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I walked up to the Botanical Gardens and found a wooden bench that looked down on the city. I sat there, in a patch of sunlight, and wiped my eyes. Jasper was down there somewhere, or more likely heading back to the coast. If I’d been eviscerated, it couldn’t have hurt more. Was I right to turn him away? I wanted to curl up in a ball and howl my pain.
Would this be the last time I saw him? Would the memory of the shock and dismay in his eyes haunt me? It’d be so easy to fix. I could call him, and say... What?
I’d done the right thing, but it made it no easier to swallow.
It was twilight when I walked into my apartment block and stepped into the lift. I was exhausted. I’d punished my body today by walking for miles, and my emotions had been through the wringer. I’d have a glass of wine, wallow in the bath, and then crawl into bed.
Or not.
Jasper sat on the floor, leaning against the wall, his long legs filling the corridor.
Hope surged inside. My stupid heart was clearly not on speaking terms with my common sense.
Jasper pushed to a standing position. “Give me five minutes. Please. And then, if you still say no, I’ll go. I promise.”
“Okay.” I’d regret this, but I unlocked the door. He didn’t move. I looked at him over my shoulder. “You coming in?”
Standing in my kitchen, my back to the sink, I gripped the edge of the counter with both hands. “Well?”
Jasper opened his mouth, but paused. Color flashed across his cheeks. “I planned out what to say. Had a little speech ready. But then I saw you, and it’s all gone.” He took a step closer, and then leaned his stick against the cupboards. “I’m sorry, Caitlin. There aren’t enough ways to apologize for hurting you. I could spend years doing that, and it still wouldn’t be enough. If you give me another chance, I swear things will be different.” He sucked in a ragged breath. “If you tell me to fuck off, it’s no more than I deserve.”
I couldn’t do that. I regretted leaving him.
My heart pounded so hard, I didn’t think I could breathe, let alone speak. I let go of the counter and took a step in the right direction. Into Jasper’s arms.
He clung to me so tight, I never wanted to move.
“I’m scared to ask,” he whispered. “Are you giving me another chance?”
I let out a happy sigh and nuzzled against his throat. “Yes.”
“Thank God. I’ll do everything in my power to make you happy. I won’t let you down again, Caitlin. You mean too much to me.”
I knew I had a crazy grin on my face, as I straightened up and looked into his eyes. This time they reflected my happiness.
“That’s better,” he said. “I love it when you smile at me.”
It wasn’t the same as saying he loved me, but it was close. If I could stop time and hold onto this moment, I would. However, I knew what I had to do, and part of me cringed at what I was going to say. “You still need to go on your trip, though.”
“Why?”
“For all the reasons I laid out earlier.”
“And what happens when I come home? You may have forgotten about me.”
“That’s not very likely.” Not when he haunted my dreams every night.
“Jeez, Caitlin. I thought I had it all worked out, but you’re kind of confusing me.”
“I’ll still be here when you get back. And if you feel the same, we’ll figure out how to make it work.”
“Will you email me?”
“Email. Skype. Facetime. Phone. Anything is possible.” I tried to smile, but it was wobbly at best.
“And until then? Will I see you?”
“Try keeping me away.”
*
The next ten days flew by. Jasper helped me set up in the new kitchen, and charmed my new business partners. We hung out with Holly and Zack, and Jasper encouraged me to exercise. He even developed a program for me at the gym, with Tane to coax me into taking part. We split our nights equally between my apartment and his house, and I dreaded the day he’d leave. He had become such an integral part of my life, and so quickly, that I’d flounder without him.
It was my choice to send him away, and I had to suck it up.
Saying goodbye at the airport was tough. Putting on a brave face took every ounce of my acting skills, and I clung to him until the absolute last minute. Holly was with me, and we waved him off together, then went back to her house and got hammered on Polish vodka.
After that, I threw myself into work, but always with the knowledge I’d catch up with Jasper at some point each day. He already cut his trip down to six months, from the year he initially planned, and I crossed off each day on a big calendar on my wall.
Six months. Twenty-six weeks. It was plenty of time to put my new long-term plans into motion.