Chapter 7

Jacob sat in his favorite pub in the village having a beer. A slow day at the bookstore made it even harder to concentrate on work and keep his mind off Cassie. The thing at the retreat center was something he found hard to accept. How could it be? Did he really see something in the garden? He couldn’t let himself think it could be real. If he allowed himself to believe, what would it mean? Lydia had talked about some ghost child for weeks until the doctor drugged her so much she didn’t know who she was. He put a stop to the over medication but nothing seemed to help. Lydia talked to herself all the time, and often in Gaelic. To his knowledge she didn’t know how to speak Gaelic before she got to the monastery. This fact had confused him even more.

To believe in this ghost would alter how he saw the world and he wasn’t ready for such as that. Might his wife still be alive if he had believed her instead of having her committed? God, thinking it was unbearable. And now there was Cassie, and his feelings for her. How did he get himself into this situation just when he was finally feeling normal again? His Aunt Bernadette dropped a few hints through the years about odd things that happened in the monastery. She hinted at some questionable things one old priest or his assistant did years ago, but Jacob did not pay her much attention. Bernadette’s behavior was a bit odd as far back as he could recall. She was known for her vivid imagination. One could read her poetry and see she thought in another realm sometimes. He convinced himself Lydia needed time out of the hospital and some rest in the monastery. He told himself it was the right thing to set Lydia back on the path to normal. It all went so wrong. Before he could understand what was happening, she went from scattered and depressed to downright psychotic at the monastery. Ghosts, bad spirits, murdered children were the constant topics of conversation. Lydia became obsessed with this ghost-child story, and when Cassie said those same words he felt his world tilt. All the confusion, guilt, and helplessness came back with a vengeance as he sat nursing the beer. Sick of thinking about it he went home with the hope of getting some sleep.

Jacob spent a fitful night tossing and turning. When he saw the dawn break, he dressed, went to work, drank too much coffee, and tried to put it all behind him for a while. But he knew he couldn’t do it for long. He must face it, his part in what happened to Lydia, and he must face Cassie tonight. What was there to say to her? What if she started up with the ghost-child thing again? He’d break things off with her. She was going back to America so there was no future for them. Why put himself through all this pain for nothing? He could go back to the way things were before he met her. His life was good enough then, wasn’t it? His thoughts went around and around like a stereo needle stuck on an old record track.

Jacob kept going back to that thought—was his life good enough? Was his life really good enough? He left the bookstore and went home to shower and change. He paced around the house unable to focus on anything for long. Tired of thinking about it, he picked up his car keys and headed for the door. He could put it off no longer. As he drove out to the retreat center he was haunted by two faces, Lydia’s and Cassie’s. Somehow, he ended up disappointing them both. The closer he got to the Center, the more his resolve to end things with Cassie weakened. He told himself there was no other logical choice. His body and mind seemed in conflict about this decision. He was sweating, and his hands were in a death grip on the steering wheel as he drove.

Jacob wondered if Cassie was as anxious about this evening as he, and with doubts of her own about him and their relationship. What did she think about his abrupt departure? He tried hard to keep his mind from straying to their time together. It was so easy between them until the ghost talk. He felt as if he had always known her. She was everything he wanted in a woman. He could now understand why some men said they were addicted to a woman. He never understood it before. He hated being distrustful of his own feelings now. He was not comfortable with the uncertainty now washing over him. In addition to the issues about this ghost-child, he didn’t know how she felt about him, not really. He didn’t think he was kidding himself. He believed she enjoyed being with him, he was sure of it. She said very little to him about her feelings, but they jumped so fast into their intense connection, they bypassed the stage most people spent getting to know each other.

Jacob got out of the car at the center and his stomach did a flip-flop. He knew this night with Cassie, and what might happen afterward, could be life changing. Now as he stood beside his car reluctant to take the next step, he realized he wasn’t totally sure how he wanted things to go. He wasn’t sure he was ready for a woman like Cassie. Then again, she may wave goodbye in a few months and never think of him again. It was the one thought pushing him on now. Yes, he would do it, follow his plan and end things tonight.

