CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR

PAST

I was signing multiple copies of the letter that I just wrote, one to each of the Permanent Members of the United Nations Security Council. I had discovered recently that writing reduced my stress levels considerably. I went to a different place when writing, sometimes I’d be there ten minutes, sometimes ten hours. Everything around me faded and I would be completely entranced with what I was doing, the only unifying thing about each episode was the curious fact that I would have absolutely no idea what I’d written when I returned to the here and now. Reading my scribbles was the first time I’d get any insight into what they contained. Today, what they contained were the outpourings of a troubled mind on a downhill journey. To say that I was shocked, although slightly amused, was an understatement. I could not have written such a factual, entertaining yet bizarre piece of literature if I had tried. Instead of taking what I had just written as a warning, I decided to simply post the letters to the UN representatives.

Dear Sirs,

As I understand it the description of a product or service etc. must not lead the average person to believe it offers something significantly better then it, in reality, does.

I know this does not apply to trademarks, etc. But I believe there are accepted standards suggesting a company name, say “bloggs.com” should not have the web domain name “bloggs.edu.” Should a person suffer loss as a result of not being able to contact “bloggs.com” due to this, they would have reasonable grounds for complaint and possibly compensation.

Believing I have now fully established this point, I wish to formally complain about the geographical region of the world known as “Bulgaria”.

Having a name that sounds like a European Country falsely leads people to believe they can expect, upon visiting this “Bulgaria”, similar realities to those they have encountered in other European Countries - whilst allowing a plausible margin of deviation from the norm.

This is not a true or correct expectation in any respect. I give a modest few examples.

Nothing Works - literally nothing works in the entire country, at least not for very long. This is true to the extent that when purchasing goods, the shop assistant will demonstrate them “working” in front of you - and will show palpable relief when electrical activity commences. This demonstration is unlikely to go on longer than a few seconds - they know not to push their good luck.

However, nothing that an average, civilized person would reasonably expect to be able to purchase is available for purchase.

No building material has any structural characteristics in any way what so ever

No tradesman or “Mister” has any discernible skill even when observed closely for tiny traces

The GDP is measured in self-pity per capita

The language is impenetrably complicated with words the length of an average Dickensian chapter, but they don't have enough of them for the number of things in existence.

The accepted beatification requirement is “Two verifiable postmortem miracles” - in this land the first two people to learn to read and write were beatified. Which admittedly here is a miracle, but not in the accepted way required.

Several people have had to be rushed to “Hospital” this year having suffered severe trauma watching me do a hard day’s work

The prevailing belief is that the way you approach any work-related task, is to first identify the insurmountable problem that will prevent its completion.

Wait - there is nothing more, sorry that’s it, the end of the paragraph on work. I know you were expecting something to follow but it doesn’t. Sorry. Either here nor in life - you find the insurmountable obstacle that will prevent you completing the task and then [void]

Amnesty International’s definition of torture; "Torture is the systematic and deliberate infliction of acute pain by one person on another, or on a third person, in order to accomplish the purpose of the former against the will of the latter”. However, in this land Torture is held to be “Torture is the systematic and deliberate requesting by one person on another, or on a third person, in order accomplish some work for the former against the will of the latter, especially if they have been paid in advance”

I have had the terrible misfortune to run businesses in this land for over 5 years and I have removed every semblance of a thought process from every task any staff member has to perform; but even this is not enough to stop them from screwing it up.

Not only is it easier, by far for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a Bulgarian 35-year-old male to not screw things up – but it is easier for the camel to pass through the eye of a needle backwards, while breaking the speed of light and dividing by zero simultaneously than it is for a Bulgarian 35-year-old male to not screw something up.

On the up side, in my time here I have discovered the most useless substance in the universe. I have given it a scientific name 35YoBm, but its known here as “the Bulgarian 35-year-old man”. Nothing has less usefulness, less potential, less energy. Before the universe existed, there was not anything. Not even nothing existed - it had nowhere to exist in and no time in which to do it. There was no time. There not nothing, there was NO anything at all. Yet this, this very “no when” and “no-where” and “no anything” was simply bursting with energy and life and prospect and possibility when compared to the 35YoBm.

Nature abhors a vacuum - so she filled it with the35YoBm. Every 35YoBm in an event horizon in our universe. Here, inside the 35YoBm time collapses, all possibility and probability waveforms collapse in the negative, the Higgs Boson Particle cowers in a corner terrified by the negativity of the nothingness. Giant black holes spew useless, purposeless matter back into the universe like drunk English tourists vomiting cheap lager. Inside the 35YoBm, every unfulfilled dream and hope of humanity since the dawn of time, fights for space with the only thing bigger than the nothingness itself but which is in itself a paradox as it too is nothingness, it is the ego of the 35YoBm.

