Introduction

Because I am the central point of the body it is fitting that I should be the one to write this introduction.

To some I may appear to be no more than a very ordinary depression in the middle of the abdomen but this is the whole point. The abdomen is the recognised centre of the anatomy and I am the centre of the abdomen. Therefore, I am the very core, the kernel, the centre of the centre. Let no one dispute my entitlement to authorship of the foreword.

In the matter of selecting the contributors for this long-overdue series of invocations I willingly leave myself open to criticism.

Let me say at once that this is purely a personal choice. I am certain that if the liver, the kidneys, the bladder or even the eyebrows, none of which are included here, were to nominate the contributors the selection would bear little resemblance to mine. This is to be expected; no two aspects of the body’s organs are alike in either taste or temperament so that the last thing that should be expected of us is unanimity.

Nevertheless I have striven to be impartial and unprejudiced in so far as it is possible for any appurtenance of the human body to be. The reader will be familiar with other anthologies, treasuries and compendiums and will, no doubt, concur when I submit that any selection no matter how honestly or how painstakingly chosen is but a reflection of the anthologist’s own personal philosophies, attitudes and convictions. This is not to proffer an apology for this selection; rather it is a justification.

Some of my fastidious readers will ask why the rear aperture? To this I say, why not? If this seems to be too simplistic an answer let me add that I personally find the area in question to be one of the less edifying regions of the body which I have the honour to represent as navel-in-residence but I did not allow my personal squeamishness to militate against such a selection. I gave this particular choice a great deal of thought before I eventually decided in its favour.

The rear aperture, I told myself, is not my kettle of fish but the rear aperture, more than any other area of the body, has something to say and whether I like or dislike the tone, content or flavour of its pronouncements the rear aperture has a right to be heard if only for the reason that what it has to say must perforce be vastly different from anything else we are likely to hear in the many splendid contributions which I have solicited over so long a period. I often, in fact, despaired of ever bringing my daunting task to a finish.

Others will ask, why not the breast nipples? They are perfectly entitled to ask and I will endeavour to answer to the best of my ability. The breast nipples are near neighbours of mine and it must seem somewhat churlish to the gentle reader that I deliberately overlooked them when I was in the process of dispatching invitations to the selected organs and others.

Indeed the breast nipples are unobtrusive and yet sensitive. Together, in fact, we form an isosceles triangle and you cannot get much closer than that.

Other organs and aspects have offered themselves as contributors from the moment it became known that I had this undertaking in mind. Politely but firmly I declined every offer except those I had already chosen without reference to any authority save my own.

One of the great difficulties in compiling a work of this kind is having to reject a contribution which has been commissioned in good faith. Thanks to all the powers that be there was only one instance of this. I must confess that when I first invited the eyelashes to submit a contribution of roughly 1,500 words I had some misgivings. I had already accepted an important address from the hairs of the head and began to think that perhaps my readers might be put off by a surfeit of hairs. Add to this the fact that I was shamelessly importuned by the hairs which grow between myself and the nether quarters to consider a rambling exposé which they maintain would truly titillate the reader. Naturally I declined the offer. The contribution from the eyelashes exceeded in length all the other contributions put together although this was not the sole reason why the opus was returned to its author. In short it was downright boring and reeking with distasteful vanity. From its contents one would be forced to conclude that but for the input of the eyelashes there would be a total breakdown of the body’s other components. I returned the bulky manuscript and suggested to its author that it should be published as a separate volume.

There are, I most willingly concede, many other worthy claimants for inclusion. There is the blood, the very stream of life, the saliva which plays a most important role and the lungs whose contribution cannot be measured. On the liquid side once more there is the urine, the perspiration, the tears et cetera, all worthy of inclusion but perhaps at this juncture I should emphatically stress that this is not a medical journal; rather it is a somewhat whimsical and often jaundiced series of onslaughts on the brain.

Another difficulty arose as I drew up the list of proposed contributors and this was, for me personally, the most serious dilemma of all. Should I, the navel, make a contribution or to put it another way was I, the navel, deserving of making a contribution. I might have consulted with others but in the last analysis I felt that the decision should be mine and mine alone. After a great deal of thought I decided against. In the first place my location has placed me next door to the epicentre of certain activities which would be more appropriate to the pages of a Sunday tabloid than the foreword of a book which may well appear in reputable bookshops and public libraries.

I live in the hope that some of the organs or aspects which I have chosen for my selection will one day compile anthologies of their own and honour me beyond words by inviting me to contribute to theirs. I realise that I may have unwittingly omitted some who deserve to be included but I have diligently and ruthlessly scoured the anatomy and its invisible extensions lest I perpetrate an injustice against a deserving case.

Many may wonder why I could not find room for the backbone. The answer is that symbolically the backbone is fairly represented in the following pages. Another thing about bones is that they are associated with skeletons rather than living persons and Tom Scam, who is the personification of my brain, is a living person whose bones are still concealed by his all too mortal flesh. Finally, were I to include the backbone, there would be an avalanche of claims from other bones. In short, there are just too many bones.

Others will wonder why no muscle has been considered and this despite the fact that there are thirty score muscles in the body. My answer is, which muscle do you pick? Rather than offend the hard-working, industrious five hundred and ninety nine, I decided to choose no muscle at all.

The eyebrows I deliberately omitted because all eyebrows are cynics. It isn’t that I dislike cynics but the eyebrows are the least articulate. All they can do is arch themselves.

Some may say that in writing this introduction I have deliberately masterminded a navel contribution. This is not so because I have not addressed myself to the brain as have the other contributors. What I have tried to do is to bring about a better understanding of the body’s constituents and in addressing one brain I hope that the contributors will, as a consequence, succeed in addressing all brains and improve the general coordination without which the body must fail to function properly.

I think the book has succeeded in achieving what it set out to do in the first place which was to alert the brain of one man to the fast-developing crisis in his body. I hereby extend my heartiest thanks to the contributors and wish them continuing success in their various undertakings.

The Navel