When he walked into the community room Cassie was the first person he saw. She wore a tight fitting black dress that exposed most of her back. Her long hair was pulled back and twisted into a knot at the nape of her neck. Black pearls dangled from her ears, and matching strands of black pearls were wrapped around her neck. He wondered if they were a gift from a past lover. His stomach clenched at the thought. She laughed at something April said, and gave April a long hug. Then she turned and saw him standing there. Cassie smiled and gave him a little wave. Jacob felt as though his feet were bolted to the floor. He watched Cassie say something else to April, and then she walked toward him, her high heels clicking on the tile floor.

“Hi, I just need to grab my purse on the table in the hall and I’m all yours.”

He smiled at her because it was all he could do for some reason. Cassie turned away from him to get her purse. Jacob could do nothing else but watch her and wonder how he could let her go now.

Jacob could sense April and the others in the community room were watching them but he didn’t care. As Cassie walked back toward him his thoughts went to fantasy mode. He saw her face looking up at him from the stark white pillow on her bed. He saw her hair fanned out across the pillow, her pink lips parted, and waiting for him.

It took him a few seconds to realize Cassie had stopped in front of him and was looking up at him with a puzzled expression. “Earth to Jacob.”

“What…oh, sorry was I staring at you?”

“Yes, I think you were.”

“You look very, ah, very stare-able.”

“Stare-able, Jacob?”

“A new word just for the occasion.” He steered her toward the door.

“Is that a compliment word or are you appalled by my appearance?”

“Oh yes, Cassie, appalled.”

“Just checking; I don’t want to embarrass you in public.”

“Every man will be jealous of me tonight. Don’t think I don’t know it.”

“Thank you, Jacob.”

He put his hand on her back and steered her toward the car. “We have a table reserved for 7:30 at Mick’s so we need to be on our way.”

“I heard it is a very good restaurant. Some of our writing students found it. Do you eat there often?”

“I used to go there a lot but not so much these last few years. I haven’t dated much since Lydia died. But let’s not go back in time. I’m sure you have been filled in on what happened with Lydia. I was going to tell you about it.”

“Yes, I think it was mentioned a time or two. I expect it must be hard to change your life all around after something like that. I can’t imagine it has been easy.”

“No, it hasn’t. I was… I am, just getting my life back to the point where I feel sort of normal I guess.”

Jacob could see Cassie was as tense as he was and searched his brain for a new topic of conversation.

“Jacob, I know we skimmed over a lot of personal things when we talked before, and I mentioned I was about to be engaged, or thought I was. I failed to say he was also my boss, so it was very traumatic leaving Jed and my job at the same time, and just after the death of my dad. I know it doesn’t compare with what you went through exactly, but I know it takes time to regroup.”

“How long were you together with…your…in your relationship?”

“Jed and I dated for several years. I thought I was in love with him but I know now it was not true. I sort of talked myself into it because I was with him all the time. He owned the publishing company where I worked. I worked for years trying to advance in the company. When I got to the point of dues paid, and had proven myself, he passed me over for a promotion because…it wouldn’t look right to promote me because we are involved.”

“That’s pretty harsh. You didn’t see it coming?”

“Not at all. There was a huge fight, then my father died, and Jed gave me some time off. He was very kind and when I was very depressed he gave me the space I needed when I asked for it. Though thinking back now, he was quick to give me space, and seemed to want to stay away from me. It was too much work for him to comfort me. I see it now.”

“We all might make different choices sometimes if we could go back. Don’t blame yourself for doing what you thought was best, Cassie.”

“I can see a lot of things now, of course. Jed called me one day when he had reached the end of his patience, or maybe needed help at the office, and insisted I come back to work. It is just the way he is and the way he handles things. He is used to getting his way in all things. He was not about to let my dad’s death and my depression get in the way of his master plan, whatever that was. It worked on me, just like he knew it would. I get angry at myself now when I think about how easily he manipulated me. Jed needed me so I agreed to go back to work. Then I went to his house one day to surprise him and found a woman there with him.”

“Ouch, that must have been a shock. Did he have a history of doing this?”

“I have no idea, Jacob. I didn’t know him at all as it turned out. Finding out was the breaking point for me, of course, and it was a blessing in disguise. I was feeling so lost and vulnerable from losing my mother and father both in less than two years, and then not getting the promotion. I might have gone back to Jed and the way things were if I had not come face to face with his cheating, literally. I am not normally a risk taker or impulsive person, but I quit the job, quit him, and here I am.”

“I’m impressed, Cassie. It took a lot of guts to make such a move; to leave your home, friends and career behind, and your relationship. You said your mother died the year before too?”

