KATE WALKED THROUGH the rest of the morning very glad that she had years of practice in looking after kids, because the care she was giving Jamie was the parenting equivalent of autopilot. She cuddled and nursed and diapered, she swept rooms and went outside and yanked up every weed she could see in the flowerbeds bordering the porch. She may have beheaded a few tulips while she was at it. The jury was still out on that.
It didn’t matter. None of it mattered. All she cared about at the moment was keeping Jamie happy and staying away from her computer. Also her phone, which she deliberately left on the kitchen table, thus ensuring she wouldn’t be able to hear it from outside.
There was nothing Boone could say that would make a difference now. She’d offered her life, her dreams, her heart, and he’d made it clear that he wanted no part of them.
“He can take his stupid job and...”
She growled beneath her breath, yanked up another weed and breathed.
At long last, naptime arrived. She settled Jamie in his crib and did a face-plant on the bed, praying that sleep would come swiftly.
Instead, just as she felt that familiar heaviness seeping through her body, the doorbell rang.
“Son of a—”
She could ignore it. She should ignore it. She wasn’t expecting anyone, and she wasn’t interested in supporting the school band trip or the local soccer league, and if Boone thought he could make up for being an ass by sending her flowers, he could eat the damn things. If she was really lucky, they would be covered in nasty, scratchy thorns.
But whoever it was rang the bell again. And Jamie made a little mewing noise that meant he was halfway to waking up. And she knew that if she wanted any chance of getting any sleep, she had to haul ass to the door and stop whoever was there before they hit the bell again.
She closed the door to the bedroom and hurried out front. As soon as she entered the living room she spied the familiar white hatchback in her driveway and immediately started swearing. It was her mother.
It wasn’t until she yanked the door open that she realized she had been cursing in Spanish.
Out of my head, Boone. Now.
“Mom.” Kate didn’t even bother pretending to be excited about Maggie’s sudden appearance. “This really isn’t a good time.”
Maggie’s eyebrows went up. “Will the Queen be dropping in today?”
“No.”
“Then you can manage five minutes for your mother.” Maggie swept in, her eyes darting back and forth.
“Jamie just went down for his nap. If you wake him, you’ll be spending every Mother’s Day by yourself for the next thirty years.”
“Well, aren’t you a ray of sunshine today?”
Kate longed to come up with a snappy reply, but at the moment, she didn’t have the strength to snap her bra strap. “I didn’t get any sleep last night. I want to have a nap while he’s asleep. So excuse me for being rude, but what do you need?”
Maggie stepped back and gave Kate the kind of once-over that used to mean there had been a phone call from the teacher and it hadn’t gone well. “Allie stopped by this morning.”
Something started throbbing behind Kate’s left eye.
“She said she wants to move in with Cash.”
Kate braced herself, imagining what might come next. A tirade against living together without even being engaged? A pointed reminder that she had hoped Kate would talk sense into Allie?
Instead, Maggie reached into her pocket and pulled out a folded check.
“She feels very badly about making a promise to you about helping with the expenses and then leaving. But she’s still paying off the wedding that wasn’t, so she asked if she could borrow some from me.”
Exhaustion and amazement swirled inside Kate, filling her eyes. “Oh, my God, Mom. She doesn’t have to do that.”
“Well, she did start something with you and then decide to cut and run. I understand why she did it, but still, you already had that done to you once. I won’t let your sister do it to you, as well.”
And there was the Maggie she knew and loved.
Kate pushed the check back. “Not happening, Mom.”
“Oh, Katherine. You know I didn’t mean—”
“Yes, you did, and please don’t insult either of us by pretending otherwise.”
Maggie rolled her eyes and sat down on the sofa. Kate stifled a groan. There went her nap.
“Put yourself in my shoes, Kate. How would you feel if someone treated Jamie the way Boone has treated you?”
This was so not the day for this discussion.
“I would probably hope that I did a good enough job raising him that I could trust his judgment. And know that there might be more to the situation than what I could see.”
“Easy to say from here.”
“Yeah, that’s true. But it’s also true that Boone is taking a job with the Northstar Foundation, just so he can afford to keep me and Jamie in this house. And Allie is determined to keep me here. And you are offering money to help me stay here. And that’s all well and good and I love you all, but damnation, can’t anyone believe that I might want more out of life than this house?”
Oops.
If the break in her voice at the end of her rant hadn’t been a clue, she would have known she’d pushed it too far from the shock on Maggie’s face.
Kate thought she couldn’t get any more tired. Now, contemplating the apologizing and explaining and groveling that lay in front of her, she felt her exhaustion double.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I know you all mean well. I know that in the long run, everything will be f—”
Her unfinished word hung between them.
