Calm Your Nerves and Strengthen Your Voice
OVERCOMING SPEECH ANXIETY
Do you ever get nervous before a speech or presentation? Even if you’re not afraid of public speaking, I’m betting you still get butterflies in your stomach before you speak. Most people (myself included) get nervous before a speech, presentation, or important meeting. How nervous you get depends on a lot of factors, such as how often you speak in public, how well you know the subject, and how important the occasion.
In my travels, I encounter this fear again and again. I could be in the Middle East, Asia, Africa, Europe, or Latin America, and the questions will be the same: How do I calm my nerves?
Why do we have this widespread, universal fear of public speaking? Some theories say the reason is primal. Millions of years ago, banding together in communities protected us from predators and allowed us to thrive. Glenn Croston, author of The Real Story of Risk, says, “When faced with standing up in front of a group, we break into a sweat because we are afraid of rejection. And at a primal level, the fear is so great because we are not merely afraid of being embarrassed, or judged. We are afraid of being rejected from the social group, ostracized and left to defend ourselves all on our own. We fear ostracism still so much today it seems, fearing it more than death, because not so long ago getting kicked out of the group probably really was a death sentence.”1
Psychologist and speaker Guy Winch explains, “The same areas of the brain become activated when we experience rejection as when we experience physical pain,” and we remember social pain much more vividly than physical pain.2 That’s why, twenty years later, we still cringe when remembering that embarrassing thing we said or did in public.
Luckily, there is much you can do to calm your nerves. When I work with clients, I try to identify the exact cause of their anxiety to see if we can address it directly. I’ll use the words anxiety, nerves, and fear in this section, but if you suffer from severe anxiety or anxiety disorders, then it’s a good idea to consult a mental health professional.
We feel anxiety physically as well as emotionally. Our heart races, our hands shake, and some of us blush or develop nervous tells. In Chapter 8, I’ll share my pre-speech ritual to help you reduce those physical feelings of anxiety. Meditation and mindfulness provide incredibly powerful tools to center your mind, and deep breathing will do wonders to calm your nerves.
Here are some common causes of public speaking anxiety along with my solutions for how to handle them. Once you identify the source, you can look at specific, practical ways to calm your anxious feelings. Even after isolating all the below factors, you will still be nervous, and that’s normal. Fear and excitement both produce adrenaline, so reframing your nerves as excitement helps you use that same hormone in a productive way.
Lack of confidence. If you don’t believe you have anything of value to say, then you will probably avoid public speaking. Why would anyone listen to me? Go back to the Three Questions in Chapter 2 and remind yourself of your Why you? Find an authentic passion or interest related to the subject, and let that boost your confidence. Later in this chapter, do the Core Value Statement and read that statement out loud before every speech.
Not enough time to prepare. This is one of the most common reasons people are uncomfortable speaking in public: they didn’t have enough time to prepare, or they didn’t prepare the right way. Look at Chapter 3 about preparing a speech and, specifically, how to prepare a speech in thirty minutes. It’s not about spending endless time preparing; it’s about having a tried-and-true process for using the time you have effectively.
Not enough knowledge of the subject. This is a big factor when speaking to people who know more than you. You worry that your audience will pick apart your argument or think you don’t know what you’re talking about. You could do research and shore up your knowledge, you could limit the scope of your speech, or you could plan ways to bring your expert audience into the speech. For instance, you can ask the audience: “Since we have so many experts in the room, what have you found to be successful?”
Negative experiences or feedback. Maybe you had a traumatic speaking experience in middle school, or perhaps a teacher or parent discouraged you early on. Those early (or even recent) negative experiences can stay with us and color the way we look at the world. Talk through those experiences with a coach, friend, or therapist. By speaking about them out loud, you start to recognize that they describe a past experience, but they don’t define who you are. Ask yourself Why you? and look ahead at the Core Value Statement to find your confidence.
Negative work environment. If you work in a toxic environment where speaking up means being criticized by your boss or peers, you might fear public speaking. It will feel risky to speak up because it is risky. Determine who your allies are within your organization or your community. Who will stand up for your work? Practice your speech with that person and get their feedback on how to phrase your language in a way your colleagues will relate to. That person can then publicly praise your speech or presentation as a way to demonstrate public support for your position.
