part0007

Sometime in 1998, three heavily armed outlaws were holed up inside an apartment on the twenty-seventh floor of a high-rise in Harlem. Chris, who then headed the New York City FBI Crisis Negotiation Team, was the lead negotiator. A SWAT team was behind Chris, and snipers on nearby rooftops had their weapons trained on the apartment windows. The situation was tense.

Chris had no telephone number to call; he had to speak to the fugitives through the apartment door using his late-night FM DJ voice. For six hours straight, Chris simply voiced out what he thought was on the fugitives' mind; not once did the offenders responded to him. They were almost convinced no one was in the apartment until a sniper communicated to them that there was movement inside.

Not long after, the three fugitives stepped out. When they were asked what made them give in, they said that Chris calmed them down and believed that Chris would not go away, so they just stepped out.

In traditional negotiations, a negotiator is expected to keep a poker face and not show any emotion. The rule then was "Separate the people from the problem." However, when the problem is the person’s emotions, it would be impossible to separate the two.

Effective negotiation requires a high level of emotional intelligence, especially when dealing with an armed, emotional person. The negotiator's lack or absence of emotional intelligence may trigger negative emotions in the other party, leading to the disruption of productive dialogue and the loss of rational thinking. An emotionally intelligent negotiator talks less, listens more, and, when possible, observes more.

People get frustrated when they feel they are not being listened to, which can be disastrous to negotiation. It is wiser to employ tactical empathy, which means paying close attention to people, finding out how they feel, seeing the situation from their perspective, and understanding what is behind those feelings.

In the Harlem incident, Chris and his team voiced out the fugitives’ likely emotions during the situation calmly and respectfully. This negotiation tactic is called labeling.

Labeling acknowledges and validates another person's emotion and gives it a name to indicate that you associate with that emotion. It works well for tense situations because labeling decreases the intensity of the emotion.

Observe the following steps in labeling:

Step One: Discover the other person’s emotional state. Observe closely how people react to your words or any other external event. Take note of their body language.

Step Two: Verbalize the label, either through a question or a statement. Begin labels with any of the following neutral phrases to make the other party more responsive and open.

Step Three: Pause and listen. Avoid the tendency to expand on the label because it diminishes the positive effect of labeling.

Emotions have two levels: the “presenting” and the underlying. The “presenting” level is the behavior that we see and hear; underlying is what causes the “presenting” behavior. Negotiators must focus on the underlying emotions. Labeling weakens underlying negative emotions and reinforces positive ones.

Ignoring negative feelings can hurt the negotiation process. Acknowledge and label them without judgment to avoid ugly confrontations as the other party acknowledges the same emotion. Replace the negativity with an offer of a positive, compassionate solution.

When a person sees a threat–whether potential or actual, imagined, or real–fear sets in. A great negotiator would recognize the fear and label it to gain the other party's trust and make them feel safe. However, there will be situations when fear does not quickly transform into something positive. When that happens, it does not mean that the labeling tactic is not working; it merely means there are other layers of fear and negativity that needs to be peeled off. Sometimes, the negotiator needs to use another label so that the other party will feel that they are understood.

In court, lawyers use a technique that they call "taking the sting out." The lawyer cites all the accusations against their client and their case's weaknesses in the opening statement. This technique is also useful in negotiation.

List down every bad thing that the counterpart can say about you, so you come better prepared to negotiate with them. Acknowledge the other party’s objections even before they bring it out in the open. Doing so shows that you empathize with your counterpart. Ask open-ended questions to indicate respect for the other party’s inputs and to learn more about the source of their negativity.

Empathy, listening, and labeling are not only useful for negotiation. These are tools that should become a part of our daily interaction with the people we encounter. They are the means to building meaningful, healthy relationships, not only within our family but even with other people.

It might feel awkward initially, but these tools will become a habit that will eventually become inherent in us through constant practice.

Think of an upcoming negotiation with a client, boss, or colleague. Do an accusation audit. Write down how you will present it to them.