Chapter Seventeen

Our room in Forster is significantly nicer than the one in Byron Bay. For one, it has an actual bed. On the downside, it smells vaguely of grandparents and op-shops. Again, we decide not to bother unpacking for a one-night stay, so we dump our bags on the floor.

With a book in my hand, we head down to the beach. It’s nearly forty degrees and it takes almost five minutes to find a spot on the sand to fit two towels side by side. We put on our sunscreen and I begin to read.

After a while, Elliot grabs my hand and leads me into the water. I don’t particularly want to swim but I let him guide me in anyway.

The water gets deep surprisingly quickly and, given my short stature, I struggle to keep my chin above the water when it only reaches Elliot’s nipples.

‘Piggyback?’ he suggests.

So I jump on and let him pull me around.

It dawns on me that although I didn’t want to swim, I’m doing it anyway.

‘Is this the kind of thing you were talking about?’ I ask.

‘Huh? Wait, hang on.’ A wave comes crashing towards us. Elliot jumps with the water’s movement to keep our heads above the surface.

‘In the car, before … This is the kind of thing you mean, isn’t it?’ I tell him about how I hadn’t really wanted to go for a swim.

‘Jen, don’t overthink it. I didn’t mean anything by it. There’s nothing wrong with who you are. I just thought that maybe you could try being honest with people about what you want. Put yourself first for a change.’

But I have tried to put myself first – I changed my uni preferences. True, I’m far too scared to tell Mum, and I’m not entirely sure I’ll have the guts to accept an offer if I get one because that would mean definitely telling Mum … But at least I did it, right?

My mouth opens to tell Elliot this but I cop a mouthful of water instead. Elliot crumples beneath me and I fall off his back.

‘Ah, crap,’ he says. His face is curled into a wince.

‘Are you okay?’ I say, immediately concerned.

‘I rolled my frickin ankle.’

Despite his objections, I make him accompany me back to our towels where I look at his ankle.

‘Jen, seriously, it’s fine. We were in deep water, so it didn’t take any weight. I’m not even limping. It just hurt when it happened, that’s all.’

‘Swear you’re okay?’

‘On my life. But I can’t be bothered moving anymore.’

So we lie in the sun to dry ourselves off. I manage to squeeze in two more chapters of my book. But I’ll have to re-read those chapters because my mind is too preoccupied. I didn’t mean anything by it. Should I be offended that Elliot thinks I’m not honest? Does he really feel like he doesn’t know me?

It has too strong a resonance for it to have meant nothing.

‘I’m going to head out for a bit. I need some fresh air,’ says Elliot. We’ve just finished dinner and I’m half-thinking about putting a movie on.

‘I’ll come with you,’ I say, standing up from the couch.

‘Actually,’ he says, shuffling his feet, ‘I’d rather go alone.’

‘Oh.’

‘No, no, no,’ he says quickly, after he sees my face. ‘Please don’t be offended. It’s not that I don’t want to be around you. It’s nothing you’ve done, I just need to be with me for a while. Okay?’

‘Okay.’

‘Okay. Come here, give me a hug,’ he says, holding open his arms. He holds me for a little longer than is necessary. ‘I’ll be back in an hour.’

The door clicks as he closes it behind him.

Of course, I can relate to needing alone time. Everyone needs alone time. There’s no logical reason for me to think he has any other motives for leaving me but, after our talk this morning, I wonder if Elliot really does see me as his best friend. Tears well in my eyes. I know, I know, he said he isn’t avoiding me. He said it isn’t because of me. But it still feels like it is.

My emotions lead me to my phone. I plug it into Elliot’s charger and dial my dad’s number. He answers on the third ring.

‘Hey Princess, how’s the holiday?’

‘Hi Dad.’ I pause for a moment. My first instinct is to talk to him when I’m upset but now that I’ve called him I don’t really want to. It’ll only make him worry. Or maybe he’ll make me come home … So I pretend nothing happened. ‘It’s pretty good.’ I give him a brief rundown of where we’ve been, the Nessie situation and how Teddy and Sophie got home – though I let him believe they paid for it themselves. I tell him about Marjolijn, too – but I omit the part where my temper got the best of me.

‘Sounds like you’re having an eventful time. Your mother and I miss you a lot, Princess. Aaron does too, though he certainly won’t admit it.’

‘I miss you too, Dad. Has anything interesting happened at home?’

‘Nothing spectacular. Your mother’s at work and Aaron’s playing video games.’

