useless tears hovered, and my subconscious yelled at me. “I don’t want it to come between us.”
“So you don’t want to be with me? You want me to go away?”
I chewed on my lip and composed myself. “Yes.”
“Well. Fuck.” He sat back and stared at me, searching my face. “I don’t know what to say.”
I didn’t either. I should be kissing him and letting myself love him all over again, but I couldn’t. He needed to be sure what he wanted, and I deserved better.
“I have to go.” I shoved my chair back and stood on trembling knees. This was going to hurt more than leaving him last time. I had to do it quickly. A surgical incision. “Goodbye, Jasper.”
“Caitlin?” He scrambled to his feet, reaching out to me. “Don’t go. Please, don’t go.” He looked like a puppy that had been kicked, and I knew how that felt.
Tears trickled freely down my face. I turned around and walked away.
He shouted my name. The desperation in that single word nearly stopped me in my tracks, but I carried on. One foot in front of the other. My vision was so blurred, I couldn’t see properly, but I didn’t halt until I’d rounded the corner and was out of view.
Was I the bigger fool for leaving him?