For these reason, and thousands more I formally request the name of this land be changed to “Brain Scoop Monkey Land.”

Brain Scoop Monkey Land - or BSM Land, if you prefer, perfectly describes everything about this country. There is nothing here that a small monkey that you have scooped the brain out of with a wooden spoon, could not do far, far, FAR better than a 35YoBm.

Please for the sake of humanity and advertising standards the world over, change the designated name of this land to “Brain Scoop Monkey Land” so no other poor innocent human is falsely given the impression that “Bulgaria” is a country in the accepted definition of the word.

Thank You,

Sorry but after 5 years here I can no longer remember my name, it was a nice name I think.

Oh - sorry one thing does work! Gravity - gravity works, I can tell by looking at my Bulgarian wall built by a Bulgarian “Mister” out of Bulgarian building materials. I can clearly see gravity working on it as I watch the property less matter it is made from crumble under its own mass.

----------------------------------------------------

Yes, I was completely losing my mind, and my business. In fact, my business was failing so badly and I was in such desperate need of employees that I could trust, that I hired my friend Craig to continue working with me, Angel, Ruby and Gia. When I had first met Gia, she was working at a tea stall in a designer mall. She was the sweetest thing I’d ever seen, a perfect miniature sized Russian doll. She is 4’8” tall and weighs 82 pounds. Her wrists are 1 ¼ “by 1” – when I was dating her it took me 6 full months (with an unlimited budget) to find a watch small enough to fit her; her shoe size is a US size 2.

But what was so amazing about her is that, she did not look small. If I showed you a picture of her and told you that she was 5’ 10”, you would believe it. Most short people LOOK short, but Gia was a miniaturized 6-foot woman. She has really long, elegant legs, until she stands next to a normal person and then you realize they are long as a proportion to her body – she is like an optical illusion.

After my birthday present, it was apparent that Angel had no problem with my working with an ex, living with an ex or even being with an ex. I don’t think Angel has met a woman that she felt could be a threat for her. Things were spiraling so far down that I was actually facing possible deportation to the U.S.A. for selling illegal drugs to the U.S.

I received an email from, probably, the nicest guy in the world; he had absolutely no reason to send it and many reasons not to send it. I am eternally grateful that he did! The Founder and CEO of the official US distributor for Zajia products sent me an email telling me that a Zajia customer in the US had reported us to the FDA - The US Federal Food and Drugs Administration.

Ruby was supposed to check every ingredient of every product we listed in the U.S.A. to make sure it was not banned by the FDA, or the hideously restrictive and more poignantly enforceable Proposition 65 in California. Now I am a pretty organized guy when not fighting 200 separate bush fires, and as this action was initiated pre- Angel it was in the days of peace, profitability and tranquility. Therefore, this had been included on a policy document that was laminated and nail-gunned to Ruby’s wall infant of her - they don’t have blue tack in Bulgaria - and it was also on the “Product Listing Checklist - U.S.A.”. I used to police these things but Phoenix’s motivation was not to keep the company running smoothly and me out of prison it was to toss it off and flirt with the girls. SO - no one had bothered to make Ruby stick to these check lists. What was more, Ruby had not even kept a log of the listings she had updated or recently listed. Now I could tell which listings she had done recently but products are updated all the time - there would be say 200 or 300 updated products since Phoenix joined. NOT only that, could you really trust that “tick” on a box from 4 months ago that said Ruby had actually checked that the product was US friendly?

Let’s face it, an employee who is prepared to totally forgo a checklist the second a boss is not asking for it, is equally likely to simply put a tick against it when he is asking for it. AND remember we are talking about me being extradited to the U.S.A. to stand trial on a form of drug smuggling here - So what do you do? Do you believe your clearly, not very dedicated employee and trust your freedom to that assurance?

SO - I had to pull EVERY SINGLE LISTING ON AMAZON IN THE U.S.A.!!!!!

And by this point, the UK had shrunk so much that the U.S.A. was 60% of our profit!!

Obviously, it was now a priority to get these listings back up and running on the U.S.A. as fast as possible.

I knew that having all my eggs in the Amazon basket was dangerous long before it truly showed itself to be a nightmare and I wanted to divest my interests. One area I was particularly interested in was the Apple Apps Store - there were only a few thousand apps on there at the time, and I had multiple instances where I would want an app to do a job and it didn’t exist.