There’s a brief pause. ‘Dad … I just wanted to say thank you.’

‘You’re most welcome,’ he says, ‘but why are you thanking me?’

‘Just … For everything. For being so understanding, for letting me be crazy, for talking Mum into letting me go on this trip …’

‘That’s called being a father, sweetie. You don’t need to thank me. I’ll always be around for that. I’ll always be around to embarrass you, too, so don’t worry about that, either. God, I can’t wait for your twenty-first … I’m super-proud of you, Princess.’

The tears begin to well again. ‘I love you, Dad.’

‘I love you too. See you when you get home.’

I hang up the phone and listen to the silence in the room. Usually I find silence soothing but right now I can’t stand being alone with my thoughts any longer, so I decide to distract myself with some fictional problems. The hotel gave us a hard drive with a bunch of movies loaded onto it, so I plug it into the TV, collapse onto the couch and click on a romantic comedy. I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I know is darkness. The sheets from the bed have been draped over me and Elliot sleeps on the bed, with no covers.

I put the sheets back on the bed, hoping not to wake Elliot. The clock reads two thirty-four. I was asleep for hours.

I still feel down and not even remotely tired, so I go outside for some air.

The door closes a lot more loudly than I intend. I freeze, hoping I haven’t woken Elliot, but when I hear no signs of movement I head to the side of the road and sit in the gutter.

It’s much cooler than it was during the day but it’s still not cold. I pick up a stick and snap it in half.

Just as I’m starting to feel a bit chilly, I hear Elliot call out.

‘Jen? What are you doing?’ He doesn’t seem mad or anything but I don’t answer him. He sits on the curb next to me. ‘Why are you sitting out here?’

‘I don’t know,’ I answer truthfully. ‘It just seemed right.’

‘I almost had a heart attack when I woke and saw you weren’t in the room.’

‘Sorry.’

‘Are you okay?’

‘Yeah.’ I begin to tremble, fighting off those stupid tears. ‘No.’ I give in and let the tears fall. I feel his arm around me.

‘What’s the matter?’

‘I’m just being stupid.’

‘Please talk to me. I want to help. Did I do something to upset you?’

‘No, it’s just … You said this morning you don’t feel like you know me.’

‘I didn’t mean it like that.’

‘But it’s true. Everything I do is what other people want. I do it so often I don’t even feel like I have a personality anymore. I think I know you really well. I’ve never doubted that you’re my best friend and I thought we were really close.’

‘We are close.’

‘You let me in to your life but I don’t do the same for you. I hide behind what everybody else wants. You can’t know me because I don’t even know me.’

‘Can I tell you something?’

I nod. I’m crying too hard to speak.

‘I told you I only get staccato bursts. I never said that I don’t know you. I know you’re the sweetest girl I’ve ever met. I know you empathise with everybody. I know you’re selfless. And I know you’re the greatest friend I’ve ever had. When I walk into a room and see that you’re there, it brightens my whole day. I can’t help but smile around you. The bursts of Pure Jen I do get are amazing. My point was that you should do things that make you happy because you deserve happiness. I think there’s too much of a difference between what you want and what you do. You’re going to end up collapsing from trying to juggle two identities. You’re my best friend and I just want you to be happy.’

I’m sobbing into his shoulder.

‘Can you wait here for two seconds? I’ll be back straightaway.’

I try to stop crying while he’s gone but it doesn’t work. He returns with a plastic bag almost immediately, though he doesn’t sit down.

‘I got the feeling you were a little mad at me for leaving this afternoon,’ he says.

‘I wasn’t mad,’ I say without looking up. ‘Maybe a little hurt.’

‘I’m really sorry. But while I was out I saw these.’ He hands me a small box and a plush white kitten with huge blue eyes. I sit the kitten on the curb next to me and take the box. I pull the ribbon to undo the knot and lift the lid off. Inside is a necklace. The pendant is an adorable cartoon cat holding a treble clef.

‘Marjolijn’s song,’ I say quietly.

‘Her song reminded me of you,’ he says, ‘and not just because you were next to me when I heard it. The girl she sang about had a stuffed cat she turned to for comfort. I wanted to give you something to remind you that things will always be okay.’

I take off my crucifix, slip it into my pocket and replace it with the cat necklace. With the soft kitten in my hand, I stand and hug Elliot as tightly as I can.

‘You’re the best friend anyone could ask for,’ I whisper, tears making yet another appearance. ‘I love you so much.’

‘I love you too,’ he says, and I feel his smile. I hope he can feel mine.