Maggie stood. Kate braced herself, waiting for her mother to pour out some guilt, walk away, whatever.
Instead, Maggie walked over to her and pulled her into a hug.
“Oh, Katie.” Maggie’s fingers were strong as they stroked Kate’s hair. “I’m so sorry.”
Kate wanted to laugh and remind her mother that, really, Kate had been the one disparaging everyone, but she stayed quiet. Partly because if she opened her mouth, the lump in her throat was going to emerge in the form of howls. Mostly because she knew that if she really wanted people to listen to her, she had to stand behind her own words.
“It’s funny,” Maggie said, continuing to play with Kate’s hair. “When I came over that day and talked to him—”
Kate tensed and raised her head. “What day? You talked to Boone without me?”
“When you hurt your ankle. You were asleep. Didn’t he tell you?” Annoyance crossed Maggie’s face. “I brought lasagna. Don’t tell me he didn’t feed it to you.”
“I remember lasagna. He said you left it on the porch.”
“Did he now?”
Kate didn’t know what had happened between her mother and Boone, but watching Maggie now, she was sure it hadn’t been a tea party.
“Mom? What did you do to him?”
“I didn’t do anything.” Maggie gave her a quick pat on the back before returning to the sofa. “But I gave him some insights into—well—dealing with you. When you’re sick or injured, I mean.”
The throbbing behind Kate’s left eye had spread to encompass the entire side of her face. “What. Did. You. Say.”
“I didn’t give out any state secrets. I simply told him that you don’t like to be a bother, so he would have to ask you what you wanted. Which seems to be something I forgot myself.”
Okay. Kate could live with that. Except that everyone seemed to have forgotten the part about asking and had gone straight to assuming.
“I also told him that if he broke your heart, I would hunt him down and turn him inside out. So, when is he starting this new job? Because I want to know if I need to book a flight to Peru, or if I can save the money and kill him once he gets here.”
Kate stared at Maggie, not sure how to take it, then started laughing. Oh, but it felt good to laugh. And if it was tinged with a little hysterical exhaustion, well, that was understandable, wasn’t it?
“You can’t kill him, Mom. Jamie deserves to have his father around.”
“Then why, exactly, are you so upset about him taking the job?”
Either Kate was more tired than she thought, and incapable of saying things so people could understand them, or Maggie was trying to make her think.
Both options sucked.
“Because he’s doing it to—”
“Right. I know. So you guys can stay in the house.” Maggie frowned. “Will he be moving back in here with you?”
“I don’t—”
“Will you be staying married?”
“I... No. At least, I—”
“Do you want to stay married to him, Katie?”
It was the unexpected tenderness in Maggie’s words that got to her. Maggie was supposed to bluster when it came to Boone. She was supposed to snarl and defend and threaten. Kate could deal with those.
This, though. This hit her where she wasn’t ready.
She dragged her arm across her eyes, too weary to reach for a tissue. “Yeah, Mom. I know you think I’m an idiot, but if it were up to me, yes. I want to be married to him. Even if he planned to stay in Peru.”
Maggie nodded and stared out the window. Her hands twisted back and forth in front of her in some odd dance that Kate knew meant she was putting the facts together.
Good luck with that.
“I’m going to recap this, Kate. I want to be sure I have everything right.”
Kate nodded.
“You want to stay married but Boone does not.”
Stupid damn tears.
“He does, however, want to make sure you and Jamie can stay in the home that he believes you love. Is that right?”
She managed a nod.
“And to do that, he’s going to give up the one thing he told you from the start that he could not do.”
“Right. But not for me or—”
“I’m doing the talking now, Katherine.” Maggie’s frown knocked about twenty years off Kate’s emotional age. “Though I do have a question for you. Not you, the person, but you, the early childhood educator.”
Oh, goody. Unexpected territory. Just what Kate needed.
“You mentioned more than once that he didn’t have what anyone would call a stable childhood. So what would you say might be the most terrifying thing he could possibly do?”
“Mom. Come on. I have as much sympathy for him as anybody, but—”
“Please just answer the question. Your professional opinion only.”
“You’re not getting anything for Christmas this year, Mom. Not even a picture of Jamie.”
“Lucky for me, Allie taught me how to use the camera on my phone. I can zoom, crop and add filters. So. Your answer?”
“He... Well...taking a chance on a family would be...okay. The truth is, he’s afraid that if he’s with us, he’s going to end up hurting us the way his mother hurt him.”
Maggie paled slightly.
