Godiva gave him a sly smile. “Oh, Dexter, I’m so glad you recognize my true talents. After all, well-tuned manipulation is an art.”
“You are so right. You two may look alike, but it seems your sister Goldie doesn’t share your devious nature. You had to coach her, but you did get what you wanted, so maybe there’s hope for her yet. Even though we’ve only been together a short time, I’m already beginning to wonder if some of my ideas are really the notions you’ve cleverly planted in my head. You are a master, you know.”
Godiva stuck her tongue out at him, stood up, and tugged at his hand to pull him up from the sofa. “It takes one to know one, Dexter dear, so I’ll take that as a compliment. Come on, let’s see what’s happening in advice column central.”
She dragged him along the hall to the busy office that used to be a formal library. Her assistant, Angel Batista was practically hidden behind a pile of mail. As the popularity of Godiva’s Ask G.O.D. advice column grew, so did the bags of letters from people seeking her words of wisdom.
“Hey, Boss.” Angel waved a letter in the air without giving Dexter more than a casual look. “You’re just in time for a doozy.” She motioned for them to sit in the wingback library chairs. “Good to see you again, Mr. Diamond, welcome to the eye of the tornado. Listen to this, some people are so clueless!”
Angel pushed up her glasses and held the letter at arm’s length. After making a show of clearing her throat, she read,
Dear G.O.D.,
A few weeks ago I got sick and my husband said he would take care of the house. In a couple of days, when I felt better, I walked around and everything looked fine until I opened the dishwasher. I don’t know what he was thinking, but there in the top basket along with the glasses and cups were two toilet bowl brushes, a pair of old sneakers and the mud flaps from his pickup truck. Now I can’t bear to eat off my dishes. I’m using paper cups and plastic spoons. He says the hot water sanitizes everything and I’m just acting crazy, but I’m ready to throw the bum out with the dishwater. What should I do?
~Crazed in Cucamonga
Angel finished with a triumphant smile while Dexter laughed out loud. He sputtered, “Wait a minute. That’s a real letter? I thought maybe you ladies made up all the goofy stuff in Godiva’s column.”
With a shake of her silver locks, Godiva said, “Yes, Darlin’. Every single one of them is real. You would be amazed at the wacky letters some people write to G.O.D.”
Waldo pranced into the room closely followed by the oldsters. The dog uttered a low growl, Rrreeeaaalll, and made a wide arc around Dexter. He laid his big furry head in Godiva’s lap.
“What in tarnation is real?” Sterling pointed to the paper in Angel’s hand. “If you’re talking about those idiotic letters, the only thing real about them in my book is the real low IQ of the people who write them.” He leaned against Angel’s desk and gave her cheek a tweak. “How’s the love of my life today?”
She grinned back. “Now, now, Sterling. You don’t want to make your gentleman friend, Leonardo, jealous, do you? But, since you asked, I’m just fine.”
“So, Dexter, old man, my niece is letting you into her inner sanctum. That means you’re making points with her. Can we trust you two while Flossie and me are out to sea?”
Dexter winked and flashed a grin. “About as far as you can throw us, Old Man.”
“Oy vey. Two grown men acting like kids.” Flossie folded her arms across her bright floral blouse. “Look, I’ve got serious business. I came to warn you to be careful while we’re gone. I was dealing the tarot cards and the angel and his trumpet came up. You know that’s the Judgment card. I think it was a warning to watch out.”
“Oh, Mom, you’re so dramatic. Maybe the Judgment card was for you, not me. After all, you have made mistakes before with your cards.”
Flossie faced off with her daughter who had no use at all for the tarot cards her mother lived by. Deep in thought, the old woman ran her bony fingers through her tight blue-tinged curls. Finally she said, “Maybe you’ve got something there. It can be good or bad, but either way it usually means change—like leaving something old behind and stepping into something completely new. You know, I’ve never been on a long cruise before, and neither has Waldo.” She leaned over and scratched the dog’s ear. “Maybe it was for Waldo.”
With one of his signature harrumphs, Sterling added, “And I’ve never had to pretend I needed a pooch to tell me when to take pills so I won’t have some kind of a fit. It’s all hogwash, Flossie.”
“Oh, suck it up you big baby. It’s the only way Red could let us take Waldo along. If your brother Harry were here—he should rest in peace—he would turn it into a game. An act. I suggest you do the same. Have some fun with it.”
Godiva whispered in her boyfriend’s ear. “Don’t you just love listening to crotchety old folks, Dex?”
The good-natured bickering went on a while longer until, as usual, Godiva broke in.
“See here, you two. Red will be in port in just five days, so you better get everything ready. You’ll need a good supply of food for Waldo and enough of your medications to last a month. Layers of warm clothes and plenty of underwear...”
“It’s the warning in the cards. You’re afraid I’ll have an accident, aren’t you?”
“Don’t be silly. Still, you never know what will happen, Mom. It’s always a good idea to have extra underpants.”
Dexter and Angel looked at each other and both seemed to be trying to stifle a laugh.
Godiva continued, “I’ve asked Guadalupe to help you pack early, so you’ll know if you need to shop for anything.”
Flossie winked at Sterling. “I think I’ll need to get a new bikini for around the pool.”
“If you think you can find one to fit your saggy old butt, go right ahead. You’ll chase everyone away so I can have the pool all to myself.”
She gave her brother-in-law a playful slap and he shot Dexter a helpless look. “See how they treat me? Anyway, I trust you’ll keep our Madame Pompadour busy while we’re gone.”
“You can take that to the bank.”
Angel jumped up and rushed around in a flurry. “Oh, good thing you said that. I almost forgot to go to the bank and they’ll be closing soon.” She gathered up papers, stuffed them into her briefcase, and with a little salute was out the door.