Now - there are many people in the world advertising for ideas for businesses. Well I have news for you if your one of them you aren’t going to make it in business. End of story – no if, ands or buts. If you cannot even think of an idea - well your screwed before you even start. I have at least 3 a day - every day; as do most entrepreneurs. Here is what you do - the next time something frustrates you – THAT becomes your business idea!

The next time you cannot find what you need – THAT becomes your business idea. So, when 50% of the things I want an app for don’t exist – hey, that’s MY business idea.

So, I had a list of about 18 to 20 ideas for apps on my phone that I’m desperate to find the time to start a company producing - I know this is a time limited venture, another 2 years and all of these apps will have been done by other people- and that is exactly what did happen. One idea that I had was a permanently horizontal “steady cam” app for video on the iPhone. Unfortunately, I never let the idea become anything more than an idea and it broke my heart when a couple of years later I found out that it went on to become one of the highest grossing apps of all time.

Another app that I was interested in manufacturing was to create an app for my stress; I wanted a proper chromotherapy app that would link to the Bluetooth enabled controller on the Digital Individually Addressable RGB256 LED lighting system that surrounded the bed in 360 degrees. The lighting would make lovely soft delicate pattern in time to music and take into account the style of the music, etc. I wanted it to actually be able to do proper chromotherapy NOT just pretty lights and patterns and I wanted to create an app for this. This was never going to be a huge selling app - this was essentially custom for me.

As I was contemplating how to make that app a reality, I realized that Phoenix was in the main office being useless as usual. I mentioned chromotherapy in passing to him.

“OH - I did a full year on chromotherapy when I was at university in Switzerland,” he boasted proudly. Now THAT caught my attention.

“DID you? Fantastic!! I want to talk to you NOW - I’m about to start and commission work on a chromotherapy app for the iPhone. I needed a specialist and now I have one! Let’s go to my office now - literally I was about to advertise on freelancer for someone.” I was actually pleasantly surprised thinking that maybe, at long last, Phoenix might have a usable talent, musicals will never cease.

“Oh - I can’t, er, er, I have things to do,” he stammered.

“Like what?” As his boss I was very well aware of his lack of doing well, anything.

“Oh, er, you know Angel needs help with the F.B.A. stuff.”

“Like I need your help you freak,” came Angels voice barreling down the hallway. Phoenix’s face got red as he spluttered some more and that’s when the truth finally smacked me in the face. He didn’t know a thing about chromotherapy! If you have studied something as obscure as chromotherapy for a year and your boss suddenly says he wants your help on a chromotherapy app, you poo your pants in excitement at the validation of your existence at last!!! You are on the phone to your parents saying “See I TOLD you one day it would come in useful!!!”

I dropped the issue and went to the office to get his CV. It showed the 3 years at unit is Switzerland and I pulled up the university details on google, and online were the registers each year of the students - it was NOT a big university - it was on the shores of Lake Lucern and it was exclusive and expensive. His name was not on the list - so I pulled up the search function and entered his name. THAT found him - he had attended a one-week workshop, paid for by an employer the week of his alleged start date, which he has NOT completed! He didn’t even get a certificate of the 1-week course, let alone a degree from there. SO, what had he done with the rest of the 3 years?? I checked the Woodland Retreat he had told me he had been at for a year with Heroin addiction rehabilitation – they had NO record of him every attending either. Hmmm - not looking good. So - no point checking out his employment in the UK, he owned the company and a check at company’s house confirmed he did own the company with Hanna.

The only other thing on there was his employment at a casino on the island of Cypress. That was going back 3 years so it was unlikely that would yield anything, but I rang the casino anyway and got through to the manager - it was not a big place. And guess what? He remembered him! In fact, he remembered him very clearly, but Phoenix had not worked for them the dates he stated, although he had worked there when he was supposed to have been at university in Switzerland. So, the gap was about 4 years between the job in Cyprus and the company in the UK. 1 year alleged re-hab and 3 years alleged university were proving to be lies.

The manager remembered him because he was arrested while driving one of the casino’s limo’s and not for a motoring offense - he was arrested because he had been bragging in the bars that he had killed a British tourist on the island. He was never charged with it instead he was deported off the island essentially for being a total wanker. THIS was why he stuck in the mind of the manager. It turned out the tourist had never actually been murdered - he died the way pretty much all British people on holiday who die. He got drunk and fell off his balcony. But this idiot had been “taking credit” for the “murder” and whilst that probably was not in its self a crime - they didn’t want the slimy little prick on their island.

