Beyond Words:
Silent Ways to Create
Intimacy and Reverence
Mainstream and New Age relationship experts often focus on developing communication skills as the key to having harmonious relationships, but in reality, most couples talk either too much, not at all, or only about the mundane details of their lives. Communication is valuable. Sharing mundane details, as well as your deepest thoughts and feelings (although not necessarily all of them), is very important for building and maintaining intimacy. Generally speaking, however, verbalizing is overrated, especially unfiltered venting of your feelings about your partner, something that people often mistake for communication. This kind of self-expression is frequently nothing more than self-indulgence. It usually produces more conflict, not less, and it can interfere with a deeper, unspoken form of bonding.
Try to remember the experience of falling in love (or if you are currently in that heightened state, think about how you and your new beloved interact when you’re together). Chances are you could spend hours just gazing at each other wordlessly. That’s not to say you didn’t talk or that talking wasn’t an important part of the process, but falling in love involves a lot more than conversation. Talking enables people to get to know each other intellectually, to hear each other’s stories, and to make some judgments about whether they are compatible. These are only the most basic and arguably the most superficial aspects of falling in love. Much of the really important communication that goes on in these early stages of a relationship is nonverbal. It involves body language, the gaze, touch, and a whole array of other forms of expression. We often miss or neglect these elements, or call them chemistry, because so much of falling in love takes place on an unconscious level.
Once we recognize the importance of nonverbal communication, we can take steps to re-create the process of falling in love on a daily basis. This will keep the sparks flying in long-term relationships; build harmony, intimacy, and connection; and make it easier to deal with conflict when it does arise. If you are in a new relationship, using this knowledge will help you build a stronger foundation for the long run (it certainly did for us). If you are not currently in a relationship, bear these concepts in mind the next time you meet someone and feel a sense of possibility. The practices are simple and only take a few minutes a day.
To reiterate, communication is important, but talking is overrated. You can find countless books that are replete with instructions on how to communicate with your beloved. (An Amazon.com book search for the words couples and communication produced 416 hits.) Many of them are focused on how to get what you want from your partner. You can go to any retreat center in the country and find workshops devoted to communication skills, active listening, and other ways to build intimacy through verbal expression. Some of this information is probably helpful for some people, but we are convinced that the best way to connect is to shut up and do it.
We’re not trying to be flippant when we make this assertion. Talking about your problems is not the best way to create or nurture a feeling of connection. More often than not, it leads to polarization and takes you away from your love for each other, since it engages the left hemisphere of your brain, the rational side. Falling in love isn’t rational. Connectedness comes first, and creating a feeling of unity is more important than complaining about your partner’s failing to meet your needs, or even asking for what you want.
The time to talk about issues is when you’re feeling connected, not when you’re feeling as if you’re on opposing teams. And if you are feeling polarized, resist the urge to express yourselves, and take some time to connect nonverbally. After you’ve done so, you’re likely to find that verbal communication is easier and that you are able to address the issue as collaborators, not adversaries. We’ve used and taught these techniques for years, and they really work.