CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT

PAST

Object permanence typically starts to develop between 4-7 months of age of an infant and involves a baby's understanding that when things disappear, they aren't gone forever. Before the baby understands this concept, things that leave his view are gone, completely gone. Developing object permanence is an important milestone and is a huge achievement for an infant.

Well, it doesn’t feel like something to be celebrated when you achieve it after, let’s say 40 years old. You see, the attack on me at the hotel, that had me stepping out of a body bag, threw me back to the mentality of a newborn with zero object permanence.

If I didn’t see it – it didn’t exist.

One day I went to the ATM to get cash and forgot my card. I went 11 times that day. Seriously 11 times!! I would walk to the ATM – but because I forgot my card, I would walk back to the apartment – I had NO IDEA why I was at the apartment but knew I that needed money so I would walk back to the ATM - have no card and back to the apartment again…and again….and again.

I had knowledge that I had been to the ATM, but I had no idea why I was back at the apartment. I knew I had been back to the apartment when I was at the ATM but I had no idea it was for the card until I found that I didn’t have it at the ATM. THAT is seriously hard to cope with - far harder than you would think.

I could not feed myself since I could not put something on the stove - as soon as I turned my back it ceased to exist and it burned or set on fire. I used to forget to go to bed - you don’t realize that the urge to go to sleep comes in “pulses”; you get a tired pule and you go to bed - only I would forget where I was going and the pulse had gone so I would wander off and do something else. This could go on for hours - even all night. I used to forget to eat - same thing.

Tablets were a HUGE problem as we discovered when I overdosed accidentally on sleeping tablets - at first I could not sleep due to the trauma so I got some sleeping tablets. I took one, walked around saw the packet “Oh - sleeping tablets!” Took one, walked around saw the packet “Oh - sleeping tablets!” Took one, walked around saw the packet “Oh - sleeping tablets!” Took one, walked around saw the packet “Oh - sleeping tablets!” Took one - until the pack was empty and Angel was screaming at me about it having been a whole pack that day. That obviously resulted in a trip to hospital, but I only know that by the paperwork we had - I was fast asleep obviously. SO, I could not be allowed near tablets.

This meant that I needed 24-hour supervision which Angel WAS NOT prepared to give – she refused to allow my condition to interfere with her fun time, regardless of the fact that the person needing assistance was her boyfriend who had climbed out of a body bag to save her from being shipped as a sex slave. At least that was what I thought would happen to her if I allowed myself to die. But to her – we were ‘broken up’ so technically I was to view any help she did offer as charity, not loving treatment from my ‘girlfriend.’ Looking back I realized she always knew how to pick the most convenient times to break up with me; if I pointed out a flaw, oh if she lost say THOUSANDS of dollars at work, and especially if I needed any kind of personal care due to sickness or you know, near DEATH experiences. To her I was supposed to feel as if she was going above and beyond the call of duty by sometimes helping me not kill myself or die by accidental causes due to my brain damage.

Gia, on the other hand, is an extremely humanitarian person and was still pretty much in love with me. SHE wanted to look after me, she would even sneak into the apartment when Angel pulled one of her Houdini acts by disappearing for days, to look after me. I even discovered she was sleeping down at the main office so she could be near enough to pop to the apartment the second Angel left in order to look after me. However - Angel was NOT going to allow Gia to look after me - that was showing human concern and love, Angel could NOT compete with that, so it was NOT going to happen, hence the reason Gia used to hide in the office and sneak in when Angel had left, to look after me. This was simply humanitarian concern from Gia.

The thing I found the most difficult to cope with, at this point with Angel, was the total lack, the 100% lack of appreciation for the things I had done for her these past few years. She had been given a fantastic job, a life style she could never dream of, more forgiveness than anyone deserves, more love and attention than most see in a lifetime and to top it all – I had climbed out of a body bag to save her. I truly believed that the minimum I could expect was for her to stay with me to make sure I was ok, at least during this crucial point in my life, whether she considered herself my current girlfriend or NOT! Was there any humanity in there?

Now I was reduced to being a toddler again; unable to cope with the world and its complexities, scared of the outside and scared of the people out there.

Angel always had an excuse to be somewhere when what she really wanted was to not have to look after me. She went to her parents at Meden Rudnik simply to be away from needy me. Angel hated, I mean HATED looking after a sick person - it was truly at the top of her list of worst things possible to happen to her. It was № 1. I literally begged her to stay and look after me. It was the most humiliating time of my life - a man who has crossed the Sahara, crossed a live minefield, been shot at with machine guns, started 13 successful companies and many, many, more things that I never needed to ask for help with, but I was literally on my knees begging because I could not look after myself for 12 hours alone.

I was crying as I begged her ….but instead of helping, staying or EVEN allowing GIA to come - who would have at the drop of a hat - instead of that - she mocked me. I guess it was a mechanism to get me to let her go - it did, nearly permanently - she mocked me for being pathetic.

“What sort of a pathetic man are you that you need a girl to look after you?”

“How can you humiliate yourself like this, get up and be a man, men don’t need looking after.”

“YOU’RE supposed to be the one looking after me!”

“What if I need a man to look after ME tonight, what good are you going to be?”

There was no compassion for what I had gone through, not an ounce of empathy. She knew how to deliver an insult that was so personal and cut to the very soul of your being. I have a deep need to look after people, I’m the one everyone turns to when the shit hits the fan, I’m always the last one standing - not because I’m a hero, simply it’s my job to look after the others and make sure they are ok. It’s just my role in life, I never think about it, I never question it.

Angel knew that not being able to fulfil this job of being the one doing the looking after her was TERRIBLE for me and she knew that THAT was the subject to pick that would hurt most. She used it to full advantage going on about how I was an embarrassment for not being any use if she needed looking after, how I was a laughingstock to her friends because I could not be counted on to be there for her, how I was not just not a man I was nothing if I could not be there when needed - That was what men were SUPPOSED to be there for! How was SHE supposed to walk the streets at night knowing there was no one there to protect her? It went on for probably 1 and 1/2 hours maybe 2 hours. Again SHE was the true victim in this entire scenario and it was simply appalling that I did not understand that I was allowed to have any needs of my own.

She left me crying like a baby, broken, shattered on my knees.