Don’t like being the center of attention. Introverts will tell me they are not afraid of speaking, but they don’t like to be the center of attention. In that case, reframe the purpose of the speech. Rather than thinking of the speech as being about you, think of the speech as an opportunity to highlight an important issue. You are no longer the center of attention, your idea is the center of attention. When he spoke at the Sixth & I Historic Synagogue in Washington, DC, Rabbi Scott Perlo said it beautifully: “If you carry a message of hope and healing, your greatest responsibility is to get out of the way and let the message work its way through you.”
Lack of control. When you give a speech or presentation, there are things you can’t control: the room’s audiovisual, the audience’s reaction, and (sometimes) your own imagination. There are two solutions that you can implement simultaneously. First, control all the variables that you can. What if the AV doesn’t work? Get there early and make sure you have a technician present. What if there’s traffic? Plan that into your schedule. For each “What if?” worry, find a solution. Concurrently, recognize that you can’t control everything. Even if you test the AV beforehand, it could still stop working. Things will still go wrong, so identify ways to calmly deal with them. If the audience sees you as cool and collected even when there’s a problem, you retain your credibility as a speaker.
Fear of your mind going blank. I often hear people say they are afraid they’ll forget the words, or that their mind will go blank in front of the audience. It’s happened to me as well. Before you go onstage, ask yourself Why you? to refocus your attention on your sense of purpose instead of on your nerves. Bring notes or an outline; I use that for every single speech or presentation. I might not look at the notes, but the fact I have them calms my fear. If you need to, write out the first and last sentences. Print your notes in a large font with plenty of white space and make the paper single-sided so you can easily move from one page to the next. There’s also fascinating research showing that chewing gum before a speech or test improves immediate word recall. Just remember to spit out the gum before you go onstage!3
Don’t do it often enough. It’s understandable that if you don’t speak in public often, you won’t feel comfortable doing it. The solution is to speak up more! There are so many opportunities for you to speak. I have found Toastmasters clubs to be the best value for practicing your public speaking in a safe, nurturing environment. Refer back to Chapter 1 to find more places to speak.
Don’t know how to do it. Many people fear public speaking because they simply don’t know how to do it. It’s as if you had to play a new musical instrument in front of a group of peers for the first time. Of course you’d be nervous! The solution is: learn. Read this book. Take a course. Work with a coach. Public speaking is a skill, and the more you build this skill, the more you build your confidence and overcome your fear.
Talk. Talk through your public speaking fears with a friend or colleague. Talk about ways to overcome them and recognize there’s a lot you can do. Read the list above to identify your concerns, and try out a few of the tips.
Pause and breathe. It’s amazing what a time-out can do. Whether it’s right before a speech or in the middle when things aren’t going so well, take five seconds to pause and breathe. If you are able, physically close your mouth—so a filler doesn’t escape in the interim—and breathe in and out through your nose. You center yourself and also give your audience time to catch up to you.
LEARNING HOW TO BREATHE
When people ask me about the most important thing to learn in public speaking, I answer in one word: breathing. Yes, I know breathing sounds obvious. But breathing is an incredibly powerful tool that you never learn unless you’re a performer, actor, speaker, or yoga practitioner. As a singer, breathing can make or break your career.
I’m not talking about the subconscious breathing we do instinctively; I’m talking about breathing with a specific purpose in mind. The common term you hear is diaphragmatic breathing.
This kind of purposeful breathing has two invaluable benefits in public speaking. First, it calms you down. Below, I’ll show you how breathing reduces your anxiety and centers you before and during your speech. Second, it gives your voice richness and fullness, letting you command a room. Two pretty important benefits, right? Let’s learn how to do it.
There are hundreds of breathing techniques; here are the ones that work for me and my clients. You’ll want to stand up for this exercise. If you are unable to stand for any reason, feel free to do this while sitting tall. If you feel dizzy or light-headed during this exercise, relax and breathe normally.4
Get Rid of Nervous Energy
Before we focus on breathing, let’s get rid of nervous energy. You can train for speaking like you train for a sport. Stand up and slowly roll your shoulders back. Shake out your hands and feet, one at a time. Slowly stretch your face wide, then scrunch it up: feel like you’re chewing on air to warm up your cheeks. Exhale loudly through your mouth like you were a horse, trilling your lips. Do this unvocalized, and then with a light vocalization. You’ll see an example of these exercises at www.speakwithimpactbook.com. 