Jacob noticed Cassie stopped to take a deep breath before answering. “Yes, she committed suicide, though they ruled it accidental overdose, which it could have been, I suppose. She struggled all her life with mental illness, and my dad finally got to the point he couldn’t handle it, and he moved out a few years before.”

“You have had a rough time of it. I’m sorry, Cassie, and I understand how you must have felt. To lose a personal relationship on top of the rest must have felt like the universe was kicking you while down. It is painful to know someone we loved betrayed us, and at the worst possible time.”

“I put up with a lot for a long time, and I cared for Jed, of course, but once I finally make up my mind, it is done,” Cassie said.

“I try to be the same way but I am not always so successful.”

“Jacob, to be honest, I’m starting to believe it was the best thing I ever did.”

“Leaving the job or the guy?”

“Both. Jed owes me big time but he will never admit it. I helped him make the company what it is. I wined and dined authors, read crummy manuscripts from new writers, all the time searching for a few good ones we could cultivate because he was too lazy to do it. I worked through holidays and never took vacations. Oh… I’m sorry, I seem to be in poor me mode or doing a rant. It’s over and done and I am glad.”

“What’s your next step, Cassie, if you don’t mind telling me?”

“You mean if I get ever get this book written, then what?”

“Well, that is sort of what I meant. I guess I’m wondering if you might ever consider living here in Ireland. It seems to agree with you and you seem to like it.”

“Only in my dreams, Jacob. But I have given it a little thought of late, in a maybe-I-could sort of way. One can write from anywhere. But what family I have left and all of my friends and contacts are back in the U.S., so I don’t know. It’s a maybe, I guess, but a big move for me.”

“Yes, I can see the challenges. Leaving one’s family and country is a big decision,” Jacob said.

They pulled into Mick’s parking area and Jacob could see it was already filling up, which was not unusual. He was glad he had connections, so no bad table by the kitchen for him.

Jacob saw a few heads turn as they went in. Cassie didn’t seem to notice the men looking at her but he guessed she was used to it by now. The hostess, Amanda, gave him a wave from across the room and rushed over to greet them.

“Jacob, so nice to see you again. It has been far too long.”

“Thank you, Amanda, this is Cassie.”

“Nice to meet you, Cassie. Any woman who can get Jacob out of the house deserves a medal. He hates crowds you know.”

“Amanda is one of my cousins, I think. Table please,” Jacob said.

“Nice to meet you too, Amanda,” Cassie said.

After they were seated and the waiter poured their wine, Jacob relaxed a little.

Cassie looked around and sat back. “Beautiful place.”

“Yes, but the downside of living where one grows up is everyone knows your entire life story and personal business. Take tonight for example, Amanda will tell her sister and her mother she saw me out with you and it will ripple across the miles of Dublin and to Rosehaven before I get home.”

“Yes, but Jacob, there is some comfort in knowing you can reach out for someone and find they will be there for you and just because you have history. It’s not like in Atlanta. It is huge, sprawling, and transient. People get into their little communities and have to make their life and friends the best they can as people come and go through the years.”

“I never thought of it that way before. I have always lived here so I have no other frame of reference. Though Dublin is large now too, there are pockets like in any large city where people go to be with their own kind. In Rosehaven, well, it is still a small place and everyone knows everyone.”

“It is a special place just the same, Jacob. You are lucky to have been raised in such a place. Were your parents born around here too?”

“My mother was but my father was born in Donegal. They both ended up in Dublin at university in the same English Lit class. Mother said she liked him from the start, but she knew she was in love when he stood up and quoted James Joyce in the pub one night.”

Cassie laughed. “The Irish and their pubs! I’ll bet a lot of people fall in love in the pubs.”

“I’m sure. At least they fall in love for the night.” Jacob watched the candle light play around Cassie’s face and he wondered how he could let her go.

After dinner Jacob took Cassie to Mandy’s Tavern, the place Tommy suggested. They were having a fiddling competition, and those always brought down the house. Two hours later they emerged into the night air with the fiddle still ringing in their ears.

“How about back to my house for coffee, Cassie?”

“Yes, a great idea.”

Jacob put his arm around Cassie and gave her a kiss on the cheek. He closed her car door and looked up into the night sky; and for the first time in decades he sent up a prayer to his favorite saint. He was sure Cassie would find it funny if she knew. It almost made him laugh…almost.