Castlefield made his way back to his own bed a little before dawn. When he entered his bedroom, he didn’t even glance at the bed. He wouldn’t be getting any more sleep now that he’d left Ellen’s side.
He’d been able to push away his guilt while he was with her, but he could no longer avoid the consequences of his actions. He’d been selfish. He’d almost convinced himself he wouldn’t make love to Ellen until after he’d revealed the truth about his part in her husband’s death. But when faced with the fear that she might never forgive him for keeping the secret, he’d pushed aside the inner voice that cautioned him to stop and finally claimed Ellen for his own.
Every smile she’d given him, every contented sigh, had called forth a dark certainty that this might be the last time she allowed him near her.
He’d put it off as long as he could. It was time to tell her the truth.
He couldn’t tell her everything, of course. The events leading up to his duel with Laughton weren’t his secret to reveal. Still, he needed to tell her that her husband hadn’t died in a hunting accident but by his hand.
He should have told her everything long before now. Pure selfishness had kept him from doing so prior to their relationship becoming physical. But he knew without a doubt that telling her about their duel would have doomed any chance to show Ellen he wasn’t like Laughton. That they could have something special that was vastly different from her first marriage.
He’d gambled with respect to when to tell her the truth. Now it was time to reveal what he could and hope any feelings she’d developed for him were enough to keep him from losing the woman he loved.
He was on edge, pacing in an attempt to relieve some of his disquiet when his valet entered the room at his customary time. He gave himself up to the familiarity of his morning routine and sometime later was making his way toward the breakfast room. He waited in the hallway, listening to the sounds of Jane and her family taking their leave of the other guests.
When his sister’s family stepped into the hallway, he smiled in greeting and followed the group to the front hallway. Henry held Eddings’s hand while Hope was perched on his sister’s hip. As he said his goodbyes, he tried not to think about having to say goodbye to Ellen as well.
He waited, his mother by his side, as the group stepped into the carriage that awaited outside, their excitement to finally be off to Brighton and their new estate palpable. Once the carriage started down the driveway, he returned to the breakfast room. His mother had murmured something about having letters to write before making her way upstairs.
His eyes met Ellen’s as he entered the room, and he didn’t miss the way they lit for a brief moment, betraying her interest, before she looked away. Rose was seated next to her with Brantford at his wife’s other side.
Rose had glanced at Ellen when he entered the room, and he was sure she’d seen Ellen’s reaction at his arrival. When he turned his gaze to Brantford, inclining his head in greeting, the other man gave him a solemn nod. How Brantford always knew exactly what was on his mind was a mystery he’d long since given up trying to solve.
Brantford murmured something about needing to steal his wife away for a moment, and before Castlefield fully realized the man’s intent, he was alone with Ellen.
He wasn’t ready for this conversation, but it was time to stop avoiding it. He dismissed the footman stationed by the sideboard with nothing more than a nod before turning to look at Ellen again.
Her brows drew together as she looked after the departing figures of her brother and his wife before she released her breath in a soft sigh.
“Brantford knows about us.” She met his eyes. “Did you tell him?”
Castlefield shook his head. “There’s very little that man doesn’t know. But yes, he knows about my interest. I certainly didn’t tell him things had progressed beyond that, though he knows I planned to court you.”
“Good heavens, did you ask his permission?”
“I didn’t need to. Your brother has known for some time that I care for you, though he only recently realized it went beyond friendship.”
“Do you think he knows…?”
She didn’t have to finish the question. “About the recent development in our relationship? I certainly didn’t tell him, but in all likelihood, yes.”
“I’d guessed as much, but I’d hoped I was wrong.” Ellen gave her head a small shake before smiling at him. “Normally you’ve already broken your fast by this time and disappeared for the morning. I didn’t wear you out last night, did I?”
He laughed, her expression of exaggerated innocence lifting his spirits. “It was a near thing. But no, I wanted to spend the morning with you.”
He knew he was acting the coward, but he went to the sideboard and filled a plate before returning to take the seat Rose had vacated. He moved the empty dish to the side and replaced it with his own. The food tasted like straw, but he wasn’t about to give up this moment to spend time alone with Ellen.
The conversation turned to the subject of his sister’s recent departure and their plans to join her in Brighton. For fifteen minutes he pretended this might not be the last civil conversation he’d ever have with this woman.
“Something is bothering you,” Ellen said when he finally pushed his plate away.
“What makes you say that?”
“We’ve known each other many years. I don’t need my brother’s uncanny gift for reading people to know when you’re thinking about something else. Or rather, trying hard not to think about it.”
There was no point in denying it. He rose and held out a hand to her. “Let’s go for a walk.”
Ellen didn’t even hesitate as she placed her hand in his and allowed him to help her up. He tucked her hand into his elbow and led her toward the back of the house and out to the gardens.
The rose garden had always been Ellen’s favorite, and so he turned her in that direction when they emerged from the house.
Ellen didn’t prod further, waiting for him to break the silence. Far too soon for his liking, they were settling onto a bench on the far side of the fragrant garden. They’d be visible to anyone looking out the windows from the house, but their conversation would be private.
“I have struggled with how to tell you this, but it can no longer wait.”
Ellen looked away. She held her hands in her lap, but he didn’t miss the way she clenched them together before forcing herself to relax. “I understand. We both knew our… liaison would never last. I went into this affair knowing as much.”
A pang of regret pierced him. Ellen still didn’t trust him. How could she not realize her own worth? Or how completely she’d captivated him?
“I don’t want this to end, Ellen.”
Her head swung toward him, her eyes wide. “Please don’t propose. I’m not ready for that. I don’t know if I will ever be.”
He wished that convincing her to marry him was the only thing on his mind.
“I hope one day you’ll change your mind, but that wasn’t what I wanted to say. I only hope that after we have this conversation, you’ll still be willing to allow me to court you, never mind actually ask you to be my wife.”
She tilted her head to the side as though trying to make sense of his words.
He took a deep breath and continued. “I need to tell you the truth about what happened the day your husband died. It wasn’t a hunting accident, as Brantford told you. Laughton died after fighting a duel.”
She didn’t seem surprised. It was just the sort of foolish behavior in which her husband had often engaged. “I should have realized as much. Given how many men he’d cuckolded during the ten years of our marriage, I suppose it was inevitable. I’m not sure why Lucien kept the information from me, however. He knows I didn’t care that Laughton turned his attention elsewhere.” She shook her head. “Never mind that now. So, tell me, who do I have to thank for freeing me?”
Ellen was putting up a good front, but Castlefield could see that his words had unsettled her. He’d lay odds, however, that she was more upset by the fact her brother hadn’t been honest with her than the discovery her husband hadn’t died in a hunting accident.
“Me,” he said, meeting her incredulous gaze head-on.