Kate rushed to reassure her. “But that’s because...okay, yes, there are statistics, and it’s right to be aware. Concerned. But nothing ever happened. I never saw anything that made me worry. He’s a good father, a wonderful father, but he... I told him I loved him. I told him I wanted us to stay together, even if we were in different places, and he said no.”
Maggie inhaled sharply.
“I know you mean well, Mom. Or at least, I think that’s what you’re doing. Nothing is making sense anymore. But he really doesn’t—”
“If he were anyone else, I’d be booking a flight right now,” Maggie said.
“We covered this already, remember? Jamie’s father. You can’t kill him.”
“Jamie is young. He wouldn’t remember. However...” Maggie pointed at Kate. “You love him. And even though you might not believe it right now, I think he loves you, too.”
Well those were words Kate had never expected to hear from her mother.
“I think he does, too. Or at least, I thought he did. But even if he does...love me, I mean...he still said he doesn’t—”
“Katherine Joy, for the love of God, can’t you see what this is? It’s a second chance.” Maggie’s gaze drifted up and sideways. She swallowed hard.
“When Neil died, there was nothing I wouldn’t have given to have another day with him. Well, other than anything involving you and Allie, of course. But other than that...right. Even if it meant we had to start over again. Even if it meant we could never be exactly what I wanted. Just having him here, in the world with us again...it would have been enough.”
Kate’s breath froze in her chest.
“You might think that Boone is coming back for the wrong reason, Katie, but he’s coming back. Maybe he needs to ease into this. Maybe it’s all still terrifying. Maybe he really does have his head up his ass, and I need to start brewing some arsenic tea for him. But he’ll be here. You’re going to get the chance to see what can happen.”
Kate dropped to the sofa, grabbed a corner of her T-shirt and mopped at her eyes. “Damn it, Mom.”
“I know. But what can I say? I want you to be happy. And whether I like it or not, I think he makes you happy.” Maggie reached across the space between them and rested her hand on Kate’s knee. “Besides, flights to Peru are expensive. If I do have to kill him it will be much easier to do it with him here.”
* * *
IN THE MIDDLE of June, Boone was at his desk when Jill came in with a stack of mail. She walked to his desk and very casually dropped a cream-colored envelope in front of him.
On the back was printed a drawing of a crowned royal lion, holding a red maple leaf: the seal of the governor-general of Canada.
“Interesting company you’re keeping these days.”
“I’m not keeping company with anyone.” He nudged the envelope aside. “That’s an invitation to the thing where they’re going to give the stuff we found back to the American government.”
Jill dragged another chair from the corner of the room and perched on the edge. With her elbow on her knee and her chin in her hand, she was the very picture of rapt attention.
“Tell me you’re going.”
“Nope.”
“What? Why not?”
Because Kate will be there. And even though he knew he would have to see her and spend time with her eventually, he didn’t think he was ready to do it in a public forum.
“It’s before I get there.” And maybe if he stayed focused on the report in front of him, Jill would get the hint.
Instead, she grabbed the envelope from the corner and opened it.
“Hey!” he said as she pulled out the invitation. “That’s personal.”
“I know.”
“You can’t open my personal mail. That’s violating federal law.”
“Is it?” She scanned the invitation. “I guess that makes me a criminal. Now I get to feel badass.”
He hid his smile. Jill, badass. Yeah. That’d be the day.
She set the invitation down, pulled off her glasses, and glared at him. “This is taking place two days before you were planning to leave.”
“Exactly.”
“So change your flight, Boone.”
“So change fees are expensive, Jill.”
“So sometimes they’re worth it.” She tapped the paper on the desk. “You knew exactly when this was happening when you booked your flight, didn’t you?”
“Maybe.” Yes.
“I can’t believe you’re such a shortsighted chicken.”
Okay, that was hitting below the belt.
“You want to tell me when this became your business?”
“Let me see. It might have been the day we convinced you to move in with us. Or the day you told us you were going to be a father. Or maybe the day I walked in on you after you finished telling Kate about your new job and you were so frozen in your chair that I thought maybe you’d seen a ghost.”
She would remember that one.
“You caught me at a weak moment. It’s bad form to throw it back in my face.”
At that moment, the door opened and Craig wandered in.
“Have either of you seen my—” He patted his pockets. Boone smiled. Jill sighed.
“Your glasses are on top of your head.”
“They are?” Craig reached up, grabbed the missing eyewear, and grinned. “Son of a gun. Someday I’ll get a clue.”
Jill snorted. “Hope it’s contagious.”
Midway through sliding his glasses into place, Craig paused and squinted at her, then at Boone. “Problem?”
“No,” said Boone, even as Jill barked out a laugh.
