Ellen was on edge all morning, her emotions threatening to overwhelm her. She could only blame her lack of control on the stark realization of everything she’d lost when she’d wed Laughton. Since then, her birthday had always been melancholy, and so she’d done everything in her power to act as though it was a day like any other.
Everything had changed when she’d opened Castlefield’s gift. Breakfast had only served to underscore the fact that she was surrounded by friends and family who cared for her. After cutting herself off from her emotions for so long, it wasn’t difficult to understand why they’d overwhelm her now.
It didn’t help that she was surrounded by couples who were happy in their own marriages. Since her arrival, she’d grown accustomed to seeing the affection Jane and Lord Eddings displayed toward one another. And while she’d known that Brantford cared for Rose before they’d wed, it still brought her up short to witness it. He, the man whom everyone accused of having ice water instead of blood in his veins, was clearly in love with his wife.
Despite their former friendship and his claims to care for her, she knew she couldn’t have that with Castlefield. He’d told her that he planned to court her, and he was going about it in an entirely different manner than the men who’d courted her in the past. Especially Laughton. Instead of grandiose gestures designed to showcase himself in a positive light, Castlefield seemed to care about her feelings. She imagined the fact they’d once known each other well helped him in knowing just how to approach her. If he’d pressed her harder, she would have had no difficulty spurning him.
But instead he’d challenged her, knowing she would never run from a contest of wills. And then once she arrived, he behaved like the friend she’d once known. The one she’d missed.
For the first time in twelve years, she wanted to make a birthday wish. Not for love, of course. No, she wasn’t so far gone as to believe she’d ever have what the other couples had found, but perhaps she could discover just a glimmer of it. Surely the man who knew her well enough to know just how much a seashell would affect her would be able to show her that.
Still, she hesitated about approaching him. She was on her way up to the nursery, having decided that spending time with Henry and Hope would be a welcome distraction, when fate took the decision from her hands.
“Ellen?”
She looked up to find Castlefield at the top of the stairs and her breath caught in her throat. When she’d looked at him before today, she’d seen the man who used to be her childhood friend but with whom she’d developed a rivalry. The man who wanted to be friends again at the very least. But now she saw the man who could show her what it was to be loved. Even if she didn’t believe they could have a future together, she realized that she trusted him enough to ask him to show her what Jane and Rose had found. Happiness in a man’s arms.
“Is something the matter?” he asked when she reached the top of the stairs. His brows were drawn together. “Your brother told me you don’t like celebrating your birthday. Did I misstep in giving you that gift?”
When she met his dark brown eyes and saw the concern reflected there, a pang of longing almost took away her breath. And if she wasn’t mistaken, she detected a similar yearning in his eyes.
“I don’t want hearts and flowers,” she said.
He stilled and waited for her to continue.
Taking a deep breath, she opened herself up. “I want you to show me everything I’ve been missing. Everything I never had with Laughton.”
She didn’t have to elaborate further. Castlefield knew exactly what she meant. She wanted him to show her the physical pleasure a man and woman could have together.
A corner of his mouth turned up and the guarded expression left his eyes.
Ellen’s traitorous heart threatened to kick, but she ignored it. She could be practical even if she’d allowed her emotions to lead her in coming to this decision.
With all the rumors she’d started about him and his wild ways, she would have heard if Castlefield shared Laughton’s penchant for hurting women. On the chance her instincts were wrong about that fact, logic said her brother would never have remained good friends with him if that was the case. Brantford had grown in ruthlessness over the years, and she doubted there was a secret any man possessed that he didn’t know or couldn’t discover.
As she looked into Castlefield’s eyes, she knew with absolute certainty that he’d never hurt her. Not physically, at any rate. No, the danger would be to her emotions if she wasn’t careful. Castlefield was going to show her that physical pleasure could exist between a man and a woman, nothing more. There would be no marriage, no children. No happily-ever-after for her. And most important, any dalliance the two of them shared would be over long before he tired of her.
She ignored the traitorous corner of her heart that yearned for more. That desire would never be fulfilled. Unlike Rose and Jane, who were both so open and loving with their husbands, Ellen was incapable of sharing herself so freely. Laughton had killed that side of her. But that didn’t mean she wouldn’t reach out and grasp the opportunity to experience even a faint shadow of that happiness. Just for this one small moment in time.
He took several steps down the hallway and Ellen followed.
“I didn’t mean now,” she said, aiming for a levity she was far from feeling.
He stopped and looked down at her, his eyes dancing with amusement. “I’m not presuming as much. But since I found myself flat on my back the last time I attempted to kiss you, I thought it prudent to move away from the stairs.”
She knew he was trying to make her laugh, but she was still embarrassed by her overreaction. He’d been correct in what he’d told her then. If this was ever going to happen, she needed to be the one to initiate it.
He remained still as she closed the small distance between them. “It’s been a long time since I’ve kissed a man.”
His eyes darkened and the levity had disappeared. The tension that surrounded them now was not one born from animosity but from anticipation. Her nerves were stretched taut, and the heat in his eyes told her that he felt the same way.
Finally he broke the silence. “There can never be any doubt between us that you want this as much as I do.”
Ellen was powerless to look away as she placed her hands on his shoulders. “No.”
She rose onto her toes. Only then did he lower his head, but still he held back.
Emotion she dared not examine too closely had her closing the last inch that separated them and pressing her mouth against his. When he didn’t move to deepen the kiss after several seconds, she started to step back but found the movement hampered by his hands on her waist. Their eyes met.
“Do you trust me, Ellen?”
She nodded.
He took her mouth then in a kiss that was unlike any she’d ever had. But almost as soon as it started, heat beginning to dance along her skin, he released her.
Her breath was unsteady, and they stood like that for what seemed an eternity, their eyes locked in a silent battle of wills that spoke of their mutual desire to continue.
He took a step back but didn’t look away. “I’m in the master bedroom now.”
This time it was her turn to smile in wicked amusement. “I know. I make it a habit to learn the terrain of my enemies. Just in case I should need to leave a little present for you on your pillow.”
The sound of Castlefield’s laughter lingered in the air as he turned and continued downstairs.