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ROSE KNEW THAT THERE were higher forces at work in her world. She had been fond of church growing up, until she discovered the truth about her curse. She also knew about the magic born into the fairies, and she had seen divine providence in other people’s lives enough to know that there was something greater out there, beyond where she was.
Unlike Theo, Rose was not certain of God’s goodness, or even the extent of his power. What was he thinking, letting all those people and creatures and even nature itself destroy others? If he was such a good god, why did she still have the curse on her? If he was so powerful, why did he not save her from it?
But, Rose thought as she prayed, she was graciously willing to reconsider all of that, if he would only give her the strength to get through this conversation.
She squared her shoulders, and then headed out. She walked through the courtyard toward the training area, holding up her lantern in the dying light of the day.
The last week or so had been full, she told herself. That was part of the reason she had delayed this conversation. There was a wedding to plan, an attack to coordinate, and her uncle to intimidate. There had been plenty to do, and plenty of things done. She’d welcomed Virtue back, only to send him back out almost immediately to tell Derick to send his soldiers to designated positions. She had informed the king of Isra’s wedding, and he had approved, hearing Isra’s decision was for the kingdom. When Rose told her mother, Leea had been more ecstatic to hear Isra had fallen in love with her prince.
Hebert, for his part, took the news well. In front of her, anyway. Rose had a feeling he was agitated about the news, and she was glad for his irritation. She hoped that his true thoughts on the matter would prompt him to make a mistake with his friends, and she would be able to capitalize on that to get him to leave.
Yes, Rose thought. Everything is coming together the way it is supposed to.
That was probably why she dreaded talking to Ethan.
She watched him as he sparred with another squire in the training field. She saw his good form, never wondering for a moment how well Theo had managed to train him. She saw his movements and immediately remembered how she’d taught Theo herself, several years before.
She bit her lip, thinking about him again. It had been nearly five years since she had set out to find a way to break her curse, as Rhone’s youngest knight. Theo had been at her side, unwilling to leave her to her own devices, and unwilling to let himself be guided by the whims of palace life.
He told her he had come to learn from her, but she knew she had learned just as much from him—if not more so.
She did not want to think about the last weeks of her life without him. Even as they were coming back from the Romani territory, being stuck on the road with their galling guide, Natala, had been brightened with moments of his kindness.
When he comes back, Rose thought, willing herself to believe he would, I will do everything I can to break my curse for him.
Rose blinked tears out of her eyes as the sudden realization hit her.
That was what he was asking of me, all along, wasn’t it?
That she would not just fight for herself, or her kingdom, or for her dreams of having a real future. He had been asking her to fight for him.
And she had pushed him away, too scared to let him down as well as everything else.
Before Rose could once more tell herself it was for the best she had let him leave, once more force herself to lie to herself and everyone else, she saw Ethan was finished with his fight.
He had won, and Rose was glad to see him help the other squire up from the ground.
She walked over to him, once more reminding God of her conditions.
“Good job, Ethan,” she congratulated him.
He whirled around at her voice. “What are you doing here, Rose?” he asked, his voice hard and brusque.
“I wanted to talk to you,” Rose said.
“You don’t want to talk to me,” Ethan corrected her. “You just feel like you should.”
Rose frowned. “Fine,” she said. “You’re probably right about that. You know I hate to apologize.”
“You know I don’t want to hear an apology that’s fake.”
“I’m not going to give you one.” Rose took a deep breath. “I’m going to give you a real apology. You were right. I was scared, and I didn’t do the right thing.”
He stared at her. At his expression, Rose suddenly felt ages older than he was, even though he was only five years younger. “I’m sorry about Theo,” she said, her voice catching in her throat. “I didn’t want him to leave, either.”
“You let him.”
“I know. I was wrong.” Rose sighed. “I miss him even more than you do.”
“He really does love you, you know,” Ethan said. “He tries to hide it because he knows you don’t want him to.”
“That’s not true,” Rose said. “I want him to, I promise. I just don’t want him to get hurt. That’s why I let him leave.”
“Isra was right, wasn’t she?” Ethan asked. “You hurt a lot of people when you try to protect them.”
Rose laughed bitterly. “I guess so,” she said. “But I don’t want to hurt you, and I am sorry if I did.”
“I think everyone gets hurt,” Ethan said. “Pain seems to be something everyone feels, one way or another.”
“Or multiple ways,” Rose agreed. She held out her hand. “Can you forgive me?”
Ethan took her hand and shook it. “I can,” he told her. And then he sighed. “You have always tried so hard to support me, Rose. I love you for it. But you really can’t decide what’s best for other people all the time, you know.”
“I’ll work on it.” Rose gave him a smile as she pulled him into a tight hug. “Some of that comes from being a princess, you know.”
“Well, you should know better than most people that some people are determined to suffer, no matter their circumstances.”
She said nothing to that, since she was pretty sure Ethan was talking about her. Rose let him go and watched as he ran a hand through his hair, disgruntled somewhat by her display of affection.
Ethan waved before heading off to continue his training.
She almost told him to get to bed instead, as it was already dark out, but she let him go. Rose knew that he had a point, too—with the wedding and the battle at Darkwood both coming up, they had to work hard to be prepared, and that included Ethan.
Well, Rose thought, as she made her way to her own room. That wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. She was actually happy about it. She had her friend back, she had made it through the conversation without crying, and she had one less problem to solve.
All in all, Rose thought, it had been a good day. Derick’s soldiers would soon be on the way, Hebert was upset, and Isra and Philip had finally learned that their displays of affection were making people either angry or annoyed. They had promised to tone it down some; but seeing that Isra had begun carrying little scrolls around, Rose had a feeling Philip was writing her more poetry.
She turned down the hallway to her room, hoping Mary had sent her some tea before bed.
And then she stopped.
Theo was standing in front of her bedroom door.
Rose rubbed her eyes, making sure she was awake. But there was no change in her vision as she looked at him again.
As if she had wished him into her reality, there he was. Theo—his face tired, grimy, and tanned by his time in the sun—had returned. His hand was raised, ready to knock on her door.
It’s just like that night, Rose thought. They had run into each other unexpectedly at the Crystal Lake hot springs, half-naked and in their underwear. After their fight, he had come to her room.
Only to stop, raise his hand to knock, and then eventually step away without a sound.
Rose had seen him from the hallway behind him, having gotten lost on her way back to her room. She had watched in silence as he left, wondering what their conversation could have been like.
Now, Rose felt the same rush of longing, as her heart began to beat faster. She watched as he pulled his hand back again. Rose could not blame him for his uncertainty; part of her wanted to shrink back into the hallway and pretend she hadn’t seen him at all, too, like she had before.
Before she could do just that, he reached out and knocked on her door. The rap was short but loud. If she had been on the other side, Rose knew she would have heard it. “Theo?”
At her voice, he turned to face her. “Princess.”
Rose suddenly felt a rush of resigned frustration, angry with God and his humor once more. She had prayed for her conversation with Ethan to go well, but she knew this conversation was the one she would really need help getting through.