Enhancing Oral Sex
Oral sex can be a profoundly mystical and spiritual act. Some cultures have recognized this for millennia. Unfortunately, for those of us in the English-speaking world, oral sex gets a bad name. It is often depicted as an act of domination and humiliation. Expressions like “Blow me” and “Eat me” are nothing if not hostile and negative. Of course, all sorts of sexual and sexually related anatomical terms are used in similar ways, but “It sucks” is one of the most common and socially accepted of all these expressions. Unlike most other similar phrases, it doesn’t get censored.
At the same time, oral sex doesn’t qualify as sex in the minds of some. Whatever his motives, when Bill Clinton denied having “sexual relations” with Monica Lewinsky, he was not far out of line with a culture in which many people think that “eatin’ ain’t cheatin’,” as the saying goes.
Although attitudes toward oral sex have changed considerably since the time when it was criminal in many states (some of these laws are still on the books but have been declared unconstitutional), it remains a taboo, and a source of discomfort, for many. A poll conducted in the late 1990s found that only 32 percent of women performed fellatio, oral sex on a penis, for pleasure, while the remainder did so out of obligation.37 A more recent study showed that among young people, ages 18–26, a majority of men enjoyed performing oral sex, an attitude shared by only a minority of women.38 Giving (as well as receiving) oral sex can be immensely pleasurable for virtually anyone, and we can only assume that if cultural attitudes were different, vast majorities of both young women and men would acknowledge enjoying it.
A subtler but still widespread and somewhat negative attitude toward oral sex is that it is appropriate only as foreplay, not as an end in itself. This seems to be the view of the Catholic Church, which deems nonprocreative sex to be sinful. According to one Catholic writer, oral sex is only acceptable if it is used to help produce simultaneous orgasms through genital intercourse.39
This is a terribly benighted view of sexual activity, and treating simultaneous orgasm as the right kind of sex, the goal to which all should aspire, is a prescription for sexual disappointment and dissatisfaction. Some other Catholic sources have a more generous attitude toward oral sex and treat it as acceptable foreplay, if done with moderation (whatever that means).40 As we see it, not only is oral sex great as foreplay; it is also a delightful form of sexual activity in its own right.
If you want to play around with cultural ideas about oral sex, by all means feel free to do so. Incorporating domination and humiliation into an erotic interaction can be a real turn-on for some people, but it is important to be aware of what you are doing. There is a difference between really believing that performing oral sex degrades you and playing a role to spice things up. The former is allowing your state of mind to be governed by the sex-negative messages we have all received, and the latter is using your state of mind (and those sex-negative messages) to empower yourself and to increase your pleasure.
As we have already discussed, it is important to be mindful of safer-sex protocols and to make informed decisions; if you are fluid-bonded (have made an agreement to share sexual fluids), the exchange can be a profoundly intimate act, with mystical overtones. If you are not and are using barriers, you have a number of options; you can replace the sexual fluids with symbolic substances or visualize the energetic exchange. Whichever you choose, oral sex can be an act of worship and reverence when approached with the right attitude. As we wrote in The Essence of Tantric Sexuality, when performing oral sex “you are either on your knees or prone and are physically attached to a living altar.” 41 If you carry this awareness with you at some level, you will have the capacity to recognize the transcendent in what is often considered a shameful act.
Oral sex can also be incredibly exciting, for both giver and receiver. For some, receiving it is the source of the most intense orgasms, and there are fortunate individuals who can experience orgasm by giving it. Even for those who are not so blessed, it can still be intensely arousing to bring a lover to ecstasy. Perhaps more importantly, the mouth is very sensitive, and our earliest pleasures are oral. With or without orgasm, if you can truly focus while giving oral sex, it is easy to lose yourself in the ecstatic experience.
In this section, we’ll share some effective ways to make oral sex even more pleasurable and some visualizations that should give you access to its transcendent potential.