Breathing Part 1: Find the Right Posture
Stand tall with your feet firmly planted, shoulder-width apart. Gently breathe in through your nose while raising your arms up over your head. Then exhale through your nose while you slowly lower your arms and keep your rib cage where it is. Continue breathing through your nose. You’re standing tall on both feet, and your shoulders are relaxed and back, not up by your ears. This is the right posture for speaking with confidence.
Breathing Part 2: Breathe In
Place one hand over your chest and one over your belly button. Gently take a breath in and then exhale. Which hand moves when you breathe in? It might be the hand on your chest, it might be the hand on your belly, or it might be both. I’d like you to focus on your belly when you take in a breath. Relax your chest so it doesn’t heave up and down.
Put both hands over your belly button. Imagine there is a balloon inside your stomach, and as you breathe in, the balloon expands, filling with air. Your stomach gets bigger as you breathe in; then as you exhale, your stomach comes back in. This might feel like the exact opposite of what you normally do, but try it a few times until it feels natural; then take a break and breathe normally. Remember to keep your upper body relaxed; you shouldn’t feel any discomfort using this technique.
Breathing Part 3: Speak “on the Breath”
Now that you’ve learned how to breathe in, let’s learn how to speak while breathing out. Breathe in silently on a count of three (don’t forget to use the above method), then exhale and count to four out loud, letting your breath support the words like a cushion of air. You can hear me demonstrate what this sounds like at www.speakwithimpactbook.com. Imagine you are placing the sound in the front of your face, as if you have speakers on your cheekbones, instead of feeling the words catch in your throat.
Now relax and breathe normally. It’s important to give yourself frequent breaks during these exercises. When you’re ready, breathe in and exhale while saying, “Good morning!” Another breath in. As you exhale, say, “My name is [your name].” This lets you practice breathing in between sentences.
I once had nodules on my vocal cords, a terrifying experience that left me unable to sing. I visited an otolaryngologist (ear, nose, and throat doctor) at the Boston Medical Center and, on his recommendation, a speech pathologist specializing in care of the professional voice, named Hadas Golan. She emphasized the importance of breathing in and out through my nose, which acts as a filter and humidifies the air going into my throat and lungs. She also helped me become more intentional about breathing. It wasn’t about taking bigger breaths; it was about pacing myself and breathing more gently. She also worked with me on articulating and placing my words more forward in my face, as I’ve described above. Through several months of breathing and speaking techniques with Hadas, the nodes disappeared and I didn’t require surgery. To this day, I use her exercises before I speak or sing.
Frequently Asked Questions About Breathing
How can I practice this? Spend a few minutes in the morning practicing these breathing techniques. At night, practice before you go to bed. Inhaling on a count of four and exhaling (silently) on a count of five is a great way to relax and fall asleep. Other places to practice discreetly include: on airplanes, during your commute (as long as you’re not driving), or during meetings or conference calls.
How long does it take before I can do this comfortably? It depends. If you’ve studied breathing techniques in the past, you’ll be able to pick this up quickly. If you’ve never focused on breathing before, it may take you a little longer. Be patient with yourself and practice for a few minutes each day.
How often should I breathe like this? You don’t have to use these techniques during every minute of every day. You can use them right before a speech, to calm your nerves and center yourself, and right before you introduce yourself in public. Once you’re comfortable using these techniques, use them at each punctuation mark in the speech. Don’t use them in front of an audience until you can do it effortlessly (and without physically touching your belly).
What if I can’t hear the difference? Sometimes it takes people a little longer to pick up these techniques. Sometimes people have vocal conditions that make it difficult to hear the difference. If you have nodules on your vocal cords, or if you are a smoker, or if you have a cold, these factors prevent your voice from resonating at its fullest. If you have any questions or concerns about your voice, consider visiting an otolaryngologist and/or a speech therapist.
Practice these techniques a few times, then relax and breathe normally:
Step 1: Find the right posture (stand tall).
Step 2: Breathe in (using your belly).
Step 3: Exhale and say, “Good morning” (on the breath).