“You mean other than Boone playing Fifty Shades of Idiocy?”
“Ah.” Craig looked between them once more, stepped back and reached for the door.
“In that case, I’ll be on my way,” he said to Jill. To Boone, he offered a mock salute. “Good luck. You’re gonna need it.”
Boone knew better than to hope that Jill would have forgotten the topic.
“I take it Kate will be attending,” she said as soon as the door closed.
He shrugged.
“Of course, I can understand why you wouldn’t want to be near her. Not after she threw your efforts in your face.”
“It’s not gonna work, Jill.”
“What? I’m just pointing out facts.”
“You’re also still paying me to work here, which I can’t do if you’re harassing me about going to some...thing I want no part of.”
“Well, as your current boss, I would remind you that you could make some valuable connections at this event. And your new boss might feel the same way.”
Mierda. He hadn’t thought of that.
“Maybe I should go in your place.” She sat up straighter, seemingly delighted. “I haven’t had a trip home in years. I could go, say that I’m representing you, do some fund-raising while I’m there...” She nodded in approval. “And I would finally get to meet Kate and Jamie. I know I’ve talked to them, but it’s not the same. We might even be seated beside each other at the presentation.”
“The invitation isn’t transferable, Jill.”
“It’s not? Darn. Well, then I guess you’ll have to suck it up and go press the flesh yourself.”
“I told you—”
“And I told you that no one in a position that requires drumming up outside funding should ever turn down an opportunity like this. Besides, this way you could impress Kate with how good you look in a suit.”
He swiveled from the monitor to stare at her in disbelief. Jill was the queen of talking in circles when she was trying to get him to do something. Half the time he thought he had agreed to one thing, only to learn he’d actually said yes to something entirely different.
Not this time.
“Jill. I know you’re trying to help. I appreciate your concern. But I’m not going, and Kate and I aren’t getting back together, and—”
“Of course you’re going.”
At least she hadn’t said anything about Kate.
“You’re far too professional to let your personal feelings interfere with such an important professional commitment. I’ll take care of your flight.”
Panic filled his chest. “No. Jill, I’m not—”
“Not going to worry about seeing Kate again. I know. And the good part is, once this is behind you, you’ll undoubtedly have seen her at her loveliest. So once you resist that, you’ll know you can resist almost anything.”
This wasn’t happening.
“She told me she doesn’t care what I do, Jill.”
It was Jill’s turn to shrug. “Was that before or after you basically said that she couldn’t possibly love you for who you are, but just for what you could do for her?”
“What the hell?”
“Or maybe it was when you implied that she and Jamie weren’t worth turning your life upside down for, but the house was.”
He ran a hand over his forehead and closed his eyes. “You’re twisting everything around. That’s not what I meant and you know it.”
“Guess what, Boone? If I’m supposed to look for the meaning behind your words, then she gets the same courtesy.” She stood and leaned over him with a fierceness he hadn’t seen since she practically ordered him to move in with her and Craig. “She loves you, Boone, and you love her. You might be too stubborn and scared and busy licking your wounds to get over it, but it’s the truth. Luckily, I think you still have a chance to make things right.”
Damn it. Did she have to say that? Words like that got him hoping again. Hope was the worst. It made you believe things could change, people could change, and then it laughed in your face when it finally ran away.
“Everything you’ve told me about Kate makes me think that she is a strong, compassionate and loving woman, Boone. Better than your sorry ass deserves, but that’s not my call. I think you stumbled across the one woman on the planet who could put up with you and understand you and be the kind of partner you need.”
“And if I’m not what she needs?”
“Oh, Boone. Don’t you get it? That’s what marriage is about. Sometimes you’re the strong one, and sometimes you’re the needy one, and sometimes you’re both holding hands in the dark trying to figure out what the hell to do next. And as long as you’re both trying and working and giving everything you can, the rest is gravy.”
He wanted to push her words aside. But he couldn’t. Not just because everything she was saying felt so right, but because it was what he had seen her and Craig living all these years.
“Go to the ceremony, Boone. Shake hands and do your job. And when it’s over, go to Kate and tell her you’re sorry and ask if she can give you another chance, even though you don’t deserve it.”
“I thought you were supposed to be on my side.”
The glare she delivered over the top of her glasses told him exactly what a fool he’d been to say that. Funny. All those years he’d known that the useless things in his head came from his mother, he’d thought he was pushing them back himself. How had he not figured out that Jill was in there, too, fighting for him the way she always had?
“Fine,” he said. “I’ll do it. But not because you think I should.”
“I know,” she said, and he was pretty sure she did.