Chapter 12

Next day, the following story appeared in the Pest under P.C. Cromwell’s byline:

SEX AND KABBALAH AND ROCK ’N’ ROLL

Cutting-edge technique casts doubt on police theory, psychic says

TABERNACLE, NJ—Somewhere in this warren of back roads, blueberry bogs, and scrub pine, a mobile home sits in a clearing. It is a nondescript place; a run-down doublewide with a woodstove and a satellite dish. You’d expect to find a local Piney or, for those given to flights of the imagination, some incipient sociopath or fugitive from justice—as opposed to a jet-setting law enforcement specialist who is connected to rock superstar and sex symbol Magdalena.

Yet that is what this reporter discovered after braving slippery roads, freezing temperatures, and an arduous all-night stakeout. Thanks to our careful investigative work, the South Jersey Post has discovered the base of operations for Bruno X, the psychic detective recently hired by the Gardenfield Police Department to assist in the investigation of the recent Quaker killing.

In an exclusive interview, this Bruno X—he uses this nom de guerre to protect himself from perpetrators who may attempt to disrupt his investigations through physical intimidation—revealed that he believes that the body found in the Friends Meeting House in Gardenfield last month may not have been the victim of a fellow Quaker. Quakers are known for deploring violence of any kind. Therefore it was paradoxical to find a murder victim in a Quaker meeting house.

Bruno X points out, “In the Middle Ages, goyim” (a colorful Yiddish word employed by the speaker to identify the dominant Christian populations in Eastern Europe) would dump murdered bodies in the synagogue in order to provoke outrage against Jews. It was part of something called the ‘blood libel.’” The so-called “blood libel” refers to the mytho-historical, quasi-legendary practice where Christians accuse Jews of killing Christian children so they would have blood to make Passover matzoh. Bruno X believes it is possible someone may have moved the body to the meeting house to discredit the Quakers.

Who might have such a sinister objective? Mr. X declined to speculate.

When asked to explain the basis for this deduction, Bruno X revealed that he uses the Kabbalah to process the evidence he receives from psychic sources. Readers will recognize the Kabbalah as the mystical form of Judaism that has become high-profile since it was adopted by sex symbol Magdalena. Magdalena performed most recently in London on behalf of the starving millions in Africa. She also has authored a children’s book that reflects her experience of the Kabbalah

The next 10 inches of the article were about Magdalena, female sexuality, and children’s literature, except for the concluding paragraph, which stated:

Bruno X claims that in addition to physical clues, a crime scene contains psychic clues as well. Strong emotions leave a residue that can be detected by those who know what to look for. Psychic evidence needs to be evaluated scientifically just like other forensic evidence and the Kabbalah is the “technology” that he uses.

Bruno X adds that he did not study at the Kabbalah Co-op in L.A. and he does not know Magdalena personally. Or Tiffany Pupik. We commend Chief Black for his prompt action in bringing in such well-qualified outside resources. The investigation is already moving again and we look forward to a speedy resolution.

The reaction to Peaches’ article in the Pest was swift and fateful.

Fully 66.6% of the families enrolled in Gardenfield Friends called Master Quentin’s office to ask him what he was planning to do about security.

Against his better judgment, Master Quentin called Chief Black and asked him what security resources might be available from the town, as he still preferred not to entertain the offer from NewGarden Biosciences.

Chief Black hadn’t read the story when Master Quentin called. As soon he got off the phone, he read the article and then angrily called Bruno to demand a meeting.

While Chief Black was on the phone, he missed receiving an angry phone call from Rabbi Nachman, of Philadelphia’s oldest Orthodox congregation, Temple Emmanuel. The Rabbi was upset about the mischaracterization of the Kabbalah and was frustrated because he couldn’t get anyone to take his call at the Pest.

Finally, Icky called Alison. He thought she’d be amused by all the Magdalena references. Instead, Alison became even more worked up than she’d been the day before regarding her term paper. She slammed down the phone and called her professor, Nathaniel Littlejohn, to make an appointment later in the week.