The manager remembered him because he was arrested while driving one of the casino’s limo’s, and not for a motoring offence - he was arrested because he had been bragging in the bars that he had killed a British tourist on the island. He was never charged with it, instead he was deported off the island essentially for being a total wanker. THIS was why he stuck in the mind of the manager. It turned out the tourist had never actually been murdered - he died the way pretty much all British people on holiday who die. He got drunk and fell off his balcony. But this prick had been “taking credit” for the “murder” and while that probably was not in itself a crime - they didn’t want the slimy loser on their island.

My guess is the missing 4 years were spent in some jail somewhere for some other slimy wit activity - I truly don’t know but I wanted to find out before I sacked him. I was fairly free to do so now - HE was 100% responsible for Ruby not sticking to the rules and it had cost me over 50% of the business - I had video of him dealing drugs - I was home and dry on that one and it would be difficult (I thought) for him to feel badly done to for being sacked for costing my half the business. THAT’S a sackable offence in any company.

 

—- § —-

 

He had not been gone an hour before I was faced with the worlds most pathetic murder attempt. Now, considering the number of stupid things I’ve done in my life it’s surprising that this is the only first and official attempt on my life. The positive thing is – well, I survived but the ridiculous, outright embarrassing thing of it is that I can’t even brag about surviving, I can’t even get a drink out of it in a bar!

“Oh yeah, someone tried to murder me once you know!” I imagine beginning the conversation.

“Really,” Eyebrows raise, people sitting nearby tune in their attention. “Did you take a bullet?”

I shake my head no and down my shot.

“Knife?”

“Nope?” When did the bar get so quiet?

“Poison?” He now asks losing interest.

“No, not really,” I say recognizing I must enter something into evidence or they will think I’m crazy, “well you see, “where do I begin? “They gave me tons of cheap meth and well, you know what – it doesn’t matter.”

“NO – go on, tell us,” he says once again intrigued; a small crowd has formed around us. I motion to the bartender for another shot.

“I’d rather not, “I finally say, as the heat of the alcohol burns my throat. Now they look angry, deceived and wanting vengeance for their wasted time.

“Come on – tell us’ you can’t just say someone tried to murder you and then not give us any of the gruesome details.”

The sad thing is, there are no gruesome details, that’s the whole problem. If someone tries to kill you - you at least want a story good enough to dine out on, at the very minimum a drink or two, but this was so pathetic that at first, I just thought Angel was making it up.

After Phoenix had stomped out like a toddler having a tantrum, Angel had brought me a few sheets of paper explaining they had belonged to Phoenix but had gotten caught up in some of Ruby’s paperwork. Phoenix’s handwriting was quite distinguishable, it was like that of a 14-year-old girl with little º’s as the dots on i’s and things like that. I glanced down at the paper she handed me:

 

POA for company in your name

How to get rid

O/D him on sniff - no police

How to - him - O/D - difficult

Stroke??

Pump full - sniff

Shaking - problem

Alcohol - to stop it

Trust - tell him you used to be addict - trust you about drugs

Stress him to death - create chaos

Suicide / stroke

 

Again, I thought Angel was making it up, his hand writing was not hard to have copied. I asked Angel where she got it from and was told Ruby had found it in a pile of product stickers - I called Ruby and she HAD found it 5 minutes earlier in a pile of product stickers. She said she had previously placed the stickers on Phoenix’s desk while using them - he shouted at her to get her crap off his desk and she picked them up - she didn’t realize she had picked up his work as well.

She was flustered by his anger.

When she went to use the stickers again she found the sheets.

“What did they have on them?” I asked testing her out.

“Well, I didn’t study them but it was weird crap about police and alcohol, I asked Angel if she knew what it was and she went straight to you.”

Well OK - Angel’s story checked out.

Then I remembered only I knew about the being an addict story. AND he had told me to use alcohol to mask the shaking and he sure as hell was supplying me lots of sniff at really good prices.

The slimy little loser had been trying to pump so much methamphetamine into me and stress me so much so that I would have a massive stroke or just lost it and kill myself.

And he had had a lot of unexpected help from Angel!!!!!

AND the little prick had sat in my office working it out on paper - I guess he intended to destroy it, but his temper at Ruby interrupting him had ensured it remained in existence.

I was apoplectic with rage - it was such a SHIT plan!!!

Having someone trying to kill you is one thing - but having someone try to kill you by “stressing” you to death is just plain pathetic!!!

It’s too embarrassing to even tell anyone about!!

HOW do you tell that story in a bar???

That was something you kept completely to yourself. It’s f&*^ng pathetic as a story - you don’t look a super hero for surviving - you look like a WANKER by association!