Enlist a practice partner and try a “before/after” exercise. Breathe normally and introduce yourself. Then breathe using these techniques and introduce yourself while speaking “on the breath.” Your partner will probably hear the difference, but you might not. Try doing the same thing with a memo recorder so you can hear the difference. Practice a few minutes at a time each day.
BUILDING YOUR CONFIDENCE
In my experience, confidence is one of the most important components of public speaking. If you are confident, the audience will forgive a few filler words or mistakes. If you are confident in your subject and in yourself, your audience is more likely to have confidence in you. This is not the same as arrogance or bluster. It’s not about showing the audience that you are better than they are; it’s about a deep conviction in your own value and your ability to deliver.
How do you find and build confidence? In The Confidence Code, Katty Kay and Claire Shipman interview experts who say that genes account for anywhere from 25 to 50 percent of our confidence.5 Still, there is so much we can do to build it. When my team and I discuss this subject during workshops, we divide it into two areas: what builds confidence, and what demonstrates confidence.
What builds confidence? Take a minute and think about that question.
You feel more confident when:
• Someone validates your work. That’s why, in our workshops, we always emphasize what people do well before we talk about what to improve. It’s also important to realize that people in the audience want you to do well.
• You’ve experienced success in the past. That’s why the more successful speeches you give, the better you feel.
• You know your subject and have the right skills. That’s why public speaking training is so important.
• You have practiced and prepared. That’s why speaking off the cuff is so nerve-racking.
• You feel a sense of purpose around why you do what you do. This is the answer to Why you?
• You value yourself and what you bring to the speech.
Conduct a self-assessment. Which of the above areas do you need to focus on to build your confidence? Notice that some of these areas depend on other people, not on you. How can you play a confidence-building role for others in your life?
Now let’s look at what demonstrates confidence. Picture a truly confident speaker in your organization or in your community. Maybe it’s a CEO or a political leader. What makes him or her appear confident?
• When meeting someone, it’s their firm handshake and direct eye contact. If they’re speaking in public, it’s the meaningful hand gestures they use, a tall but relaxed posture, and eye contact with the audience.
• You can hear confidence in someone’s voice. Instead of shaking and inaudible, a confident voice is clear and calm. It doesn’t have to be loud, but it’s strong and well supported.
• You feel it in someone’s presence. It resonates around them like an energy and touches the audience.
• People who are confident speak at a fluid pace instead of rushing too fast or pausing too often.
What do you notice in this list? Confidence comes across more in nonverbal communication than in the words themselves. It’s an energy that affects the words. But the right words (authentic language) will affect that energy.
Focus first on what builds confidence, then focus on what demonstrates confidence. Essentially, you have to build your confidence in order to show it.
The Core Value Statement. One of the most powerful confidence-building tools we use is the Core Value Statement. I developed this tool after reading a research report from the University of California showing that individuals who affirmed their personal values before a speech experienced less stress when giving that speech.6 Here’s how it goes:
1. Make a list of your core values.
2. Circle one that resonates the most.
3. Write a paragraph about how you live that value every day.
Here’s an example that came from Global Public Speaking’s business manager, Meghan Gonzalez.
Integrity is a core value of my work and is the basis for all of my professional and personal interactions. I live this value every day by being honest with my friends, family, and coworkers, and holding myself accountable for all that I do. Integrity always takes precedence over easy choices. I strive to be a role model for my team and my family, while exhibiting the strong moral characteristics that I look for in others.
Give it a try. How do you live your values every day? The end result is your Core Value Statement. Visit www.speakwithimpactbook.com for a handout that guides you through this exercise. Keep it nearby and read it out loud before every speech, presentation, or difficult conversation. It grounds you in who you are and what’s important to you, which is an incredible confidence-builder.
Breathe in and out. Find a quiet place and sit tall in a comfortable chair. Close your eyes and focus solely on your breathing. Feel your stomach gently expand as you breathe in and relax as you breathe out. Breathe in slowly and silently on a count of 3 and exhale slowly on a count of 4. If you’re pressed for time, even one minute of this breathing will help you calm down.
Mental Rehearsal. Go back to the mental rehearsal exercise we discussed in Chapter 5 and use it to calm yourself, center yourself, and build confidence that you will do an outstanding job. Imagine yourself giving a powerful speech that has a meaningful impact on your audience, and you’ll feel like you are already a successful speaker.